Final Week in Regular Season Recap: "Jenny Says"

The final week in the NFL always has a bunch of games that mean nothing and no one cares about, so to talk about all of them would be a waste of time. So I have decided that for this weeks recap, we are going to play a little game you may be familiar with called "Jenny says..." (yeah, just like the song) This is how it works, it is kinda like Simon Says only totally different. I think you will get it. There were 2 major "stars" this week in the NFL, see if you can figure who they were.

Jenny says, "Raise your hand if you completed less than 50% of your passes this week!"



Jenny says, "Raise your hand if you turned the ball over more than three times this week!"



Jenny says, "Raise your hand if your team if not going to the play-offs and it is all your fault!"



Jenny says, "Just stand in front of the mic and look like the Perdue Chicken Guy if you won as many NFL games this season as she did and that your future role as a coach in the NFL is the same as hers!"


Jenny says, "Shed a tear if you are an overage cry baby whose team wishes they had never traded away their quarterback for because now that guy is going to the playoffs and they aren’t."


Jenny says, "Keep crying if you were to retire now the last thing you did as an NFL player was throw an interception to keep your team from going to the playoffs!"


Jenny says, "Cry if a coach got fired just for hiring you as the teams quarterback!"

Jenny says, "Look like a sore loser if you ran off the field and refused to shake Chad Penningtons hand after he beat you for a spot in the playoffs and made a fool of you on National TV!"


The Eagles needed a miracle to go to the play offs and they got it.
Buc lost to the Raiders, 24-31.
Giants lost to the Vikings, 19-20.
Bear lost to the Texans 34-21.
Everyone of those games were upsets and everyone of them were needed for the Eagles to go to the playoffs. McNabb only had to complete 12 passes to get there because the Cowgirls had 5 turnovers, to lose 44-6.

Chad Pennington and the Miami Dolphins had the biggest come back season, winning ten games more than the Dolphins did last year to take a spot in the playoffs, over Brett Favre.

Week Sixteen Recap Quickie: Merry Xmas Giants Fans!

Shhhh....you hear that?

That is right! You can hear it clearly now that all those haters are quiet.
On Sunday Night, the WORLD CHAMPION NY FOOTBALL GIANTS clinched the number one playoff spot and secured home-field advantage for its entirety. Giants fans have been emailing me disappointed that I didn’t post this week and asking me if I watched the game. Did I watch the game? Ha!
In the history of the NFL, three teams have had two running backs rush for 1,000 yards in the same season. The NY Giants plan to make that four teams with Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward. A bum knee can’t hold down Jacobs, who already has 1,089 yards. And his buddy Ward is only 52 yards from reaching 1,000 yards after rushing for a legend...wait for it....dary...215 yards to beat the Carolina Panthers in OT Sunday, 34-28.
*Note: The Giants game against the Vikings means NADA to New York, once Ward gets his 52 yards he will be joining the rest of the first string on the bench. Merry Christmas, Minnesota.

Sorry, Its Christmas for me too, so no full recap this week.

Letters to Santa from NFC East

What's in a name: The Sissy Name Theory

Bet you thought that I forgot about the Houston-Tennessee game, this Sunday. Well, I did. But I am going to make up for it now.

Anyhow, I have, in other posts, presented my ‘Sissy Name Theory' which says that, you can expect, no more, from an athlete, than his name allows. If you give your son a sissy name, expect him to play like one. (See the many posts I have written regarding Sage Rosenfels).
This theory also applies to the spelling of a name.
Ex. Rian Lindell, he missed 2 field goals, from 20 yards out, in the same game. (Ryan Lindell, may have made those). I should also clarify, that Rian is, in fact, listed on the team roster as a kicker. So, yes, that is his job and he sucks at it.
If you get cute and creative with a guys name, sure, he may grow up to be cute and creative, but don’t expect him to be a good football player.
For some reason, I don’t see this happening:

Then again, put nothing passed John Madden.

Still don’t believe me? Allow me to draw your attention to the Houston Texans.

This season they played with 2 different Quarterbacks. Matt Schaub started the season as QB-1, but after sustaining a tear in the MCL if his left knee (Remember from “turf toe” post that, tear = bad!). He was then ‘replaced’ (and I use that term very lightly) with back-up, Sage Rosenfels.
So let’s take a look at “Matt versus Sage,” shall we?

