Week Nine Eight in the NFL Recap

I know its almost Week 10 Week 9. My latest post ever! (Its been a bad week).

Where should we start? How about them NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS!? (Did I mention they are Defending World Champs?)

New York Giants defense defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 21 to14. Oversized, I mean, Big Ben was under constant pressure. Kiwanuka alone had three sacks and a forced fumble and Kenny Phillips picked off Roethlisberger's final pass to end the game. Eli went untouched with the protection of his O-line and they all played like one big happy family. (Unfortunately, Eli’s big happy family, didn’t include Peyton this time...see MNF).

The Raven’s gave us a lesson in, How To Run a Trick Play:
The best place to test your trick play is probably against the Oakland Raiders, (unless you have Detroit or Cincy on your schedule. In that case, use one of those games to put on a magic show of trick plays...no one will even notice). Anyway, Joe Flacco took a snap, handed the ball off to backup QB Troy Smith, who then passed it back to Flacco, who ran down the left sideline for a 43-yard gain. The only way that could be cooler, is if it ended in 6 instead of 3. Ravens settled for a field goal on that play, but still defeated the Raiders, 29-10.

Perhaps the Raven’s inspired, the Cardinals to try a trick play, only less successful. No Huddle, Shotgun to J.Arrington resulted on an incomplete pass to Boldin. Their entire game was also less successful than the Raven’s, Steve Smith had 5 carries for 117 yards, Jake Delhomme was 20/28 with 2 TD’s and the Panthers beat the Cards despite Warner’s 381 yards passing and Fitzgerald’s 115 yards rushing. Final score, 27-23.

Statistically, the Bucs out played the Cowgirls. They had 267 yards to Dallas’s 172. Garcia threw for 227 over Johnson’s (the old guy who plays where Tony Romo goes) 172. But if you are going to do all that work, you have got to deliver! Neither team delivered anything in this game, but the Bucs delivered even less than the Cowgirls. The biggest and only entertaining play of the game came from a Punter. The Dallas punter wasn’t even the last line of defense against the Bucs return man who was running back the punt. But as Clifton Smith ran through the line, instead of sliding under his feet to trip the runner, in usual punter fashion, Dallas Punter, Paulescu, nailed Smith at midfield and walked off as if he does it everyday. Dallas over Tampa Bay, 9-13. http://www.nfl.com/videos?videoId=09000d5d80bf57d1

My Survivor Pick was almost lost, when I once again, foolishly bet on the Washington Redskins. Luckily, the ‘Skins defeated the Lions, but only because it was the Lions. Detroit lead Washington nearly half of the game, but in true Detroit Lion’s fashion and with the grace of Santana Moss, the lead was gone and the ‘Skins beat the Lions, 25-17.

Speaking of losing...the NFL was forced to say goodbye after a great loss this past week. After hearing that Carson Palmer would not return for the 2008 Season after surgery, the Bengals said goodbye to their already winless season. The season was never really alive (0-8) but there always remained some glitter of hope that like the Dolphins of 2007, they might just pull through long enough for one single, little win. That hope is gone now. It will be remembered only by the stone placed in the end zone by those left behind by Palmer and the touching words of the Cincinnati Enquirer’s Obituary.




Unfortunately for Cincy, they do not play the Detroit Lions (see obit) but perhaps they can get a pick-up game going, after the regular season. By the way, Houston over Cincy, 35-6.


Just when I thought the Buffalo had clinched their division, since there were no other contenders, the Miami Dolphins traded in the “wildcat offense” for something with wings. Chad Pennington and the Miami Dolphins aired out their offense with a passing game to beat the Bills, 16-25.

The St. Louis Rams are back to losing. I didn’t watch the game to be honest. However, New England beat St. Louis, 16-23. Maybe Cassel is getting more comfortable with his position, now that rumors that Brady and the Pats have trouble in Paradise. Feels more like home now, doesn’t it, Matt?

Looks like someone peed in Phillip Rivers’ English Tea. Maybe Drew Brees and the Saints ruined Rivers’ tea party when they beat the Chargers 32-37, in England. I am sure the Chargers, who chose to go with Rivers over Brees were eating crumpets of regret, as Drew Brees for 339 yards and three touchdowns. Saints enjoyed a win, Brees enjoyed revenge over his former team and a cranky Rivers had tea with a lucky fan.




Guess who threw three interceptions?? Brett Fav-ruh did! (But lucky for him he was playing KC.) That makes 11 total going into week 9. Hmmmm….Kharma, Mr. Fav-ruh? It was a close game, 24-28 with the Jets coming out over Chiefs.

Philadelphia over Atlanta, 27-14. Matt Ryan showed his green side when he got picked off in the end zone and a blown call by the referees went unchallenged by the timeout-less Falcons, leading the Eagles to a lucky win. If they played it again, I would still pick the Falcons.

Seneca Wallace was all “2’s” with 222 yards and 2 touch downs. Unfortunately, the last 2 is the number of wins the Seahawks have. This win wasn’t a big won because it was over the ‘9ers and it was overshadowed by Mike Singletary’s anger at Davis’ who after smacking an opponent in the helmet and receiving an unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty, shrugged it off. Singletary didn’t and if you didn’t see the video of his irate ramblings, google it. 34-14, final.

MNF:
The Titans remain undefeated and Peyton is still the lesser brother. What has happened to Peyton Manning? Well, a friend of mine put is best when he said, “it doesn’t matter how good he is, he can’t throw passes from lat on his back.” Where is the offensive line, Indy? Colts D forced a passing game on the Titans who have been “running” all over their opponents all season, but the Tennessee still managed 3 rushing TDs. Constantly under pressure; Manning threw 2 interceptions and still scored every TD for Indy. Throwing for 2 and rushing one in himself. He’s going to need a little help out there, Colts.

