Week 9: DALLAS SUCKS

The Cowgirls are terrible. I mean, really, just terrible. There is almost nothing funny about it. Dallas fans continue to whine about losing Romo and claiming, “It is because we lost Romo. It isn’t easy to win without your quarterback. “

NEWSFLASH DALLAS FANS: You just got your butts kicked, 45-7 by the Green Bay Packers. Sure, the Packers are on a roll this season, but 45-7? Seriously? And you think it is all because you lost Romo? Come on! How many positions did he play? Where’s the defense? What is their excuse? Romo has nothing to do with the Defense. Are they sad because Romo isn’t playing, so they aren’t going to play either?

I hate to tell you this… (Who am I kidding? I love it! )…but it isn’t just Romo, Dallas Sucks! The Cowgirls lost Romo in Week Six against the Giants and they were already 1-4. Losing Romo made things worse, I am sure, but Dallas has sucked since week one. Ask Jerry Jones!

Jerry Jones said he couldn’t believe Dallas was 1-7 PRIOR to their loss to the Packers, which made them 1-7. He counted the loss before his team even took the field. So he knew they were going to lose, but perhaps he thought they’d do better than 45-7 because after the game he said that, “someone would pay.” And before they could get out of Green Bay, Wade Phillips was fired.

I wonder if they even let him ride home?



I guess Jerry Jones has some good in him after all because if he REALLY wanted to make Wade Phillips suffer, he would have made him coach the rest of the season.

Two things, you definitely won’t see every year, happened this week.

This first. Well, I can guarantee you won’t see a 300lb man attempts an NFL field goal very often. With the Lions kicker injured, they moved on to the next best thing- they had defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh, kick an extra point. He missed it, but it was actually kinda cute. It was like watching the Pillsbury Dough Boy try to lift his pudgy little leg passed his soft squishy middle.

Really, the Lions went with him because apparently, he can kick. He actually kicks during practice and won a kicking competition in training camp when he booted a 30-yard field goal. (If he can make a 30 yard field goal, I’ll trade you Lawrence Tynes!)

The Jets won that game in overtime 23-20. Up by 3 with a little over a minute to go, the Lions called a pass play. The incomplete pass, stopped the clock and gave the ball back to the Jets with time for a field goal., to go into OT. Only the Lions! I’m pretty sure they are already playing for a good draft pick.

The other thing you don’t see, every day. The Cleveland Browns beat the New England Patriots, 34-14 and celebrated by drenching their coach in Gatorade. Okay, I guess that is a lot of things you don’t see often. The Browns beating the Patriots, the Browns winning at all and the Browns coach getting drenched in Gatorade (unless it is being thrown at him). So which one am I talking about? Gatorade. The Browns are 3-5. It is not everyday that you will see a team at 3-5 celebrating by pouring Gatorade over their coach. You have lost more games than you won, sometimes I forget that you are a team all together, and you wear those ugly brownish-orange uniforms, but hey, you beat the Patriots! I guess if it weren’t for small victories, they wouldn’t have any. So, CONGRATS CLEVELAND!

But wait, that isn’t the craziest part. There is always more. After the game, Browns coach, Eric Mangini, gave a speech. He said, “I feel like I am that movie Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, you get New England this week and the Jets next week. It’s special.” Huh? Wait! I guess I get it, that movie is about a guy who “screwed” a bunch of girls who are now coming back to haunt him. Not as movie most guys would admit to watching. I am pretty sure the moral of the story was that Matthew McConaughey was a bad person who needed to change his ways and you totally lost me on the “it’s special” part, but then again, I am not the “Man-genius.”

The Vikings (in purple pants!) beat the Arizona Cardinals, 27-24 and Favre ran off the field holding up a number one. Seriously, what is with these 3-5 teams? It was the Arizona Cardinals. Is one win against any team really enough for Gatorade showers and thinking you are number one, these days? Yes Favre, if the two teams in front of you should disappear and be unable to perform their duties of kicking your butt, then you will be number one...in your DIVISION!