Matt (diminutive of Matthew)- male name of Hebrew origin, meaning, Gift from God.
Grace divine is an indispensable gift from God for development, improvement, and character expansion. Without God's grace, there are certain limitations, weaknesses, flaws, impurities, and faults (i.e. carnality) humankind cannot overcome. Therefore, it is necessary to increase in God's gift for added perfection, completeness, and flawlessness.
So who needs, Matt/Matthew, a Gift from God?

Detroit Lions:

Cincinnati Bengals (Ocho Cinco, in particular)

We all could use a little perfection, completeness, and flawlessness...


Sage (diminutive of sixteenth-century English tea)-Unisex (first clue!) name of English origin meaning an herb.
Sage is a perennial shrub (yeah! That sounds manly!) that comes from mountains in the south of Europe, but it grows in gardens in the middle of Europe, as well. Its long and thin leaves are soft and felt-like. From May or June it blossoms white to pink or blueish-purple flowers.
Sage tea inhibits the production of sweat, and is used to lessen strong sweating, resulting from hormonal changes in youth or in menopause. As sage also contains estrogen-like substances, it helps prevent menopausal problems and those of menstruation. Additionally, rinsing with sage tea can alleviate v****** discharge. (I struggled with whether that was too much, but it appears that people were only startled by the bleeped term). This helpful herb can also, strengthen the digestive system and metabolism to guard against obesity and even mouth odors.
So, who needs, Sage, the medicinal herb?

Old fat old women with bad breath

A pubescent teen with an STD...

OR any combination, thereof...

So that is what’s in the name. How does that name, effect the player?
*The following stats are from 2008 only.

Matt Schaub:

*Note: He's not that cute anymore.
Matt started 8 games for the Houston Texans and had a record of 5 wins and 3 losses. (Nope, no ties, McNabb. And one of those losses was the game where he was injured and Sage took over.) He threw for 13 touchdowns, 9 interceptions and 2,460 yards.
Passer Rating: 92.7

Sage Rosenfels:

*Note: He's still that goofy looking
Sage started 6 games for the Houston Texans and had a record of 2 wins and 4 losses (plus the game he blew for Matt). He threw for 6 touchdowns and 10 interceptions (please note that the number of interceptions exceeds the number of TDs), and 1, 431 yards.
Passer Rating: 79.5

Need more?
Sage’s only 2 wins were against the Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9) and the Cleveland Browns (4-10).
Matt’s most recent win (second game after return from injury) is against the Tennessee Titans (12-2).

Maybe it was the weather? Wait, no. They play in a dome. Hmmmm....

So, where they playing with different teams? Different coaches? Different recievers?
Nope. Only with different NAMES!

Matt Schaub and the Texans over the Titans, 13-12. (Obviously, nothing else to talk about).

Week Fifteen in the NFL Recap

*I know as so many of you reminded me, week 16 starts tomorrow, but it is hard to write a football blog when your team fails to score a single TD. Gimme a break and enjoy.

As I am sure you know by now, I am a Giants fan. That is the World Champion New York Football Giants, I am referring to, by the way.
As you also know the Giants (up until recently) have had a stellar 2008 season as the reigning Super Bowl Champions and I have loved every minute of every opportunity I have had to rub their eleven wins in the face of World Champion doubters.
However, it appears, they have now reverted to mediocre football and a questionable effort, at best. So it is only fair, that I address their shortcomings, as I would for others.
In the last two games, I have watched the G-men flop around on the football field like last years Dolphins(maybe not that bad…). It is true that the World Champions have been faced with many obstacles in the past weeks, from the Plaxico Burress foolishness to the injury of Brandon Jacobs, but even though I love my Giants, does that really excuse the lack of offensive touchdowns and Eli Manning being sacked 8 times? How many touchdown passes do you expect from a QB lying flat on his back? Where was the O-line that only allowed 15 sacks all season?
Well, I hate to provide another excuse for the G-men under performing, but it appears that Tony Romo and the Cowgirls may have taken advantage of the Giants off-field distractions and provided a little distraction of their own.
Sun-sentinal reported that security at the Stadium had to remove a female fan who was wearing a rather 'racy' Santa outfit and carrying inappropriate signs. Security said that there were children present at the game and her fishnet stockings, bathing suit bottom and high-heeled boots were not suitable for their viewing. The girls response, "you couldn't even see my underwear!" (Yes, that is what she actually said.) Who was this distraction?

(http://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/sfl-ginstfan08,0,5429105.story)
*Note, this actually took place at the Eagles-Giants game in New York, where it was, probably about 20 degrees.
Giants disgraced themselves against the Cowgirls this week, 20-8.

