Week 10: The Night the Lights Went Out in Jersey (@#$%!)

Sooooo, I guess the Cowgirls were still a little upset about that whole, knocking Tony Romo out for the season thing…

The word was out that Dallas had a bounty on Eli Manning’s head (not cool, by the way!). The classy establishment, once known for having a roster filled with criminals, wanted to take Eli out of the game. Surprised? Not really. What did surprise me, was that they didn’t have to because Eli never got in the game.

I wouldn’t attribute the loss to a superior Dallas offense or a stacked Dallas defense because let’s face it…those things aren’t in existence. The Giants were just terrible. Mistakes. Mistakes. Mistakes. Nix broke his pattern, Boss dropped easy catches, and I am pretty sure the defense took a nap the first half. And here is a hint, 3rd and long… don’t run Bradshaw or anyone else for that matter (Fire Coughlin, hire me!).

Luckily, I couldn’t watch this tragedy because I was on a long car ride back from a wedding in North Carolina (yes, some people do get married during football season). But apparently some others couldn’t take it because amidst all the ridiculous play calling someone turned out the lights. That is exactly what we want to see in a new $1.6 billion stadium. There was some concern that fights might break out in the darkened section of the Meadowlands, but stadium security reports “the number of fights which broke out were no greater than that which occurs during a regular Giants-Dallas game.” Good to know.

Needless to say, it was a terrible weekend to be a Giant fan (especially one who refers to Dallas as the Cowgirls on a regular basis and recently suggested their fans go into hiding).

At least the Giants showed up in the second half to make the score a more respectable 33-20, which is more than I can say for the Redskins, who lost 59-28 to the Eagles.

The Redskins were 0-10 on 3rd down conversions and McNabb threw 3 interceptions. Down by a billion, the Redskins just wanted it to be over and punted instead of going for it on 4th down. Sounds like it is time to sign McNabb to an extended contract!

That is exactly what the Redskins did. 5-year contract worth 78 million dollars for the washed up, ‘I put the chunky’ in chunky Soup quarterback. But that was the least of the “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME MOMENTS.”

What could beat that?

Well, Eagle’s fans chanting Vick for MVP. Seriously? He has a great game, but let’s wait to see if you make the playoffs before we start passing out ballots, huh?
But the number one, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME MOMENT belongs to DeShaun Jackson who said “we were like a bunch of pitbulls ready to get out of the cage.” He is aware of Vick’s convictions for dog fighting and animal cruelty and that those animals were pitbulls, right?

I understand that Eagle’s fans have no problem selling their souls to an incredibly sick man for a win, but it may be a little too soon for the rest of us Jackson.
Yeah, yeah, I get it. He is fast, so Eagle’s fans think he has paid his debt to society and deserves a chance to play football, but they’d be “barking” other things if he were playing for Dallas. And until someone slams his head on concrete, electrocutes him and drowns him in a pool, like he did to those poor animals, I don’t think he has paid for anything.

But that has nothing to do with football, so moving on, has anyone seen Rex Grossman??
The Vikings lost to the Chicago Bears, 27-13 and Favre with his leg, shoulder, ankle, heel and ego injuries) is actually losing his mind. Apparently he is freaking out other players and has even made Brian Urlacher pity him…and he did it without sending him a picture of his “wee-wee.”



After the game, Favre pulled Urlacher aside to chat. When asked about it Urlacher said, "It wasn't sweet nothings; I don't know, it was weird. He was upset; it was probably his last game at Soldier Field for sure. He wasn't himself. He seemed down in the dumps. I felt bad for him. Usually, even after you lose, you've still got the rest of the season. But he seemed like he was out of it. Like I said, I feel bad for the guy."

It’s okay Brian, just be glad he didn’t text you!

Week 9: DALLAS SUCKS

The Cowgirls are terrible. I mean, really, just terrible. There is almost nothing funny about it. Dallas fans continue to whine about losing Romo and claiming, “It is because we lost Romo. It isn’t easy to win without your quarterback. “

NEWSFLASH DALLAS FANS: You just got your butts kicked, 45-7 by the Green Bay Packers. Sure, the Packers are on a roll this season, but 45-7? Seriously? And you think it is all because you lost Romo? Come on! How many positions did he play? Where’s the defense? What is their excuse? Romo has nothing to do with the Defense. Are they sad because Romo isn’t playing, so they aren’t going to play either?

