Sounds like a celebrity children’s book, doesn’t it? “Shockey Goes to Rehab: Why Mommy won’t be home for a few months.”
This past weekend Jeremy Shockey showed party-goers that he handles his booze, like he handles a football…very poorly!
(Speaking of handles, what is that I see around your waist there, Shockster?)
Jeremy Shockey was found unconscious at Las Vegas club, Rehab, after drinking too much alcohol in the desert heat. (Fundamentals of Football: Gotta keep hydrated…guess you should’ve paid more attention at practice, mister!)
That this happened on a Sunday afternoon, doesn’t surprise me because I have always found Mr. Shockey’s decision making ability to be especially deficient on Sundays.
What does astound me is that, he was later released and said to be “in good shape.” To which my question must be, “in good shape for what?”
Unless he received liposuction, a hard core military-style workout and a miracle from God (or a complete body transplant) this man is certainly NOT in good shape for football season. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t appear to be fit for any competition that doesn’t involve him shoveling some sort of food product down his massive neck at an alarmingly rapid rate.
If it involves hot dogs and a stop watch, then yeah, he’s in good shape!
But, if he has to do anything more rigorous than a ‘right-hand-to-mouth’ action, I see an oxygen tank and possible coronary in his future.
I’m no doctor, but the only way I would use to describe that shape is “out of!”
Some NFLers have a habit of supporting the old argument that, ‘football players don’t earn college degrees but, skate by on their athletic abilities,’ with their constant display of stupidity.
(Although, sometimes I wonder, “how talented does a guy have to be to hide this level of dumb?”)
But it appears that Memorial Day Weekend had a 2-for-1 sale on stupid. One weekend, Two idiots. Idiot one: Well, you can’t spell idiot without T.O.
A frequent member of the Foot-In-The-Mouth club, Terrell Owens, has now taken to immortalizing his stupidity in written form, on Twitter. (Which I also think is stupid because I don’t care what anyone is doing 24 hours a day).
Anyway, T.O. posted this in response to a fan who wasn’t happy about him being cut from Dallas (whether T.O actually has fans or he posted this to himself has yet to be confirmed).
@terrellowens81: neither ws i, blame the OC & romo!! but i'm happy 2 b where i am but i miss the other guys tht were & r true teammates!!”
(Very creative with the screenname by the way!)
I guess we should all thank God for Twitter’s 140 character limit, but am I the only one who has a hard time picturing T.O. at a computer?
Hmmm… maybe he posted it from his phone.
Either way, his message was the same old “it aint my fault!”
**He reminds me of that old commercial, where they interview a player after a bad loss and he blames all his teammates, the coaches, the media… and when the reporter says “there is no ‘I’ in team.” He replies “yeah, well there aint no ‘we’ either.” **
(The above was more of an internal thought, which was followed by “what was that a commercial for? I wonder if I can find that?” Well, turns out it was a series of commercials and you can find them at the end of this post.)
In response to Owens, other NFLers also Tweeted. (Twittered?)
Tony Romo: @chokoROMO: cudnt hav been all d passes t.o. dropd. g’luck Bills. Ur prob now.
Trent Edwards: @imDbillsQB: @#$%^&!!!!!!
Plaxico Burress: @WutEvaHapn2Buress: Foot bettr. Got no team. les annoying thn TO. Call me. Wont shoot. Promis.
To be continued (with Idiot 2)…
For now, here are the T.O., I mean Leon commercials, as promised:
As much as I love being able post pictures of Brett Favre crying on any given week, when I am too lazy to Photo shop a Dallas Cowboy behind bars (they don’t release the real pictures) or an incredibly confused by the NFL, Donovan McNabb (doesn’t require much photoshopping), I want Brett, off my TV!
Brett Favre is a 40-year-old, brittle-boned man. His beard is grey. Ice cream bothers his sensitive teeth. (He is scared of an ice cream cone, See Sensodyne commercial). He cries like a hormonal pregnant woman… (See, Brett Favre, Throughout the Tears)
The Viking Fans have been quoted as saying “Sage Rosenfels can play better than a 40-year-old- Brett Favre out there.” Sage Rosenfels! He is a man, named Sage! (Do I need to remind you of the various, Sage is a stripper’s name posts of last season? See, What's in a Name: The Sissy Name Theory, Week Nine in the NFL, and Week Six in the NFL)
So why are Brett Favre and Brad Childress (Minnesota Viking’s Head Coach) sharing some quality time at Favre's Mississippi home? Maybe they are “fishin' them some catfish?” Or maybe Mr. Childress likes him some fried pickles and sweet potato pie? (I happened to like fried pickles, incase you were wondering). Doubt it, though.
Whether or not Childress was sharing wholesome southern cooking with Favre has yet to be determined, but his reason for being there is obvious…
Brett Favre doesn't want to be a Viking...he wants to stick it to the Green Bay Packers!
"JUDAS!!!!!!"
Have you forgotten that it was the Green Bay Packers that picked your skinny white butt off the Atlanta Falcon’s bench and gave you the opportunity of a lifetime? The Green Bay Packer’s taught us how to say Favre (Far-v ) and made it a household name that appeared in sentences with names like, Montana, Elway, Marino, Bradshaw, Tarkenton, Unitas, Graham, Baugh and Starr. (By the way, you know what those guys did, that you didn’t? RETIRE!) The Green Bay Packers made you the scandal-free, loveable, American quarterback, hated by no one, adored by the state of Wisconsin (not that much else is going on there) and idolized by children proud to wear the #4 jersey in green and gold. (A reputation, you single handedly destroyed with your first “unretirement”).
So why are you so ungrateful, Judas? Is it the bitter taste that, being defeated by the QB you replaced, left in you mouth? (Go Pennington!) Do you blame Green Bay for that? Do you blame the Packers for honoring the commitment they made to Aaron Rodgers, the player who patiently sat in your shadow, after you had said you were leaving the team? The Packers wouldn’t go back on their word and you got stuck playing for the Jets, where the only thing you succeeding in doing was making “unretire” a commonly used word and annoying football fans every where with your incessant crying. You went from the classic American QB to the player who just won’t go away!
GET OFF MY TV!
The Packers have moved on...and so should you, Fav-ruh!
Interesting Fact: My mother called while I was photoshopping and asked what I was doing. When I casually said, "Just turning Brett Favre into Judas..." she thought nothing of it.
So, for good measure and hoping to keep Favre OUT OF THE NFL, FOR GOOD, here is that song we all love, once again:
