NFL Recap Week Fourteen: It's Been a Long Time

I know. I know. I haven’t written in a while. I am sure you are all thinking that it’s because the Giants have been losing, but I was away for Thanksgiving, my brother got married and I’ve been packing up my belongings for a move… and who am I kidding, it is hard to write a blog about football when your football team is losing every week.

Let’s try and see what I have missed since week 10.

I guess I can’t avoid it, the New York Giants got spanked on several occasions, but let’s look at the bright side, this week Eli had zero interceptions (they did fumble four times), we figured out why we have Hakeem Nix on the team with 110 yards receiving and New York did go in front 31-30, when Domenik Hixon broke two tackles for a 61-yard, catch-and-run score and even after a big play, they didn’t quit. They scored again for 38 total points! (Eagles had 45) Did I mention Eli threw for 391 yards? (My little boy is growing up!) But not matter how bad a Giant’s team…they can still beat the Dallas Cowgirl and we will always have that to smile about!

Plus, who needs to win the NFC East (I DO!) when you can be on the Simpsons. (Isn’t that what the Eagles say about Super Bowls? Who needs them?)


Poor Cooper. While we are on the subject of Mannings, Eli’s bog bro, Peyton remains undefeated.

And I would imagine his conversation before the game, went something like this…



Yeah, that’s right, Peyton “laser rocket arm” Manning, threw three picks this week, but just to be safe, he also threw 4 touchdown passes breaking NFL records for most consecutive regular-season wins (22) and most wins in a decade (114), plus beating the Broncos 16-28 and wrapping up home-field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs. Yup. Just like that.

The New Orleans Saints also remain undefeated, but by the skin of their teeth. (Do we have skin on our teeth?) After almost losing to the Redskins in OT (as if it isn’t embarrassing enough to be in OT with Washington), the Saints skimmed passed the Falcons this week in a 26-26 win. Did I mention, Atlanta was playing without Matty Ice (how can that not be your favorite NFL nickname?) and some other star guy? A W is a W, but New Orleans is scarping together wins…let’s face it Brees, you are just not a Manning.

After losing Big Ben to a concussion and their back up guy, whose name I never knew, to a broken wrist in the same game, the Steelers were pretty much opening up for fan participation day. Big Ben sat out due to a fear for his due to previous concussions, but he’s back and apparently no one told the O-line about the need to protect Ben’s head. Steelers lost their fifth straight game to the Cleveland freakin Browns. (it’s like when the Eagles lost to the Raiders…remember that? Hahaha!) and Roethlisberger was sacked 8 times, but don’t worry, he’s been sacked 9 before. Seriously, that can’t be good for that concussion thing he has going on. Put the fliers back up guys! 6-13, Browns.


(It isn't mean. Jeff Garcia has played every where...and done nothing)

The Bills beat the Chiefs and the Vikings beat the Bengals, but Ihate Brett Favre and I don’t care. Moving on…

Remember the Sanchise? The cute little name the Jets gave their team after 2 wins with Mark Sanchez…you know, before they went on a losing streak? Well, you know what the Jets needed to break that losing streak? To lose the Sanchise! Kellen Clemens (who???), the guy who was supposed to take Pennington's, place before Favre and Favre’s place, before Sanchez, led the other NY team to a 26-3 victory over the Bucs. If you overlook the fact that they were playing Tampa Bay, it seems impressive for a first ever start. ($5 if you can name the Bucs quaterback!)

Tom who? The Pats lost to Miami last week and again this week to Caronlina. Looking a lot less like an 18 AND ONE quaterback this season…blame the super models that keep poppin’ out his kids. Giselle gave birth to Tom’s second son with a super model and they are having trouble coming up with a name…hmm…son of Tom Brady and Giselle? How about “I’m gonna be hot and rich” Brady?

Ravens over Lions 48-3. Texans over Seahawks, 34-7. Titans over Rams, 47-7. No surprises there!

But I’ve got great news, the Redskin beat the Raiders 34-14. Why is that great news? Because it means the Eagles are the only team in the NFC East to lose to the Raiders. And “Oakland Raiders?” has become my favorite line of the season. Although, Philly’s also first in the NFC East, so…I guess it isn’t as great as I thought, but you know what is?

The Cowgirls lost to the Chargers. After Dallas’s kicker blamed several missed field goals on faulty ball handling by the snap holder, the Cowgirls decided to return to Romo as the holder. Did they forget why they replaced Romo as holder in the first place? On 4th and goals before the half, Dallas sets up for a field goal….the ball is snapped…and the hold is bobbled. Seriously Romo, you are still doing that? 20-17, Chargers.

NFL Recap: Halloween Edition (Week Seven)

I know, I have never been quite this late, but it’s Halloween and you get a special addition!

I went to the game on Sunday night in the Meadowlands. After 4 hours of tailgating, I wasn’t as upset as you would think to find out I had great seats to see the Cardinals beat the Giants, 24-17. Wondering what happened?

On the other hand, had I been sober enough to notice all this was going on, it might have been a more interesting game. Arizona safety, Antrel Rolle's, was docked $7,500 by the league this week for "unnecessarily striking a defenseless receiver," for an extremely late hit on Kevin Boss. Ahmad Bradshaw was also fined, $5,000 for hitting Cards DT Darnell Dockett in the face mask after a play late in the game. The hit came after Dockett saying something to him while lying on top of him after making the tackle. After the game, Dockett mocked Bradshaw's punch on T.O.’s favorite outlet, Twitter. "felt like a scoobey snack. Glass joe on mike tyson hit harder than U."

Docket, do I need to remind you that Bradshaw’s punch came after you laid on top of him for an extended period of time after a tackle? Does he really even need to comment?

Don’t worry, I got this guy in the parking lot afterward!



Speaking of guys on guys. Is it me, or is Brett Favre checking out this guys butt?



Oh, you didn’t know the Vikings played this week? That’s because they lost. And you know the new NFL Rules. Praise Favre for all positive plays, ignore any losses. I would like to thank Big Ben and the Steelers for putting a one in the Minnesota Favres loss column. You get first pick of my Halloween candy! 17-27, Steelers.

