Week 5 Recap: Better late then never

Browns 6-3 over Bills. BORING! 3 field goals. Bills are 1-6 and lost to a team with 10 straight losses. And you wonder why their home games are being exported to Toronto. Don’t worry though, Alex Trebek, Shania Twain, bacon, hockey…all Canadian. (Who doesn't love Alex Trebek!!!)



Looks like Pittsburgh is (almost) back! Ben Roethlisberger had a season-high three touchdowns passes through three quarters. The Defense had seven sacks in the game, and a forced a fumble. And held off their opponent in the final minutes of the 4th to win 28-20. But the Steelers were playing the Detroit Lions! Yeah, they aren’t back…barely squeaking passed the Lions in the 4th is as good as a loss.

I am starting a movement to change Sunday to Manning Day. Eli Manning lead the Giants to a 44-7 win over Oakland. Yeah, I know it's only the Raiders, but the G-men put in their back-ups in the second quarter! If you don’t like the Giants, its okay…you can just call us “Five and Oh!” And in case you were forgetting what Peyton Manning looks like, he was on Prime Time for the 3rd time this season (its only week 5) leading the Colts 31-9 over the Titans. The Titans, a sad “ohhhhhh” and five, with Big bro Manning joining his brother in the undefeated. They make it look so easy.

Sunday also marked the return of McNabb to the arm-flapping, football experiment, currently known as, the Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles defeated Tampa Bay 14-33, but who will serve me my breakfast now? IHOP has oblong AFC and NFC stuffed pancakes with icing as laces, but it is my firm belief that Donovon McNabb should carry nothing in the shape of a football. Waffle please.



How long do you have to be in the NFL to be a veteran? I know he hasn’t been around that long, but they keep referring to Tony Romo’s inability to make plays as “rookie mistakes!” Come on! The guy has been in the NFL for 6 years. Sure he hasn’t been around as long as Favre, but it is time to take the training wheels off big boy! You just suck! The Cowgirls served the Chiefs their 28th loss in 30 games, 26-20, but had to go all the way to OT, to do it. (Looks like the Cowgirls will have plenty of time to raise the tv in their new stadium…during the playoffs, when their stadium is empty!)

Speaking of the “F-word” Guess who turned FORTY! That’s right. None other then the NFL’s favorite grey-haired, overrated, won’t get off my tv, retiring, unretiring, cry-baby, Brett “where the h*ll am I going to play this season” Favre. Yup, he is 40! That means he could have fathered his Jets replacement Mark Sanchez, Chad Henne, Matt Stafford and Matt Ryan and those are only quarterbacks…that I could think of quickly. And since he’s old, we have to pretend that everyone of his wins (and every freakin play) is a big one. So I am not surprised to hear how that Vikings crushed the St. Louis Rams, leaving out that the Rams are on a 15 game losing streak. You are still old, Favre! 38-10, Favres over Rams.



I turned on the Denver- New England game and had no clue who was playing. Not only because the Broncos wore mustard-yellow uniforms and the Patriots has scary muscle guys on their white helmets, but because since when does a Broncos QB go 35-48 for 321 yards (I guess since it stopped being Jay Cutler) and Tom Brady is no…Tom Brady! Looks like Mr. 18 and 1, never returned from his injury…or honeymoon. These old Pats just aint what they used to be. Denver over New England in OT, 17-20.

Chad Henne made his debut to quiet the Mark Sanchez bandwagon. The Jets were calling the team under Mark the Jet’s “Sanchise.” I wouldn’t be too quick to make T-shirts…we all know what happened under “Broadway Brett!” Unless of course, they look like this:



The Jets had Braylon Edwards and two fake punts fooled the Dolphins. But Miami had the wildcat, and it was the real wildcat…not that scared kitten stuff the Eagles run! With 10 seconds left in the game, Phins in the Red, RAN THE BALL…to win the game. 27-31, Miami.

Week 5 in the NFL (better a date late than two!)

44-6! That is the only way to start this weeks recap. The WORLD CHAMPION NY GIANTS gave a swift 44-6 a** kicking to the Seattle Seahawks. The Giants played beautifully, Eli’s perfectly thrown pass to Hixon on their first drive of the game looked as if the hand of God had reached down to guide the ball safely into the end zone. Brandon Jacobs, 3 T.D.s, 106 yrds rushing; Hixon 1 T.D., 102 yards receiving, Eli Manning 2 T.D.s, no interceptions, 267 yards passing, 523 yards of total offense. Even David Carr had a touch down. It was as if receivers danced poetically in and out of their patterns, to a song written by angels, for Eli while the defense held the Seahawks to 187 total yards, as if they were guarding their end zone like the gates of heaven. It was as if....as if...Plaxico Burress didn’t even exist. You didn’t see that coming did you? Seriously, it was a flawless performance for the WORLD CHAMPS and an embarrassment for Seattle.




You may find it hard to believe but, there were actually other games on this Sunday. Another thing you may find hard to believe, Kerry Collins continues to lead the Titans to 5-0 with a 13-10 win over the Ravens this week. Why didn’t Kerry play like that for the Giants? (Actually he did, it was the rest of the team that decided not to play back then. You remember Tiki, don’t you?) Let’s see if they can keep this up next week, when rumor has it, the Titans plan on throwing Vince Young back in the mix. In my humble opinion Tennessee, if your quarterback is winning games, you just let him do his thing, I don’t care what your options are. If it aint broke, don’t fix it!

