Week Fifteen in the NFL Recap

*I know as so many of you reminded me, week 16 starts tomorrow, but it is hard to write a football blog when your team fails to score a single TD. Gimme a break and enjoy.

As I am sure you know by now, I am a Giants fan. That is the World Champion New York Football Giants, I am referring to, by the way.
As you also know the Giants (up until recently) have had a stellar 2008 season as the reigning Super Bowl Champions and I have loved every minute of every opportunity I have had to rub their eleven wins in the face of World Champion doubters.
However, it appears, they have now reverted to mediocre football and a questionable effort, at best. So it is only fair, that I address their shortcomings, as I would for others.
In the last two games, I have watched the G-men flop around on the football field like last years Dolphins(maybe not that bad…). It is true that the World Champions have been faced with many obstacles in the past weeks, from the Plaxico Burress foolishness to the injury of Brandon Jacobs, but even though I love my Giants, does that really excuse the lack of offensive touchdowns and Eli Manning being sacked 8 times? How many touchdown passes do you expect from a QB lying flat on his back? Where was the O-line that only allowed 15 sacks all season?
Well, I hate to provide another excuse for the G-men under performing, but it appears that Tony Romo and the Cowgirls may have taken advantage of the Giants off-field distractions and provided a little distraction of their own.
Sun-sentinal reported that security at the Stadium had to remove a female fan who was wearing a rather 'racy' Santa outfit and carrying inappropriate signs. Security said that there were children present at the game and her fishnet stockings, bathing suit bottom and high-heeled boots were not suitable for their viewing. The girls response, "you couldn't even see my underwear!" (Yes, that is what she actually said.) Who was this distraction?

(http://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/sfl-ginstfan08,0,5429105.story)
*Note, this actually took place at the Eagles-Giants game in New York, where it was, probably about 20 degrees.
Giants disgraced themselves against the Cowgirls this week, 20-8.

Well, at least we are not the Washington Redskins, right? This Thursday, the 'Skins fumbled their way to a loss against the Cincinnati Bengals. Eleven other teams managed to beat the Bengals, by doing the only thing you have to do, in order to beat them...showing up! Washington just couldn't hang on to the ball, fumbling like a team of 'Tony Romo's in the post season.' The Bengals racked up Big win number 2 and the Skin's fall to 7 and irrelevant. (See ya next season, guys!)

Speaking of irrelevant.
Seattle 23- St. Louis 20.
San Diego 22- Kansas City 21
Philadelphia 30, Cleveland 10.


Actually, I had a request for San Diego, Kansas City. So lets talk about how the Chiefs managed to blow a 21-3 lead, which they were still holding in the 3rd.
After a field goal, the struggling Chargers placed their post season prayers on an onside kick and the football gods were listening. After the ball bounced of the chest of a KC Chief, the Chargers recovered and marched right into the end zone, scoring a touchdown, they couldn’t manage to score the entire game. However, it appeared there was a football god who had the Chiefs in this weeks football pool, because KC got the ball back with plenty of time and a delay of game penalty put them within field goal range. However, only one teams prayers could be answered and it looks like the Bolts prayed harder because the ball was shanked to the left, and after a 21-3 lead, Chiefs lost to Chargers, 22-21.

But that wasn’t the biggest “oops” of the week...
Buffalo Bills lead the New York Bretts with 1:54 on the clock. Buffalo with the ball had to complete one simple task to win the game and knock Blubbering Brett Favre out of the AFC South play-off spot...run out the clock. Hold on tight to the ball and run it. But instead Buffalo decided to opt for the pass, and a ticket home. Instead of running out the clock, Losman fumbled the ball (See Tony Romo in NFC Championship game), which was recovered by a Jet, who fumbled the ball toward the end zone, picked up by another Jet, who was pushed into the end zone by a tackle from a Bill. It was what I am sure Brett Favre would describe as a tear-jerking play for both teams. Bretts over Bills, 31-27.