Well, at least we are not the Washington Redskins, right? This Thursday, the 'Skins fumbled their way to a loss against the Cincinnati Bengals. Eleven other teams managed to beat the Bengals, by doing the only thing you have to do, in order to beat them...showing up! Washington just couldn't hang on to the ball, fumbling like a team of 'Tony Romo's in the post season.' The Bengals racked up Big win number 2 and the Skin's fall to 7 and irrelevant. (See ya next season, guys!)

Speaking of irrelevant.
Seattle 23- St. Louis 20.
San Diego 22- Kansas City 21
Philadelphia 30, Cleveland 10.


Actually, I had a request for San Diego, Kansas City. So lets talk about how the Chiefs managed to blow a 21-3 lead, which they were still holding in the 3rd.
After a field goal, the struggling Chargers placed their post season prayers on an onside kick and the football gods were listening. After the ball bounced of the chest of a KC Chief, the Chargers recovered and marched right into the end zone, scoring a touchdown, they couldn’t manage to score the entire game. However, it appeared there was a football god who had the Chiefs in this weeks football pool, because KC got the ball back with plenty of time and a delay of game penalty put them within field goal range. However, only one teams prayers could be answered and it looks like the Bolts prayed harder because the ball was shanked to the left, and after a 21-3 lead, Chiefs lost to Chargers, 22-21.

But that wasn’t the biggest “oops” of the week...
Buffalo Bills lead the New York Bretts with 1:54 on the clock. Buffalo with the ball had to complete one simple task to win the game and knock Blubbering Brett Favre out of the AFC South play-off spot...run out the clock. Hold on tight to the ball and run it. But instead Buffalo decided to opt for the pass, and a ticket home. Instead of running out the clock, Losman fumbled the ball (See Tony Romo in NFC Championship game), which was recovered by a Jet, who fumbled the ball toward the end zone, picked up by another Jet, who was pushed into the end zone by a tackle from a Bill. It was what I am sure Brett Favre would describe as a tear-jerking play for both teams. Bretts over Bills, 31-27.


Indy v. Detroit was half relevant. Peyton Manning showed his obvious favorites and through for 142 yards to Clark and 104 yards to Wayne. Leading the Colts to their seventh straight win and making them a serious post season, Super Bowl contender. As for their opponents...well, we will all be hearing about Detroit in the post-season...everyone will be calling them with trades to secure their uncontested number one draft pick. 21-31, Indy.


Bear beat the Saints in the Dome. It was a rough day for the Saints, who despite allowing 2 kick returns for touchdowns, hung on for over time where, PENN STATER, Robbie Gould kicked one through the uprights to win by three. Bears over Saints, 27-24.
Same deal in the other Dome, where this time the home team took the 3 point over time lead to win. Atlanta and Tampa Bay battled out the lead for both the game and the NFC wild card spot, both teams now 9-5, but the Falcons took home the W. (Well, they were already home, but you know what I mean. ) 10-13, Falcons.

Oops. Did I miss Green Bay and Jacksonville on my list of irrelevants? Add Jacksonville 20, Green Bay 13, to the “who cares?” column.

Wow. There are still a lot of games left to talk about. Long week.

Minnesota Vikings beat the Arizona Cardinals, 35-14. Perhaps I should say Adriene Peterson beat the Arizona Cards. Sure Minnesota’s QB, whatever his name is, threw for 4 TD’s but it was Peterson’s 165 yards rushing that got them there. I wonder, (Giants included), do teams really watch game tape? If you opponent has one player and one play...shouldn’t your game plan be, “shut him down?” Another reason, I should be the NFL’s first female coach...well, I guess, I would be the second, after this one:


Baltimore played Pittsburgh and you would think that with the amount of drama involved...that the Cowgirls were playing. What exactly are the rules of football? The winning TD was scared when Holmes caught the ball with 2 feet in the end zone but the ball outside the end zone. Being ruled a TD, the Ravens challenge was unsuccessful, because there was no conclusive evidence to overturn the call, but had it been called “No TD” that also would have stood. Huh? What the really mean is the referees stood in a circle saying “Did the ball break the plane? Did it not break the plane? Wait! Does it even have to break the plan? I don’t know. Do you? Anyone have a rule book.?” And when the 90 seconds allowed for review was up, they had no answer and the play stood as called. Drama didn’t end there, after the game the Steelers celebrated like they won the Super Bowl, telling the Ravens they were the #1 defense. (Who cares, by the way?) Ray Lewis said “they only had one drive, they didn’t make plays all game.” to which Holmes said “we made plays when it counted!” Again, WHO CARES? Regardless of who made what play when and if it was even in compliance with the NFL rules, Pittsburgh won 13-9.