While the rest of the NFL gets to smack around Tampa Bay right here on American soil, the Patriots went all the way across the pond to show the English what we see here, every week…someone beating up on the Bucs. 35-7, New England.

The Raiders had mercy on all of us this week, and after 3 interceptions, pulled Jamarcus Russell out of the game. No, Oakland didn’t improve or even score after that, but at least we don’t have to watch Russell, anymore. 38-0, Jets. (This doesn’t count toward that Sanchise!)

The Colts had a week off against the Rams. What can I say about a game that ended 42-6? (There’s always next year, St. Louis? Or baseball?) But Peyton Manning, being the stellar quarterback he is (and a Manning), is a popular Halloween costume this year. Since on Halloween, you are supposed to be disguised as something that you aren’t everyday, can you guess who was Peyton Manning this year?



Jason Campbell dressed as Peyton Manning, a player with job security. Which is an excellent costume, since Peyton Manning is probably the opposite of Jason Campbell. This guy is terrible. Absolutely terrible. Some times I am watching and wondering, “how can anyone be so bad at football?” “why doesn’t someone trade this guy for Matt Schaub? Or….me?”


Campbell wasn’t the only guy in that game dressing as a Manning this year.


Donovan McNabb is going as a Super Bowl Champion! (Now that’s a disguise!!!)
27-17, Filthadelphia over Washington.


Speaking of guys who should wear a mask. Jake Delhomme should probably hide his face…behind the Classified section of the newspaper. Delhomme threw three interceptions, (AGAIN). Even though Buffalo tried to lose, Carolina wasn’t going to let that happen. 20-9, Buffalo.

And amongst the Bills, is perhaps this years scariest Halloween costume, yet. Terrell Owens is going trick-or-treating as, YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!


Come on, could you imagine this guy with unlimited access to media? Kids everywhere will have their parents checking under their beds this year for T.O. with a microphone.

But T.O. better watch out, himself. It looks like Larry Johnson wants to give him a run for his money. With Kansas City playing like usual, L.J. took the Owens way out and decided to blame anyone, but himself. Mostly the coaching staff. Why is it their fault? Well, because according to Larry, they are gay. After Larry used negative, offensive comments and gay slurs in his public coach-bashing session, he received a 2-week suspension. Add this to Johnson’s trouble with the law and previous gay slur offenses, the Chiefs claim, Larry has played his last game for Kansas City.

I’d blame Larry and the media circus for Kansas City’s 37-7 loss to San Diego, but we all know Johnson never contributed very much and no one cares what happens in Kansas City. No excuses guy…you just suck!

…But this weekend, you can dress up and pretend that you don’t because it is Halloween!

And even Jerry Jones is going as something he isn’t every day.



Cuddly!

NFL Recap: Week Six

Remember those days when you’d stay home and play in the snow and build snowmen, go sleigh riding and then run inside to drink hot chocolate once you couldn’t feel your fingers and toes? Well, it doesn’t snow much in Tennessee and Sunday it was a “SNOW DAY!” for the Titans. In the mean time Tom Brady threw six touchdown passes. Five of those passes came in the second quarter, an NFL record for one period and six touchdown throws tied Brady's own Patriots record. When the Titans were done with their snow angels they were sent home with a score of 0-59, Patriots.



Arizona stepped it up against Seattle on Sunday, previously unable to get the ball to "go-to-man" Larry Fitzgerald, on Sunday, Fitzgerald caught 13 of 15 balls thrown his way for his first 100-yard game of the season. Add to this the Cards intimate relationship with Matt Hasselback, lying him on his back 5 times (for 5 sacks)and it explains the 27-3 Arizona win over Seattle.


It was hyped up as the game to watch. The undefeated New York Giants versus the undefeated New Orleans Saints. Eli Manning returned to his hometown of New Orleands only to watc Drew Brees, blow by his “number one” defense. Brees ended completed 23 of 30 passes for 369 yards. The Giants came into the game giving up averages of 210.6 yards and 14.2 points. The Saints had 34 points and 315 yards by halftime! With the final score being 27-48.

I have to try and defend my G-men against those that say they aren’t a worthy opponent, and say each pass was off by just a little, stupid mistakes gave Saints easy field position and I don’t believe the Saints were as great, as the Giants were poor on Sunday. But we did get spanked, leaving me to ask….where was my defense?



The Giants room mates (or stadium mates) didn’t fair any better. The Jets played the Bills in what seemed like a game they wanted to lose, but the Jet’s refused to let that happen. Trent Edwards was injured, and replaced by Buffalo with Fitzpatrick, who threw for less than 50%....but it’s okay. The Bills cause 5 passes from Mark Sanchez and even caught a field goal in OT. Looks like the best replacement QB for the Bills, was Sanchez. After the game, Sanchez took full blame, saying the loss was his fault…”yeah, ya think?” 16-13, Bills. Told you to hold off on those “Sanchise shirts!”

The Browns were just not meant to beat the Steelers. Each team had four turnovers. Yeah, you heard correctly, four each…eight total, but I guess the Steelers fumbles just came at a better time. Who knows how you win a game with four turnovers? Failed Brown’s defense, poor ball placement and a few touchdown passes.

Ben Roethlisberger threw two touchdown passes to a wide-open offense and the Steelers were granted a first down on a questionable measurement. It helps that Big Ben was 23 of 35 for 417 yards, Hines Ward made eight catches for 159 yards and a touchdown, Santonio Holmes had five for 104 and tight end Heath Miller caught his a touchdown pass of his own.

The Washington Redskins….the poor Washington Redskins. They have yet to play a single team this year, who had a one in their win column. That’s right. The Washington hasn’t played a single opponent with a win, yet they are 2-4. This week the ‘Skin handed Kansas City their first win, in a game that someone had to win, but nobody who wasn’t playing in it cared about. 14-6, Chiefs.

What could be worse than Washington? The St. Louis Rams, who have now lost 16 in a row. Come on, give these guys some credit…it isn’t easy losing that many games in a row, eventually you play a team like the Redskins, Lions or Chiefs. But not this week. This week Jacksonville finished with 492 yards and was 11 for 16 on third downs. Then how was the game so close, you ask? How else? Three Jacksonville turnovers! 20-23, Jaguars.

