Week 14: Build me a Dome

I saw a Mark Sanchez commercial, where he said, “What powers me? Determination. A defensive line trying to put me on my back.” Good news, Sanchez. If having a d-line smash you into the turf, gives you power, you should be all powered up after this passed Sunday! The Dolphins sacked Sanchez six times. And even though the Dolphins lost 3 fumbles, had only ONE positive yard in the third quarter and only 131 yards total, we didn’t have to watch one single Jet flying around the field with his arms out like a fairy, or a plane or whatever he is supposed to be. Why is that? Because they didn’t score a single touchdown. Then, just when you thought the Patriots were the only AFC East cheaters, in the third quarter Jets Sal Alosi, New York's strength and conditioning coach, tripped Miami's Nolan Carroll while the rookie was covering a punt. Yup, the coach actually stuck his knee out as the player ran by and tripped him…during the actual punt coverage. Watch it here:



Come on, Jets! Can’t you hear the Eagles fans using this as their next excuse for Michael Vick? “We know that Vick tortured a bunch of defenseless animals, but Stallworth killed someone. We know that Vick is a psychopath, but Plaxico shot himself in the foot, he could have hurt someone… Yeah, we know Vick ran an illegal dog fighting ring, used live puppies as bait for trained killing dogs to develop a hunger for blood, but the Jets coach tripped someone. A human could have been hurt.” (My favorite is “Vick said he was sorry.” Oh well then by all mean, he must be sorry! Let him play!)

Anyway, if the Jets have any class (which is doubtful) Alosi will be leaving his parking pass and badge with security on his way out.

But not to be outdone, the Pats didn’t want to lose their solid reputation as the NFL’s biggest fraud, New England linebacker Brandon Spikes was suspended 4 games for violating the leagues performance-enhancing drug policy. Ready with an excuse the Pats claim the drug was not illegal, but medication for treatment of his attention deficit disorder. (“Vick is a killer, but Spikes took prescription drugs.”)

When asked about why he didn’t clear his attention deficit disorder meds with the NFL, Spikes replied, “ohhhh, look at the bird!”



Even without Spikes, the Patriots had no trouble with the Bears, trampling Chicago 36-7, despite the 26-degree weather and the ceaseless blizzard that took place for 4 quarters. When I saw the field, I couldn’t believe what I saw…

My shock wasn’t so much the weather, as the fact that there was that much white powder in the NFL without a Dallas Cowboy being involved.

The snow didn’t only stand in the way of the Bears; it caused the NFL to post pone the Giants-Vikings game to Monday night. Apparently, the Mall of America Stadium’s dome collapsed under the weight of the snow above. However, the Fox footage of the snow pouring onto the field through a hole in the roof looked a lot to me like the Dome is just joining the rest of us in throwing up at the news of Favre’s 297th injury of the season. Waaaaa! Waaa! Favre, even the Dome wants you out!

(Again, all that white and not a Cowboy in sight!)

Favre was wavering, as he does every week, about whether he would start against the Giants. But at this point, does anyone want him to play? The old man who cried wolf’s latest injury came after he threw one pass last week to the Buffalo Bills. The interception was Favre’s only pass before the big baby claimed to sprain his shoulder so badly he couldn’t return to the game. Good thing for the Vikings, who were losing 7-0 with Favre, went on to beat the Bills 14-38 in his absence. Sooo, did Favre really get hurt this time or did he just want to throw one pass to keep his streak going and get out of the game? (After all, everyone knows he is a team player!)

You should have saved that one pass excuse for this week Favre, considering reports claim you won’t want to be in for more than one play against the Giants defense. Line of the week: “If he plays against the Giants, it would be like feeding a wounded 41-year-old animal to a predator.” No one wants that, old man! Except maybe Eagle’s fans. (Vick might share the same mental characteristics as a serial killer, but the Giants defense beat up on elderly Brett Favre!)

Giants will take on the Vikings in Detroit, tonight and the tickets are free for those who show up. So the stadium will be filled with hoodlums and hooligans, but unlike in Cincy, they will be off the field, not on it.

On a brighter note, this weeks MVP….Jay Feely. Yes, the kicker. (Former NY Giants kicker, but don’t worry, we’ve got Tynes now! Ugh!) Normally beating the Broncos is nothing to be super excited about, however when a kicker does it on his own, it becomes worth mentioning. The Arizona kicker has 5 field goals, a rushing touch down and an extra point, to outscore Denver, 24-13 by himself. If you factor in the rest of the team the final score was 43-13, but Feely scored enough points on his own. He did miss a 45 yarder, but come on, not everyone can be as perfect as Vick. Congrats Feely, you racked up 29 fantasy points yesterday! (Does anything else really matter?)

NFL Recap: Week Seven

Before I start, I would like to take a moment of silence for the tragedy that occurred this weekend…

Yes, I am talking about the Giants-Eagles game. It was terrible. It was sad. It was tragic. And at a time like this, I would usually do what any other Giants fan would do (no, not make excuses, that’s what Eagles do)…I would turn to the Dallas Cowgirls. But I can’t, because they played the Seahawks this week, which undoubtedly means, they won (17-38, Dallas). Which leaves me with….

“Eli!!! Your team is wearing white jerseys! Throw to the white jerseys! What is wrong with you?” “Tuck? Where were you? Have too many Eagles on your fantasy team? I hope you didn’t draft yourself, because you didn’t do a damn thing!!!”



That explains why you dropped that interception!

But what about the rest of the defense? Do they know the season isn ‘t over yet? I haven’t seen them in 3 games! You can’t possibly have everyone on your fantasy team. Did you forget how to play?

I know one play you didn’t forget…running Jacobs up the middle. If it didn’t work the first 500 times, it isn’t going to work the 501st. Call another play! Any other play! Call a freakin’ flea flicker, I don’t care...but that one isn’t working!!!! Fake field goal? Just not Jacobs! 17-40, Eagles. So, how bout them Yankees?

After the G-men, I wasn’t much in the mood for football, but there were several games, I am sure that no one watched.

Good news for St. Louis. The Rams won, in the only way they possibly could…they played the Lions. With one win each, both teams are probably done for the season. Good talk guys, see ya next year!

Cleveland and Denver weren’t in the mood for football either.

After 2 straight losses the Bears needed some practice, and who better to do it against than the Browns. But any offensive effort was a waste of energy…with 5 turnovers for Cleveland, all the Bears really had to do was stand around and watch the Browns lose. In fact, the Browns were so desperate, they put Quinn back in. Yeah, that’s gonna be an improvement! Put ME in coach!!!! (6-30, Chicago).

The unbeated Broncos took a day off against the Baltimore Ravens. When asked what happened, Kyle Orton said “we really didn’t do all that much.” Really? Ya think? (7-30, Baltimore).

Brett Favre and what ever team he plays for this week, returned to Green Bay and of course, the media (who didn’t mention Favre’s loss last week) made the old man look like a hero. I can’t be the only one who hates this guy. If I lived in Green Bay, I’d be waiting by Favre’s hotel, with my foot out! But instead the lovely Packers fans voted on “tasteful” ways to Welcome Fav-ruh home!

The Cheese-heads had several good ideas.

