Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Now, That's What I Would Call News!

Yesterday, I was reading the USA Today Sports Page when I came across this bit of news about Santonio Holmes...

(I took the liberty of highlighting it for you because I didn't have to change a thing...this is really what the page said. )



Who knew?! Must make for some awkward showers in Pittsburgh!

Cover up, boys!

Friday, June 5, 2009

FREE PLAX!

"With 10 days to go before a critical appearance in Manhattan criminal court, the attorney for Plaxico Burress is feverishly working behind the scenes to find a negotiated settlement that would allow Burress to play football in 2009 -- either by reaching a plea deal with minimal jail time or by postponing a possible trial until after the 2009 NFL season with the hopes of playing this fall, a source with knowledge of the case said Friday."

Seriously? I am tired of hearing about the possibility of Plax doing jail time and it isn’t because he was a New York Football Giant, either.

Aren’t we being a little harsh on the guy? (I even saw one cite compare him to O.J. Simpson!) If stupidity were a crime, he should serve a life sentence. (Then again, the world would be an entirely different...and empty…place) But what did Burress really do?

I know. I know. He was carrying a concealed weapon without a permit and that is a crime. But hasn’t he been punished enough?

Come on! He shot himself in the foot! (Literally and figuratively.) Not only did he get shot, but he did it to himself…by accident!

Not only does he look like a fool and have a throbbing, painful limp but the four-game suspension cost Burress $823,529 in lost wages. He was also fined an additional $205,882 (or ONE WEEKS SALARY!) and being dropped by the G-men cost Burress as much as $27 million and his job!

I think he has paid for his crime. Spank the boy and send him on his way!



And don’t give me that “if he wasn’t an NFL player he wouldn’t be getting special treatment” b-o-l-o-g-n-a! Don’t kid yourself; the District Attorney enters plea agreements for much bigger crimes, every...single...day (you just don’t hear about them on ESPN)!

If Plax serves jail time, it is because he didn’t hire me as his attorney. (Do you think they are going to find a panel of jurors in New York, that aren’t Giant fans?) I already have my entire case prepared.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecutor wants you to believe that Plaxico Burress is a criminal, who thinks he doesn’t have to abide by the law because he plays football. But I would like to remind you, who Plaxico Burress really is to New York…(hit the video)"



"…And the Defense rests."

Watching that, I get nervous all over again; biting my nails as Tyree struggles to pull the ball against his helmet; thinking it is all over when Eli gets pulled down by his jersey and then breaks free. My heart races as the clock runs down and my G-men make their way down field. I hold my breath as Manning releases that final pass, my excitement builds watching it float through the air toward the end zone... one last play, one last pass, one last chance to end a perfect season and be the WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK GIANTS...then I jump up and cheer, in pure euphoria as Plaxico makes the final catch in the most amazing drive in Super Bowl history! The joy of the best 2 minutes and 7 seconds of my life comes flooding back! My heart fills with pride and Plaxico Burress is my hero, once again! There won't be a dry eye in the house!

NOT GUILTY!




PS. This guy might be taking it a little to hard...

Monday, June 1, 2009

“Fantasy” Football Potential Draftee #6: Mark Sanchez



Mark Sanchez
NFL TEAM: New York Jets
POSITION: (I cry less than Brett Fav-ruh at) Quarterback
AGE: 22
HEIGHT: 6'2"
WEIGHT: 227 lbs

Mark Sanchez opted for an early departure from USC and (unfortunately for him) was drafted by the Jets. He was red-shirted his freshman year and lost the QB-1 position the next season to John David Booty, but took over when Booty needed back surgery. A bonus interesting(-ish) fact, in high school, Sanchez served as ball boy for Carson Palmer (See, Bengals suck). But perhaps his biggest honor…Mark is the very first player to be drafted (by me) without playing a single day in the NFL. He is also, the youngest player (and given that he has made me feel really old, will be the last rookie) that I have ever drafted.



While I don’t find Mark to be particularly attractive, he certainly isn’t unattractive (and neither are his abs or his arms...) and his spread in GQ has pointed out the finer qualities in this newest NFLer, who is playing Baywatch with Hilary Rhoda.



Funny guy, Sanchez, joked when he was sent to purgatory, by USC fans, after his controversial announcement that he'd be heading to the NFL a year early, “UCLA and Notre Dame fans are the new Mark Sanchez fans.”

However, it appears that the joke is now on him. The hardest part about being in the NFL so far, is that his new Jets teammates won’t stop teasing him about wearing his formfitting “short shorts” in front of the pretty girl. :P




Mark wasn’t worried about the shoots taunting potential when he was posing with Hilary. “Yeah, she’s, uh…Well, obviously she’s gorgeous.” “She was just giving me pointers the whole time. “ (I wonder if the Jets fond that comment as funny as I did. Go ahead, I’ll give you a second…) :o


So, what is the downside to the new addition of muscle to the NFL? Well, I don’t know too much about Mark’s football ability, but my prediction is, that if you take the pretty boy out of the USC sunshine and the Trojan QB out of the Pac-Ten’s, cupcake schedule, you’ve got…Matt Leinart.



Ex-Trojans look a lot prettier on the side lines than they do on the field.



White jeans, Mark? Seriously? I hope your on field decisions are better than that!





















Yes, I know that he beat Penn State in the Rose Bowl, but that is one of those facts that I only acknowledge in a really small, hidden footnote, in order to minimize its importance and the damage it does to my overall argument. :P