Minnesota beat Baltimore and of course, all we hard about was the great, undefeated Brett Favre…who I am sure single-handedly won the game by throwing passed up for himself to catch in the end zone and switching pads during commercials to defend against the Baltimore offense…what they don’t tell you, yet again…Favre was n’t good, but “just good enough.” 31-33, Favres.

Greenbay beat Detroit, but Detroit already has one win, so it really isn’t as much fun to talk about anymore. 0-26., Packers.

Philadelphia fans were all over the Giant’s getting beat by the Saints, but probably should have held off until they found out they lost to the Oakland Raiders. The Raiders scored the only touchdown of the game and the most entertaining part of the game was probably the pigeon. If you didn’t see the pigeon that wanted good seats to the game. Check out the video below. (A little advice pigeon…there isn’t much excitement in an Eagle’s game…may I suggest flying across to New Jersey?)
Video.



Cute bird, huh? Well he wasnt the only bird on the field that had no idea what he was doing, Donovan McNabb, referred to by yahoo as “not the most situationally aware fellow” was at it again. Last year we declared MCNabb the dumbest guy in the NFL when he told the world he didn’t know a game could end in a tie, but you know…Overtime isn’t for everyone. But is there any excuses for being down 10-3 with 27 seconds left in the first half, and McNabb going to the line, calling timeout after deciding that he didn't like what he saw on the Raiders' side of the ball.

You would think not. Probably a good decision…if you have any time outs left! The time out McNabb called was his forth and Philly was penalized for delay of game. So I brought an old friend who used to help me with numbers, to try and explain the number THREE to Donavon.


If you still can’t remember McNabb, just ask yourself, “How many more Super Bowl rings do the Giants have than the Eagles?” THREE!!!!

Week 5 Recap: Better late then never

Browns 6-3 over Bills. BORING! 3 field goals. Bills are 1-6 and lost to a team with 10 straight losses. And you wonder why their home games are being exported to Toronto. Don’t worry though, Alex Trebek, Shania Twain, bacon, hockey…all Canadian. (Who doesn't love Alex Trebek!!!)



Looks like Pittsburgh is (almost) back! Ben Roethlisberger had a season-high three touchdowns passes through three quarters. The Defense had seven sacks in the game, and a forced a fumble. And held off their opponent in the final minutes of the 4th to win 28-20. But the Steelers were playing the Detroit Lions! Yeah, they aren’t back…barely squeaking passed the Lions in the 4th is as good as a loss.

I am starting a movement to change Sunday to Manning Day. Eli Manning lead the Giants to a 44-7 win over Oakland. Yeah, I know it's only the Raiders, but the G-men put in their back-ups in the second quarter! If you don’t like the Giants, its okay…you can just call us “Five and Oh!” And in case you were forgetting what Peyton Manning looks like, he was on Prime Time for the 3rd time this season (its only week 5) leading the Colts 31-9 over the Titans. The Titans, a sad “ohhhhhh” and five, with Big bro Manning joining his brother in the undefeated. They make it look so easy.

Sunday also marked the return of McNabb to the arm-flapping, football experiment, currently known as, the Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles defeated Tampa Bay 14-33, but who will serve me my breakfast now? IHOP has oblong AFC and NFC stuffed pancakes with icing as laces, but it is my firm belief that Donovon McNabb should carry nothing in the shape of a football. Waffle please.



How long do you have to be in the NFL to be a veteran? I know he hasn’t been around that long, but they keep referring to Tony Romo’s inability to make plays as “rookie mistakes!” Come on! The guy has been in the NFL for 6 years. Sure he hasn’t been around as long as Favre, but it is time to take the training wheels off big boy! You just suck! The Cowgirls served the Chiefs their 28th loss in 30 games, 26-20, but had to go all the way to OT, to do it. (Looks like the Cowgirls will have plenty of time to raise the tv in their new stadium…during the playoffs, when their stadium is empty!)

Speaking of the “F-word” Guess who turned FORTY! That’s right. None other then the NFL’s favorite grey-haired, overrated, won’t get off my tv, retiring, unretiring, cry-baby, Brett “where the h*ll am I going to play this season” Favre. Yup, he is 40! That means he could have fathered his Jets replacement Mark Sanchez, Chad Henne, Matt Stafford and Matt Ryan and those are only quarterbacks…that I could think of quickly. And since he’s old, we have to pretend that everyone of his wins (and every freakin play) is a big one. So I am not surprised to hear how that Vikings crushed the St. Louis Rams, leaving out that the Rams are on a 15 game losing streak. You are still old, Favre! 38-10, Favres over Rams.



I turned on the Denver- New England game and had no clue who was playing. Not only because the Broncos wore mustard-yellow uniforms and the Patriots has scary muscle guys on their white helmets, but because since when does a Broncos QB go 35-48 for 321 yards (I guess since it stopped being Jay Cutler) and Tom Brady is no…Tom Brady! Looks like Mr. 18 and 1, never returned from his injury…or honeymoon. These old Pats just aint what they used to be. Denver over New England in OT, 17-20.

Chad Henne made his debut to quiet the Mark Sanchez bandwagon. The Jets were calling the team under Mark the Jet’s “Sanchise.” I wouldn’t be too quick to make T-shirts…we all know what happened under “Broadway Brett!” Unless of course, they look like this:



The Jets had Braylon Edwards and two fake punts fooled the Dolphins. But Miami had the wildcat, and it was the real wildcat…not that scared kitten stuff the Eagles run! With 10 seconds left in the game, Phins in the Red, RAN THE BALL…to win the game. 27-31, Miami.

NFL Recap: Week One

The only thing longer then the Thursday night NFL Kickoff Game was the intro to the Thursday night NFL Kickoff Game. After what seemed like hours of “EA Sports presentations” including Tim McGraw and the Black Eyes Peas, the Steelers and the Titans finally took the field to kick off the best season of the year…football season.

The Titans were the last team to beat the Steelers in a game that ended with the Titans stomping on Terrible Towels. Not this time! Santonio Holmes had 9 catches for 131 yards and one touchdown…exactly what he had as the MVP of the Super Bowl and it looked like the Steelers were going to pull the plug on the Titans, who just wouldn’t die, until Hines Ward fumbled on the Titans 4 yard line with under a minute to go, sending the game into OT. After winning the toss, the Steelers kicked a field goal on first down, to win the game 10-13.