*Play a video of all of Favre’s interceptions over the years. (My favorite)
*Make a huge waffle, in the shape of a 4. (Get it. Waffle- in ability to make a decision).
* Hang him in effigy outside Lambeau Field. ( That might not fit the mayor’s definition of “tasteful.”)

What would I have done? (Besides handed out my “Favre, throughout the Tears” post, where I highlight all the time he has cried. ) I would have let Aaron Rodgers wear the number 4.

I can see the NFL's oldest cry baby now!

They did make nice shirts though.


Tennessee over Jacksonville, 13-30. But the best part of that game was a toss up between Gus Johnson saying Chris Johnson ran “like he was being chased by the cops” on his TD run and the awkward silence that followed it. Good call, buddy!

'I'll get you, my pretty...' (G-men Free Agency and Trade Rumors)

"We’ve got Cowboys and Falcons and Seahawks…oh my!"


No Wizard in Oz or Eagle in Philly is going to want a piece of this Defense! The only time these guys are going to see any competition, is with each other!

The G-men have stacked their already stacked defense this week with 3 free agents. Chris Canty, Michael Boley and Rocky Bernard join the Giants D, already comprised of, Justin Tuck, Osi Umenyiora, Mathias Kiwanuka, Dave Tollefson, Fred Robbins, Barry Cofield and Jay Alford.

Do we really need that many men on Defense? Probably not. Far be it for me to question the genius, that is the New York Giants decision making team, but then why on Earth would we acquire so many players for the same unopen positions?

Well, perhaps it is because Osi’s coming back from a knee injury, which limited his 5 Hour energy shots (he did the commercials, remember?) to pacing the sidelines and we are unsure of his ability this season. Maybe it is because, in all honesty, I have no clue who Dave Tollefson is and that guys job is in jeopardy. (the new standard for whether you are making it in the NFL, should be whether I recognize your name or not. If don’t know who you are, don’t spend your last paycheck, quite yet!).



Eli, are you suggesting that these talented men are simply a pawn in our scheme to replace Plaxico with a receiver who is “lighter on his feet” (or just that one foot)?

Well, that is what the Giants are denying, and therefore most likely to be true.

Hoz…Houzma…Houzmen…Houshmemama……Houshmandzadeh. That’s right! I may need to brush up on my spelling of this ridiculously long last name, or maybe I will just call him T.J. because rumor has it, Mr. Houshmandzadeh (yeah, I am cutting and pasting that) wants to be a New York freakin’ Giant. Who knew a man who spent so much time with Ocho Cinco (there’s one I won’t misspell) could be so smart. All smart men want to be G-men! The real question is, do the Giants want you, T.J.?

I hear, the Giants really want, Michael Crabtree. He has a, corner end zone, grab like Plaxico, but without all the sirens and flashing lights. Just what my boy, Eli, needs!

The problem is, who doesn’t want Michael Crabtree?

“Out of bounds? Who needs out of bounds? I’ll just make this awesome grab in the corner with 8 seconds and run it in! “

Anyone who watches College Football, especially those tired of seeing that little number 1 next to the name Texas, has seen this first hand:


Now, we all know that the G-men gave a performance this past season, just riveting enough to keep them out of reach of a quality draft pick. So what are the Giants willing to give for the “best wide receiver in college football?”

Rumor in the Northeast is (and we all know, Yankees know best…kidding, as I alienate half of my audience) 3 picks! Yup, you heard me! THREE PICKS! This years first round, this years second round and next years first round.

I have to ask, with guys like Boldin and Houshmandzadeh out there, is he worth three picks? Maybe. But my concern is the Giants will force him the ball, even when he isn’t open, to get these 3 picks worth. When he doesn’t perform under those conditions, they will trade him away, only to see his stellar performance on another team. (Look at Shockey! Ok, you are right, bad example! )

UPDATE: T.J. Houzmenzadah (or whatever) is now a Seattle Seahawk. This stuff happens faster than I can type it. 5 years. $40 million. Not bad.

In other news, you can hang on to your 27 jerseys, Giants fans, but your 34’s are no good in New York. Brandon Jacobs has signed a 4 year, $25 million contract with the Giants, but Derrick Ward will be joining the Bucs for a measly 4 years worth $17 million (and thus the end of Earth, Wind and Fire).

Not so GIANTS news:

The Titans are inking a 2 year contract with my very favorite, Penn State alum, ex-NY Giant, alcoholic, quarterback Kerri Collins, worth 15 million and 8.5 million guaranteed. Not bad for a 36 year old man. That’s what happens when you finish the regular season, 13-3 with a first round bye in the play-offs, FAVRE!


There’s trouble brewing in Denver. I thought getting rid of Shanahan was a dumb move on the Broncos part, but can we all see it now? McDaniels and his peeps, put their quarter back and my favorite, elimination bowl blowing, QB on the trading block; only to lose the trade bid and the trust of his quarterback. Good freakin' luck! Jay Cutler lost to the Chiefs and the Raiders this season, to destroy my elimination bowl picks (Stoopid, Jay Cutler!) and I didn’t piss him off...actually I am pretty sure that he loooves me!

Who were the Broncos offering poor Jay Cutler (yup, I always refer to him by his full name) for? Mr. Matt Cassel, of course. We talked earlier in the season, during my “fantasy draft” about him being a ‘wanted man.’

It appears that the Chiefs wanted him most. Cassel will be playing for a comfortable 14 million for one year in Kansas City. The funny part? The headlines read, ‘Cassel ready to compete for Starting Job with Chiefs.” I am sorry, but who is he competing with? Are the chiefs having another “Quaterback for a Day” raffle? They had 2 wins last season, and one was against the Oakland Raiders (that doesn’t count!). So, I would say, Chief fans, it is safe to go ahead and pre-order your Cassel jerseys!

Still out there….
Ray Lewis and Kurt Warner. My guess, they aren’t going too far. Ravens and Cards, respectively.

What's in a Ring?

What’s in a Ring?


Well, for the New York Giants, it’s Tiffany & Co. white gold, 3 Super Bowl trophies accented with marquise diamonds signifying the team’s Super Bowl XXI, XXV and XLII victories, along with the team’s “NY” logo in bead set round diamonds. “World Champions” is emblazoned in raised letters on the top and bottom bezel, with channel set diamonds on left and right bezel. The ring’s shanks celebrate the Giants’ storybook season leading up to Super Bowl Sunday. “Eleven Straight on the Road,” an NFL record; the NFL shield; player name, along with player number in raised letters appear on one shank; and the final score (NYG 17 NE 14), “Super Bowl XLII,” date (02.03.08) and ‘AZ’ appear on the other shank.


For the Indianapolis Colts, it’s a much simpler, yet meaningful design, containing 50 diamonds and synthetic blue sapphire. There's the word "Faith" on one shank, and on the opposite shank is the phrase "Our time.” A dot of red enamel found on each of the players' rings, forming one rivet in a small horseshoe. The red symbolizes a drop of blood, emblematic of players "leaving it all on the field.”


For the Pittsburgh Steelers, was probably the “simplest” of rings, but with just as much meaning, given it was “the one for the thumb.” It contains five Vince Lombardi trophies in dazzling diamonds around the Steelers' logo on the front and featured yellow gold. It contained each player's name and number on the side, the 21-10 score of the game and the numeral XL. Not as flashy as some of the others, but just as meaningful, I am sure.