Where in the World is "Pacman" Jones?

In case you missed Mr. Jones this week, or were wondering where he was during Sundays brutal beating of the Cowgirls by the St. Louis Rams...
Pacman is suspended for a minimum of four games. When, despite a 24 hour babysitting detail, provided by the Cowboys, for Jones, he got into a “scuffle” with one of his babysitters...er... security guards. Even though GM, Jerry Jones, brushed off of the incident, Adam was suspended indefinitely by the NFL for, again, violating the league’s personal-conduct policy. The suspension will last a minimum of four games, without pay...


However, after hearing Goodall’s comments on the matter, Jerry Jones didn’t seem to sure about Pacman’s future with the Cowgirls.
“Adam was on a very narrow window of behavior coming into the NFL, more so than any player we’ve had on the Cowboys. He did not stay within that narrow range. I regret that it didn’t work for Adam and work for the Cowboys.”
It doesn’ t appear that changing his name back to Adam is going to work for him this time.




Commissioner Goodall also seems fed up with Pacman’s inability to follow the rules.
“Obviously, something is not going correctly — we just reinstated him six weeks ago. Either he’s not getting the message, I’m not communicating it properly, or he has some other issues going on that we would like to understand better.” Goodall said.

So, is Adam “Pacman” Jones, heeding the warnings that are, so obviously, contained in the words of those who sign his paycheck? Where in the world is Pacman Jones, during this four game (and possibly indefinite) suspension?

Is he....

A. Working out in his front yard with T.O.



B. Working on a new video game, where Pacman avoids the police as he gobbles up dollars before the strippers can get to them.


C. Working on his new book; an autobiography and self-help guide.
Adam “Pacman” Jones: Football, Fighting and Felonies.


D. None of the above.

While, at first glance all of the above may seem like viable answers, there is really only one possible answer.
'A' can’t be the answer because while we all know that a public scene with Terrell Owens is the inevitable moment we have all been waiting for since, Jones was picked up by the Cowboys, 'A' implies that he actually cares about things like, staying in shape and his on-field performance.

'B' seems like something he would definitely come up with, but something like developing a video game would actually require backing by a video game distributor/developer and I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen any Pacman Jones endorsements lately and I doubt his phone is ringing with offers.

‘C’ is probably the most obvious wrong answer. We all know that the Cowgirl’s don’t read or write. If they did, they would know that their contracts contain a “no play, no pay” clause, which means if they get arrested and can’t play...they aren’t getting paid.

So the only possible answer is D. None of the above.

I know, I know...so, where in the world is Pacman Jones?? Well, we all know that no one wants NFL players to actually have to take blame for their own actions and Adam has already blamed an innocent video game character; Jerry Jones blamed the body guard and Adam's entourage took the hit for the strip club shooting...
So who are they going to blame this time? Alcohol.

Adam Pacman Jones has checked into an alcohol rehabilitation facility in some other part of the country(guess that rules out Texas). It wasn't Adam's fault, it was the alcohol, right?
Call him a pain in the a**, a criminal, a deviant, but do not call him stupid. In one single move, Adam Jones went from being an, out-of-control, rule breaking, nuisance to the NFL on the verge of being suspended indefinitely from the league to a commiserating alcoholic, victimized by the afflictions of a burdensome disease he cannot control. Puh-lease! Are we not forgetting the real victim here?




BONUS: In case you were wondering where Adam Jones got the nick name "Pacman," perhaps the following chart will help answer.

LOOK FAMILIAR????

MIA is MIA

Oops! Looks like I overlooked the Miami Baltimore game in yesterday's post. While Chad Pennington's Chad Pennington's career completion percentage continues to rank best of all-time, the Dolphins' "Wildcat" offense was crushed by the Ravens. (Total of 71 yards rushing). The Raven's had a nice "pick-6" of poor Chadwick and won the game, 27-13. The Baltimore defense deserves a cookie for this game.

I have no pictures for this game. However, I can bestow some completely random knowledge up on you, if you like:
*Chad's name isn't really Chad, its James(his middle name is "Chadwick").
*Miami's only win last season was over the Baltimore Ravens.
*Since 1999 the Ravens have returned 26 interception for touchdowns (obviously a record).
*Dolphins are the only team to ever go undefeated. In 1972 they had a perfect season and unlike the Patriots, went on to win the Superbowl.
*For the first 2 years the Ravens logo featured raven wings on a shield with the letter "B". However, the US Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals affirmed a jury verdict that the logo infringed on the copyright in a logo drawing by Derek Zero, a Boston amateur architect and security guard. (here, I thought being an architect was lucrative...essentially, he was a security guard who drew pictures). Either way, Zero is now a millionaire, courtesy of the Baltimore Ravens.

Week Seven in the NFL

Due to a long road trip, I am still not on schedule. This week, I will be on top of things!

I know, last week I talked about the WORLD CHAMPION NY GIANTS last, when they lost, but I swear it was because it was MNF. I always talk about MNF last. Anyway…

My boy is back! I took the Giants in my single remaining elimination bowl pick and my “faith” in them paid off. I know they were only playing the 49ers; the team that last week, I said I couldn’t name a single player. But this week, I can name one….O’Sullivan. He is the ‘9ers quarterback and also happens to be the man that Michael Johnson (undrafted, second year safety for the W.C. NY GIANTS) picked off twice.
I was glad to see the Giants win, but I don’t want to give Eli too much credit. This was a win by the defense; a safety, six sacks, 3 turnovers. Good game, D! Giants over those guys in red and gold, 29-17.
(Eli, I expect more from you next week against the Steelers. )

Speaking of Steelers. The Giants get no preview of what is to come next week, because the Steelers didn’t have to play this week. Nope, they weren’t on a bye…almost the same thing though, they were playing the Bengals. Dare I say, I may have mis-spoken, when I called the St. Louis Rams the worst ream in the league. Who would have thought with all that self-serving banter from Ocho Cinco, that his team would be winless going into week 8?