Indy v. Detroit was half relevant. Peyton Manning showed his obvious favorites and through for 142 yards to Clark and 104 yards to Wayne. Leading the Colts to their seventh straight win and making them a serious post season, Super Bowl contender. As for their opponents...well, we will all be hearing about Detroit in the post-season...everyone will be calling them with trades to secure their uncontested number one draft pick. 21-31, Indy.


Bear beat the Saints in the Dome. It was a rough day for the Saints, who despite allowing 2 kick returns for touchdowns, hung on for over time where, PENN STATER, Robbie Gould kicked one through the uprights to win by three. Bears over Saints, 27-24.
Same deal in the other Dome, where this time the home team took the 3 point over time lead to win. Atlanta and Tampa Bay battled out the lead for both the game and the NFC wild card spot, both teams now 9-5, but the Falcons took home the W. (Well, they were already home, but you know what I mean. ) 10-13, Falcons.

Oops. Did I miss Green Bay and Jacksonville on my list of irrelevants? Add Jacksonville 20, Green Bay 13, to the “who cares?” column.

Wow. There are still a lot of games left to talk about. Long week.

Minnesota Vikings beat the Arizona Cardinals, 35-14. Perhaps I should say Adriene Peterson beat the Arizona Cards. Sure Minnesota’s QB, whatever his name is, threw for 4 TD’s but it was Peterson’s 165 yards rushing that got them there. I wonder, (Giants included), do teams really watch game tape? If you opponent has one player and one play...shouldn’t your game plan be, “shut him down?” Another reason, I should be the NFL’s first female coach...well, I guess, I would be the second, after this one:


Baltimore played Pittsburgh and you would think that with the amount of drama involved...that the Cowgirls were playing. What exactly are the rules of football? The winning TD was scared when Holmes caught the ball with 2 feet in the end zone but the ball outside the end zone. Being ruled a TD, the Ravens challenge was unsuccessful, because there was no conclusive evidence to overturn the call, but had it been called “No TD” that also would have stood. Huh? What the really mean is the referees stood in a circle saying “Did the ball break the plane? Did it not break the plane? Wait! Does it even have to break the plan? I don’t know. Do you? Anyone have a rule book.?” And when the 90 seconds allowed for review was up, they had no answer and the play stood as called. Drama didn’t end there, after the game the Steelers celebrated like they won the Super Bowl, telling the Ravens they were the #1 defense. (Who cares, by the way?) Ray Lewis said “they only had one drive, they didn’t make plays all game.” to which Holmes said “we made plays when it counted!” Again, WHO CARES? Regardless of who made what play when and if it was even in compliance with the NFL rules, Pittsburgh won 13-9.

New England beat Oakland 49-26, but me and nine friends can beat Oakland (yeah, I know that only equals ten, I am trying to help the Raiders out.) So the real point of this game is, who the heck in the AFC East is going to the playoffs? There is a 3-way tie and the only thing that is for sure is that Brett Favre will cry. (You thought I was going to say Buffalo isn’t going, huh? Well, that is also true.)

The other AFC East playoff spot contender is the surprising Miami Dolphins. They continue to play ugly but extremely efficient football. Never scoring a single point more than they have to the Dolphins defense beat the Niners 14-9. The only stand out performance was the one Joey Porter gave in support of Plaxico Burress’s gun toting philosophy.

Porter carries a gun himself and thinks that all NFL players need to protect themselves by carrying a weapon. Maybe you are right, Mr. Porter. Maybe we are being too hard on Plax, but before you lead your crusade to change the NFL to National Firearms League, allow me to remind you, Plaxico is allowed to carry a weapon, he just has to also carry a permit and registration...and if he would like to use it to shoot himself in the leg, far be it of us to stop him, but me must do so in a location where he does not place those who want to keep their limbs, in danger. To put it simply...

Mean Girls: Dallas Edition

In this new movie, the Girls of Dallas are at it again. Based on true story and recent report by ESPN, covering the cat fights and name calling in the Dallas Cowgirls high school locker room. Tony Romo has a new gal-pal and their gossiping about T.O.