The New England Patriotss most recent ring, has a total of 124 diamonds and an approximate weight of 4.94 carats. Flanking the center structure of the ring are the words "WORLD" on the left and "CHAMPIONS" on the right in high cut-out relief with a black-antiqued background. Each word contains twenty-six 0.005 carat round brilliant-cut pave-set diamonds equaling .26 carats total weight. The center of the ring is a football-shaped motif with three Lombardi trophies and the Patriots team emblem embellished with a red and blue translucent simulated stone background. The border of the Patriot emblem contains twenty-one .01 carat round brilliant-cut pave-set diamonds representing twenty-one straight wins. There is one .005 carat round diamond set in the simulated sapphire helmet reflecting the vision and focus of the organization. And that is just the top of the ring…

But for the Philadelphia Eagles, well, they got this… an empty phone call to the SUPERBOWL CHAMPION NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANT'S booth.
(Hope it was worth it, McNabb, it’s the only ring your getting this season!)


McNabb, picked up the phone on his last drive against the REIGNING WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS (how many more times am I going to get to say that?) and made a phone call. Hmmm…wonder what was said?

“Hello? Is this the NFL? I am just calling to find out…’can the NFC Championship game end in a tie?’”

“Hey mom! Guess what? I finally beat Eli Manning! No mom, I didn’t get a Super bowl ring. Yes mom, I know he has one. Yes, I have been in the league 10 years…I know Eli won one in his 4th season… I gotta go, mom!”

“Hi! Whoever this is, I am just calling to remind everyone that even after 10 seasons, I am still an immature ******* and the Eagles are still a classless establishment without any Super bowl rings, so I have to celebrate where I can.”

“Hello, Giant’s booth? I was hoping if you could tell me how to win a super bowl!?”

Sure, McNabb apologized. Actually, he said he was just having fun. "That was the most important thing we had to get back to, just having fun."

Did you have fun this week McNabb? I didn’t see you making any phone calls from the Arizona sideline. I didn’t see any bird dances. No flapping arms… but, maybe it was all that red and white confetti in the way and I couldn’t see.

Cardinals over Eagles, 32-25! Thanks Cards!

Yes, there was another game on. Both the Ravens and the Steelers have Super Bowl rings, however, the Pittsburgh Steelers will be looking for number 6 (which has no cool name like 'one for the thumb') against the Arizona Cardinals. I have a feeling the Steelers are going to be favored, but I am going with the Cards, all the way!

My Heart Hurts....

...and I don't wanna talk about it!



I love you G-men, I always do
My blood runs red, but it also runs blue.
Even though our season is now said and done
And you blew it twice on short 4th and one.
Through cold games and bad calls, and even the good
I know that Eli is just misunderstood.
I was there when we lost Plax and when we lost to the Browns
I was there for converted and non-converted 3rd downs.
I was there for the touchdowns, the field goals, blocked kicks
I was there when we beat the Sea hawks, 44 to 6!
I was there to be crowned number one in the east.
I was there when they called us the NFC Beast!
We smiled we cried, we smiled some more
And now I feel your pain of a season 12 and 4
But we all make mistakes, your only just men
And next year I’ll suit up, all over again.
We’ll conquer the bad times, the good times the hard
But until then consider me a temporary Card!


Go Cardinals!

Week Sixteen Recap Quickie: Merry Xmas Giants Fans!

Shhhh....you hear that?

That is right! You can hear it clearly now that all those haters are quiet.
On Sunday Night, the WORLD CHAMPION NY FOOTBALL GIANTS clinched the number one playoff spot and secured home-field advantage for its entirety. Giants fans have been emailing me disappointed that I didn’t post this week and asking me if I watched the game. Did I watch the game? Ha!
In the history of the NFL, three teams have had two running backs rush for 1,000 yards in the same season. The NY Giants plan to make that four teams with Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward. A bum knee can’t hold down Jacobs, who already has 1,089 yards. And his buddy Ward is only 52 yards from reaching 1,000 yards after rushing for a legend...wait for it....dary...215 yards to beat the Carolina Panthers in OT Sunday, 34-28.
*Note: The Giants game against the Vikings means NADA to New York, once Ward gets his 52 yards he will be joining the rest of the first string on the bench. Merry Christmas, Minnesota.

Sorry, Its Christmas for me too, so no full recap this week.

Week Fifteen in the NFL Recap

*I know as so many of you reminded me, week 16 starts tomorrow, but it is hard to write a football blog when your team fails to score a single TD. Gimme a break and enjoy.

As I am sure you know by now, I am a Giants fan. That is the World Champion New York Football Giants, I am referring to, by the way.
As you also know the Giants (up until recently) have had a stellar 2008 season as the reigning Super Bowl Champions and I have loved every minute of every opportunity I have had to rub their eleven wins in the face of World Champion doubters.
However, it appears, they have now reverted to mediocre football and a questionable effort, at best. So it is only fair, that I address their shortcomings, as I would for others.
In the last two games, I have watched the G-men flop around on the football field like last years Dolphins(maybe not that bad…). It is true that the World Champions have been faced with many obstacles in the past weeks, from the Plaxico Burress foolishness to the injury of Brandon Jacobs, but even though I love my Giants, does that really excuse the lack of offensive touchdowns and Eli Manning being sacked 8 times? How many touchdown passes do you expect from a QB lying flat on his back? Where was the O-line that only allowed 15 sacks all season?
Well, I hate to provide another excuse for the G-men under performing, but it appears that Tony Romo and the Cowgirls may have taken advantage of the Giants off-field distractions and provided a little distraction of their own.
Sun-sentinal reported that security at the Stadium had to remove a female fan who was wearing a rather 'racy' Santa outfit and carrying inappropriate signs. Security said that there were children present at the game and her fishnet stockings, bathing suit bottom and high-heeled boots were not suitable for their viewing. The girls response, "you couldn't even see my underwear!" (Yes, that is what she actually said.) Who was this distraction?

(http://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/sfl-ginstfan08,0,5429105.story)
*Note, this actually took place at the Eagles-Giants game in New York, where it was, probably about 20 degrees.
Giants disgraced themselves against the Cowgirls this week, 20-8.

Well, at least we are not the Washington Redskins, right? This Thursday, the 'Skins fumbled their way to a loss against the Cincinnati Bengals. Eleven other teams managed to beat the Bengals, by doing the only thing you have to do, in order to beat them...showing up! Washington just couldn't hang on to the ball, fumbling like a team of 'Tony Romo's in the post season.' The Bengals racked up Big win number 2 and the Skin's fall to 7 and irrelevant. (See ya next season, guys!)

Speaking of irrelevant.
Seattle 23- St. Louis 20.
San Diego 22- Kansas City 21
Philadelphia 30, Cleveland 10.


Actually, I had a request for San Diego, Kansas City. So lets talk about how the Chiefs managed to blow a 21-3 lead, which they were still holding in the 3rd.
After a field goal, the struggling Chargers placed their post season prayers on an onside kick and the football gods were listening. After the ball bounced of the chest of a KC Chief, the Chargers recovered and marched right into the end zone, scoring a touchdown, they couldn’t manage to score the entire game. However, it appeared there was a football god who had the Chiefs in this weeks football pool, because KC got the ball back with plenty of time and a delay of game penalty put them within field goal range. However, only one teams prayers could be answered and it looks like the Bolts prayed harder because the ball was shanked to the left, and after a 21-3 lead, Chiefs lost to Chargers, 22-21.