New England beat Oakland 49-26, but me and nine friends can beat Oakland (yeah, I know that only equals ten, I am trying to help the Raiders out.) So the real point of this game is, who the heck in the AFC East is going to the playoffs? There is a 3-way tie and the only thing that is for sure is that Brett Favre will cry. (You thought I was going to say Buffalo isn’t going, huh? Well, that is also true.)

The other AFC East playoff spot contender is the surprising Miami Dolphins. They continue to play ugly but extremely efficient football. Never scoring a single point more than they have to the Dolphins defense beat the Niners 14-9. The only stand out performance was the one Joey Porter gave in support of Plaxico Burress’s gun toting philosophy.

Porter carries a gun himself and thinks that all NFL players need to protect themselves by carrying a weapon. Maybe you are right, Mr. Porter. Maybe we are being too hard on Plax, but before you lead your crusade to change the NFL to National Firearms League, allow me to remind you, Plaxico is allowed to carry a weapon, he just has to also carry a permit and registration...and if he would like to use it to shoot himself in the leg, far be it of us to stop him, but me must do so in a location where he does not place those who want to keep their limbs, in danger. To put it simply...

Mean Girls: Dallas Edition

In this new movie, the Girls of Dallas are at it again. Based on true story and recent report by ESPN, covering the cat fights and name calling in the Dallas Cowgirls high school locker room. Tony Romo has a new gal-pal and their gossiping about T.O.

Terrell Owens:


Romo and I used to be like, best friends. I can't even believe that I cried over him! Now he and Witten are Road-game roomies and spend all their time together, gossiping and telling secrets. It is sooo not fair that they are making secret plays together that I don't know about. They are only doing it because they are jealous of me and don't want to get me the ball. I am so tired of quarterbacks being jealous of me. It is, like, so last season! First McNabb and now Romo. I totally, can't help it if I am so good that no one notices them. I'll show them! Just like I did in the Pittsburgh game. Oops! Did I forget to run my route...I am so silly sometimes... I totally didn't mean for that to get intercepted. I would never want my quarterback to look bad. *giggles*

Jason Witten:

Oh...my...God! No...freakin...way! T.O. is such a drama queen. Me and Tony were friends waaay before him and T.O. Like, way back before either of us actually got any play time. Owens is just mad because he totally missed his route last game. It almost looked like he did it on purpose. What a ditz! He is so jealous of me and Tony's relationship. He needs to get over himself.

Tony Romo:

Whatever, T.O.! I can't believe him. He is just like Jessica. You spend one road game with someone else and they think that something is going on. So insecure! I am like, so totally over this! Whatever!

Bradie James:

I am the team captain, so its like my job to like keep the peace. So, when they start pulling each others hair in the locker room, I always have to break it up. I actually broke my nail once, and I was so mad at both of them. Why can't we all just be friends and go shopping like we used to?

Seriously, I can't even make this stuff up. Check out the article here.

Football Fundamentals: What is “turf toe?”

I don’t know about you, but whenever I hear that a football player is out with “turf toe,” I think “What the heck is ‘turf toe’ and how bad can it really hurt? Get out there and start playing on that million dollar contract, baby!” Then again, I have never had turf toe.

I think part of the reason I think that way is because of the name, itself, “turf toe.” Doesn’t have the same effect as “torn ACL” or “fractured tibia.” It is missing that, action word that makes you cringe. When I think turf toe, I think of things like “paper cuts” or “rug burn.” Nothing, season ending.

However, this week, I found out that Jerry Jones, also thinks that a simple toe injury shouldn’t keep a player from the field. As a matter of fact, he tore apart Marion Barber for not playing in the Dallas-Pittsburgh game with a toe injury, (as if that would have helped the Cowgirls, anyway). Jones questioned Barber’s manliness (Remember, Marion Marber, not Tiki…we all know Tiki is not a man), saying "He can play with that injured toe. He can play with the soreness and a combination of those things. I see nothing that led us to believe he couldn’t." He essentially said that Marion’s wittle boo-boo was all in his head.