I know what you are thinking? Who is that guy and why is he wearing the old Dallas uniform? Well, that guy is Brad Johnson and here is what you need to know about him:
1. He is the only NFL player to ever throw a touchdown pass to himself.
2. He was drafted in 1992 and carried the clip board for Warren Moon.
3. He has played for 4 teams in the NFL (and Minnesota twice).
4. He is 4 years older than the Steeler’s head coach.
5. If the question is “who is older then Brett Fav-ruh?” This guy is raising his hand!
The last thing you need to know, is that this same guy played QB for the Dallas Cowgirls Sunday. (Yeah, I mean this past Sunday). Well, “playing” is an overstatement. He was 17 for 34 and threw interceptions. The Dallas Cowgirls lost to the St. Louis Rams; an embarrassing 31-14. (guess Dallas’s D didn’t show up either.) But, why didn’t Romo play? Well, he hurt his finger during last week’s game… “How did he hurt his finger?” Well, I am glad you asked. It actually happened during a commercial break, after Romo called a time out to help his, fundamentally challenged, simpleton girlfriend...




Of course to cover for the already dismantling Cowgirls, they blamed the poor Cards. But look at the bright side Tony, how you have 4 weeks to teach Jess to tie her shoes and you will have so much time to listen to her wonderful, nasal, forced southern twang as she pretends to be “just another Southern girl...” Come on, is there any wonder why Tony spent the week throwing passes past Coach Phillips and begging to play with a broken pinky?


The other geriatric Quarterback, reminded us that “time to retire” comes before 40 years old. The Raiders ended a 4 game losing streak, when Brett Fav-ruh’s 2 interceptions leads to an incredibly boring 13-16 victory for the Raiders over the Jets. I am pretty sure even the coaches took a nap, while the only thing that happened was a longest field goal contest. Jay Feely's 52-yard field goal with three seconds left in regulation tied the game. He actually missed his first attempt, but Raiders coach called timeout before the play started, probably because he had just realized the game was still going on, and the play was blown dead, which gave the Jets another chance. Dragging the game into overtime, where Janikowski (Raiders kicker. I know, no one knows the Raiders by name), said “Hey Feely! Take your 52 yarder and....” kicking a 57-yard field goal to finally put a, long awaited, end to a game that couldn’t have sucked anymore, if Cincy played in it!

Reggie Bush hurt his knee and the Carolina Panthers stomped all over the New Orleans Saints, like they were Tony Romo’s pinky! Final score, a shameful 30-7. I do not know when Bush will return, but he will not be drinking tea with the English next week, when the Saints to go London. Don’t worry, the English won’t notice. During last years “match” abroad between the Giants and the Dolphins, I saw someone wearing a Troy Aikman jersey (at least it wasn’t Michael Vick, right?).

Buffalo still maintains a surprising grip on the AFC East, at 5-1 with their latest victory over San Diego, 23-14. Then again, who else would contend for the division? The Brady-less Pats, The Miami Dolphins or the NY Bretts? Sounds like the Bills have this one clinched. Even more impressive though, the Bills and the Chargers played this game without electricity. Nope, it wasn’t a tribute to Brett Fav-ruh’s first NFL game (you know, since there was no electricity back then). The power went out when balloons hit an outside power line, and they played with no game clock...this small problem didn’t stop the referees from consistently calling delay of game. Perhaps it was the alternative form of timing used and the return of the self-absorbed Rivers, whose need to reassure himself of his importance, after being used as a bargaining chip to fulfill Eli Manning’s wishes, had him yelling at fans for booing him:




Minnesota v. Chicago was the complete opposite of the Jets/Raiders game, meaning that there was actually scoring going on. Despite four interception (one more than Eli last week) thrown by Minnesota, they managed to rack up 41 point against the Bears. Unfortunately for them, the Bears has 48. 48-41, Bears over Vikings.

Had I asked last week, “who is worse, Houston or Detroit?” Most people would have stared blankly at me as if I asked “Who is worse, Detroit or Cincy?” Well, lucky for us, the first of those two questions was answered this week. Houston proved that they are just the tiniest bit better than the Lions, when they won by a touchdown. 21-28, Texans. Leaving the Battle for Worst Team in NFL to be a tight race between the 0 and 6 Lions of Detroit and the ohhhhh and seven, Bengals of Cincinnati. Since the only way these two teams would meet this year would be at the Super Bowl, and we all know the only chance of that is in the stands, we will just have to watch intently as these teams continue to embarrass themselves against the rest of their respective conferences. My pick: Detroit is worse then Cincy.

Big Bro can’t blame the knee surgery after last week’s performance, so what happened Peyton? Interceptions at the one yard line? Looks like the ghost of Eli’s past took a trip to visit Big Brother Manning in Green Bay against the Packers. With a record setting 12 penalties for 110 yards, Colts lost to the Pack, 14-34.