But that wasn’t the biggest “oops” of the week...
Buffalo Bills lead the New York Bretts with 1:54 on the clock. Buffalo with the ball had to complete one simple task to win the game and knock Blubbering Brett Favre out of the AFC South play-off spot...run out the clock. Hold on tight to the ball and run it. But instead Buffalo decided to opt for the pass, and a ticket home. Instead of running out the clock, Losman fumbled the ball (See Tony Romo in NFC Championship game), which was recovered by a Jet, who fumbled the ball toward the end zone, picked up by another Jet, who was pushed into the end zone by a tackle from a Bill. It was what I am sure Brett Favre would describe as a tear-jerking play for both teams. Bretts over Bills, 31-27.


Indy v. Detroit was half relevant. Peyton Manning showed his obvious favorites and through for 142 yards to Clark and 104 yards to Wayne. Leading the Colts to their seventh straight win and making them a serious post season, Super Bowl contender. As for their opponents...well, we will all be hearing about Detroit in the post-season...everyone will be calling them with trades to secure their uncontested number one draft pick. 21-31, Indy.


Bear beat the Saints in the Dome. It was a rough day for the Saints, who despite allowing 2 kick returns for touchdowns, hung on for over time where, PENN STATER, Robbie Gould kicked one through the uprights to win by three. Bears over Saints, 27-24.
Same deal in the other Dome, where this time the home team took the 3 point over time lead to win. Atlanta and Tampa Bay battled out the lead for both the game and the NFC wild card spot, both teams now 9-5, but the Falcons took home the W. (Well, they were already home, but you know what I mean. ) 10-13, Falcons.

Oops. Did I miss Green Bay and Jacksonville on my list of irrelevants? Add Jacksonville 20, Green Bay 13, to the “who cares?” column.

Wow. There are still a lot of games left to talk about. Long week.

Minnesota Vikings beat the Arizona Cardinals, 35-14. Perhaps I should say Adriene Peterson beat the Arizona Cards. Sure Minnesota’s QB, whatever his name is, threw for 4 TD’s but it was Peterson’s 165 yards rushing that got them there. I wonder, (Giants included), do teams really watch game tape? If you opponent has one player and one play...shouldn’t your game plan be, “shut him down?” Another reason, I should be the NFL’s first female coach...well, I guess, I would be the second, after this one:


Baltimore played Pittsburgh and you would think that with the amount of drama involved...that the Cowgirls were playing. What exactly are the rules of football? The winning TD was scared when Holmes caught the ball with 2 feet in the end zone but the ball outside the end zone. Being ruled a TD, the Ravens challenge was unsuccessful, because there was no conclusive evidence to overturn the call, but had it been called “No TD” that also would have stood. Huh? What the really mean is the referees stood in a circle saying “Did the ball break the plane? Did it not break the plane? Wait! Does it even have to break the plan? I don’t know. Do you? Anyone have a rule book.?” And when the 90 seconds allowed for review was up, they had no answer and the play stood as called. Drama didn’t end there, after the game the Steelers celebrated like they won the Super Bowl, telling the Ravens they were the #1 defense. (Who cares, by the way?) Ray Lewis said “they only had one drive, they didn’t make plays all game.” to which Holmes said “we made plays when it counted!” Again, WHO CARES? Regardless of who made what play when and if it was even in compliance with the NFL rules, Pittsburgh won 13-9.

New England beat Oakland 49-26, but me and nine friends can beat Oakland (yeah, I know that only equals ten, I am trying to help the Raiders out.) So the real point of this game is, who the heck in the AFC East is going to the playoffs? There is a 3-way tie and the only thing that is for sure is that Brett Favre will cry. (You thought I was going to say Buffalo isn’t going, huh? Well, that is also true.)

The other AFC East playoff spot contender is the surprising Miami Dolphins. They continue to play ugly but extremely efficient football. Never scoring a single point more than they have to the Dolphins defense beat the Niners 14-9. The only stand out performance was the one Joey Porter gave in support of Plaxico Burress’s gun toting philosophy.

Porter carries a gun himself and thinks that all NFL players need to protect themselves by carrying a weapon. Maybe you are right, Mr. Porter. Maybe we are being too hard on Plax, but before you lead your crusade to change the NFL to National Firearms League, allow me to remind you, Plaxico is allowed to carry a weapon, he just has to also carry a permit and registration...and if he would like to use it to shoot himself in the leg, far be it of us to stop him, but me must do so in a location where he does not place those who want to keep their limbs, in danger. To put it simply...

Week Thirteen in the NFL Recap

One down two more to go. Looks like after Plaxico’s latest display of stupidity the Giants said “Screw this Pilgrims and Indians Thanksgiving stuff!” and showed no mercy to the Redskins of Washington. Thanksgiving was over and so was the time to play nice. The WORLD CHAMPION NY FOOTBALL GIANTS played as if Burress was already on the Dallas Cowgirl’s Roster of Criminals. The Redskins put “eight and nine men in the box,” but they were no match for Eli who threw his career high 239 yards in the first half and Derrick Ward who had a career high 75 yards receiving. 23-7, Giants.

Awwww, Come on! It's cute! He has 8 Redskins in the box! :)

What can I say about a game where the winning team has only 195 TOTAL yards? Marshawn Lynch had 134 yards rushing for Buffalo; that is only 60 yards less than the Niners had, total and only 35 yards less than Hill (Niner’s QB- its okay, I didn’t know who he was either) had passing. So how in the world did the Bills lose this game? Well, 4 of their trips to the Red Zone yielded a combined total of ZERO points. It didn’t help that Rian Lindell, missed TWO kicks and one from 20-yards out. See moms, that’s what happens when you try to give your kids girly names like Sage or cutesy spellings like R-I-A-N...they SUCK at football! Ryan is spelled with a “y.” Niners over Bills, 10-3.

The Niner’s lack of offensive yardage was nothing compared to the 155 yards racked up by Cincy, however the Bengals were the losing team. Unlike the Bills, the Baltimore Ravens took advantage of their opponent's complete lack of football skills and racked up 450 yards of offense, throwing in a touchdown pass by wide receiver, Mark Clayton for show. Willis McGahee was active but didn’t play. I am sure they were thinking one of two things, “Ahhh, we are playing the Bengals, just put anybody in...” or “Hey guys, wanna screw with some fantasy teams?” Either way, they didn’t need him. 34-3, Ravens. (Note: since getting spanked by the Giants, the Ravens now have the NUMBER TWO defense in the NFL as opposed to number one).


Marcus Colston had 106 yards receiving for the Saints....
Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Drew Brees had 3 interceptions and the running game wasn’t available for this game. Reggie Bush returned for 3 rushing attempts but broke even at 0 total yards. Garcia sucks, I don’t care if the Bucs are 9-3. Defense won this game for Tampa Bay, holding the Saints to 2.4 yard per carry. 23-20, Bucs.

Field goals and defense. What else is new in a game played by the Miami Dolphins? A win is a win but, my God are they boring! The most interesting part of the Miami-St. Louis game was betting how many more interceptions Marc Bulger could throw; I was disappointed to see him stop at 3, I thought he had a few more in him. There were 7 successful field goals in the game and the final score was 16-12, Miami, so if you didn’t watch it, you missed nothing.