Now, since I know that no one wants to be thinking the same things as Jerry Jones, I am going to dispel the rumors behind the sissiness of ‘turf toe.’

Turf toe: Turf toe is a condition of pain at the base of the big toe, located at the ball of the foot. (still sounds sissy.)

Why is it called ‘turf toe’: The name turf toe comes from the fact that this injury is especially common among athletes who play on artificial turf. It is caused by the running and jumping on a hard surface. (I guess ‘hard surface toe’ isn’t any better)
What happens to the toe in turf toe: A turf toe injury, is actually the tearing of the capsule that surrounds the joint at the base of the toe. (Ouch! Turf toe sucks!)Tearing this joint capsule can be extremely painful. Turf toe can lead to accelerated cartillege wear and hallux rigidus. (Relax, 'hallux rigidus' is not what you think, its actually, toe arthritis.)

'Tearing of the capsule that surrounds the joint of the toe'…now that sounds painful. If there is tearing, you have to mention that in the name. They could have simply called it “a torn joint capsule” and we would all be saying “Gee! I hope he is okay…” instead of, “Turf toe? Get up, pretty boy!”

I don’t know what it feels like to, tear a capsule in your toe. However, I have worn some really uncomfortable high heels which hurt my toe and the next day, walking on it made my eyes water. There is no way I could have played football on it.

So, I it appears ‘turf toe’ may be a legit pain in the foot. (Then again, if you were paying me millions of dollars, I don’t think my high heels injury would be a problem anymore.)

Marion Barber actually had a pinkie toe injury, as well as, one to his calf, which prevented him from playing against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday.
But hey, we can’t all be as tough as Jerry Jones right? Or maybe Jones doesn’t know what a toe injury feels like:


If a toe injury isn’t a legit reason to miss a game, then what is?
Well, this is the GM of the Dallas Cowgirls we are talking about, here. When it comes to the Cowgirls:

Excused Absence:

(Not my best work, but Pacman actually started as a white woman.)

Unexcused Absence:



More tips from the Genius Playbook of Jerry Jones:
If you lose an important game, make sure you alienate your star running back, by calling him a wuss, so that he is ready and willing to perform for the next, more important game!
Good plan! Go Giants!

Week Fourteen in the NFL Recap

It is only fair: Yes, I watched the Giants' game this week. They played like...like the Oakland Raiders, out there. Dropped passes, missed tackles. They didn't cover Brian Westbrook!! How could they not cover Brian Westbrook? The Eagles only have one play! Nothing went right for the G-men. Hixon played in the place of Burress and perhaps, in an exhausted attempt to prove they didn't need Plax, the offense forced the ball to Hixon, who dropped a pass that hit him in the chest and would have otherwise, been a touchdown. The Eagles ran the same play over and over. Donovan McNabb played his usual B.S. football and still the Giants didn't catch on. What happened out there guys? 20-14, Philly.

Despite losing to the Eagles, joke of a football team, the Giants clinched the NFC playoff spot this week at 11-2. And in response to McNabb's taunting and waving at the Giants' fans, Eli has this to say (If you can't read it, click on the letter):


The Chargers played the Raiders. Normally, I would say nothing more about these teams, but this game contained a few significant events for Los Angeles Oakland and San Diego; It marked the second win, in seven games for the Chargers, of course, it was against the Oakland Raiders, but a W is a W! Right? L.T. is back, with 91 yards rushing, compared to last weeks 24 and Rivers threw 3 touchdown passes. Jamarcus Russell was carted of the field in the second quarter, but I am not sure if he was hurt or embarrassed, because he did have 2 interceptions and a fumble right before this alleged injury and he is an abnormally large QB, you'd think he wouldn't be easily injured...unless of course that injury was to his ego. (How much "ego" do you really have left at 3-10?) 34-7, Chargers.

The Jags continue to be the biggest flop in the NFL this year (we never thought the Lions were going anywhere) with their fourth straight loss being to the Chicago Bears. At the beginning of the seasons, everyone thought that Jacksonville was going somewhere, and they still are; They're going home in three weeks. The Bears didn't look so bad out there, too bad their playoff hopes were contingent upon the Detroit Lions beating Minnesota. Seriously, the Lions! You can't imagine they were too hopeful, right? 23-10 Chicago.