Looks like Kansas City’s single win will remain over the Bronco’s choking performance to lose my Elimination Bowl pick. Despite KC’s attempt to remain consistently inconsistent and use three quarterbacks in a single game, the only thing their noncommittal QB situation lead to was another loss. Looks like the only thing the Chiefs are consistent at, is losing. As much as I enjoyed watching the confusion that ensues from the Chiefs decision to use the “Make a Wish Foundation” as a method of choosing a QB (“Hey kid! You ever wanna play QB for the Chiefs? Today is your lucky day, get in there!” ), I am a big fan of the passing game and Mr. Ex-Giant, Kerri Collins, only threw 18 passes to lead the undefeated Titans over the Chiefs, 34-10.
Perhaps the Chiefs thought, if they looked pathetic enough, Tennessee would give them one of their quarterbacks. After all, Vince Young is just sitting there.

Redskins continued to prove Strahan right in his comment that they weren’t meant to be front runners, when they barely passed the Browns, 11-14, after a wide right Brown’s field goal attempt. (Yeah, I know the Giants lost to the Browns, so what?)

I have to say, I never thought I would see Seattle in the running for second to the worst team in the NFL (actually 3rd, see Cincy and Detroit). Looks like the Seahawks may be desperate enough to take either Hasselbeck at this point. Senecca Wallace threw for a whopping 73 totals yards for Seattle this week. Despite wearing the prettiest jerseys in the NFL and their perfect use of bright green as an accent color, Seattle lost, yet again. This time to Tampa Bay and Jeff Garcia, who threw for 310 yards...apparently, side ways because they only scored 20 points. 20-10, Bucs.

MNF:
Looks like my favorite blue-eyes, Tom Brady back-up QB, heard what Jay Cutler did to me against KC and took it personally. Apparently he was tired of Boston’s incessant whining about “Tahm Brahdy) (said in that annoying Boston broad “A” accent) and he took it out on the Broncos. In fact, it appears the entire team was fed up, injuring an entire football family and taking out both brothers, Champ and Boss Bailey of the Broncos. Despite it being primarily a running game, Cassel can now say to his “Bahstahn” fans, “Shut up! you could have Jay Cutler!”

Week six in the NFL Recap (Say it isn't so!)

I know, you are all dying to see what I say about last night’s ridiculous performance, but you will just have to wait. Will I rip Eli apart, like I do other quarterbacks on their bad days or will I let him slide because he is the man at the helm of my World Champion NY GIANT heart? It is killing you, isn’t it? I will get to that. But first, Sunday...

The Atlanta Falcons celebrated a win over the Chicago Bears like they had just won the Super Bowl. Maybe it’s because they won the game on a 48 yard field goal, 22-20 or maybe it is because winning doesn’t come easy to the now 4-2 Falcons, but there were players hugging and lifting each other in a giant pile in the center of the field. I like to see players getting along, but I draw the line where I saw one player raise his arms in the air and point one finger on each hand in the air (no, not that one); the one you would use to say you are number one.I could see how they might think this is the end of the season, since this 4th win, tied their total wins for the entire last season. (no, not just in their division, but total). Baby Steps!! You have to learn to win in the regular season before you can play with the big boys.


I also want to congratulate the Houston Texans on their very first win! Before they know it, they will be catching up to the Falcons! Ok, ok, baby steps for them, too. Its obvious getting one win was busting their a**. I will let them bask in the glory of their single victory, after all, they tied the number of wins the team they beat had last year...total! Yup, that’s right, they beat the Dolphins. How did they do it? With Matt Schaub...he was sick in the hospital with IVs and the whole nine yards, but they would have checked him out themselves and made him play with a portable IV if they had to, after Sage’s performance last week. Matt felt no pressure I am sure, as there is no possibile performance worse than Mr. Rosenfels’s. Now that the Texans have won a game, I no longer feel I need to hold back on the Sage jokes.
Does no one else see anything wrong with a man named Sage? Perhaps his inability to perform is due to the fact that he is performing on the wrong stage. He is named after a spice! If Sage were Cinnamon....



I have to give you credit, big bro. The Colts played like the Giants have been playing and didn’t play last night. Colts over Ravens, 31-3 and it is due to Mannings flawless passing into double coverage for touchdowns. The defense had their help with Flacco throwing an interception, losing a fumble and handing off to no one, but Colts D deserves their credit for 4 sacks and holding the Ravens to ZERO first downs into the second quarter. What happened Mr. Manning, did ya feel your little brother clipping at your heels?

The Vikings just barely, and I stress barely, squeaked by the Detroit Lions and again, I saw a celebration of epic proportions, where a Viking put up the universal “we are number one sign.” What is going on? Guys! Hello? You beat a no win team, who is a contender for nothing, other than the worst team in the league. Now you think you are number one? Shall I point out that, had a referee not blown a pass interference call, you would have been out of field goal range and lost?
Come on! The Vikings should have taken their “win” and walked quietly off the field in hopes that no one would remember they almost lost to the Detroit Lions’ BACKUP! (Yeah guys! The guy that backs up Kitna!)
*These guys no that there are 16 weeks in the regular season, right?

Well I have good news and better news. I got a second chance at a survivor pool and this time I bought 2 picks. The better news, the Saints had something to prove after last week and sent the Raiders back to L.A. or Oakland or wherever they go where no one watches them play! An embarressing 34-3 win for the New Orleans Saints and loss for the Oakland Raiders.

HOWEVER, Welcome back Jay Cutler because Jason Campbell is the new Jay Cutler! STUPID JASON CAMPBELL! The Washington Redskins lost to the...St. Louis Rams. My shoe-in for the worst team in the league! Some guy named, Oshiomogho Atogwe, scored the Rams only touchdown to beat the ‘Skins, 19-17. I think Strahan put it best when he said “some teams just can’t handle being front runners!” That’s right Campbell, you cost me a Survivor pick, and you and your stupid Redskins can go and take a seat where you belong, quietly in the back shadows of the NFC EAST. The Eagles, Cowboys and Giants may not be undefeated but they did NOT lose to the Rams!