Anyway, the Vikings achieved this win without Randy Moss, who is still jobless, and they didn’t let you keep those all purple uniforms, Randy. You could get a job as a Fruit of the Loom grape.


The Giants took pity on the Seahawks this week. They beat them 41-7, but left their quarterback in tact. Perhaps it has something to do with the REAL Steve Smith’s relationship with his old USC coach, Pete Caroll.

Don’t worry Seattle, you still have the nicest shirts in the NFL. I love the green gloves. (How much can you really say about bearing the Seahawks?)

NFL Recap: Halloween Edition (Week Seven)

I know, I have never been quite this late, but it’s Halloween and you get a special addition!

I went to the game on Sunday night in the Meadowlands. After 4 hours of tailgating, I wasn’t as upset as you would think to find out I had great seats to see the Cardinals beat the Giants, 24-17. Wondering what happened?

On the other hand, had I been sober enough to notice all this was going on, it might have been a more interesting game. Arizona safety, Antrel Rolle's, was docked $7,500 by the league this week for "unnecessarily striking a defenseless receiver," for an extremely late hit on Kevin Boss. Ahmad Bradshaw was also fined, $5,000 for hitting Cards DT Darnell Dockett in the face mask after a play late in the game. The hit came after Dockett saying something to him while lying on top of him after making the tackle. After the game, Dockett mocked Bradshaw's punch on T.O.’s favorite outlet, Twitter. "felt like a scoobey snack. Glass joe on mike tyson hit harder than U."

Docket, do I need to remind you that Bradshaw’s punch came after you laid on top of him for an extended period of time after a tackle? Does he really even need to comment?

Don’t worry, I got this guy in the parking lot afterward!



Speaking of guys on guys. Is it me, or is Brett Favre checking out this guys butt?



Oh, you didn’t know the Vikings played this week? That’s because they lost. And you know the new NFL Rules. Praise Favre for all positive plays, ignore any losses. I would like to thank Big Ben and the Steelers for putting a one in the Minnesota Favres loss column. You get first pick of my Halloween candy! 17-27, Steelers.

While the rest of the NFL gets to smack around Tampa Bay right here on American soil, the Patriots went all the way across the pond to show the English what we see here, every week…someone beating up on the Bucs. 35-7, New England.

The Raiders had mercy on all of us this week, and after 3 interceptions, pulled Jamarcus Russell out of the game. No, Oakland didn’t improve or even score after that, but at least we don’t have to watch Russell, anymore. 38-0, Jets. (This doesn’t count toward that Sanchise!)

The Colts had a week off against the Rams. What can I say about a game that ended 42-6? (There’s always next year, St. Louis? Or baseball?) But Peyton Manning, being the stellar quarterback he is (and a Manning), is a popular Halloween costume this year. Since on Halloween, you are supposed to be disguised as something that you aren’t everyday, can you guess who was Peyton Manning this year?



Jason Campbell dressed as Peyton Manning, a player with job security. Which is an excellent costume, since Peyton Manning is probably the opposite of Jason Campbell. This guy is terrible. Absolutely terrible. Some times I am watching and wondering, “how can anyone be so bad at football?” “why doesn’t someone trade this guy for Matt Schaub? Or….me?”


Campbell wasn’t the only guy in that game dressing as a Manning this year.


Donovan McNabb is going as a Super Bowl Champion! (Now that’s a disguise!!!)
27-17, Filthadelphia over Washington.


Speaking of guys who should wear a mask. Jake Delhomme should probably hide his face…behind the Classified section of the newspaper. Delhomme threw three interceptions, (AGAIN). Even though Buffalo tried to lose, Carolina wasn’t going to let that happen. 20-9, Buffalo.

And amongst the Bills, is perhaps this years scariest Halloween costume, yet. Terrell Owens is going trick-or-treating as, YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!


Come on, could you imagine this guy with unlimited access to media? Kids everywhere will have their parents checking under their beds this year for T.O. with a microphone.