Terrell Owens:


Romo and I used to be like, best friends. I can't even believe that I cried over him! Now he and Witten are Road-game roomies and spend all their time together, gossiping and telling secrets. It is sooo not fair that they are making secret plays together that I don't know about. They are only doing it because they are jealous of me and don't want to get me the ball. I am so tired of quarterbacks being jealous of me. It is, like, so last season! First McNabb and now Romo. I totally, can't help it if I am so good that no one notices them. I'll show them! Just like I did in the Pittsburgh game. Oops! Did I forget to run my route...I am so silly sometimes... I totally didn't mean for that to get intercepted. I would never want my quarterback to look bad. *giggles*

Jason Witten:

Oh...my...God! No...freakin...way! T.O. is such a drama queen. Me and Tony were friends waaay before him and T.O. Like, way back before either of us actually got any play time. Owens is just mad because he totally missed his route last game. It almost looked like he did it on purpose. What a ditz! He is so jealous of me and Tony's relationship. He needs to get over himself.

Tony Romo:

Whatever, T.O.! I can't believe him. He is just like Jessica. You spend one road game with someone else and they think that something is going on. So insecure! I am like, so totally over this! Whatever!

Bradie James:

I am the team captain, so its like my job to like keep the peace. So, when they start pulling each others hair in the locker room, I always have to break it up. I actually broke my nail once, and I was so mad at both of them. Why can't we all just be friends and go shopping like we used to?

Seriously, I can't even make this stuff up. Check out the article here.

Football Fundamentals: What is “turf toe?”

I don’t know about you, but whenever I hear that a football player is out with “turf toe,” I think “What the heck is ‘turf toe’ and how bad can it really hurt? Get out there and start playing on that million dollar contract, baby!” Then again, I have never had turf toe.

I think part of the reason I think that way is because of the name, itself, “turf toe.” Doesn’t have the same effect as “torn ACL” or “fractured tibia.” It is missing that, action word that makes you cringe. When I think turf toe, I think of things like “paper cuts” or “rug burn.” Nothing, season ending.

However, this week, I found out that Jerry Jones, also thinks that a simple toe injury shouldn’t keep a player from the field. As a matter of fact, he tore apart Marion Barber for not playing in the Dallas-Pittsburgh game with a toe injury, (as if that would have helped the Cowgirls, anyway). Jones questioned Barber’s manliness (Remember, Marion Marber, not Tiki…we all know Tiki is not a man), saying "He can play with that injured toe. He can play with the soreness and a combination of those things. I see nothing that led us to believe he couldn’t." He essentially said that Marion’s wittle boo-boo was all in his head.

Now, since I know that no one wants to be thinking the same things as Jerry Jones, I am going to dispel the rumors behind the sissiness of ‘turf toe.’

Turf toe: Turf toe is a condition of pain at the base of the big toe, located at the ball of the foot. (still sounds sissy.)

Why is it called ‘turf toe’: The name turf toe comes from the fact that this injury is especially common among athletes who play on artificial turf. It is caused by the running and jumping on a hard surface. (I guess ‘hard surface toe’ isn’t any better)
What happens to the toe in turf toe: A turf toe injury, is actually the tearing of the capsule that surrounds the joint at the base of the toe. (Ouch! Turf toe sucks!)Tearing this joint capsule can be extremely painful. Turf toe can lead to accelerated cartillege wear and hallux rigidus. (Relax, 'hallux rigidus' is not what you think, its actually, toe arthritis.)

'Tearing of the capsule that surrounds the joint of the toe'…now that sounds painful. If there is tearing, you have to mention that in the name. They could have simply called it “a torn joint capsule” and we would all be saying “Gee! I hope he is okay…” instead of, “Turf toe? Get up, pretty boy!”

I don’t know what it feels like to, tear a capsule in your toe. However, I have worn some really uncomfortable high heels which hurt my toe and the next day, walking on it made my eyes water. There is no way I could have played football on it.