Whose turn was it to beat up on Cincy? The New York Jets. The Jets wore those ugly throwbacks again and they beat Cincy in a “no big deal game” 26-14. I am starting to wonder if the Jets dry cleaners are on strike because I have seen teams wear their throwbacks, once a season, in an effort to sell more jerseys, but the Jets have chosen this hideous attire more than once this, 6 week, season.

Tampa Bay and Carolina tie up their records at 4-2. The Panthers had three interceptions and a punt that was blocked and returned for a touchdown. Need I say more? Tampa Bay over Carolina, 27-3. I would make fun of Jake Delhomme’s three interceptions, but I can’t for obvious reasons. (If not obvious enough, See Giant game). I, suddenly, feel a deep sympathy for Carolina fans who had to sit and watch their QB throw away a chance to score, over and over and over. “It’s going to be okay, it’s just one game. Everyone is entitled to a bad game and they will be back on track next week.” (Or so I am told over and over as I pretend the Giants didn’t play last night.)

I thought about it, and I am willing to accept Jay Culter’s apology. His loss to Jacksonville was an obvious, “Please don’t hate me anymore, I can’t stand it. Look! I don’t only lose when you are betting on me. Take me back!” plea. So, Jay...it’s okay. I understand. Apparently, all QB’s have bad days (See Giants last night). Apparently, I am supposed to accept that not every game can be won and forgive, Eli. I mean you. After all, you only threw one interception last night...egh...Sunday.

Tony Romo continues his record streak for games with a fumble as the Cowboys purposely tried to lose to the Cardinals. There is no other explanation. Arizona kept a tight lead and on the last drive of regulation the Cowgirls were out of field goal range and down by 3. Read to go home, Arizona jumps offsides to place the Cowboys, barely within range of a 52-yard field goal which rolled over the cross bar to tie the game. (It took 2 tries. The first one was offset by a time out called before the snap by Arizona to ice the kicker.). The Cowgirls clearly upset that they didn’t lose, had their punt blocked in O.T. and returned for a Arizona TD. 24-30, final.

I almost forgot the most important part of that game. Tony Romo broke is finger and hopes to be back to play the Redskins. Yup, weeks from now!

GOOD NEWS: He will be back with plenty of time to choke in the playoffs.
BAD NEWS: He has to explain to Jessica Simpson why he can't just get a new finger.


Donovan McNabb threw 2 interceptions (one less than Eli) in the Eagles game against the 49ers. I can’t say I know why I still have to write about the 49ers. Even if one of them were to do something I love, like pick off McNabb, I wouldn’t even know his name. So in any even, two unnamed men wearing gold and red intercepted McNabb, but couldn’t do anything else to stop their 26-40 loss to the Eagles. Wait! I actually have something to say about the 49ers. Apparently, McNabb and Reid just passed the Montanna and Walsh combo for most wins. Joe Montana was a 49er!

Okay, Green Bay beat Seattle who was playing with a back up quarter back whose name will not be remembered and San Deigo beat New England. I didn’t watch. Sorry. But I can’t take this anymore....

THE FREAKIN GIANTS! What happened? Where was the “hand of God” last night? Eli, oh, Eli! It was like I was living a bad nightmare of your first three seasons in the NFL. The same stupid plays, the same bone head throws, the same blank expressions of “did I do that?”
The Cleveland Browns didn’t beat the Giants! The Giants beat the Giants. Eli was airing out passes to no one like he was Rex Grossman. Naturally, they were intercepted. Where was my Super Bowl Champion? Where was the guy who got angry at interceptions and shook off lineman to avoid sacks? Who was this head shaking, indifferent, rookie, I saw last night?
Are you mad at me for suggesting that I would ice Tony Romo’s hand for him? I was joking Eli. You know that you are my one and only true QB-1. I would never betray you, provided you never get traded to another team. When everyone was saying you hated football and that your daddy made you play or that your brother was the better Manning...I believed in you. When Giant Stadium was filled with T-shirts demanding Phillip Rivers back, I wore #10!So where were you when I needed you Eli? Where were you against the Browns?
They said that you didn’t have it in you, that you couldn’t win a Super Bowl. They said that you would never be as good as Peyton. I defended you. I told them to wait and see, that Eli Manning was a football god! I suffered with you threw seasons of Tiki saying you weren’t a leader and the press saying you didn’t care about winning. Until finally, there you were! A man! All grown up! Leading my team to the Super Bowl. You were yelling at receivers for missing catches. You were exerting authority. You were everything I wanted you to be.
But then last night, it all came back. You threw an interception and then looked down at your feet. You shook you head and walked off the field and returned only to do it again.
They called you OVERRATED! The stupid Browns with their Brady Quinn pity, called you OVERRATED! (Of course the Brown’s are completely ridiculous and rarely get to chant anything, so we give them what we can, as pathetic as they are. )
But you can’t let this happen. You had the Steve Smith connection all night but just couldn’t deliver. No, Eli! We have been through this! You won the Superbowl! You are a big boy now! You even grew "big boy" hair, remember?


But I was told that you are entitled to a bad game and after screaming at the tv, I decided...fine! We can get past this. We aren’t going to let the ghost of Eli’s past, haunt us into forcing passes. I have bad days...so can you. But from now on, have them in the off season.

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys

"I hope nobody sees me with these guys!"
What's Tony Romo hiding from? Maybe he doesn't want to be seen with the rest of the team!

“America’s Team” doubles as America’s Most Wanted! If the Dallas Cowboys are in town, you should be afraid. Very, very afraid (and not of their football skills)!