However, the biggest loss in the game was not to the Titans, but when Troy Polamalu was forced to leave the game with a left knee injury. The Steelers are shaking it off, but, no matter what you say Pittsburgh, you are not fooling me. Regardless of how the Steelers want to play it, or how long he is out, they will feel it. We know Troy is more to the Steelers than just his long tousseled hair.



Miami played Atlanta in the Dome and the picture says it all. The Dolphins laid down and the Falcons danced all over them. A pair of touchdown passes for Matty Ice and 4 turnovers for the Dolphins, looked like a shut out until Ricky Williams put up 6 for the Dolphins late in the 4th. 7-19, Atlanta.

But it’s okay Miami, just point at St. Louis and say, “at least we aren’t them!” The Rams did get shut out and looked like the same old 2-14 Rams of last season, against my favorite blue-eyed baldy and the Seattle Seahawks. Matt Hasselbeck, missed 9 games last season and came back just in time to send the Rams back to St. Louis without a single point. The only time the Seahawks beat a team by more than 28 pts was when they beat the Eagles 38-0 in 1998. (No, I never miss a chance to take a shot at the Eagles!). 0-28, Seattle.

Broncos- Bengals game in Cincinnati was a sleeper until Brandon Stokley's touchdown reception with 11 seconds remaining which game off a tipped ball and resulted in 87-yards, where Stokely ran along the end zone to run out the clock before stepping in for 6. Final, a riveting 12-7, Denver.

The Minnesota Vikings took on the Cleveland Browns (as much as one can actually “take on” the Browns) where after throwing his first touchdown pass the ESPN world stopped for just one second (more like a minute and a half) to watch 39 year old QB, Brett Favre celebrate. However, the play of the game belongs to Brady Quinn.


I wish that Quinn would just give up already. His NFL career started as we all watched him sit in an emptying room, as player after player was drafted until finally, in what seemed like a pity draft, the Cleveland Brown put an end to his embarrassment. Then his NFL starting debut was overshadowed by none other than JAY CUTLER! Then we watched him take the bench and finally, this…


You want to hang on to the ball until your arm actually moves forward or at least until there is someone around to make it look like you didn’t just drop it. Obviously, the Vikings beat the Browns, 34-20. But seriously, I am tired o hearing about Favre already. Yeah yeah, he is 100 years old and he won a football game, but it was the Browns. Do you need to see this again?


After the game, Favre went over to shake hands with his old pal, Mangini. I can only imagine how that conversation went.




I picked the Saints over the Lions this week and was a little nervous for a while, but then I remembered…it is the Detroit Lions and before I knew it, Drew Brees had thrown for six touch down passes. Two of those passes were to Jeremy Shockey, who hadn’t scored a single point since the New York Football Giants traded him. It was Matt Stafford’s first day with the big boys, and he scored his first rushing touchdown. Yay Matt! (He also had 3 interceptions.) 14-28 Saints.

Tony Romo got rid of the nagging girl and Jessica Simpson (Haha. Get it? The nagging girl was T.O.) and is a better man for both. Romo threw for his career-best 353 yards passing, and three touchdowns. Not to mention his 80-yard touchdown pass to Patrick Crayton was the longest of Romo's career. Both teams had more than 450 total yards and zero turnovers. But unfortunately the Cowgirls won, 21-34, Dallas.

There was nothing but confusion in North Carolina, as the Panthers tried every quarterback they had to no avail after Delhomme racked up his 5th turnover of the game. But perhaps the biggest confusion of the game came when ancient, I mean veteran Eagle quarterback, McNabb was crushed in the end zone (that’s why you don’t want a running quarterback), with Vick not eligible until week three, we were all left to wonder, “who the heck is that white guy playing quarterback for Philadelphia?” Kevin Kolb did nothing more than run out the clock, which probably couldn’t happen fast enough for the hopeless Panthers. 38-10, Philadelphia.

For the record, I don’t want to see anyone get hurt, ever. But if it absolutely has to be someone, McNabb is my first choice. Lets see you flap round with those broken ribs. With Vick watching from the luxury box and McNabb being old, what will the Eagles do next week?

Rookie QB, Mark Sanchez made his NFL debut against the Houston Texans (sure, give him an easy one). I am sure Sanchez owes a little bit of his win to the Texans who are consistently bad and the Jets defense who allowed Houston's offense past midfield just once in the first three quarters. (Again, some credit to the Texans for being a horrible football team). The only thing I can be sure didn’t contribute to the Jets win was Joe Namath’s pre-game pep talk with the rookie. When Sanchez asked Nameth about his first career start, Namath said, “I don’t remember.” Good talk, Joe! See ya out there!

The Redskins almost traded Campbell for a chance at Mark Sanchez. They didn’t and kept Campbell, who apparently just isn’t Mark Sanchez, enough. The New York Football Giants racked my nerves for 4 quarters, sending Ware inside early with a wrist injury and watching Hicks return to the game on crutches in the fourth, as usually the G-men easily moved the ball down field, but refused to deliver from the red zone. Maybe they should start taking a few delay of games from the red zone to back them up until they are comfortable. Good thing it was only the Redskins. 17-23 Giants.

Jay Cutler's comment was that "its hard to win games with three turnovers in the first half." Oh yeah, Jay. You should know because they were all yours and there were four in total! 4 picks...all thrown by you! "There were a lot of failures," Cutler said. Yes, Jay Cutler, that would be you! Sorry. Green Bay over Chicago, 15-21.

Peyton Manning tied the franchise record for victories, in a win over Jacksonville. 12-14 Colts. (I forgot about this game and went back and added it. Sorry Peyton.)

And the question of the week. How do the defending NFC Champions lost to the San Francisco 49ers? (How does anyone lose to the 49ers?) 20-16, San Fran over Arizona.
Tonight we find out if Brady still has what it takes to go 18 and 1, when the Patriots play the Bills on MNF.

San Diego takes on Oakland, I guess. But I am not staying up to watch that and will check out the highlights, if there are any. (I took San Diego in this game, actually, so GO CHARGERS!)