Since we are already on the subject of boring. I am stripping Peyton Manning of all of his movie covers. He can keep doing commercials though, I wouldn’t deny myself those! He is hilarious! What isn’t funny, are his stats for Sunday’s game against the Browns. Peyton “the lesser” Manning was 15/21 for 125 yards, 0 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. Lucky for the NFL’s funny man, that’s all you need to beat the Brown’s these days. (Shut up! I know they beat the Giants.) By the way, Did anyone ever wonder what happened to Ken Dorsey? You know the University of Miami quarterback that was a Heisman candidate the same year as Larry Johnson, Willis McGahee, and Carson Palmer? Well, he plays..or sits, 4th string,for the Browns now. SUCKERS! He came in long enough to throw 3 incomplete passes and an interception. 10-6, Colts.

I am not sure where Green Bay didn’t catch on, but it is obvious that the Carolina Panthers have 2 plays. Option 1: Throw to Steve Smith, who had 60% of the total yards receiving. Option 2: Run DeAngelo Williams, who had 4 rushing touchdowns. It never occurred to the Green Bay defense to shut those two down and, hey, if it works, keep doing it. For that reason, despite dominating the clock and total yardage, the Packers lost to the Panthers 31-35.

Atlanta played a sloppy game with 3 turnovers, but it was enough for cute little Matt Ryan and the Falcons to beat the worst passing defense in the NFL, San Diego Chargers. Phillip Rivers had no touchdowns at home for the first time this season. It looked like Turner who used to sit the bench behind Tomlinson was taking some notes, and had 120 yards rushing against LT’s 24. Congrats to the Falcons, this week marks them winning twice as many games as they did last season.

Jay Cutler is a complicated man. Last week he got embarrassed by, none other then, the Oakland Raiders and this week, he’s 27/43 for 357 yards and 2 touchdowns. (He also had 1 interception but since he made Brett Favre cry, we will let it slide!) Yes, Brett Fav-ruh did complete one interception but no touch down passes...and the Broncos did trample the Bretts 34-17...but what would be the fun in beating the Jets without a few tears from our favorite NFL cry baby?

In Brett's defense, maybe his skirt was riding up or his legs were cold!

In case you were wondering, those were Aaron Rodgers's legs I used!

FIVE turnovers for New England lead the Steeler’s to an upset win, over the Patriots. The Steelers sacked Cassel five times and forced two fumbles. In Cassel’s defense, Moss dropped 2 possible touchdowns passes that hit him right in the numbers. Maybe it was the pressure of replacing Brady after 2 consecutive 400 plus yard games, or maybe the receivers couldn’t handle the weather, either way the Pats were 1 for 13 on 3rd down and the Steeler’s were ready for them. 33-10, Pittsburgh.

Kansas City played Oakland. 20-13, Chiefs.


Kyle Orton played terribly with 3 interceptions but not bad enough to see the return of Sexy Rexy. He did have 2 touchdown passes, but that was the beginning and the end of anything for the Bears. Adrian Peterson had 131 yards rushing, Bernard Berrian had 122 yards receiving and 4 different Vikings scored touchdowns, leading Minnesota over Chicago, 34-14.

Who Shot Plaxico Burress?

We all know since the Super Bowl, Plax has been nothing short of a pain in the *ss for many people around the NFL. So who shot Plaxico Burress?


Suspect #1: Tom Coughlin (and the NY Giants)

Tom Coughlin and the NY Giants rewarded Plax for his 2007 championship season with a five-year, $35 million deal at the start of this season. It was particularly beneficial to Burress who was able to use all that extra cash to pay all the fines he's drawn from the league for criticizing its officials, and from the team for showing up its head coach, skipping practice, skipping meetings...He has an authority problem, specifically a head coach problem.


Suspect #2: Tom Brady

Before the "Giant Loss" or the "Super Bowl Watched Round the World," whatever you want to call it, Plaxico Burress predicted the Giants would beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, 23-17. Brady’s answer was to laugh at Burress, saying “"We're only going to score 17 points? OK. Is Plax playing defense?"
Well, we all know that Plaxico served Brady a nice, warm glass of, “what the hell are you gonna do with all them 19-0 shirts?” when he caught the winning Giants' touch-down. (P.S. Brady, you were 3 points short of 17).

Suspect #3: Jerry Jones

(That man is already creepy enough without me photo shopping.)
We all know how that Cowgirl’s love their trouble makers. (See here). Jerry Jones’s eyes were bound to light up when he saw a Buper-bowl champion, fighting with his coach, yelling at refs and skipping practice. The thought was bound to cross his mind, as it did mine, “Wow. This guy is one weapons offense short of playing for the Dallas Cowboys.” Jones knows that other teams cut players who spend part of the season in jail, and perhaps he saw an opportunity to pick up a receiver...if he could only get Plax caught with a weapon of some sort…hmmm….


Suspect #4: Plaxico Burress

Is it possible that Plaxico Burress, who has a history of shooting himself in the foot, figuratively, has finally done so, literally? Carrying an illegal weapon, in a night club, that accidentally went off and shot himself in the leg? Since he is now facing charges of weapons possession, I guess this time he did shoot himself in the foot BOTH figuratively and literally. SEE YA IN DALLAS, PLAX!

Suspects that were ruled out early in the investigation:

Brett Fav-ruh:

We all know he doesn't have the..."guts"... to shoot anyone.

That Cute little Squirrel From The Broncos-Browns game. See here.


*NOTE: In order to find guns to photoshop into these pictures, I had to search "guns" and various gun terms on Google. It is likely that I am now on the FBI's Must Watch list.

Football Fundamentals: What the @#$% is a "FREE KICK?"

I am sure while everyone was watching the best game of the week, (Giants v. Cards) they were distracted from appreciating the beauty that is WORLD CHAMPION NY FOOTBALL GIANTS FOOTBALL, by the question "What the @#$% is a free kick?"

In their desperate attempt to keep pace with an, obviously better, football team, the Cardinals attempted a free kick and no one knew what was going on. It is obvious that the Cards had been watching their ESPN Classics because the play was only ever used once, in 1968.

Not sure when this will ever be relevant, again; Maybe in another 20 years when someone forgets how stupid it is and tries it again, but its more likely to be a question on Jeopardy. So here it is:

Following the legal fair catch of any kick, the receiving team may choose to run a regular scrimmage play OR they may free kick the ball from the the yardline where the catch was made. Simply stated, a free kick following a fair catch is a kickoff with a chance for 3 pts. For the most part all the rules are the same as for a kickoff (i.e., teams 10yds apart etc.). The ball must be held and cannot be placed on a tee. So essentially, the Cards tried a 68 yards field goal.


We all knew he wasn't making a 68 yard field goal, so what did the Arizona Cardinals prove??? Simple. That they know more about football than Donovan McNabb! (yes, an NFL game may end in a tie!)


Just when you thought he couldn't get anymore stupid! He didn't know that you could tie in the NFL? Has he never watched a football game ever?
You only work (and barely) once a week, McSimspon...I mean McNabb. Take one of the other 6 days and read the rule book. The Cards did!

