Saturday, October 31, 2009

NFL Recap: Halloween Edition (Week Seven)

I know, I have never been quite this late, but it’s Halloween and you get a special addition!

I went to the game on Sunday night in the Meadowlands. After 4 hours of tailgating, I wasn’t as upset as you would think to find out I had great seats to see the Cardinals beat the Giants, 24-17. Wondering what happened?

On the other hand, had I been sober enough to notice all this was going on, it might have been a more interesting game. Arizona safety, Antrel Rolle's, was docked $7,500 by the league this week for "unnecessarily striking a defenseless receiver," for an extremely late hit on Kevin Boss. Ahmad Bradshaw was also fined, $5,000 for hitting Cards DT Darnell Dockett in the face mask after a play late in the game. The hit came after Dockett saying something to him while lying on top of him after making the tackle. After the game, Dockett mocked Bradshaw's punch on T.O.’s favorite outlet, Twitter. "felt like a scoobey snack. Glass joe on mike tyson hit harder than U."

Docket, do I need to remind you that Bradshaw’s punch came after you laid on top of him for an extended period of time after a tackle? Does he really even need to comment?

Don’t worry, I got this guy in the parking lot afterward!



Speaking of guys on guys. Is it me, or is Brett Favre checking out this guys butt?



Oh, you didn’t know the Vikings played this week? That’s because they lost. And you know the new NFL Rules. Praise Favre for all positive plays, ignore any losses. I would like to thank Big Ben and the Steelers for putting a one in the Minnesota Favres loss column. You get first pick of my Halloween candy! 17-27, Steelers.

While the rest of the NFL gets to smack around Tampa Bay right here on American soil, the Patriots went all the way across the pond to show the English what we see here, every week…someone beating up on the Bucs. 35-7, New England.

The Raiders had mercy on all of us this week, and after 3 interceptions, pulled Jamarcus Russell out of the game. No, Oakland didn’t improve or even score after that, but at least we don’t have to watch Russell, anymore. 38-0, Jets. (This doesn’t count toward that Sanchise!)

The Colts had a week off against the Rams. What can I say about a game that ended 42-6? (There’s always next year, St. Louis? Or baseball?) But Peyton Manning, being the stellar quarterback he is (and a Manning), is a popular Halloween costume this year. Since on Halloween, you are supposed to be disguised as something that you aren’t everyday, can you guess who was Peyton Manning this year?



Jason Campbell dressed as Peyton Manning, a player with job security. Which is an excellent costume, since Peyton Manning is probably the opposite of Jason Campbell. This guy is terrible. Absolutely terrible. Some times I am watching and wondering, “how can anyone be so bad at football?” “why doesn’t someone trade this guy for Matt Schaub? Or….me?”


Campbell wasn’t the only guy in that game dressing as a Manning this year.


Donovan McNabb is going as a Super Bowl Champion! (Now that’s a disguise!!!)
27-17, Filthadelphia over Washington.


Speaking of guys who should wear a mask. Jake Delhomme should probably hide his face…behind the Classified section of the newspaper. Delhomme threw three interceptions, (AGAIN). Even though Buffalo tried to lose, Carolina wasn’t going to let that happen. 20-9, Buffalo.

And amongst the Bills, is perhaps this years scariest Halloween costume, yet. Terrell Owens is going trick-or-treating as, YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!


Come on, could you imagine this guy with unlimited access to media? Kids everywhere will have their parents checking under their beds this year for T.O. with a microphone.

But T.O. better watch out, himself. It looks like Larry Johnson wants to give him a run for his money. With Kansas City playing like usual, L.J. took the Owens way out and decided to blame anyone, but himself. Mostly the coaching staff. Why is it their fault? Well, because according to Larry, they are gay. After Larry used negative, offensive comments and gay slurs in his public coach-bashing session, he received a 2-week suspension. Add this to Johnson’s trouble with the law and previous gay slur offenses, the Chiefs claim, Larry has played his last game for Kansas City.

I’d blame Larry and the media circus for Kansas City’s 37-7 loss to San Diego, but we all know Johnson never contributed very much and no one cares what happens in Kansas City. No excuses guy…you just suck!

…But this weekend, you can dress up and pretend that you don’t because it is Halloween!

And even Jerry Jones is going as something he isn’t every day.