So, I it appears ‘turf toe’ may be a legit pain in the foot. (Then again, if you were paying me millions of dollars, I don’t think my high heels injury would be a problem anymore.)

Marion Barber actually had a pinkie toe injury, as well as, one to his calf, which prevented him from playing against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday.
But hey, we can’t all be as tough as Jerry Jones right? Or maybe Jones doesn’t know what a toe injury feels like:


If a toe injury isn’t a legit reason to miss a game, then what is?
Well, this is the GM of the Dallas Cowgirls we are talking about, here. When it comes to the Cowgirls:

Excused Absence:

(Not my best work, but Pacman actually started as a white woman.)

Unexcused Absence:



More tips from the Genius Playbook of Jerry Jones:
If you lose an important game, make sure you alienate your star running back, by calling him a wuss, so that he is ready and willing to perform for the next, more important game!
Good plan! Go Giants!

Giants Rock Cowboys!

I worked hard on this photo-shop job and forgot to put it up yesterday!



I know that Romo didn’t play Sunday, but he’s more fun to make fun of than the old guy who QB’s for the Cowgirls now, and either way...the only thing I love more than the Giants, is the Giants rockin’ the Cowgirls!

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys

"I hope nobody sees me with these guys!"
What's Tony Romo hiding from? Maybe he doesn't want to be seen with the rest of the team!

“America’s Team” doubles as America’s Most Wanted! If the Dallas Cowboys are in town, you should be afraid. Very, very afraid (and not of their football skills)!

IMMEDIATE JOB OPENING: BODYGUARD TO PACMAN JONES’S BODYGUARD/BABYSITTER

It appears as though the bodyguard hired by the Dallas Cowboys to protect Adam “Pacman” Jones need his own bodyguard to protect himself from Pacman Jones.

In the Dallas Cowboys’ latest attempt to show the world that criminals deserve not only second chances, but third, fourth, fifth and sixth chances, Pacman was partying it up on Friday night and upon the “changing of the guards” (yes, he has a full rotation of bodyguards) Pacman’s second shift guard thought he should not be at the party. Needless to say, Pacman disagreed and, as with all things Cowgirls related, complete chaos and disorder ensued.

What exactly does Pacman Jones need protection from? Let’s call this man what he really was, not a body guard but a babysitter, hired by the Cowgirls to make sure Pacman didn’t end up in jail, AGAIN!

Jones is coming off a years suspension by the NFL for “off field conduct.” At a Las Vegas Strip Club, Pacman and his entourage (first sign of trouble, he travels with an entourage) decided to “make it rain” on a stripper. When the strippers picked up $81,000 in one dollars bills that had been thrown at her, “Jones became irate about the loss of his money, and the fact that girls were in a frenzy, picking up the money at their feet." He got angry, grabbed her hair and slammed her head against the stage. (I am far from a strip club expert, but I thought those girls were supposed to keep the money. That is why they are taking their clothes off, right?)

But it would be a shame to the criminals of cowboys past for it to stop there, so two of the men fired some gun shots and left one security guard dead and the club owner paralyzed. The best part is, Pacman claims he didn’t know those two men, who came to the club with him, sat next to him and left with him. Interesting...

This weekend, in a discussion of whether Tim Tebow was a D.B. or a nice boy, I argued for Tebow with “at least he isn’t getting arrested and in jail.” To which my opponent replied, “well then, he could just play for the Dallas Cowboys!”
Now, how can I argue with that.....




When Pacman came back to the NFL, guess who was ready to pick him up? Of Course! Who else cleans up the trash of the NFL? THE DALLAS COWGIRLS!

Now, the Cowgirls have no plans to sit Pacman in “time out” for his latest bodyguard beating offense, but I guess its what they were expecting from a guy who has been arrested 6 times and involved in 13 police related incidents since he was drafted. Which wouldn’t be nearly as bad…if he weren’t in the NFL for only 2 years!!!!! I would think you would actually have to put some effort into having a “run in” with police an average of 9.5 times a year. Where does he find the time?