Final Week in Regular Season Recap: "Jenny Says"

The final week in the NFL always has a bunch of games that mean nothing and no one cares about, so to talk about all of them would be a waste of time. So I have decided that for this weeks recap, we are going to play a little game you may be familiar with called "Jenny says..." (yeah, just like the song) This is how it works, it is kinda like Simon Says only totally different. I think you will get it. There were 2 major "stars" this week in the NFL, see if you can figure who they were.

Jenny says, "Raise your hand if you completed less than 50% of your passes this week!"



Jenny says, "Raise your hand if you turned the ball over more than three times this week!"



Jenny says, "Raise your hand if your team if not going to the play-offs and it is all your fault!"



Jenny says, "Just stand in front of the mic and look like the Perdue Chicken Guy if you won as many NFL games this season as she did and that your future role as a coach in the NFL is the same as hers!"


Jenny says, "Shed a tear if you are an overage cry baby whose team wishes they had never traded away their quarterback for because now that guy is going to the playoffs and they aren’t."


Jenny says, "Keep crying if you were to retire now the last thing you did as an NFL player was throw an interception to keep your team from going to the playoffs!"


Jenny says, "Cry if a coach got fired just for hiring you as the teams quarterback!"

Jenny says, "Look like a sore loser if you ran off the field and refused to shake Chad Penningtons hand after he beat you for a spot in the playoffs and made a fool of you on National TV!"


The Eagles needed a miracle to go to the play offs and they got it.
Buc lost to the Raiders, 24-31.
Giants lost to the Vikings, 19-20.
Bear lost to the Texans 34-21.
Everyone of those games were upsets and everyone of them were needed for the Eagles to go to the playoffs. McNabb only had to complete 12 passes to get there because the Cowgirls had 5 turnovers, to lose 44-6.

Chad Pennington and the Miami Dolphins had the biggest come back season, winning ten games more than the Dolphins did last year to take a spot in the playoffs, over Brett Favre.

Week Sixteen Recap Quickie: Merry Xmas Giants Fans!

Shhhh....you hear that?

That is right! You can hear it clearly now that all those haters are quiet.
On Sunday Night, the WORLD CHAMPION NY FOOTBALL GIANTS clinched the number one playoff spot and secured home-field advantage for its entirety. Giants fans have been emailing me disappointed that I didn’t post this week and asking me if I watched the game. Did I watch the game? Ha!
In the history of the NFL, three teams have had two running backs rush for 1,000 yards in the same season. The NY Giants plan to make that four teams with Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward. A bum knee can’t hold down Jacobs, who already has 1,089 yards. And his buddy Ward is only 52 yards from reaching 1,000 yards after rushing for a legend...wait for it....dary...215 yards to beat the Carolina Panthers in OT Sunday, 34-28.
*Note: The Giants game against the Vikings means NADA to New York, once Ward gets his 52 yards he will be joining the rest of the first string on the bench. Merry Christmas, Minnesota.

Sorry, Its Christmas for me too, so no full recap this week.

Letters to Santa from NFC East

Week Fifteen in the NFL Recap

*I know as so many of you reminded me, week 16 starts tomorrow, but it is hard to write a football blog when your team fails to score a single TD. Gimme a break and enjoy.

As I am sure you know by now, I am a Giants fan. That is the World Champion New York Football Giants, I am referring to, by the way.
As you also know the Giants (up until recently) have had a stellar 2008 season as the reigning Super Bowl Champions and I have loved every minute of every opportunity I have had to rub their eleven wins in the face of World Champion doubters.
However, it appears, they have now reverted to mediocre football and a questionable effort, at best. So it is only fair, that I address their shortcomings, as I would for others.
In the last two games, I have watched the G-men flop around on the football field like last years Dolphins(maybe not that bad…). It is true that the World Champions have been faced with many obstacles in the past weeks, from the Plaxico Burress foolishness to the injury of Brandon Jacobs, but even though I love my Giants, does that really excuse the lack of offensive touchdowns and Eli Manning being sacked 8 times? How many touchdown passes do you expect from a QB lying flat on his back? Where was the O-line that only allowed 15 sacks all season?
Well, I hate to provide another excuse for the G-men under performing, but it appears that Tony Romo and the Cowgirls may have taken advantage of the Giants off-field distractions and provided a little distraction of their own.
Sun-sentinal reported that security at the Stadium had to remove a female fan who was wearing a rather 'racy' Santa outfit and carrying inappropriate signs. Security said that there were children present at the game and her fishnet stockings, bathing suit bottom and high-heeled boots were not suitable for their viewing. The girls response, "you couldn't even see my underwear!" (Yes, that is what she actually said.) Who was this distraction?

(http://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/sfl-ginstfan08,0,5429105.story)
*Note, this actually took place at the Eagles-Giants game in New York, where it was, probably about 20 degrees.
Giants disgraced themselves against the Cowgirls this week, 20-8.

Well, at least we are not the Washington Redskins, right? This Thursday, the 'Skins fumbled their way to a loss against the Cincinnati Bengals. Eleven other teams managed to beat the Bengals, by doing the only thing you have to do, in order to beat them...showing up! Washington just couldn't hang on to the ball, fumbling like a team of 'Tony Romo's in the post season.' The Bengals racked up Big win number 2 and the Skin's fall to 7 and irrelevant. (See ya next season, guys!)

Speaking of irrelevant.
Seattle 23- St. Louis 20.
San Diego 22- Kansas City 21
Philadelphia 30, Cleveland 10.


Actually, I had a request for San Diego, Kansas City. So lets talk about how the Chiefs managed to blow a 21-3 lead, which they were still holding in the 3rd.
After a field goal, the struggling Chargers placed their post season prayers on an onside kick and the football gods were listening. After the ball bounced of the chest of a KC Chief, the Chargers recovered and marched right into the end zone, scoring a touchdown, they couldn’t manage to score the entire game. However, it appeared there was a football god who had the Chiefs in this weeks football pool, because KC got the ball back with plenty of time and a delay of game penalty put them within field goal range. However, only one teams prayers could be answered and it looks like the Bolts prayed harder because the ball was shanked to the left, and after a 21-3 lead, Chiefs lost to Chargers, 22-21.