IMMEDIATE JOB OPENING: BODYGUARD TO PACMAN JONES’S BODYGUARD/BABYSITTER

It appears as though the bodyguard hired by the Dallas Cowboys to protect Adam “Pacman” Jones need his own bodyguard to protect himself from Pacman Jones.

In the Dallas Cowboys’ latest attempt to show the world that criminals deserve not only second chances, but third, fourth, fifth and sixth chances, Pacman was partying it up on Friday night and upon the “changing of the guards” (yes, he has a full rotation of bodyguards) Pacman’s second shift guard thought he should not be at the party. Needless to say, Pacman disagreed and, as with all things Cowgirls related, complete chaos and disorder ensued.

What exactly does Pacman Jones need protection from? Let’s call this man what he really was, not a body guard but a babysitter, hired by the Cowgirls to make sure Pacman didn’t end up in jail, AGAIN!

Jones is coming off a years suspension by the NFL for “off field conduct.” At a Las Vegas Strip Club, Pacman and his entourage (first sign of trouble, he travels with an entourage) decided to “make it rain” on a stripper. When the strippers picked up $81,000 in one dollars bills that had been thrown at her, “Jones became irate about the loss of his money, and the fact that girls were in a frenzy, picking up the money at their feet." He got angry, grabbed her hair and slammed her head against the stage. (I am far from a strip club expert, but I thought those girls were supposed to keep the money. That is why they are taking their clothes off, right?)

But it would be a shame to the criminals of cowboys past for it to stop there, so two of the men fired some gun shots and left one security guard dead and the club owner paralyzed. The best part is, Pacman claims he didn’t know those two men, who came to the club with him, sat next to him and left with him. Interesting...

This weekend, in a discussion of whether Tim Tebow was a D.B. or a nice boy, I argued for Tebow with “at least he isn’t getting arrested and in jail.” To which my opponent replied, “well then, he could just play for the Dallas Cowboys!”
Now, how can I argue with that.....




When Pacman came back to the NFL, guess who was ready to pick him up? Of Course! Who else cleans up the trash of the NFL? THE DALLAS COWGIRLS!

Now, the Cowgirls have no plans to sit Pacman in “time out” for his latest bodyguard beating offense, but I guess its what they were expecting from a guy who has been arrested 6 times and involved in 13 police related incidents since he was drafted. Which wouldn’t be nearly as bad…if he weren’t in the NFL for only 2 years!!!!! I would think you would actually have to put some effort into having a “run in” with police an average of 9.5 times a year. Where does he find the time?

What does Owner, Jerry Jones, have to say? "If I suspended Pacman Jones over something like this, I would have had to suspend half the team over the last 20 years."

Please, Jerry, you make this too easy. You can’t just concede that your team is a band of delinquints, who have to call their probation officers to travel to away games.



Please tell me what those two know about jail that the rest of us don't? With smiles like those, it looks like they want to go to jail!

Tank Johnson

Tank Johnson got arrested for possession of everything except a tank.. His first arrest was at a nightclub and he was charged with possession of a handgun, followed by aggravated assault on an officer. Tank was then arrested for possession of six unlicensed firearms, including assault rifles. The Bears finally let him go after he was arrested for every Cowgirls favorite, driving while intoxicated. The Cowboys picked him up following his suspension.


Michael Irvin

Irvin was celebrating his 30th birthday before police entered his hotel room and caught him, apparently, snorting cocaine off of a stripper’s breast. (He actually ends up being one of the more well-behaved Cowboys). He was the only one, however (that I could find a record of) assaulting a teammate during training camp when he allegedly inflicted a two-inch cut in the neck of a Dallas Cowboy guard “during a haircut.” They settled out of court.
Days before the NFC Championship, Irvin and a teammate were accused of sexually assaulting a Dallas woman, with a gun to her head and videotaping it.
*And you were mad at Tony Romo for going to Cabo??


Dwayne Goodrich

Goodrich is currently serving 12.5 years for negligent homicide resulting from a hit and run accident. When 2 kids pulled over to help a man from a burning vehicle, Goodrich struck them at 110 m.p.h and killed them both, before leaving the scene of the crime.


Larry Bethea

This Cowboy defensive lineman was arrested and later convicted of stealing $ 64,000 from his own mother. He was the SECOND Dallas Cowboy accused of stealing from their mother!

Dexter Clinkscale

Clinkscale was arrested for having sexual relations and molesting an 18-year-old boy. Perhaps, he didn’t know that 18 year olds were considered boys in Texas, but either way its disgusting and I am moving on.


Harvey Martin

This is one of my favorites. Martin was arrested three times in 5months for beating a woman. I know that isn’t funny, but the fact that his defense was....”I have been smoking crack all day” is funny!

Bob Hayes

Supposedly Mr. Hayes was so fast, he is why teams invented a zone defense. You know what makes a man run that fast? Cocaine. Bob Hayes was arrested for distributing cocaine. Wasn’t fast enough to get away from the police, huh?

I am starting to wonder if the Cowgirls used cocaine rather than chalk to line the endzone, perhaps they would have an easier time getting to it!


Lance Rentzel

Star wide receiver, Rentzel, was arrested for exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl.


Larry Bethea,

Bethea shot himself in the head before police could arrest him after he was identified as the gunman in 2 armed robberies.

Rafael Septien

Septien molested a 10 year old girl and was fined $2,000. Yeah, Dallas, that will teach him! I didn’t know a fine was an exceptable punishment for a felony, anywhere! But again, I can’t joke about kids getting molested, so moving on.

Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson

Cowboys linebacker Henderson was arrested for smoking crack with two under-aged teenage girls. He was accused of threatening them with a gun and sexually assaulting them. One of the girls was described as a “paraplegic minor.” But Henderson claims he gave the girls crack in exchange for consensual sex. There are so many things wrong with this. It is like a really sick, “how many things are wrong with this picture” game.


Nate Newton

Lineman, Nate Newton was arrested with 213 ponds of marijuana in his car. I know you are thinking “Wow! That’s a lot of drugs!” Five weeks later, he was caught transporting another 175 pounds of weed. Maybe Dallas doesn’t pay enough, cause there is no way he was smoking all of that.

Incase you were wondering how much 213 lbs of marajuana is:

This is only 33 lbs.



Adam “Pacman” Jones only weighs 185 lbs (he was carrying more than a Pacman Jones of marajuana.)



So, my question is, if as a condition of his probation, Jones can’t associate with known felons, does that mean he can’t be interviewed by Michael Irvin?

I could see this condition causing a lot of confusion on a Cowboys huddle. “But coach, I can’t huddle with him, he’s a known felon. I don’t wanna go back to jail!”
I guess that explains the new stadium....

Week 5 in the NFL (better a date late than two!)

44-6! That is the only way to start this weeks recap. The WORLD CHAMPION NY GIANTS gave a swift 44-6 a** kicking to the Seattle Seahawks. The Giants played beautifully, Eli’s perfectly thrown pass to Hixon on their first drive of the game looked as if the hand of God had reached down to guide the ball safely into the end zone. Brandon Jacobs, 3 T.D.s, 106 yrds rushing; Hixon 1 T.D., 102 yards receiving, Eli Manning 2 T.D.s, no interceptions, 267 yards passing, 523 yards of total offense. Even David Carr had a touch down. It was as if receivers danced poetically in and out of their patterns, to a song written by angels, for Eli while the defense held the Seahawks to 187 total yards, as if they were guarding their end zone like the gates of heaven. It was as if....as if...Plaxico Burress didn’t even exist. You didn’t see that coming did you? Seriously, it was a flawless performance for the WORLD CHAMPS and an embarrassment for Seattle.




You may find it hard to believe but, there were actually other games on this Sunday. Another thing you may find hard to believe, Kerry Collins continues to lead the Titans to 5-0 with a 13-10 win over the Ravens this week. Why didn’t Kerry play like that for the Giants? (Actually he did, it was the rest of the team that decided not to play back then. You remember Tiki, don’t you?) Let’s see if they can keep this up next week, when rumor has it, the Titans plan on throwing Vince Young back in the mix. In my humble opinion Tennessee, if your quarterback is winning games, you just let him do his thing, I don’t care what your options are. If it aint broke, don’t fix it!

Apparently, the only time Kansas City shows up for a game is when they are screwing up by Survivor pool picks. (Stupid, Jay Cutler!!) Given their win last week, it looks like the Chiefs had something to prove this week..that they were still the worst team in the league. (Next to St. Louis, of course). Coach Edwards was quoted as saying “he didn’t see this coming.” Are you kidding? Did he mean the loss, or the shut out?!? Last week ended a 12 game losing streak for the Chiefs. Maybe he forgot. If he is wondering how they lost, I am happy to explain. Huard was less than 50% with his passing and two of his completed passes were to the other team. There is also the issue that he didn’t manage his second first down of the game until his fate was sealed 24-0. Oh, and did I mention the fumble? Come on guys, you really didn’t see this coming? Well see it now, because until you pick a quarterback and stick with him, it will keep happening. Changing your leading man every game creates the instability that guarantees losses. Wow! Maybe I should coach the Chiefs! Credit to the Panthers though, their defense was excellent, holding Larry Johnson to a total of 2 yards! Final score: 34-0.

Another embarrassment, though not quite as bad, was the Chicago Bears over the Detroit Lions, 34-7. Look at that Detroit. You are exactly one T.D. away from being as bad as the Chiefs. Good work! What was the best play call the Bears ever made? “Pretend Rex Grossman doesn’t exist, on three!!” Orton threw for 334 yards and 2 T.D.s. Detroit did nothing but suck.

Despite Aaron Rodgers’ 313 yards passing and 3 touch downs, 97 yards of penalties and foolishness allowed the Falcons to squeak by the Packers 27-24. But it wasn’t as exciting as the comeback of the week.... Peyton “the lesser” Manning, was being lead by the Texans by 17 points, when in pure Texans fashion...they blew it! They didn’t score again. In under 3 minutes the Colts scored 21 points. What happened next was just pure devastation for Steve Slaton who had two touchdowns and Mario Williams who had two sacks. They did all they could but their quarterback single handedly sealed their fate as contenders for the worst team in the NFL (aside from the Rams). It sounded something like this:
Winless Texans about to beating the Colts by 17 with 8 minutes lef tint he game.
Touchdown Colts! 4 minutes left int he game. Rosenfels back to pass, FUMBLE! Touchdown Colts!Colts down by three just over 3 minutes on the clock.Rosenfels back to pass again, he's SACKED and FUMBLE! Touchdown Colts!Rosenthal has a chance to redeem himself. There is still 2 minutes on the clock, Rosenfel is back, looks left and throws deep...and...it INTERCEPTED! Goodbye, Texans!
*I actually had an entire section here announcing the play by play but, I edited it out. But that is why you will find the remainder of the recaps so short...
I was actually going to put a picture here of Rosenfels Want Ad for friends, or make fun of how even the Dolphins didn't want him or his name being "Sage." But as the list of reasons to make fun of him got longer, I realized, it is just too easy and this guy already has it pretty rough. I mean look how cute and innocent and scared he is....