Giant Leap over the Eagles

That is the beauty of being the NY Giants. Well, aside from the obvious of playing the best game of football that can be found in the NFL and the reigning World Champions, the name "Giants" lends itself to so many headline possibilities (like the one above). Watch, this week alone:

GIANT Embarrassment For Philadelphia.

GIANT lead in the NFC

GIANT Takeover at Lincoln Financial Field

or

Donovan McNabb Takes GIANT ****** (the number of asterisks is irrelevant; figured you could insert your own wording there!)

Giants Rock Cowboys!

I worked hard on this photo-shop job and forgot to put it up yesterday!



I know that Romo didn’t play Sunday, but he’s more fun to make fun of than the old guy who QB’s for the Cowgirls now, and either way...the only thing I love more than the Giants, is the Giants rockin’ the Cowgirls!

Week six in the NFL Recap (Say it isn't so!)

I know, you are all dying to see what I say about last night’s ridiculous performance, but you will just have to wait. Will I rip Eli apart, like I do other quarterbacks on their bad days or will I let him slide because he is the man at the helm of my World Champion NY GIANT heart? It is killing you, isn’t it? I will get to that. But first, Sunday...

The Atlanta Falcons celebrated a win over the Chicago Bears like they had just won the Super Bowl. Maybe it’s because they won the game on a 48 yard field goal, 22-20 or maybe it is because winning doesn’t come easy to the now 4-2 Falcons, but there were players hugging and lifting each other in a giant pile in the center of the field. I like to see players getting along, but I draw the line where I saw one player raise his arms in the air and point one finger on each hand in the air (no, not that one); the one you would use to say you are number one.I could see how they might think this is the end of the season, since this 4th win, tied their total wins for the entire last season. (no, not just in their division, but total). Baby Steps!! You have to learn to win in the regular season before you can play with the big boys.


I also want to congratulate the Houston Texans on their very first win! Before they know it, they will be catching up to the Falcons! Ok, ok, baby steps for them, too. Its obvious getting one win was busting their a**. I will let them bask in the glory of their single victory, after all, they tied the number of wins the team they beat had last year...total! Yup, that’s right, they beat the Dolphins. How did they do it? With Matt Schaub...he was sick in the hospital with IVs and the whole nine yards, but they would have checked him out themselves and made him play with a portable IV if they had to, after Sage’s performance last week. Matt felt no pressure I am sure, as there is no possibile performance worse than Mr. Rosenfels’s. Now that the Texans have won a game, I no longer feel I need to hold back on the Sage jokes.
Does no one else see anything wrong with a man named Sage? Perhaps his inability to perform is due to the fact that he is performing on the wrong stage. He is named after a spice! If Sage were Cinnamon....



I have to give you credit, big bro. The Colts played like the Giants have been playing and didn’t play last night. Colts over Ravens, 31-3 and it is due to Mannings flawless passing into double coverage for touchdowns. The defense had their help with Flacco throwing an interception, losing a fumble and handing off to no one, but Colts D deserves their credit for 4 sacks and holding the Ravens to ZERO first downs into the second quarter. What happened Mr. Manning, did ya feel your little brother clipping at your heels?

The Vikings just barely, and I stress barely, squeaked by the Detroit Lions and again, I saw a celebration of epic proportions, where a Viking put up the universal “we are number one sign.” What is going on? Guys! Hello? You beat a no win team, who is a contender for nothing, other than the worst team in the league. Now you think you are number one? Shall I point out that, had a referee not blown a pass interference call, you would have been out of field goal range and lost?
Come on! The Vikings should have taken their “win” and walked quietly off the field in hopes that no one would remember they almost lost to the Detroit Lions’ BACKUP! (Yeah guys! The guy that backs up Kitna!)
*These guys no that there are 16 weeks in the regular season, right?

Well I have good news and better news. I got a second chance at a survivor pool and this time I bought 2 picks. The better news, the Saints had something to prove after last week and sent the Raiders back to L.A. or Oakland or wherever they go where no one watches them play! An embarressing 34-3 win for the New Orleans Saints and loss for the Oakland Raiders.

HOWEVER, Welcome back Jay Cutler because Jason Campbell is the new Jay Cutler! STUPID JASON CAMPBELL! The Washington Redskins lost to the...St. Louis Rams. My shoe-in for the worst team in the league! Some guy named, Oshiomogho Atogwe, scored the Rams only touchdown to beat the ‘Skins, 19-17. I think Strahan put it best when he said “some teams just can’t handle being front runners!” That’s right Campbell, you cost me a Survivor pick, and you and your stupid Redskins can go and take a seat where you belong, quietly in the back shadows of the NFC EAST. The Eagles, Cowboys and Giants may not be undefeated but they did NOT lose to the Rams!

Whose turn was it to beat up on Cincy? The New York Jets. The Jets wore those ugly throwbacks again and they beat Cincy in a “no big deal game” 26-14. I am starting to wonder if the Jets dry cleaners are on strike because I have seen teams wear their throwbacks, once a season, in an effort to sell more jerseys, but the Jets have chosen this hideous attire more than once this, 6 week, season.

Tampa Bay and Carolina tie up their records at 4-2. The Panthers had three interceptions and a punt that was blocked and returned for a touchdown. Need I say more? Tampa Bay over Carolina, 27-3. I would make fun of Jake Delhomme’s three interceptions, but I can’t for obvious reasons. (If not obvious enough, See Giant game). I, suddenly, feel a deep sympathy for Carolina fans who had to sit and watch their QB throw away a chance to score, over and over and over. “It’s going to be okay, it’s just one game. Everyone is entitled to a bad game and they will be back on track next week.” (Or so I am told over and over as I pretend the Giants didn’t play last night.)

I thought about it, and I am willing to accept Jay Culter’s apology. His loss to Jacksonville was an obvious, “Please don’t hate me anymore, I can’t stand it. Look! I don’t only lose when you are betting on me. Take me back!” plea. So, Jay...it’s okay. I understand. Apparently, all QB’s have bad days (See Giants last night). Apparently, I am supposed to accept that not every game can be won and forgive, Eli. I mean you. After all, you only threw one interception last night...egh...Sunday.

Tony Romo continues his record streak for games with a fumble as the Cowboys purposely tried to lose to the Cardinals. There is no other explanation. Arizona kept a tight lead and on the last drive of regulation the Cowgirls were out of field goal range and down by 3. Read to go home, Arizona jumps offsides to place the Cowboys, barely within range of a 52-yard field goal which rolled over the cross bar to tie the game. (It took 2 tries. The first one was offset by a time out called before the snap by Arizona to ice the kicker.). The Cowgirls clearly upset that they didn’t lose, had their punt blocked in O.T. and returned for a Arizona TD. 24-30, final.

I almost forgot the most important part of that game. Tony Romo broke is finger and hopes to be back to play the Redskins. Yup, weeks from now!

GOOD NEWS: He will be back with plenty of time to choke in the playoffs.
BAD NEWS: He has to explain to Jessica Simpson why he can't just get a new finger.


Donovan McNabb threw 2 interceptions (one less than Eli) in the Eagles game against the 49ers. I can’t say I know why I still have to write about the 49ers. Even if one of them were to do something I love, like pick off McNabb, I wouldn’t even know his name. So in any even, two unnamed men wearing gold and red intercepted McNabb, but couldn’t do anything else to stop their 26-40 loss to the Eagles. Wait! I actually have something to say about the 49ers. Apparently, McNabb and Reid just passed the Montanna and Walsh combo for most wins. Joe Montana was a 49er!