But that wasn’t the biggest “oops” of the week...
Buffalo Bills lead the New York Bretts with 1:54 on the clock. Buffalo with the ball had to complete one simple task to win the game and knock Blubbering Brett Favre out of the AFC South play-off spot...run out the clock. Hold on tight to the ball and run it. But instead Buffalo decided to opt for the pass, and a ticket home. Instead of running out the clock, Losman fumbled the ball (See Tony Romo in NFC Championship game), which was recovered by a Jet, who fumbled the ball toward the end zone, picked up by another Jet, who was pushed into the end zone by a tackle from a Bill. It was what I am sure Brett Favre would describe as a tear-jerking play for both teams. Bretts over Bills, 31-27.


Indy v. Detroit was half relevant. Peyton Manning showed his obvious favorites and through for 142 yards to Clark and 104 yards to Wayne. Leading the Colts to their seventh straight win and making them a serious post season, Super Bowl contender. As for their opponents...well, we will all be hearing about Detroit in the post-season...everyone will be calling them with trades to secure their uncontested number one draft pick. 21-31, Indy.


Bear beat the Saints in the Dome. It was a rough day for the Saints, who despite allowing 2 kick returns for touchdowns, hung on for over time where, PENN STATER, Robbie Gould kicked one through the uprights to win by three. Bears over Saints, 27-24.
Same deal in the other Dome, where this time the home team took the 3 point over time lead to win. Atlanta and Tampa Bay battled out the lead for both the game and the NFC wild card spot, both teams now 9-5, but the Falcons took home the W. (Well, they were already home, but you know what I mean. ) 10-13, Falcons.

Oops. Did I miss Green Bay and Jacksonville on my list of irrelevants? Add Jacksonville 20, Green Bay 13, to the “who cares?” column.

Wow. There are still a lot of games left to talk about. Long week.

Minnesota Vikings beat the Arizona Cardinals, 35-14. Perhaps I should say Adriene Peterson beat the Arizona Cards. Sure Minnesota’s QB, whatever his name is, threw for 4 TD’s but it was Peterson’s 165 yards rushing that got them there. I wonder, (Giants included), do teams really watch game tape? If you opponent has one player and one play...shouldn’t your game plan be, “shut him down?” Another reason, I should be the NFL’s first female coach...well, I guess, I would be the second, after this one:


Baltimore played Pittsburgh and you would think that with the amount of drama involved...that the Cowgirls were playing. What exactly are the rules of football? The winning TD was scared when Holmes caught the ball with 2 feet in the end zone but the ball outside the end zone. Being ruled a TD, the Ravens challenge was unsuccessful, because there was no conclusive evidence to overturn the call, but had it been called “No TD” that also would have stood. Huh? What the really mean is the referees stood in a circle saying “Did the ball break the plane? Did it not break the plane? Wait! Does it even have to break the plan? I don’t know. Do you? Anyone have a rule book.?” And when the 90 seconds allowed for review was up, they had no answer and the play stood as called. Drama didn’t end there, after the game the Steelers celebrated like they won the Super Bowl, telling the Ravens they were the #1 defense. (Who cares, by the way?) Ray Lewis said “they only had one drive, they didn’t make plays all game.” to which Holmes said “we made plays when it counted!” Again, WHO CARES? Regardless of who made what play when and if it was even in compliance with the NFL rules, Pittsburgh won 13-9.

New England beat Oakland 49-26, but me and nine friends can beat Oakland (yeah, I know that only equals ten, I am trying to help the Raiders out.) So the real point of this game is, who the heck in the AFC East is going to the playoffs? There is a 3-way tie and the only thing that is for sure is that Brett Favre will cry. (You thought I was going to say Buffalo isn’t going, huh? Well, that is also true.)

The other AFC East playoff spot contender is the surprising Miami Dolphins. They continue to play ugly but extremely efficient football. Never scoring a single point more than they have to the Dolphins defense beat the Niners 14-9. The only stand out performance was the one Joey Porter gave in support of Plaxico Burress’s gun toting philosophy.

Porter carries a gun himself and thinks that all NFL players need to protect themselves by carrying a weapon. Maybe you are right, Mr. Porter. Maybe we are being too hard on Plax, but before you lead your crusade to change the NFL to National Firearms League, allow me to remind you, Plaxico is allowed to carry a weapon, he just has to also carry a permit and registration...and if he would like to use it to shoot himself in the leg, far be it of us to stop him, but me must do so in a location where he does not place those who want to keep their limbs, in danger. To put it simply...

Week Fourteen in the NFL Recap

It is only fair: Yes, I watched the Giants' game this week. They played like...like the Oakland Raiders, out there. Dropped passes, missed tackles. They didn't cover Brian Westbrook!! How could they not cover Brian Westbrook? The Eagles only have one play! Nothing went right for the G-men. Hixon played in the place of Burress and perhaps, in an exhausted attempt to prove they didn't need Plax, the offense forced the ball to Hixon, who dropped a pass that hit him in the chest and would have otherwise, been a touchdown. The Eagles ran the same play over and over. Donovan McNabb played his usual B.S. football and still the Giants didn't catch on. What happened out there guys? 20-14, Philly.

Despite losing to the Eagles, joke of a football team, the Giants clinched the NFC playoff spot this week at 11-2. And in response to McNabb's taunting and waving at the Giants' fans, Eli has this to say (If you can't read it, click on the letter):


The Chargers played the Raiders. Normally, I would say nothing more about these teams, but this game contained a few significant events for Los Angeles Oakland and San Diego; It marked the second win, in seven games for the Chargers, of course, it was against the Oakland Raiders, but a W is a W! Right? L.T. is back, with 91 yards rushing, compared to last weeks 24 and Rivers threw 3 touchdown passes. Jamarcus Russell was carted of the field in the second quarter, but I am not sure if he was hurt or embarrassed, because he did have 2 interceptions and a fumble right before this alleged injury and he is an abnormally large QB, you'd think he wouldn't be easily injured...unless of course that injury was to his ego. (How much "ego" do you really have left at 3-10?) 34-7, Chargers.