I hate to tell you this… (Who am I kidding? I love it! )…but it isn’t just Romo, Dallas Sucks! The Cowgirls lost Romo in Week Six against the Giants and they were already 1-4. Losing Romo made things worse, I am sure, but Dallas has sucked since week one. Ask Jerry Jones!

Jerry Jones said he couldn’t believe Dallas was 1-7 PRIOR to their loss to the Packers, which made them 1-7. He counted the loss before his team even took the field. So he knew they were going to lose, but perhaps he thought they’d do better than 45-7 because after the game he said that, “someone would pay.” And before they could get out of Green Bay, Wade Phillips was fired.

I wonder if they even let him ride home?



I guess Jerry Jones has some good in him after all because if he REALLY wanted to make Wade Phillips suffer, he would have made him coach the rest of the season.

Two things, you definitely won’t see every year, happened this week.

This first. Well, I can guarantee you won’t see a 300lb man attempts an NFL field goal very often. With the Lions kicker injured, they moved on to the next best thing- they had defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh, kick an extra point. He missed it, but it was actually kinda cute. It was like watching the Pillsbury Dough Boy try to lift his pudgy little leg passed his soft squishy middle.

Really, the Lions went with him because apparently, he can kick. He actually kicks during practice and won a kicking competition in training camp when he booted a 30-yard field goal. (If he can make a 30 yard field goal, I’ll trade you Lawrence Tynes!)

The Jets won that game in overtime 23-20. Up by 3 with a little over a minute to go, the Lions called a pass play. The incomplete pass, stopped the clock and gave the ball back to the Jets with time for a field goal., to go into OT. Only the Lions! I’m pretty sure they are already playing for a good draft pick.

The other thing you don’t see, every day. The Cleveland Browns beat the New England Patriots, 34-14 and celebrated by drenching their coach in Gatorade. Okay, I guess that is a lot of things you don’t see often. The Browns beating the Patriots, the Browns winning at all and the Browns coach getting drenched in Gatorade (unless it is being thrown at him). So which one am I talking about? Gatorade. The Browns are 3-5. It is not everyday that you will see a team at 3-5 celebrating by pouring Gatorade over their coach. You have lost more games than you won, sometimes I forget that you are a team all together, and you wear those ugly brownish-orange uniforms, but hey, you beat the Patriots! I guess if it weren’t for small victories, they wouldn’t have any. So, CONGRATS CLEVELAND!

But wait, that isn’t the craziest part. There is always more. After the game, Browns coach, Eric Mangini, gave a speech. He said, “I feel like I am that movie Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, you get New England this week and the Jets next week. It’s special.” Huh? Wait! I guess I get it, that movie is about a guy who “screwed” a bunch of girls who are now coming back to haunt him. Not as movie most guys would admit to watching. I am pretty sure the moral of the story was that Matthew McConaughey was a bad person who needed to change his ways and you totally lost me on the “it’s special” part, but then again, I am not the “Man-genius.”

The Vikings (in purple pants!) beat the Arizona Cardinals, 27-24 and Favre ran off the field holding up a number one. Seriously, what is with these 3-5 teams? It was the Arizona Cardinals. Is one win against any team really enough for Gatorade showers and thinking you are number one, these days? Yes Favre, if the two teams in front of you should disappear and be unable to perform their duties of kicking your butt, then you will be number one...in your DIVISION!


Anyway, the Vikings achieved this win without Randy Moss, who is still jobless, and they didn’t let you keep those all purple uniforms, Randy. You could get a job as a Fruit of the Loom grape.


The Giants took pity on the Seahawks this week. They beat them 41-7, but left their quarterback in tact. Perhaps it has something to do with the REAL Steve Smith’s relationship with his old USC coach, Pete Caroll.

Don’t worry Seattle, you still have the nicest shirts in the NFL. I love the green gloves. (How much can you really say about bearing the Seahawks?)

Week Nine: Ilegal Use of a Stretcher

Let’s start with the illegal use of a stretcher. I never want to see anyone get seriously hurt. Ok…occasionally, I may have wished McNabb would trip and break an ankle during a bird dance but, nothing serious or fatal. But come on, no one can seriously tell me they still want to turn on their television and see Brett Favre.