"Oh God, can you hear me? Its me Sage! Please? If you are done with Eli Manning can you please not let me drop this ball, again...everyone hates me! "


Miami beat San Diego 17-10. Chad Pennington throwing 22/29 is slowly but surely pulling the Dolphins out of the land of no return their 15-1 season sent them to last year. We will be back to hearing how Dolphins aren’t fish but mammals and how they are stronger than sharks, in no time!

Everyone sing with me! Cry, Eagles, Cry! All the way to last place in the NFC East...beat by the Redskins. 23-17.

Stupid Jay Cutler and the Broncos beat Tampa Bay 13-16. Despite throwing for his worst game all season Cutler managed a win this week....probably because he already lost the pool for me last week! This game was terrible. No one played well, it was just lucky.

Upset of the week was, Arizona over Buffalo, 41-17. The Cardinals were scoring like its their job, (wait it is their job!), the first three quarters, but absolutely nothing happened in the 4th. You could have turned off the tv.

I am sure you heard or read Ocho Cincos claims that he would kiss the Dallas star is he scored in Cincys game against Dallas. Well, he didn’t. Not only did Cincy lose their fifth game of the 5-week season, but Ocho Cinco did nothing. 3 receptions for 43 yards. Maybe next time. Ocho wasn’t the only clown in that game. Last week, T.O. said Dallas didn’t win because they didn’t give him the ball either. I can’t imagine he was happy about the win, since he only touched the ball three times...all game!

2 interceptions by Cassel was met with three interceptions by O’Sullivan. It was like they were trying to beat each other out in a game of “who can be the worst QB of the week.” Although, clearly they didn’t see the Texans game. Anyway, assuming they were playing to win, New England came out on top of the 49ers, 30-21.

Pittsburgh v. Jacksonville was down to the wire. Steelers took the lead at the end of the 4th with a TD and a failed 2 pt. conversion, but the win was sealed when the Jags turned the ball over on downs in the final seconds. Steelers, 26-21.

Saints wrote the recipe on Monday night for “How to Lose to the Vikings at home.” You take 2 interceptions by Brees and add 2 fumbles by Reggie Bush. You would think that would be enough, but just to make sure the loss turns out just right, you want to add 3 more fumbles by Drew Brees and wait until they result in Viking points. Then incase the Saints get in the red zone again, it is recommended that you seal the loss and top it off with 2 missed field goals.
Come on Saints! What happened? You disappoint me, Reggie.

NFL Sideshow: Ocho Cinco v. TO

The only time these two make headlines is when they are making a fool of themselves.From working out in their front yards to changing their name to match their jersey number, I have got to wonder how these two made it to the NFL without getting recruited by the circus. I mean, they are both just clowns, but who is the bigger joke?

Chad Ocho Cinco:

The best part is, I didn't have to change his hair...that craziness is really his hair! Chad Ocho Cinco, formally Chad Johnson, changed his name to match his jersey number...but in Spanish. It is obvious that the guy doesn't actually speak any other Spanish because Ocho Cinco is NOT eighty five in Spanish...its eight-five. But that is only where his insanity starts. Chad also claims he can swim faster than Michael Phelps and is not impressed by 8 gold medals in a single Olympics. However, we all know the only way Chad Johnson could win an Olympic medal is if they made running your mouth a sport. He has done everything from trashing his team, his teammates and his coach to making himself a hall of fame jacket. His latest shennangins? He has made it publicly known that if, and we must stress that if because Chad has done next to NOTHING this season, he manages to score a TD against Dallas, he will kiss the Dallas star in the center of the field. So much talking...so little playing. Mike Ditka suggests he should change his name to "Too much talk-o" but I think he should be "Cero-cinco!" Yup, that is Zero and Five in Spanish, coincidently the Bengals and Chad also happen to be Ohhhhhhh and five! I think winning at least one game should be a prerequisite for opening your mouth in the NFL!
Wanna know where Ocho Cinco came from, watch the video. (good luck understanding him).


Terrell Ownens.

My favorite t-shirt says "You can't spell idiot without T.O.!" Nothing could be closer to the truth! He became a joke in the NFL back when he played for the Eagles. This guy set up a gym in his front yard and started working out when he was not allowed to work out with the Eagles. His fines alone could probably pay an NFL salary. T.O is a side show on his own, he needs no help from Chad Ocho Cinco, he has single handedly divided and conquered the Philadelphia Eagles, which would be a good thing, if he wasn't playing for the Eagles at the time and his most recent agenda seems to be to take down the Dallas Cowboys. But as a Giants fan, I am all for his behavior; I hate Dallas and I hate Philadephia...maybe T.O is secretly working for Tom Coughlin. Anything I say about T.O at this point has already been said, he has been at this for so long, I am going to let the T.O quotes speak for themselves...

On T.O. being Sportsman of the Year in 2005 (from S.I.com):

When I told people I had chosen Terrell Owens as my Sportsman of the Year, most people understood immediately. "Well, Time magazine did pick Hitler and Stalin as Man of the Year," they said.

His tale had it all: Redemption, greed, selfishness, immaturity, rebellion, combined with flair, creativity, and athletic prowess.

Owens is the ultimate anti-hero in America.

On his most recent "anti-Cowboy" comments (I highly recommend reading this one):

So if anything, the Cowboys stagnated because they attempted to force the ball to a 34-year-old ball-dropping-prone-prima-donna that is only good for whipping out sharpies and doing crunches in his front yard.


My Pick:
It has to be obvious, my pick is T.O. It takes real skill to generate the type of universal hate Terrell Owens gathers. Come on! He was compared to Hitler and Stalin!!! He makes Ocho Cinco look like a man. Chad, if you want the title of the NFL Sideshow, call me when you have cried on tv,