I would like to thank Pittsburgh for contributing to the New York Football Giants NFC East Champion-dom, by exposing Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowgirls for the fumbling fools that they are. Tony Romo threw 3 interceptions and one of them, in true Romo, 44% passer rating fashion, was to lose the game. PICTURE THIS: Game is tied up at 13, 2 minutes left on the clock. Dallas has the ball. 2nd and 8. Romo is back to pass...short one, up the middle, PICK SIX! If you missed it, it looked something like this:


The Tennessee Titans remain with just one loss. Despite 3 turnovers, they beat the Brown's this week, who if you remember are playing with "Whatever Happened to" Ken Dorsey. (Yes, that explains the win, despite the 2 turnovers). Highlights? Cleveland finished the game with 178 offensive yards...total! Chris Johnson alone, finished with 136 yards rushing for the Titans. Ken Dorsey had 5 less yards passing than Kerri Collins, but made twice as many attempts. In case you were wondering, that is what happened to Ken Dorsey. 28-9, Titans.

Perhaps the best game to watch this Sunday was Atlanta @ New Orleans. Each team finished with exactly 414 offensive yards. Matt Ryan continued to play like, Rookie of the year with 313 yards passing. The game was close for each of the 4 quarters. But a court ruling put some of the Saints back on the field and the second year, undrafted RB, Pierre Thomas (I guess the "Sissy name rule" doesn't apply to him) had 102 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns, to lead the Saints over the Falcons, 29-25.

Matt Schaub marked his return to the field with 414 yards passing, in Green Bay. It was cold for the Texans and Matt wore a brace on his leg, but the only Houston mistake was a fumbled punt return by Jacoby Jones. (Ah, there is the "sissy name rule" in effect!) Steve Slaton is giving Matt Ryan a run for his money at Rookie of the year, literally. Slaton had 120 yards rushing (10 less than last week). The best play by Houston however, came from Punter, Matt Turk, who improvised, what looked like his own punt-fake call. After receiving the snap, it appeared that Turk was thinking "Hey, you know, I always wanted to run a fake punt and they never let me, I think I will run one now!" However, there was no audible by the Punter. It turns out that Turk had no choice but to run with the ball to avoid a blocked punt and in fear for his life, he ran for an 18 yard gain. "I was running for my life, I tell you! That's when I run fastest: when someone is chasing me." Punters are so cute and fragile.

The Dolphins are not going down without a fight. This week, Miami played Buffalo in Toronto, Canada. I would love to seize the opportunity to insert a Canada joke here, but to be honest, I don't know a single thing about Canada, other than I have no need or desire to go there. There were no stand out offensive players, in the game but, the Miami defense held Buffalo to a single field goal, to sweep the Bills and keep their dim playoff hopes alive. 16-3, Miami.


Are those tears I see there, Fav-ruh? Well, this week you cry with good reason. Brett Favre was 20/31 for 137 yards, ZERO touchdowns and 1 interception...AGAINST THE NINERS! The Jets had 182 offensive yards, AGAINST THE NINERS! The Jets were dominated in every statistical category, AGAINST THE NINERS! Are you getting the picture? 24-14, NINERS!

I feel sorry for Seattle, every time I see them play. Seneca Wallace threw for 3 touchdowns and had no interceptions, but they still couldn't catch a break. Wes Walker broke out 134 yards receiving for the Pats and helped Matt Cassel convert a two point conversion to give New England a 3 point lead over the 'Hawks. Ddespite stepping up at QB this week, a Wallace fumble allowed New England to run out the clock, hanging on to that 3 point lead and beating Seattle, 24-21.

I know I usually refer to the Denver Broncos game only by Jay Cutler's performance, and this week is no different. In the Broncos domination over the. remnants of a football team. we refer to as the Kansas City Chiefs, Jay Cutler completed passes to 8 different receivers and 2 for touchdowns. I hope you didn't want more highlights cause they played the Chiefs. I think you know what happened. 24-17, Denver.

Arizona clinched their division this week with an easy win over the St. Louis Rams. Again, not sure you are expecting any highlights...it was the St. Louis Rams. 34-10, Cards.

Washington doesn't want to give that last place spot in the NFC East to the Eagles without a fight. Campbell did his part in the quest for last place with two interceptions and Portis added a fumble. But let's not discredit the Raven's defense which finally showed why they are ranked so highly...or maybe only one player should be ranked that highly. The Ravens defense consists of one man, Ed Reed. Reed had both interceptions, forced a fumble and had six tackles and a sack, holding Clinton Portis to 32 yards rushing and single handedly beating the Redskins. 24-10, Ed Reed over Washington.