But T.O. better watch out, himself. It looks like Larry Johnson wants to give him a run for his money. With Kansas City playing like usual, L.J. took the Owens way out and decided to blame anyone, but himself. Mostly the coaching staff. Why is it their fault? Well, because according to Larry, they are gay. After Larry used negative, offensive comments and gay slurs in his public coach-bashing session, he received a 2-week suspension. Add this to Johnson’s trouble with the law and previous gay slur offenses, the Chiefs claim, Larry has played his last game for Kansas City.

I’d blame Larry and the media circus for Kansas City’s 37-7 loss to San Diego, but we all know Johnson never contributed very much and no one cares what happens in Kansas City. No excuses guy…you just suck!

…But this weekend, you can dress up and pretend that you don’t because it is Halloween!

And even Jerry Jones is going as something he isn’t every day.



Cuddly!

NFL Recap: Week Two

In Dallas, fans arrived more than 3 hours before kick off to see what 1.2 billion dollars could buy. The Cowgirls now play in one of the most expensive sports venues ever built. In case you haven’t heard (over and over and over) the retractable roof was specially designed by a structural engineer and is opened to reveal a glowing Dallas star, but can be covered by the retractable roof panel to protect against the elements. Inside a pair of nearly 300 ft tall arches span the length of the stadium dome and are anchored to the ground at each end. The new stadium also includes "more than 3,000 Sony LCD displays throughout the luxury suites, concourses, concession areas and more, offering fans viewing options that extend beyond the action on the field," and a center-hung video display board that is the largest high definition television screen in the world. Glass doors, allow each end zone to be opened…

…The one thing that Jerry Jones can’t buy…and the one thing the stadium can’t do is….win!

The stadium outshone the team, as the biggest cheers in Dallas came for the commercialization and exploitation of their football team in a stadium that held 105,000 disappointed fans. Each and every one of them got to see Romo’s THREE turnovers, on the BIG TV! (and that fumble, too!!!) The Giants, again, disappointed in the red zone, but their defense was, as usual, unmatched.

The lead changed hands several times (and we only got a shot of Jerry Jones in his comfy booth, when Dallas was winning….hmmm…wonder why?).



But the politicians and celebrities invited to this media fest all got a front seat to the “Giant Defense Show!”

They also got to see, Eli Manning go 25/38 for 330 yards and two touchdowns, Mario Manningham catch 10 passes for 150 yards and a touchdown and Steve Smith with 10 passes for 134 yards and a score.

While the Cowgirls focused on impressing the world with LCD displays, the G-men decided to play some high-definition football!

Pole dancing cheerleaders, ex-con (I mean ex-cowboy) players, flashing lights and fireworks, the Dallas Cowgirls were a side event in their own freak show. That stadium was their circus…and Tony Romo was their clown!



In case you can’t see him juggling the football…here it is on the BIG TV!



By the way, Flozell Adams, Justin Tuck is coming for you!!!
(What kinda name is Flozell? Do you know Plaxico?)

You know what usually happens when you can’t deliver in the red zone (and don’t have the Giants amazing defense)? You lose to the Baltimore Ravens. San Diego had to settle for 3, four times while inside the Baltimore 10. With 436 passing yards for Rivers, the Chargers still fell short to Flacco and the Ravens. 31-26 Baltimore.

You have to play Defense. Defense wins games. Perhaps they should have taken a look at the Denver Broncos who defenses came out of nowhere, literally, with 4 sacks on Brady Quinn. (Oh Brady Quinn, it just keeps getting better for you, doesn’t it?) Kyle Orton outplayed Quinn, but that isn’t hard…the Browns have scored ONE offensive touchdown in 2 games. However, they owe their win to the run game (or the Brown’s poor run defense); Buckhalter rushed for 76 yards and Knowshon Moreno added 75 yards as the Broncos ran the ball 37 times for 449 yards. 6-27, Broncos.