Okay, Green Bay beat Seattle who was playing with a back up quarter back whose name will not be remembered and San Deigo beat New England. I didn’t watch. Sorry. But I can’t take this anymore....

THE FREAKIN GIANTS! What happened? Where was the “hand of God” last night? Eli, oh, Eli! It was like I was living a bad nightmare of your first three seasons in the NFL. The same stupid plays, the same bone head throws, the same blank expressions of “did I do that?”
The Cleveland Browns didn’t beat the Giants! The Giants beat the Giants. Eli was airing out passes to no one like he was Rex Grossman. Naturally, they were intercepted. Where was my Super Bowl Champion? Where was the guy who got angry at interceptions and shook off lineman to avoid sacks? Who was this head shaking, indifferent, rookie, I saw last night?
Are you mad at me for suggesting that I would ice Tony Romo’s hand for him? I was joking Eli. You know that you are my one and only true QB-1. I would never betray you, provided you never get traded to another team. When everyone was saying you hated football and that your daddy made you play or that your brother was the better Manning...I believed in you. When Giant Stadium was filled with T-shirts demanding Phillip Rivers back, I wore #10!So where were you when I needed you Eli? Where were you against the Browns?
They said that you didn’t have it in you, that you couldn’t win a Super Bowl. They said that you would never be as good as Peyton. I defended you. I told them to wait and see, that Eli Manning was a football god! I suffered with you threw seasons of Tiki saying you weren’t a leader and the press saying you didn’t care about winning. Until finally, there you were! A man! All grown up! Leading my team to the Super Bowl. You were yelling at receivers for missing catches. You were exerting authority. You were everything I wanted you to be.
But then last night, it all came back. You threw an interception and then looked down at your feet. You shook you head and walked off the field and returned only to do it again.
They called you OVERRATED! The stupid Browns with their Brady Quinn pity, called you OVERRATED! (Of course the Brown’s are completely ridiculous and rarely get to chant anything, so we give them what we can, as pathetic as they are. )
But you can’t let this happen. You had the Steve Smith connection all night but just couldn’t deliver. No, Eli! We have been through this! You won the Superbowl! You are a big boy now! You even grew "big boy" hair, remember?


But I was told that you are entitled to a bad game and after screaming at the tv, I decided...fine! We can get past this. We aren’t going to let the ghost of Eli’s past, haunt us into forcing passes. I have bad days...so can you. But from now on, have them in the off season.

Week 5 in the NFL (better a date late than two!)

44-6! That is the only way to start this weeks recap. The WORLD CHAMPION NY GIANTS gave a swift 44-6 a** kicking to the Seattle Seahawks. The Giants played beautifully, Eli’s perfectly thrown pass to Hixon on their first drive of the game looked as if the hand of God had reached down to guide the ball safely into the end zone. Brandon Jacobs, 3 T.D.s, 106 yrds rushing; Hixon 1 T.D., 102 yards receiving, Eli Manning 2 T.D.s, no interceptions, 267 yards passing, 523 yards of total offense. Even David Carr had a touch down. It was as if receivers danced poetically in and out of their patterns, to a song written by angels, for Eli while the defense held the Seahawks to 187 total yards, as if they were guarding their end zone like the gates of heaven. It was as if....as if...Plaxico Burress didn’t even exist. You didn’t see that coming did you? Seriously, it was a flawless performance for the WORLD CHAMPS and an embarrassment for Seattle.




You may find it hard to believe but, there were actually other games on this Sunday. Another thing you may find hard to believe, Kerry Collins continues to lead the Titans to 5-0 with a 13-10 win over the Ravens this week. Why didn’t Kerry play like that for the Giants? (Actually he did, it was the rest of the team that decided not to play back then. You remember Tiki, don’t you?) Let’s see if they can keep this up next week, when rumor has it, the Titans plan on throwing Vince Young back in the mix. In my humble opinion Tennessee, if your quarterback is winning games, you just let him do his thing, I don’t care what your options are. If it aint broke, don’t fix it!

Apparently, the only time Kansas City shows up for a game is when they are screwing up by Survivor pool picks. (Stupid, Jay Cutler!!) Given their win last week, it looks like the Chiefs had something to prove this week..that they were still the worst team in the league. (Next to St. Louis, of course). Coach Edwards was quoted as saying “he didn’t see this coming.” Are you kidding? Did he mean the loss, or the shut out?!? Last week ended a 12 game losing streak for the Chiefs. Maybe he forgot. If he is wondering how they lost, I am happy to explain. Huard was less than 50% with his passing and two of his completed passes were to the other team. There is also the issue that he didn’t manage his second first down of the game until his fate was sealed 24-0. Oh, and did I mention the fumble? Come on guys, you really didn’t see this coming? Well see it now, because until you pick a quarterback and stick with him, it will keep happening. Changing your leading man every game creates the instability that guarantees losses. Wow! Maybe I should coach the Chiefs! Credit to the Panthers though, their defense was excellent, holding Larry Johnson to a total of 2 yards! Final score: 34-0.

Another embarrassment, though not quite as bad, was the Chicago Bears over the Detroit Lions, 34-7. Look at that Detroit. You are exactly one T.D. away from being as bad as the Chiefs. Good work! What was the best play call the Bears ever made? “Pretend Rex Grossman doesn’t exist, on three!!” Orton threw for 334 yards and 2 T.D.s. Detroit did nothing but suck.

Despite Aaron Rodgers’ 313 yards passing and 3 touch downs, 97 yards of penalties and foolishness allowed the Falcons to squeak by the Packers 27-24. But it wasn’t as exciting as the comeback of the week.... Peyton “the lesser” Manning, was being lead by the Texans by 17 points, when in pure Texans fashion...they blew it! They didn’t score again. In under 3 minutes the Colts scored 21 points. What happened next was just pure devastation for Steve Slaton who had two touchdowns and Mario Williams who had two sacks. They did all they could but their quarterback single handedly sealed their fate as contenders for the worst team in the NFL (aside from the Rams). It sounded something like this:
Winless Texans about to beating the Colts by 17 with 8 minutes lef tint he game.
Touchdown Colts! 4 minutes left int he game. Rosenfels back to pass, FUMBLE! Touchdown Colts!Colts down by three just over 3 minutes on the clock.Rosenfels back to pass again, he's SACKED and FUMBLE! Touchdown Colts!Rosenthal has a chance to redeem himself. There is still 2 minutes on the clock, Rosenfel is back, looks left and throws deep...and...it INTERCEPTED! Goodbye, Texans!
*I actually had an entire section here announcing the play by play but, I edited it out. But that is why you will find the remainder of the recaps so short...
I was actually going to put a picture here of Rosenfels Want Ad for friends, or make fun of how even the Dolphins didn't want him or his name being "Sage." But as the list of reasons to make fun of him got longer, I realized, it is just too easy and this guy already has it pretty rough. I mean look how cute and innocent and scared he is....

"Oh God, can you hear me? Its me Sage! Please? If you are done with Eli Manning can you please not let me drop this ball, again...everyone hates me! "


Miami beat San Diego 17-10. Chad Pennington throwing 22/29 is slowly but surely pulling the Dolphins out of the land of no return their 15-1 season sent them to last year. We will be back to hearing how Dolphins aren’t fish but mammals and how they are stronger than sharks, in no time!