Cuddly!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

NFL Recap: Week Six

Remember those days when you’d stay home and play in the snow and build snowmen, go sleigh riding and then run inside to drink hot chocolate once you couldn’t feel your fingers and toes? Well, it doesn’t snow much in Tennessee and Sunday it was a “SNOW DAY!” for the Titans. In the mean time Tom Brady threw six touchdown passes. Five of those passes came in the second quarter, an NFL record for one period and six touchdown throws tied Brady's own Patriots record. When the Titans were done with their snow angels they were sent home with a score of 0-59, Patriots.



Arizona stepped it up against Seattle on Sunday, previously unable to get the ball to "go-to-man" Larry Fitzgerald, on Sunday, Fitzgerald caught 13 of 15 balls thrown his way for his first 100-yard game of the season. Add to this the Cards intimate relationship with Matt Hasselback, lying him on his back 5 times (for 5 sacks)and it explains the 27-3 Arizona win over Seattle.


It was hyped up as the game to watch. The undefeated New York Giants versus the undefeated New Orleans Saints. Eli Manning returned to his hometown of New Orleands only to watc Drew Brees, blow by his “number one” defense. Brees ended completed 23 of 30 passes for 369 yards. The Giants came into the game giving up averages of 210.6 yards and 14.2 points. The Saints had 34 points and 315 yards by halftime! With the final score being 27-48.

I have to try and defend my G-men against those that say they aren’t a worthy opponent, and say each pass was off by just a little, stupid mistakes gave Saints easy field position and I don’t believe the Saints were as great, as the Giants were poor on Sunday. But we did get spanked, leaving me to ask….where was my defense?



The Giants room mates (or stadium mates) didn’t fair any better. The Jets played the Bills in what seemed like a game they wanted to lose, but the Jet’s refused to let that happen. Trent Edwards was injured, and replaced by Buffalo with Fitzpatrick, who threw for less than 50%....but it’s okay. The Bills cause 5 passes from Mark Sanchez and even caught a field goal in OT. Looks like the best replacement QB for the Bills, was Sanchez. After the game, Sanchez took full blame, saying the loss was his fault…”yeah, ya think?” 16-13, Bills. Told you to hold off on those “Sanchise shirts!”

The Browns were just not meant to beat the Steelers. Each team had four turnovers. Yeah, you heard correctly, four each…eight total, but I guess the Steelers fumbles just came at a better time. Who knows how you win a game with four turnovers? Failed Brown’s defense, poor ball placement and a few touchdown passes.

Ben Roethlisberger threw two touchdown passes to a wide-open offense and the Steelers were granted a first down on a questionable measurement. It helps that Big Ben was 23 of 35 for 417 yards, Hines Ward made eight catches for 159 yards and a touchdown, Santonio Holmes had five for 104 and tight end Heath Miller caught his a touchdown pass of his own.

The Washington Redskins….the poor Washington Redskins. They have yet to play a single team this year, who had a one in their win column. That’s right. The Washington hasn’t played a single opponent with a win, yet they are 2-4. This week the ‘Skin handed Kansas City their first win, in a game that someone had to win, but nobody who wasn’t playing in it cared about. 14-6, Chiefs.

What could be worse than Washington? The St. Louis Rams, who have now lost 16 in a row. Come on, give these guys some credit…it isn’t easy losing that many games in a row, eventually you play a team like the Redskins, Lions or Chiefs. But not this week. This week Jacksonville finished with 492 yards and was 11 for 16 on third downs. Then how was the game so close, you ask? How else? Three Jacksonville turnovers! 20-23, Jaguars.

Minnesota beat Baltimore and of course, all we hard about was the great, undefeated Brett Favre…who I am sure single-handedly won the game by throwing passed up for himself to catch in the end zone and switching pads during commercials to defend against the Baltimore offense…what they don’t tell you, yet again…Favre was n’t good, but “just good enough.” 31-33, Favres.

Greenbay beat Detroit, but Detroit already has one win, so it really isn’t as much fun to talk about anymore. 0-26., Packers.

Philadelphia fans were all over the Giant’s getting beat by the Saints, but probably should have held off until they found out they lost to the Oakland Raiders. The Raiders scored the only touchdown of the game and the most entertaining part of the game was probably the pigeon. If you didn’t see the pigeon that wanted good seats to the game. Check out the video below. (A little advice pigeon…there isn’t much excitement in an Eagle’s game…may I suggest flying across to New Jersey?)
Video.