Jay Cutler must die! (The actual movie is John Tucker Must Die, but I doubt anyone actually saw it). When everyone else makes fun of you Jay Cutler, I defend you. (except for last week...but you had 4 interceptions, what do you want from me?) Yet, every year, you screw up my elimination bowl pick!! I suppose I could blame the Steeler’s 3 missed field goals (just one would have tied things up) or the fact that there were huge seams in the field’s turf because Chicago had a U-2 concert the weekend before the game, but I am not an Eagles fan. I am not making excuses…I’ll just blame JAY CUTLER! Chicago beat the Steelers with a last second field goal, kicked by Robbie Gould (WE ARE…PENN STATE!). 14-17, Bears.

If the 49ers keep winning games, I am going to be forced to learn the names of some of their players. I guess I will start with Frank Gore, who had 207 yards rushing and two touchdown runs over 75 yards. (It is clear that the Seahawks had some trouble catching on to that play). Matt Hasselbeck had to leave the game with a rib injury and I don’t have much else to say because I know nothing about San Fran, except that they don’t usually win. 10-23, 49ers.

T.O. played for the Buffalo Bills this week (He was on the field last week, also, but didn’t do much “playing”). He only had 3 receptions, but one was for a touchdown, which means unlike last week, T.O. was willing to talk to the press after the game. He didn’t cry, but give him time. He did nothing last week and only 3 receptions this week…can you smell the fuse burning? Tampa Bays offense put up 450 yards rushing last week against the Cowgirls, and the offense wasn’t a problem this week, either, however their D allowed 438 yards for Buffalo and I’ve said it before (in this blog and in this post) Defense wins games! 20-33, Buffalo.

Tony Gonzalez, Tony Gonzalez, Tony Gonzalez…that is all I keep hearing. So I kept an eye on him this week. What is the big deal with Tony Gonzalez…well, he is very obviously, Matt Ice’s favorite receiver, but it isn’t so much how often he catches the ball, but how he catches the ball. He picks the ball out of the air with his fingertips and pulls it in when you think it is just out of reach, in a way that made me want him on my team. I couldn’t quite figure out why I liked him so much, until I realized….Plaxico Burress. He uses his tippy toes and fingertips, like Plaxico did when he had 2 feet. What I would do for a Plaxico Burress, hold the drama! Anyway, back to the game. The Panthers went back to Delhomme after some confusion and 5 turnovers last week. His game improved drastically (perhaps out of fear for his job) 25/41 for 308 yards passing, BUT there was that pick late in the game on the Falcons 17 yard line. (Maybe next week, Jake). 20-28, Atlanta.

Detroit scored a touchdown!!! (Small victories, for these guys). In fact, when the Lions scored, the Favre-prone announcers cheered “Touchdown Minnesota!” Oops! I am not sure if it is the fact that they have yet to get off of Brett Favre’s….bandwagon or they just aren’t used to saying “Touchdown Lions!” Perhaps a mixture of both, but there was no time to make up for the mistake, because that was the Lions only touchdown. The NFL’s favorite geriatric, unretired quarterback was Favre was 23 of 27 for 155 yards…seems like a lot of passes for only 155 yards, doesn’t it? That’s because Fav-ruh has yet to throw deep downfield once. (I don’t think you have it in you Favre!!) Let’s see what happens when he plays a real team. See ya week 16 old man! 27-13 Minnesota.

The Bengals beat the Packers by once second, literally. A false start penalty kept Cincinnati from losing their lead to the Packers. Aaron Rodgers faked a spike and looked to the end zone to put Green Bay in the lead, but a false start blew the play dead and the Bengals managed a win. Interesting but useless fact? This is the first time the Bengals win at Lambeau Field. 31-24, Bengals.

Who thought Houston was going to beat Tennessee? I didn’t. That is why I lost my second pick, when they did. (By a field goal, again.) The freakin Texans? Stupid, Titans. 34-31, Texans.

Oakland beat Kansas City and if this is the game they were showing in your area…I am so sorry. I can’t even pretend I watched it. 13-10, Oakland.

Brett Favre captures the media with all his whining and retiring, while Kurt Warner actually plays a quality game of football at the age of 38 (which is like 100 in football years!) Warner was 24/26 for 243 yards and 2 touchdowns against the Jaguars. His first 15 passes and broke the NFL's single-game record for completion percentage and 12 of 14 were for first downs. (He’s not afraid to throw down field, Fav-ruh! Take that!!!) He sat the bench with a sore shoulder in the 4th and Matt Leinart showed his pretty face for a few plays, but did nothing more than smile and flex, however, not before the Cardinal put the Jaguars away. 31-17, Arizona.

