“He’s Just Not That Into You…”

“Harsh words from the best-selling dating coaching book may set single women quarterback-less coaches free.”

Why won’t he call me? Why won’t he play for me?
Why doesn’t he want to go out with me? Why won’t he be my quarterback?
Why doesn’t he like me? (Well, that one is still applicable!)

(Yes, Jay Cutler has his very own 'Bat Phone!' That line goes directly to Jay Cutler.)

Why won’t Jay Cutler call you or play for you, McDaniels? Why doesn’t he want to stay in Denver with you as the head coach?

Well, maybe it is because you openly offered him up for trade, in hopes of obtaining Matt Cassel. (Jay Cutler doesn’t want the sloppy seconds of a desperate man!)

Maybe it is because he was promised that the coaching staff would remain the same even though the Broncos made the ridiculous choice to fire Shanahan and now he doesn’t even know anyone’s name! (You are a liar and a cheat, McDaniels!)

Maybe Jay Cutler is just tired of the Denver weather! (Jay Cutler has feelings too…cold!)

OR…


Maybe, He’s just not that into you!

Yeah, that's the book/movie that tells women (or in this case, coach) that if a man (QB) isn’t calling, you should stop making excuses because, in it’s title’s harsh words, chances are “He’s Just Not that Into You.”

What that book neglects to do is tell men (QBs), that before they get so cocky and think that women/coaches are waiting for their phone calls, they should probably consider that there are other men/players on the market and they just may not be the best one. Perhaps I should write a reply book called “Maybe You are Just too Into Yourself (Jay Cutler)!”: There are a million, nope, billion men out there and you are probably a heck of a lot luckier than you think! So take a look around before you start thinking someone is waiting for your call.

Yup, I mean you, Jay Cutler. You know I love you, but perhaps you should consider a few things.

Maybe, you really aren’t “all that!”: Since you have been on the team (for the third straight season) the Broncos have not made the playoffs! (Okay, maybe we can blame Plummer for some of that)

Maybe, there are better men out there: Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford had an excellent performance at his pro day and the Detroit Lions need picks! Which means, you might end up in Detroit! (Still cold, still sucks…only worse!)

Maybe, you are not that great of a catch (or pass): Your passer rating was an average of 85.

Maybe, you should appreciate how lucky you really are: I am not sure if that is worse then ending up in a trade for a some problem player and Brady “Nobody Picked Me” Quinn with the Browns. Cleveland…seriously?

Maybe, you are unreliable: Worse, you lost me 210K in my elimination pool when you lost to the KC CHIEFS and the OAKLAND RAIDERS!



Yeah, I still like you, (notice at the beginning of the post, I loved you), but I am a very loyal and understanding girl! What are you really worth, Jay Cutler?

But don't worry, I have no idea how they get your QB back rating, either...no one does! I am pretty sure it means...absolutely nothing!

Seriously though, stop crying because it is NOT cute! You don't wanna end up this season's Brett Favre!

PS. You can’t just leave Denver, what the **** (I’m not moving to Detroit!)

Signs of the Season

...and by 'season' I mean, football season, of course! What other season, is there?

Football fans have found countless means of expressing their team support. Some incessantly yell threats at the television, as if the fear of losing them as a fan, is the only thing that stands in the way of their team and a victory and when their flawless coaching calls of “What the h*ll were you thinking?” and “Run!!!” are magically heard through the glass barrier via ESP(N), their angry shouting becomes a one-man, never before seen on television, touchdown dance something like a drunken ‘butterfly’ with spirit fingers!

Some actually take their screaming to the game. My brother and I had seats at Giant Stadium in front of a man who insisted on yelling instruction to the team 5000 rows below us. And they were things that were so obviously vital to the teams performance like “Step on his face!” and “Spit in his eye!”

A special breed of fan, shows up early and paint their faces or even their bodies. While other, cold-climate fans, dress inappropriately for the game time weather and demonstrate their loyalty by sacrificing themselves to the threat of pneumonia or frostbite. (Oh no! If we don’t win that crazy girl with the skimpy bikini will have her ******s frozen off for nothing!)


But the most poetic and imaginative of fans, take marker to paper (or the inside of the bathroom stall at Giant Stadium)…


…And share their thoughts and witty banter with other fans, teams, announcers, and even the hearing impaired, by expressing whatever enthusiasm football raises within have within them through signage. Through adequate censoring, strategic sign placement and creativity some even get to share their expression with the at home viewers.

Some signs express discontent with the team’s performance…


...Others with their Quarterback.


Some signs state the obvious (perhaps he is talking to the bikini girl!)


Some explain stupid fans...


Others just point out stupid fans! (If they were SMART, they’d be Giants fans!)


Some are sympathetic to players.


Others, not so much!


Some express the arrival of the long awaited day when your team makes it to the Super Bowl


And few are a once in a lifetime opportunity to embarrass your prom date.


But when it comes to the ultimate signs, once again the passion displayed below the Saturday night lights, where this game, might be your last game to ridicule the opposing teams mascot, players or coach, displays the ultimate in sign making genius and punch-line resourcefulness.

Some signs play on words…


Others spell out words.


Some don’t need words.


Sometimes it isn’t about the words, but sign placement.


Some express thoughts of pleasure…


Others thoughts of pain.


A few border on inappropriate (I love how this guy brought a sign, but couldn’t find one piece of Alabama clothing to wear to the game!)


Some show inter-conference support…


While others show inter-conference rivalry (It says “Tebow helps 3rd World Countries, SEC schedules them!”)