I don’t want the guy to die or get seriously injured. That isn’t necessary, the guy like 200 years old in football years. I was thinking something simple, quick and with only a moderate amount of pain (come on, the guy has retired and unretired so many times he deserves a little twinge of something). Soooo, I may of gotten tired of seeing Favre fake an injury every week just to get out of practice. (Notice how his ankle wasn’t in good enough shape for practice all week, but was miraculously cured for the game???)…and I may have wished a real injury upon him. However, I should have been more specific when I said I wanted to see Favre carted off in a stretcher, but who would have thought…

They pull out the stretcher….I see blood…he’s gonna cry…I know it! Here it comes… He was carted off, in what looked like some serious agony. While he was gone, we sat contemplating, “Is it a broken jaw? He can’t play with a broken jaw. With his jaw wired shut, he won’t be able to change the coach’s call at the line. They won’t know when to hike the ball…I bet he broke his jaw…he won’t even be able to give a press conference! We won’t have to hear him all season!”


A CHIN LACERATION? Seriously? Since when does a chin laceration require a stretcher? A band-aid, of course! Some stitches, probably. But a stretcher? The guy cut his chin! HE CAN WALK! Meanwhile, after the game he was already running his mouth about how he expects to play next week. All of the excitement and we were only Favre free for an hour?

I guess it is better to be safe than sorry when it comes to the elderly, but seriously? A stretcher? If I had a yellow flag, I’d be all over those over reacting, Favre toters for creating a false sense of Favre silence.

Needless to say, the Vikings lost to the Patriots, 18-28 and Randy Moss knows why. Apparently, Moss told his coach what kind of game the Patriots were going to play and Childress opted not to listen. Childress’s answer was “I listened to him, but that was just his opinion about what was going to happen.”

Hmm…. I don’t even know what to think of that. Did Childress think that he knew more about the Pats than Moss? Whatever his alternate plan was…it didn’t work. Then again, I am sure the Patriots plan has changed since trading Moss. What did Moss tell the Vikings?

“I know what they are going to do coach! New England likes to throw deep in the corner…to me!”

Moss’s displeasure didn’t stop at Childress, in his post game interview he shared his feelings with the media. After being fined $25K for refusing to talk to the press after a game, he said he wouldn’t be talking to the media for the rest of the season. Which won’t really be a problem now, since he was placed on the waiver list immediately after his commentary and now has no game to play in. However, the most comical part of his announcement was this.

“From now on if I’m gonna to give an interview its gonna be done by me. I’m gonna acks me da questions and Imma give ya’ll the answers.”
I can see it now.



I’m sure the press will be fighting to get a hold of those interviews.
I don’t think Randy will be homeless for long though. There has been talk of the Dolphins, Rams and even the Jets.

The Jets. Haha. The Jets who got shut out in a 9-0 loss to the Packers this week. I guess they are still waiting on the “Sanchise” to kick in. I wouldn’t hold me breath guys! Actually, on second thought…go ahead. Hold you breath! It isn’t like they have their own stadium to worry about if their team should disappear.

Giants and Eagles were on a BYE this week, but it was still a great week for Giants (and Eagles) football.

The Dallas Cowgirls suffered a 35-17 loss to the Jags. Kitna threw four interceptions. Bad news for Dallas, Romo will be out for at least 6 more losses…I mean weeks. Although, the Cowgirls franchise doesn’t feel that will be too late claiming, “He will be back in time for the Super Bowl.” When?? What Super Bowl is that? 2025?????

I guess, however delusional that statement may have been, at least they stand behind their team...haha..okay, no. That statement was just crazy!!! But Jerry Jones may be a little less crazy (you won’t hear that often). He struggled through a stuttered speech about his disappointment in the team's 1-6 record. He said he never would have predicted this record at the beginning of the season. Of course, you didn’t Jerry. You used to be one of those crazies who thought they were going to the Super Bowl.

Speaking of teams not going to the Super Bowl. It looks like McNabb, despite his new team, will continue to say “there is always next season.” The Redskins lost on Sunday, 25-37. Give them a break, though…they were playing the DETROIT LIONS!

The Redskins benched McNabb for the final two possessions. Mike Shanahan said McNabb didn’t have the "cardiovascular endurance" for a 2-minute offense. Yup, that’s right, McNabb…he just called you FAT! (Too much Chunky Soup?)

Considering McNabb is old, balding and looking a little flabby, this may not have been such an outrageous decision, IF he weren’t replaced with REX GROSSMAN! How out of shape do you have to be to get benched for Sexy Rexy? I would think he’d have to be, at least, 100lbs overweight, winded, limping and maybe even suffering from a life threatening chin laceration to make Grossman seem like a good option. When was the last time Rex threw a ball? Did anyone know he was still in the league?

Than again, remember the last time McNabb played under pressure??


Well, the decision paid off…FOR THE LIONS! Rex stepped in an did what we all (except Shanahan) knew he would do. He dropped the ball…literally. Good call.