The Redskins surprised no one by continuing to be the worst team in the NFC Beast. Even though Washington beat the Rams, they headed to the locker room to a familiar sound, “booooooooo!” Fans were likely upset because Washington failed to score a single touchdown, but the fact that they failed to do so against the St. Louis Rams, who if it weren’t for the Detroit Lions would likely be the worst team in the NFL for the second season in a row, probably didn’t help. Don’t expect much from the Skins or the Rams. 7-9, Redskins.

Some of those recaps may seem rushed, but it is only because I couldn’t wait to get to this last one. The only thing that could make a better day of the Giants beating the Cowgirls, at home, in their first game, in their pretty new shiny, stadium, is if the Eagles got their a** handed to them, too… and they did!

“We don’t have McNabb.” “Next week we will have Vick.” “Kolb has never served any serious jail time.” “The sun was in my eyes.” “Mommy, the Saints won’t let us score.”
In what was obviously another week tainted with whining poor excuses as to why Philadelphia had been defeated on all aspects of the game, I am left to wonder, is McNabb really hurt or were the Eagles just thinking ahead?

There were no wings flapping in the end zone this week, as the New Orleans Saints marched all over Lincoln Financial Stadium and the Eagles just couldn’t keep up…or score, or defend or really do anything about it, at all.

Kolb threw three interceptions and Philadelphia still didn’t feel desperate enough to go with Garcia, who they signed to a 2-week contract, with the loss of McNabb. In the event something happened to Kolb, with Vick in eligible, (you know, for being a criminal), Garcia was there for emergencies.

I call three interceptions and complete domination on the field and emergency, but not one I would call Garcia up for…that kind of emergency would have to be more like “Oh no! Kolb has lost both legs…and both arms…and he’s gone blind…right before entering a coma.” (Okay, put in Garcia).

I don’t think it would have mattered. Nothing could save the Eagles from the total domination and embarrassment they underwent on their own turf on Sunday…and I loved it. ☺

Come on. Dance for me, McNabb.

Football Fundamentals: What is “turf toe?”

I don’t know about you, but whenever I hear that a football player is out with “turf toe,” I think “What the heck is ‘turf toe’ and how bad can it really hurt? Get out there and start playing on that million dollar contract, baby!” Then again, I have never had turf toe.

I think part of the reason I think that way is because of the name, itself, “turf toe.” Doesn’t have the same effect as “torn ACL” or “fractured tibia.” It is missing that, action word that makes you cringe. When I think turf toe, I think of things like “paper cuts” or “rug burn.” Nothing, season ending.

However, this week, I found out that Jerry Jones, also thinks that a simple toe injury shouldn’t keep a player from the field. As a matter of fact, he tore apart Marion Barber for not playing in the Dallas-Pittsburgh game with a toe injury, (as if that would have helped the Cowgirls, anyway). Jones questioned Barber’s manliness (Remember, Marion Marber, not Tiki…we all know Tiki is not a man), saying "He can play with that injured toe. He can play with the soreness and a combination of those things. I see nothing that led us to believe he couldn’t." He essentially said that Marion’s wittle boo-boo was all in his head.

Now, since I know that no one wants to be thinking the same things as Jerry Jones, I am going to dispel the rumors behind the sissiness of ‘turf toe.’

Turf toe: Turf toe is a condition of pain at the base of the big toe, located at the ball of the foot. (still sounds sissy.)

Why is it called ‘turf toe’: The name turf toe comes from the fact that this injury is especially common among athletes who play on artificial turf. It is caused by the running and jumping on a hard surface. (I guess ‘hard surface toe’ isn’t any better)
What happens to the toe in turf toe: A turf toe injury, is actually the tearing of the capsule that surrounds the joint at the base of the toe. (Ouch! Turf toe sucks!)Tearing this joint capsule can be extremely painful. Turf toe can lead to accelerated cartillege wear and hallux rigidus. (Relax, 'hallux rigidus' is not what you think, its actually, toe arthritis.)