The Jags continue to be the biggest flop in the NFL this year (we never thought the Lions were going anywhere) with their fourth straight loss being to the Chicago Bears. At the beginning of the seasons, everyone thought that Jacksonville was going somewhere, and they still are; They're going home in three weeks. The Bears didn't look so bad out there, too bad their playoff hopes were contingent upon the Detroit Lions beating Minnesota. Seriously, the Lions! You can't imagine they were too hopeful, right? 23-10 Chicago.

I would like to thank Pittsburgh for contributing to the New York Football Giants NFC East Champion-dom, by exposing Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowgirls for the fumbling fools that they are. Tony Romo threw 3 interceptions and one of them, in true Romo, 44% passer rating fashion, was to lose the game. PICTURE THIS: Game is tied up at 13, 2 minutes left on the clock. Dallas has the ball. 2nd and 8. Romo is back to pass...short one, up the middle, PICK SIX! If you missed it, it looked something like this:


The Tennessee Titans remain with just one loss. Despite 3 turnovers, they beat the Brown's this week, who if you remember are playing with "Whatever Happened to" Ken Dorsey. (Yes, that explains the win, despite the 2 turnovers). Highlights? Cleveland finished the game with 178 offensive yards...total! Chris Johnson alone, finished with 136 yards rushing for the Titans. Ken Dorsey had 5 less yards passing than Kerri Collins, but made twice as many attempts. In case you were wondering, that is what happened to Ken Dorsey. 28-9, Titans.

Perhaps the best game to watch this Sunday was Atlanta @ New Orleans. Each team finished with exactly 414 offensive yards. Matt Ryan continued to play like, Rookie of the year with 313 yards passing. The game was close for each of the 4 quarters. But a court ruling put some of the Saints back on the field and the second year, undrafted RB, Pierre Thomas (I guess the "Sissy name rule" doesn't apply to him) had 102 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns, to lead the Saints over the Falcons, 29-25.

Matt Schaub marked his return to the field with 414 yards passing, in Green Bay. It was cold for the Texans and Matt wore a brace on his leg, but the only Houston mistake was a fumbled punt return by Jacoby Jones. (Ah, there is the "sissy name rule" in effect!) Steve Slaton is giving Matt Ryan a run for his money at Rookie of the year, literally. Slaton had 120 yards rushing (10 less than last week). The best play by Houston however, came from Punter, Matt Turk, who improvised, what looked like his own punt-fake call. After receiving the snap, it appeared that Turk was thinking "Hey, you know, I always wanted to run a fake punt and they never let me, I think I will run one now!" However, there was no audible by the Punter. It turns out that Turk had no choice but to run with the ball to avoid a blocked punt and in fear for his life, he ran for an 18 yard gain. "I was running for my life, I tell you! That's when I run fastest: when someone is chasing me." Punters are so cute and fragile.

The Dolphins are not going down without a fight. This week, Miami played Buffalo in Toronto, Canada. I would love to seize the opportunity to insert a Canada joke here, but to be honest, I don't know a single thing about Canada, other than I have no need or desire to go there. There were no stand out offensive players, in the game but, the Miami defense held Buffalo to a single field goal, to sweep the Bills and keep their dim playoff hopes alive. 16-3, Miami.


Are those tears I see there, Fav-ruh? Well, this week you cry with good reason. Brett Favre was 20/31 for 137 yards, ZERO touchdowns and 1 interception...AGAINST THE NINERS! The Jets had 182 offensive yards, AGAINST THE NINERS! The Jets were dominated in every statistical category, AGAINST THE NINERS! Are you getting the picture? 24-14, NINERS!

I feel sorry for Seattle, every time I see them play. Seneca Wallace threw for 3 touchdowns and had no interceptions, but they still couldn't catch a break. Wes Walker broke out 134 yards receiving for the Pats and helped Matt Cassel convert a two point conversion to give New England a 3 point lead over the 'Hawks. Ddespite stepping up at QB this week, a Wallace fumble allowed New England to run out the clock, hanging on to that 3 point lead and beating Seattle, 24-21.

I know I usually refer to the Denver Broncos game only by Jay Cutler's performance, and this week is no different. In the Broncos domination over the. remnants of a football team. we refer to as the Kansas City Chiefs, Jay Cutler completed passes to 8 different receivers and 2 for touchdowns. I hope you didn't want more highlights cause they played the Chiefs. I think you know what happened. 24-17, Denver.

Arizona clinched their division this week with an easy win over the St. Louis Rams. Again, not sure you are expecting any highlights...it was the St. Louis Rams. 34-10, Cards.

Washington doesn't want to give that last place spot in the NFC East to the Eagles without a fight. Campbell did his part in the quest for last place with two interceptions and Portis added a fumble. But let's not discredit the Raven's defense which finally showed why they are ranked so highly...or maybe only one player should be ranked that highly. The Ravens defense consists of one man, Ed Reed. Reed had both interceptions, forced a fumble and had six tackles and a sack, holding Clinton Portis to 32 yards rushing and single handedly beating the Redskins. 24-10, Ed Reed over Washington.

I forgot about the Colts. It was probably because they were just the latest team to give an old-fashion beat down to the Bengals. Three touchdown passes for this Manning brother, this week, and four turnovers by Cincy put Indy on top, 35-3.

Something else I forgot:
INTERESTING YET USELESS NFL FACT:
Almost every game you hear the announcer say something like, "the Giants are undefeated against the Eagles when wearing their throwback jersey." (which they never wear) Who cares? No one. But they still put it on the screen. So this week, I have one. I watched ALL of the 1:00 games this Sunday, at the same time and at 1:47 pm (EST), exactly three things happened, AT THE SAME TIME:


1. Derrick Ward, FUMBLE! (GIANTS v.Eagles)
2. Own Daniels, FUMBLE! (TEXANS v. Packers)
3. Dallas Clark, FUMBLE! (COLTS v. Bengals)
Obviously, those pictures are not the actual fumbles, especially since Ward's elbow is down and he is still in possession. But if you doubt me, go ahead and check the game recaps and play by plays. They all fumbled, at the EXACT SAME TIME!