Apparently, the only time Kansas City shows up for a game is when they are screwing up by Survivor pool picks. (Stupid, Jay Cutler!!) Given their win last week, it looks like the Chiefs had something to prove this week..that they were still the worst team in the league. (Next to St. Louis, of course). Coach Edwards was quoted as saying “he didn’t see this coming.” Are you kidding? Did he mean the loss, or the shut out?!? Last week ended a 12 game losing streak for the Chiefs. Maybe he forgot. If he is wondering how they lost, I am happy to explain. Huard was less than 50% with his passing and two of his completed passes were to the other team. There is also the issue that he didn’t manage his second first down of the game until his fate was sealed 24-0. Oh, and did I mention the fumble? Come on guys, you really didn’t see this coming? Well see it now, because until you pick a quarterback and stick with him, it will keep happening. Changing your leading man every game creates the instability that guarantees losses. Wow! Maybe I should coach the Chiefs! Credit to the Panthers though, their defense was excellent, holding Larry Johnson to a total of 2 yards! Final score: 34-0.

Another embarrassment, though not quite as bad, was the Chicago Bears over the Detroit Lions, 34-7. Look at that Detroit. You are exactly one T.D. away from being as bad as the Chiefs. Good work! What was the best play call the Bears ever made? “Pretend Rex Grossman doesn’t exist, on three!!” Orton threw for 334 yards and 2 T.D.s. Detroit did nothing but suck.

Despite Aaron Rodgers’ 313 yards passing and 3 touch downs, 97 yards of penalties and foolishness allowed the Falcons to squeak by the Packers 27-24. But it wasn’t as exciting as the comeback of the week.... Peyton “the lesser” Manning, was being lead by the Texans by 17 points, when in pure Texans fashion...they blew it! They didn’t score again. In under 3 minutes the Colts scored 21 points. What happened next was just pure devastation for Steve Slaton who had two touchdowns and Mario Williams who had two sacks. They did all they could but their quarterback single handedly sealed their fate as contenders for the worst team in the NFL (aside from the Rams). It sounded something like this:
Winless Texans about to beating the Colts by 17 with 8 minutes lef tint he game.
Touchdown Colts! 4 minutes left int he game. Rosenfels back to pass, FUMBLE! Touchdown Colts!Colts down by three just over 3 minutes on the clock.Rosenfels back to pass again, he's SACKED and FUMBLE! Touchdown Colts!Rosenthal has a chance to redeem himself. There is still 2 minutes on the clock, Rosenfel is back, looks left and throws deep...and...it INTERCEPTED! Goodbye, Texans!
*I actually had an entire section here announcing the play by play but, I edited it out. But that is why you will find the remainder of the recaps so short...
I was actually going to put a picture here of Rosenfels Want Ad for friends, or make fun of how even the Dolphins didn't want him or his name being "Sage." But as the list of reasons to make fun of him got longer, I realized, it is just too easy and this guy already has it pretty rough. I mean look how cute and innocent and scared he is....

"Oh God, can you hear me? Its me Sage! Please? If you are done with Eli Manning can you please not let me drop this ball, again...everyone hates me! "


Miami beat San Diego 17-10. Chad Pennington throwing 22/29 is slowly but surely pulling the Dolphins out of the land of no return their 15-1 season sent them to last year. We will be back to hearing how Dolphins aren’t fish but mammals and how they are stronger than sharks, in no time!

Everyone sing with me! Cry, Eagles, Cry! All the way to last place in the NFC East...beat by the Redskins. 23-17.

Stupid Jay Cutler and the Broncos beat Tampa Bay 13-16. Despite throwing for his worst game all season Cutler managed a win this week....probably because he already lost the pool for me last week! This game was terrible. No one played well, it was just lucky.

Upset of the week was, Arizona over Buffalo, 41-17. The Cardinals were scoring like its their job, (wait it is their job!), the first three quarters, but absolutely nothing happened in the 4th. You could have turned off the tv.

I am sure you heard or read Ocho Cincos claims that he would kiss the Dallas star is he scored in Cincys game against Dallas. Well, he didn’t. Not only did Cincy lose their fifth game of the 5-week season, but Ocho Cinco did nothing. 3 receptions for 43 yards. Maybe next time. Ocho wasn’t the only clown in that game. Last week, T.O. said Dallas didn’t win because they didn’t give him the ball either. I can’t imagine he was happy about the win, since he only touched the ball three times...all game!

2 interceptions by Cassel was met with three interceptions by O’Sullivan. It was like they were trying to beat each other out in a game of “who can be the worst QB of the week.” Although, clearly they didn’t see the Texans game. Anyway, assuming they were playing to win, New England came out on top of the 49ers, 30-21.

Pittsburgh v. Jacksonville was down to the wire. Steelers took the lead at the end of the 4th with a TD and a failed 2 pt. conversion, but the win was sealed when the Jags turned the ball over on downs in the final seconds. Steelers, 26-21.

Saints wrote the recipe on Monday night for “How to Lose to the Vikings at home.” You take 2 interceptions by Brees and add 2 fumbles by Reggie Bush. You would think that would be enough, but just to make sure the loss turns out just right, you want to add 3 more fumbles by Drew Brees and wait until they result in Viking points. Then incase the Saints get in the red zone again, it is recommended that you seal the loss and top it off with 2 missed field goals.
Come on Saints! What happened? You disappoint me, Reggie.