Cute bird, huh? Well he wasnt the only bird on the field that had no idea what he was doing, Donovan McNabb, referred to by yahoo as “not the most situationally aware fellow” was at it again. Last year we declared MCNabb the dumbest guy in the NFL when he told the world he didn’t know a game could end in a tie, but you know…Overtime isn’t for everyone. But is there any excuses for being down 10-3 with 27 seconds left in the first half, and McNabb going to the line, calling timeout after deciding that he didn't like what he saw on the Raiders' side of the ball.

You would think not. Probably a good decision…if you have any time outs left! The time out McNabb called was his forth and Philly was penalized for delay of game. So I brought an old friend who used to help me with numbers, to try and explain the number THREE to Donavon.


If you still can’t remember McNabb, just ask yourself, “How many more Super Bowl rings do the Giants have than the Eagles?” THREE!!!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Week 5 Recap: Better late then never

Browns 6-3 over Bills. BORING! 3 field goals. Bills are 1-6 and lost to a team with 10 straight losses. And you wonder why their home games are being exported to Toronto. Don’t worry though, Alex Trebek, Shania Twain, bacon, hockey…all Canadian. (Who doesn't love Alex Trebek!!!)



Looks like Pittsburgh is (almost) back! Ben Roethlisberger had a season-high three touchdowns passes through three quarters. The Defense had seven sacks in the game, and a forced a fumble. And held off their opponent in the final minutes of the 4th to win 28-20. But the Steelers were playing the Detroit Lions! Yeah, they aren’t back…barely squeaking passed the Lions in the 4th is as good as a loss.

I am starting a movement to change Sunday to Manning Day. Eli Manning lead the Giants to a 44-7 win over Oakland. Yeah, I know it's only the Raiders, but the G-men put in their back-ups in the second quarter! If you don’t like the Giants, its okay…you can just call us “Five and Oh!” And in case you were forgetting what Peyton Manning looks like, he was on Prime Time for the 3rd time this season (its only week 5) leading the Colts 31-9 over the Titans. The Titans, a sad “ohhhhhh” and five, with Big bro Manning joining his brother in the undefeated. They make it look so easy.

Sunday also marked the return of McNabb to the arm-flapping, football experiment, currently known as, the Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles defeated Tampa Bay 14-33, but who will serve me my breakfast now? IHOP has oblong AFC and NFC stuffed pancakes with icing as laces, but it is my firm belief that Donovon McNabb should carry nothing in the shape of a football. Waffle please.



How long do you have to be in the NFL to be a veteran? I know he hasn’t been around that long, but they keep referring to Tony Romo’s inability to make plays as “rookie mistakes!” Come on! The guy has been in the NFL for 6 years. Sure he hasn’t been around as long as Favre, but it is time to take the training wheels off big boy! You just suck! The Cowgirls served the Chiefs their 28th loss in 30 games, 26-20, but had to go all the way to OT, to do it. (Looks like the Cowgirls will have plenty of time to raise the tv in their new stadium…during the playoffs, when their stadium is empty!)

Speaking of the “F-word” Guess who turned FORTY! That’s right. None other then the NFL’s favorite grey-haired, overrated, won’t get off my tv, retiring, unretiring, cry-baby, Brett “where the h*ll am I going to play this season” Favre. Yup, he is 40! That means he could have fathered his Jets replacement Mark Sanchez, Chad Henne, Matt Stafford and Matt Ryan and those are only quarterbacks…that I could think of quickly. And since he’s old, we have to pretend that everyone of his wins (and every freakin play) is a big one. So I am not surprised to hear how that Vikings crushed the St. Louis Rams, leaving out that the Rams are on a 15 game losing streak. You are still old, Favre! 38-10, Favres over Rams.



I turned on the Denver- New England game and had no clue who was playing. Not only because the Broncos wore mustard-yellow uniforms and the Patriots has scary muscle guys on their white helmets, but because since when does a Broncos QB go 35-48 for 321 yards (I guess since it stopped being Jay Cutler) and Tom Brady is no…Tom Brady! Looks like Mr. 18 and 1, never returned from his injury…or honeymoon. These old Pats just aint what they used to be. Denver over New England in OT, 17-20.

Chad Henne made his debut to quiet the Mark Sanchez bandwagon. The Jets were calling the team under Mark the Jet’s “Sanchise.” I wouldn’t be too quick to make T-shirts…we all know what happened under “Broadway Brett!” Unless of course, they look like this:



The Jets had Braylon Edwards and two fake punts fooled the Dolphins. But Miami had the wildcat, and it was the real wildcat…not that scared kitten stuff the Eagles run! With 10 seconds left in the game, Phins in the Red, RAN THE BALL…to win the game. 27-31, Miami.