'Tearing of the capsule that surrounds the joint of the toe'…now that sounds painful. If there is tearing, you have to mention that in the name. They could have simply called it “a torn joint capsule” and we would all be saying “Gee! I hope he is okay…” instead of, “Turf toe? Get up, pretty boy!”

I don’t know what it feels like to, tear a capsule in your toe. However, I have worn some really uncomfortable high heels which hurt my toe and the next day, walking on it made my eyes water. There is no way I could have played football on it.

So, I it appears ‘turf toe’ may be a legit pain in the foot. (Then again, if you were paying me millions of dollars, I don’t think my high heels injury would be a problem anymore.)

Marion Barber actually had a pinkie toe injury, as well as, one to his calf, which prevented him from playing against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday.
But hey, we can’t all be as tough as Jerry Jones right? Or maybe Jones doesn’t know what a toe injury feels like:


If a toe injury isn’t a legit reason to miss a game, then what is?
Well, this is the GM of the Dallas Cowgirls we are talking about, here. When it comes to the Cowgirls:

Excused Absence:

(Not my best work, but Pacman actually started as a white woman.)

Unexcused Absence:



More tips from the Genius Playbook of Jerry Jones:
If you lose an important game, make sure you alienate your star running back, by calling him a wuss, so that he is ready and willing to perform for the next, more important game!
Good plan! Go Giants!

Who Shot Plaxico Burress?

We all know since the Super Bowl, Plax has been nothing short of a pain in the *ss for many people around the NFL. So who shot Plaxico Burress?


Suspect #1: Tom Coughlin (and the NY Giants)

Tom Coughlin and the NY Giants rewarded Plax for his 2007 championship season with a five-year, $35 million deal at the start of this season. It was particularly beneficial to Burress who was able to use all that extra cash to pay all the fines he's drawn from the league for criticizing its officials, and from the team for showing up its head coach, skipping practice, skipping meetings...He has an authority problem, specifically a head coach problem.


Suspect #2: Tom Brady

Before the "Giant Loss" or the "Super Bowl Watched Round the World," whatever you want to call it, Plaxico Burress predicted the Giants would beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, 23-17. Brady’s answer was to laugh at Burress, saying “"We're only going to score 17 points? OK. Is Plax playing defense?"
Well, we all know that Plaxico served Brady a nice, warm glass of, “what the hell are you gonna do with all them 19-0 shirts?” when he caught the winning Giants' touch-down. (P.S. Brady, you were 3 points short of 17).

Suspect #3: Jerry Jones

(That man is already creepy enough without me photo shopping.)
We all know how that Cowgirl’s love their trouble makers. (See here). Jerry Jones’s eyes were bound to light up when he saw a Buper-bowl champion, fighting with his coach, yelling at refs and skipping practice. The thought was bound to cross his mind, as it did mine, “Wow. This guy is one weapons offense short of playing for the Dallas Cowboys.” Jones knows that other teams cut players who spend part of the season in jail, and perhaps he saw an opportunity to pick up a receiver...if he could only get Plax caught with a weapon of some sort…hmmm….


Suspect #4: Plaxico Burress

Is it possible that Plaxico Burress, who has a history of shooting himself in the foot, figuratively, has finally done so, literally? Carrying an illegal weapon, in a night club, that accidentally went off and shot himself in the leg? Since he is now facing charges of weapons possession, I guess this time he did shoot himself in the foot BOTH figuratively and literally. SEE YA IN DALLAS, PLAX!

Suspects that were ruled out early in the investigation:

Brett Fav-ruh:

We all know he doesn't have the..."guts"... to shoot anyone.

That Cute little Squirrel From The Broncos-Browns game. See here.


*NOTE: In order to find guns to photoshop into these pictures, I had to search "guns" and various gun terms on Google. It is likely that I am now on the FBI's Must Watch list.