I forgot about the Colts. It was probably because they were just the latest team to give an old-fashion beat down to the Bengals. Three touchdown passes for this Manning brother, this week, and four turnovers by Cincy put Indy on top, 35-3.

Something else I forgot:
INTERESTING YET USELESS NFL FACT:
Almost every game you hear the announcer say something like, "the Giants are undefeated against the Eagles when wearing their throwback jersey." (which they never wear) Who cares? No one. But they still put it on the screen. So this week, I have one. I watched ALL of the 1:00 games this Sunday, at the same time and at 1:47 pm (EST), exactly three things happened, AT THE SAME TIME:


1. Derrick Ward, FUMBLE! (GIANTS v.Eagles)
2. Own Daniels, FUMBLE! (TEXANS v. Packers)
3. Dallas Clark, FUMBLE! (COLTS v. Bengals)
Obviously, those pictures are not the actual fumbles, especially since Ward's elbow is down and he is still in possession. But if you doubt me, go ahead and check the game recaps and play by plays. They all fumbled, at the EXACT SAME TIME!

MNF:
Jonathon Stewart had 115 yards rushing for the Carolina Panthers and he was SECOND to DeAngelo Williams, who had ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT SIX YARDS RUSHING! 2 touchdowns for each of them. (DO YOU HEAR THAT GIANTS??? WORK ON THAT RUSH DEFENSE!!!)Antonio Bryant had 200 yards receiving for the Bucs, but it just wasn't enough. Carolina over Tampa Bay, 38-23.

You Know How I Know You Suck?

Have you ever seen, 40 Year Old Virgin? They play a game called “You Know How I Know You’re Gay?” (The clip is a little long)

via videosift.com

Anyway, I am going to play a little game called, “You know how I know you Suck?”

• You play one of your best offensive performances of the year statistically and still lose to the Houston Texans.

• Sage Rosenfels throws for 200 yards and only on interception against your defense.

• Your Kicker made only 50% of his field goal attempts, but still played better than last week.

• Your Quarterback gets stepped on more than once by your Center, trips on one of his linemen, gets tangled up with another player and falls to the ground, all in the same game.

• The game you played would never have been broadcasted on Monday Night Football is the NFL sponsors had any way of knowing how terrible you and your opponent would be...and you LOST.

• You got beat so badly you actually made the Texans look good enough for some poor diluted fan to use the words “Texans” and “Playoffs” in the same sentence. (He was referring to next season; Still crazy, but not committable).

• You're playing on MNF has been compared to Detroit playing the Chiefs. (Who would watch that?)
•
• Discussion of team uniform choice, out-aired discussion of your team’s highlights by 90%.

• On the NFL Fan page, the discussion of last nights game peaks at Tony Kornheiser’s hair cut. http://www.tonycutyourhair.com/

Yeah, I am talking about the Horrible Jacksonville Jaguars. If you are wondering who those guys in the red tights were last night, running all over them...It was none other than Sage and the Houston Texans. 30-17, Texans.

Week Thirteen in the NFL Recap

One down two more to go. Looks like after Plaxico’s latest display of stupidity the Giants said “Screw this Pilgrims and Indians Thanksgiving stuff!” and showed no mercy to the Redskins of Washington. Thanksgiving was over and so was the time to play nice. The WORLD CHAMPION NY FOOTBALL GIANTS played as if Burress was already on the Dallas Cowgirl’s Roster of Criminals. The Redskins put “eight and nine men in the box,” but they were no match for Eli who threw his career high 239 yards in the first half and Derrick Ward who had a career high 75 yards receiving. 23-7, Giants.

Awwww, Come on! It's cute! He has 8 Redskins in the box! :)

What can I say about a game where the winning team has only 195 TOTAL yards? Marshawn Lynch had 134 yards rushing for Buffalo; that is only 60 yards less than the Niners had, total and only 35 yards less than Hill (Niner’s QB- its okay, I didn’t know who he was either) had passing. So how in the world did the Bills lose this game? Well, 4 of their trips to the Red Zone yielded a combined total of ZERO points. It didn’t help that Rian Lindell, missed TWO kicks and one from 20-yards out. See moms, that’s what happens when you try to give your kids girly names like Sage or cutesy spellings like R-I-A-N...they SUCK at football! Ryan is spelled with a “y.” Niners over Bills, 10-3.