Everyone sing with me! Cry, Eagles, Cry! All the way to last place in the NFC East...beat by the Redskins. 23-17.

Stupid Jay Cutler and the Broncos beat Tampa Bay 13-16. Despite throwing for his worst game all season Cutler managed a win this week....probably because he already lost the pool for me last week! This game was terrible. No one played well, it was just lucky.

Upset of the week was, Arizona over Buffalo, 41-17. The Cardinals were scoring like its their job, (wait it is their job!), the first three quarters, but absolutely nothing happened in the 4th. You could have turned off the tv.

I am sure you heard or read Ocho Cincos claims that he would kiss the Dallas star is he scored in Cincys game against Dallas. Well, he didn’t. Not only did Cincy lose their fifth game of the 5-week season, but Ocho Cinco did nothing. 3 receptions for 43 yards. Maybe next time. Ocho wasn’t the only clown in that game. Last week, T.O. said Dallas didn’t win because they didn’t give him the ball either. I can’t imagine he was happy about the win, since he only touched the ball three times...all game!

2 interceptions by Cassel was met with three interceptions by O’Sullivan. It was like they were trying to beat each other out in a game of “who can be the worst QB of the week.” Although, clearly they didn’t see the Texans game. Anyway, assuming they were playing to win, New England came out on top of the 49ers, 30-21.

Pittsburgh v. Jacksonville was down to the wire. Steelers took the lead at the end of the 4th with a TD and a failed 2 pt. conversion, but the win was sealed when the Jags turned the ball over on downs in the final seconds. Steelers, 26-21.

Saints wrote the recipe on Monday night for “How to Lose to the Vikings at home.” You take 2 interceptions by Brees and add 2 fumbles by Reggie Bush. You would think that would be enough, but just to make sure the loss turns out just right, you want to add 3 more fumbles by Drew Brees and wait until they result in Viking points. Then incase the Saints get in the red zone again, it is recommended that you seal the loss and top it off with 2 missed field goals.
Come on Saints! What happened? You disappoint me, Reggie.

Week Three in the NFL

Here is what you missed this week.
The Giants nearly gave me a heart attack. I took them over Cincy this week and they went into over time. The Giants sacked Carson Palmer 6 times in the first half alone, and only managed to enter halftime with a tied score at 13. I have no idea where the offense was....They didn’t end up showing their faces until the 4th quarter and went 68 yards in nine plays to retake the lead by 3. Only to have the Bengals kick a quick field goal and send it into overtime. Giants won the toss and did nothing impressive but managed to put up 3 points to win the game. Moral of the story, never bet on your own team cause if they lose its like being mad TIMES TWO!

Just about everyone else on the Dallas Cowboys' offense had a big night in a 27-16 victory at over the Green Bay Packers, at Green Bay. Some guy named Miles Austin for Dallas has 2 huge catches, despite the fact that no one even knew who he was. I am pretty sure even Tony Romo thought, “who the heck is that guy out there with the Dallas jersey? Oh well, he is open, here it goes!” I was rooting for Green Bay, but oh well!

A 51-yarder with 4 seconds left put the Jaguars ahead of the Colts 23-21. This seals Peyton’s fate as the lesser Manning and now Eli can safely call him and say “You wanna come over this weekend Bro and I will teach you some football fundamentals? I can let you borrow my game tape, so you can see how I do it! Or maybe we can start small by throwing a football through a tire in the back yeard???” Haha...I love it!

[Peyton: I hate you, Eli!! Daaaad! It's not fair! Eli is playing better than me!!!]


[Archie: Boys! Cut it out! Eli, I want you to take your brother out in the backyard and show him how you connect with Plaxico Burress every week.
Eli:Fine! Next thing you know, I will be teaching him to do commercials, too!]

The Eagles beat Pittsburgh 15-6 in what could quite possibly be the most boring game EVER! Donovan McNabb-hurt and a big P-word! Westbrook- hurt and out of the game! Ben Rothlisburger- hurt and played with a bandaged hand! So the game was purely defense and purely boring!

Unfortunately for the Browns, Anderson is their quarterback and he starts over Brady Quinn, so now you know, why no one wanted to draft the QB from Notre Dame! He sucks, because the guy who starts over him had 2 interceptions returned for touch downs against the Ravens. And Baltimore beat the Browns 28-10.

In the battle over “WHO SUCKS MORE” it turns out that, while the 49ers still suck, the Detroit Lions suck more. San Fran beat Detroit in a game no one watched because we tend to forget either one of them are teams in the NFL. Score: 13-31.

Seattle beat St. Louis 37-13, for Seattle's first win, which actually says nothing about Seattle because St. Louis might be the only team worse than Detroit.

Denver Broncos escaped with a 34-32 win over the New Orleans Saints, when they kicked a field goal with under 2 minutes left. This weeks theme seems to be “special teams wins (or in some cases loses) games!”

Kurt Warner had about the same game as Campbell passing wise, but his team kept turning the ball over, so in another game that I care nothing about, except that the Redskins are in the NFC East, the Redskins pulled out a W over the Cardinals 17-24.

The Titans despite having Kerry Collins (ex-giants, ex-alcoholic) as a QB, destroyed the Houston Texans 31-12. I heard some rumors that people thought, Houston’s week one loss was just a bad game and they could turn out to be a decent team when they got back from their bye week....hmmm...guess those rumors were put to rest. I am pretty sure we can file the Texans with the 49ers, Detroit and St, Louis....under G for garbage, or good bye, or great team to bet against!

But before you close that “G” file, let me put the Raiders in there too. They lost to Buffalo 24-23. However, Bills overcame three quarters of their own inability to play football to score 17 points in the final 8 minutes. So they may be joining their Raider buddies in the garbage pile if they keep playing like they did most of the game!

It is a toss up, who is the crappier QB: Thigpen or Matt Ryan? Considering Thigpen was 14 for 36, I think he can safely change his name to Tyler “I threw 3 interceptions in a game against the Falcons” Thigpen. At least Atlanta had some defense and a rushing game, to run in 3 TDs and not allow a first down for KC until the 2nd Quarter. They won, 38-14. (Hey! You said ran in 3 touch downs...where did they get the other? Thigpen's interceptions!)

G. Frerotte...do you know who that is? I doubt it...he is the QB for Minnesota. He also went 16-28 and 204 years passing against Carolina. However, they only had one offensive touchdown. Which turned out to be enough, because the Panthers fumbled for Vikings Defensive touchdown and a few boring field goals later, the Vikings beat the Panthers 20-10.


OMG! I almost forgot. I am sure you are thinking, what about the Dolphins? I am sure they lost to the Pats, but she didn't mention them! Well, I was saving them for last. Because, none other than the Miami "Yeah we wear aqua and orange" Dolphins, put an end to the Patriots undefeated regular season! Of course, they are without Tom Brady, but those are just excuses when they got rocked 38-13. Where was their defense? Last I checked, Brady didn't play defense.
Face it! Pats are no longer a team to be feared!

Monday’s Report:
48-29 San Diego over NY’s lesser team, the Jets. San Diego was robbed the last 2 weeks, so they were over due and maybe now the Jets’ fans will quiet their Super Bowl chatter.