MNF:
Jonathon Stewart had 115 yards rushing for the Carolina Panthers and he was SECOND to DeAngelo Williams, who had ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT SIX YARDS RUSHING! 2 touchdowns for each of them. (DO YOU HEAR THAT GIANTS??? WORK ON THAT RUSH DEFENSE!!!)Antonio Bryant had 200 yards receiving for the Bucs, but it just wasn't enough. Carolina over Tampa Bay, 38-23.

Week Thirteen in the NFL Recap

One down two more to go. Looks like after Plaxico’s latest display of stupidity the Giants said “Screw this Pilgrims and Indians Thanksgiving stuff!” and showed no mercy to the Redskins of Washington. Thanksgiving was over and so was the time to play nice. The WORLD CHAMPION NY FOOTBALL GIANTS played as if Burress was already on the Dallas Cowgirl’s Roster of Criminals. The Redskins put “eight and nine men in the box,” but they were no match for Eli who threw his career high 239 yards in the first half and Derrick Ward who had a career high 75 yards receiving. 23-7, Giants.

Awwww, Come on! It's cute! He has 8 Redskins in the box! :)

What can I say about a game where the winning team has only 195 TOTAL yards? Marshawn Lynch had 134 yards rushing for Buffalo; that is only 60 yards less than the Niners had, total and only 35 yards less than Hill (Niner’s QB- its okay, I didn’t know who he was either) had passing. So how in the world did the Bills lose this game? Well, 4 of their trips to the Red Zone yielded a combined total of ZERO points. It didn’t help that Rian Lindell, missed TWO kicks and one from 20-yards out. See moms, that’s what happens when you try to give your kids girly names like Sage or cutesy spellings like R-I-A-N...they SUCK at football! Ryan is spelled with a “y.” Niners over Bills, 10-3.

The Niner’s lack of offensive yardage was nothing compared to the 155 yards racked up by Cincy, however the Bengals were the losing team. Unlike the Bills, the Baltimore Ravens took advantage of their opponent's complete lack of football skills and racked up 450 yards of offense, throwing in a touchdown pass by wide receiver, Mark Clayton for show. Willis McGahee was active but didn’t play. I am sure they were thinking one of two things, “Ahhh, we are playing the Bengals, just put anybody in...” or “Hey guys, wanna screw with some fantasy teams?” Either way, they didn’t need him. 34-3, Ravens. (Note: since getting spanked by the Giants, the Ravens now have the NUMBER TWO defense in the NFL as opposed to number one).


Marcus Colston had 106 yards receiving for the Saints....
Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Drew Brees had 3 interceptions and the running game wasn’t available for this game. Reggie Bush returned for 3 rushing attempts but broke even at 0 total yards. Garcia sucks, I don’t care if the Bucs are 9-3. Defense won this game for Tampa Bay, holding the Saints to 2.4 yard per carry. 23-20, Bucs.

Field goals and defense. What else is new in a game played by the Miami Dolphins? A win is a win but, my God are they boring! The most interesting part of the Miami-St. Louis game was betting how many more interceptions Marc Bulger could throw; I was disappointed to see him stop at 3, I thought he had a few more in him. There were 7 successful field goals in the game and the final score was 16-12, Miami, so if you didn’t watch it, you missed nothing.


Since we are already on the subject of boring. I am stripping Peyton Manning of all of his movie covers. He can keep doing commercials though, I wouldn’t deny myself those! He is hilarious! What isn’t funny, are his stats for Sunday’s game against the Browns. Peyton “the lesser” Manning was 15/21 for 125 yards, 0 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. Lucky for the NFL’s funny man, that’s all you need to beat the Brown’s these days. (Shut up! I know they beat the Giants.) By the way, Did anyone ever wonder what happened to Ken Dorsey? You know the University of Miami quarterback that was a Heisman candidate the same year as Larry Johnson, Willis McGahee, and Carson Palmer? Well, he plays..or sits, 4th string,for the Browns now. SUCKERS! He came in long enough to throw 3 incomplete passes and an interception. 10-6, Colts.

I am not sure where Green Bay didn’t catch on, but it is obvious that the Carolina Panthers have 2 plays. Option 1: Throw to Steve Smith, who had 60% of the total yards receiving. Option 2: Run DeAngelo Williams, who had 4 rushing touchdowns. It never occurred to the Green Bay defense to shut those two down and, hey, if it works, keep doing it. For that reason, despite dominating the clock and total yardage, the Packers lost to the Panthers 31-35.

Atlanta played a sloppy game with 3 turnovers, but it was enough for cute little Matt Ryan and the Falcons to beat the worst passing defense in the NFL, San Diego Chargers. Phillip Rivers had no touchdowns at home for the first time this season. It looked like Turner who used to sit the bench behind Tomlinson was taking some notes, and had 120 yards rushing against LT’s 24. Congrats to the Falcons, this week marks them winning twice as many games as they did last season.

Jay Cutler is a complicated man. Last week he got embarrassed by, none other then, the Oakland Raiders and this week, he’s 27/43 for 357 yards and 2 touchdowns. (He also had 1 interception but since he made Brett Favre cry, we will let it slide!) Yes, Brett Fav-ruh did complete one interception but no touch down passes...and the Broncos did trample the Bretts 34-17...but what would be the fun in beating the Jets without a few tears from our favorite NFL cry baby?

In Brett's defense, maybe his skirt was riding up or his legs were cold!

In case you were wondering, those were Aaron Rodgers's legs I used!

FIVE turnovers for New England lead the Steeler’s to an upset win, over the Patriots. The Steelers sacked Cassel five times and forced two fumbles. In Cassel’s defense, Moss dropped 2 possible touchdowns passes that hit him right in the numbers. Maybe it was the pressure of replacing Brady after 2 consecutive 400 plus yard games, or maybe the receivers couldn’t handle the weather, either way the Pats were 1 for 13 on 3rd down and the Steeler’s were ready for them. 33-10, Pittsburgh.

Kansas City played Oakland. 20-13, Chiefs.


Kyle Orton played terribly with 3 interceptions but not bad enough to see the return of Sexy Rexy. He did have 2 touchdown passes, but that was the beginning and the end of anything for the Bears. Adrian Peterson had 131 yards rushing, Bernard Berrian had 122 yards receiving and 4 different Vikings scored touchdowns, leading Minnesota over Chicago, 34-14.