The Niner’s lack of offensive yardage was nothing compared to the 155 yards racked up by Cincy, however the Bengals were the losing team. Unlike the Bills, the Baltimore Ravens took advantage of their opponent's complete lack of football skills and racked up 450 yards of offense, throwing in a touchdown pass by wide receiver, Mark Clayton for show. Willis McGahee was active but didn’t play. I am sure they were thinking one of two things, “Ahhh, we are playing the Bengals, just put anybody in...” or “Hey guys, wanna screw with some fantasy teams?” Either way, they didn’t need him. 34-3, Ravens. (Note: since getting spanked by the Giants, the Ravens now have the NUMBER TWO defense in the NFL as opposed to number one).


Marcus Colston had 106 yards receiving for the Saints....
Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Drew Brees had 3 interceptions and the running game wasn’t available for this game. Reggie Bush returned for 3 rushing attempts but broke even at 0 total yards. Garcia sucks, I don’t care if the Bucs are 9-3. Defense won this game for Tampa Bay, holding the Saints to 2.4 yard per carry. 23-20, Bucs.

Field goals and defense. What else is new in a game played by the Miami Dolphins? A win is a win but, my God are they boring! The most interesting part of the Miami-St. Louis game was betting how many more interceptions Marc Bulger could throw; I was disappointed to see him stop at 3, I thought he had a few more in him. There were 7 successful field goals in the game and the final score was 16-12, Miami, so if you didn’t watch it, you missed nothing.


Since we are already on the subject of boring. I am stripping Peyton Manning of all of his movie covers. He can keep doing commercials though, I wouldn’t deny myself those! He is hilarious! What isn’t funny, are his stats for Sunday’s game against the Browns. Peyton “the lesser” Manning was 15/21 for 125 yards, 0 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. Lucky for the NFL’s funny man, that’s all you need to beat the Brown’s these days. (Shut up! I know they beat the Giants.) By the way, Did anyone ever wonder what happened to Ken Dorsey? You know the University of Miami quarterback that was a Heisman candidate the same year as Larry Johnson, Willis McGahee, and Carson Palmer? Well, he plays..or sits, 4th string,for the Browns now. SUCKERS! He came in long enough to throw 3 incomplete passes and an interception. 10-6, Colts.

I am not sure where Green Bay didn’t catch on, but it is obvious that the Carolina Panthers have 2 plays. Option 1: Throw to Steve Smith, who had 60% of the total yards receiving. Option 2: Run DeAngelo Williams, who had 4 rushing touchdowns. It never occurred to the Green Bay defense to shut those two down and, hey, if it works, keep doing it. For that reason, despite dominating the clock and total yardage, the Packers lost to the Panthers 31-35.

Atlanta played a sloppy game with 3 turnovers, but it was enough for cute little Matt Ryan and the Falcons to beat the worst passing defense in the NFL, San Diego Chargers. Phillip Rivers had no touchdowns at home for the first time this season. It looked like Turner who used to sit the bench behind Tomlinson was taking some notes, and had 120 yards rushing against LT’s 24. Congrats to the Falcons, this week marks them winning twice as many games as they did last season.

Jay Cutler is a complicated man. Last week he got embarrassed by, none other then, the Oakland Raiders and this week, he’s 27/43 for 357 yards and 2 touchdowns. (He also had 1 interception but since he made Brett Favre cry, we will let it slide!) Yes, Brett Fav-ruh did complete one interception but no touch down passes...and the Broncos did trample the Bretts 34-17...but what would be the fun in beating the Jets without a few tears from our favorite NFL cry baby?

In Brett's defense, maybe his skirt was riding up or his legs were cold!

In case you were wondering, those were Aaron Rodgers's legs I used!

FIVE turnovers for New England lead the Steeler’s to an upset win, over the Patriots. The Steelers sacked Cassel five times and forced two fumbles. In Cassel’s defense, Moss dropped 2 possible touchdowns passes that hit him right in the numbers. Maybe it was the pressure of replacing Brady after 2 consecutive 400 plus yard games, or maybe the receivers couldn’t handle the weather, either way the Pats were 1 for 13 on 3rd down and the Steeler’s were ready for them. 33-10, Pittsburgh.

Kansas City played Oakland. 20-13, Chiefs.


Kyle Orton played terribly with 3 interceptions but not bad enough to see the return of Sexy Rexy. He did have 2 touchdown passes, but that was the beginning and the end of anything for the Bears. Adrian Peterson had 131 yards rushing, Bernard Berrian had 122 yards receiving and 4 different Vikings scored touchdowns, leading Minnesota over Chicago, 34-14.