Some poke fun at the quarterback…


Others at his mom!


Some signs ask for help…


Some signs sell the help.


Some signs are educational...


..and some signs are just mean.


Some signs express undying faith…


Others indifference…


And some of them attempt to rationalize the inability to play in a BCS Bowl.


But they all tell express the uniqueness of the fans, the passion of the game and the best of the season. Football Season.

'I'll get you, my pretty...' (G-men Free Agency and Trade Rumors)

"We’ve got Cowboys and Falcons and Seahawks…oh my!"


No Wizard in Oz or Eagle in Philly is going to want a piece of this Defense! The only time these guys are going to see any competition, is with each other!

The G-men have stacked their already stacked defense this week with 3 free agents. Chris Canty, Michael Boley and Rocky Bernard join the Giants D, already comprised of, Justin Tuck, Osi Umenyiora, Mathias Kiwanuka, Dave Tollefson, Fred Robbins, Barry Cofield and Jay Alford.

Do we really need that many men on Defense? Probably not. Far be it for me to question the genius, that is the New York Giants decision making team, but then why on Earth would we acquire so many players for the same unopen positions?

Well, perhaps it is because Osi’s coming back from a knee injury, which limited his 5 Hour energy shots (he did the commercials, remember?) to pacing the sidelines and we are unsure of his ability this season. Maybe it is because, in all honesty, I have no clue who Dave Tollefson is and that guys job is in jeopardy. (the new standard for whether you are making it in the NFL, should be whether I recognize your name or not. If don’t know who you are, don’t spend your last paycheck, quite yet!).



Eli, are you suggesting that these talented men are simply a pawn in our scheme to replace Plaxico with a receiver who is “lighter on his feet” (or just that one foot)?

Well, that is what the Giants are denying, and therefore most likely to be true.

Hoz…Houzma…Houzmen…Houshmemama……Houshmandzadeh. That’s right! I may need to brush up on my spelling of this ridiculously long last name, or maybe I will just call him T.J. because rumor has it, Mr. Houshmandzadeh (yeah, I am cutting and pasting that) wants to be a New York freakin’ Giant. Who knew a man who spent so much time with Ocho Cinco (there’s one I won’t misspell) could be so smart. All smart men want to be G-men! The real question is, do the Giants want you, T.J.?

I hear, the Giants really want, Michael Crabtree. He has a, corner end zone, grab like Plaxico, but without all the sirens and flashing lights. Just what my boy, Eli, needs!

The problem is, who doesn’t want Michael Crabtree?

“Out of bounds? Who needs out of bounds? I’ll just make this awesome grab in the corner with 8 seconds and run it in! “

Anyone who watches College Football, especially those tired of seeing that little number 1 next to the name Texas, has seen this first hand:


Now, we all know that the G-men gave a performance this past season, just riveting enough to keep them out of reach of a quality draft pick. So what are the Giants willing to give for the “best wide receiver in college football?”

Rumor in the Northeast is (and we all know, Yankees know best…kidding, as I alienate half of my audience) 3 picks! Yup, you heard me! THREE PICKS! This years first round, this years second round and next years first round.

I have to ask, with guys like Boldin and Houshmandzadeh out there, is he worth three picks? Maybe. But my concern is the Giants will force him the ball, even when he isn’t open, to get these 3 picks worth. When he doesn’t perform under those conditions, they will trade him away, only to see his stellar performance on another team. (Look at Shockey! Ok, you are right, bad example! )

UPDATE: T.J. Houzmenzadah (or whatever) is now a Seattle Seahawk. This stuff happens faster than I can type it. 5 years. $40 million. Not bad.

In other news, you can hang on to your 27 jerseys, Giants fans, but your 34’s are no good in New York. Brandon Jacobs has signed a 4 year, $25 million contract with the Giants, but Derrick Ward will be joining the Bucs for a measly 4 years worth $17 million (and thus the end of Earth, Wind and Fire).

Not so GIANTS news:

The Titans are inking a 2 year contract with my very favorite, Penn State alum, ex-NY Giant, alcoholic, quarterback Kerri Collins, worth 15 million and 8.5 million guaranteed. Not bad for a 36 year old man. That’s what happens when you finish the regular season, 13-3 with a first round bye in the play-offs, FAVRE!


There’s trouble brewing in Denver. I thought getting rid of Shanahan was a dumb move on the Broncos part, but can we all see it now? McDaniels and his peeps, put their quarter back and my favorite, elimination bowl blowing, QB on the trading block; only to lose the trade bid and the trust of his quarterback. Good freakin' luck! Jay Cutler lost to the Chiefs and the Raiders this season, to destroy my elimination bowl picks (Stoopid, Jay Cutler!) and I didn’t piss him off...actually I am pretty sure that he loooves me!

Who were the Broncos offering poor Jay Cutler (yup, I always refer to him by his full name) for? Mr. Matt Cassel, of course. We talked earlier in the season, during my “fantasy draft” about him being a ‘wanted man.’

It appears that the Chiefs wanted him most. Cassel will be playing for a comfortable 14 million for one year in Kansas City. The funny part? The headlines read, ‘Cassel ready to compete for Starting Job with Chiefs.” I am sorry, but who is he competing with? Are the chiefs having another “Quaterback for a Day” raffle? They had 2 wins last season, and one was against the Oakland Raiders (that doesn’t count!). So, I would say, Chief fans, it is safe to go ahead and pre-order your Cassel jerseys!

Still out there….
Ray Lewis and Kurt Warner. My guess, they aren’t going too far. Ravens and Cards, respectively.