What does Owner, Jerry Jones, have to say? "If I suspended Pacman Jones over something like this, I would have had to suspend half the team over the last 20 years."

Please, Jerry, you make this too easy. You can’t just concede that your team is a band of delinquints, who have to call their probation officers to travel to away games.



Please tell me what those two know about jail that the rest of us don't? With smiles like those, it looks like they want to go to jail!

Tank Johnson

Tank Johnson got arrested for possession of everything except a tank.. His first arrest was at a nightclub and he was charged with possession of a handgun, followed by aggravated assault on an officer. Tank was then arrested for possession of six unlicensed firearms, including assault rifles. The Bears finally let him go after he was arrested for every Cowgirls favorite, driving while intoxicated. The Cowboys picked him up following his suspension.


Michael Irvin

Irvin was celebrating his 30th birthday before police entered his hotel room and caught him, apparently, snorting cocaine off of a stripper’s breast. (He actually ends up being one of the more well-behaved Cowboys). He was the only one, however (that I could find a record of) assaulting a teammate during training camp when he allegedly inflicted a two-inch cut in the neck of a Dallas Cowboy guard “during a haircut.” They settled out of court.
Days before the NFC Championship, Irvin and a teammate were accused of sexually assaulting a Dallas woman, with a gun to her head and videotaping it.
*And you were mad at Tony Romo for going to Cabo??


Dwayne Goodrich

Goodrich is currently serving 12.5 years for negligent homicide resulting from a hit and run accident. When 2 kids pulled over to help a man from a burning vehicle, Goodrich struck them at 110 m.p.h and killed them both, before leaving the scene of the crime.


Larry Bethea

This Cowboy defensive lineman was arrested and later convicted of stealing $ 64,000 from his own mother. He was the SECOND Dallas Cowboy accused of stealing from their mother!

Dexter Clinkscale

Clinkscale was arrested for having sexual relations and molesting an 18-year-old boy. Perhaps, he didn’t know that 18 year olds were considered boys in Texas, but either way its disgusting and I am moving on.


Harvey Martin

This is one of my favorites. Martin was arrested three times in 5months for beating a woman. I know that isn’t funny, but the fact that his defense was....”I have been smoking crack all day” is funny!

Bob Hayes

Supposedly Mr. Hayes was so fast, he is why teams invented a zone defense. You know what makes a man run that fast? Cocaine. Bob Hayes was arrested for distributing cocaine. Wasn’t fast enough to get away from the police, huh?

I am starting to wonder if the Cowgirls used cocaine rather than chalk to line the endzone, perhaps they would have an easier time getting to it!


Lance Rentzel

Star wide receiver, Rentzel, was arrested for exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl.


Larry Bethea,

Bethea shot himself in the head before police could arrest him after he was identified as the gunman in 2 armed robberies.

Rafael Septien

Septien molested a 10 year old girl and was fined $2,000. Yeah, Dallas, that will teach him! I didn’t know a fine was an exceptable punishment for a felony, anywhere! But again, I can’t joke about kids getting molested, so moving on.

Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson

Cowboys linebacker Henderson was arrested for smoking crack with two under-aged teenage girls. He was accused of threatening them with a gun and sexually assaulting them. One of the girls was described as a “paraplegic minor.” But Henderson claims he gave the girls crack in exchange for consensual sex. There are so many things wrong with this. It is like a really sick, “how many things are wrong with this picture” game.


Nate Newton

Lineman, Nate Newton was arrested with 213 ponds of marijuana in his car. I know you are thinking “Wow! That’s a lot of drugs!” Five weeks later, he was caught transporting another 175 pounds of weed. Maybe Dallas doesn’t pay enough, cause there is no way he was smoking all of that.

Incase you were wondering how much 213 lbs of marajuana is:

This is only 33 lbs.



Adam “Pacman” Jones only weighs 185 lbs (he was carrying more than a Pacman Jones of marajuana.)



So, my question is, if as a condition of his probation, Jones can’t associate with known felons, does that mean he can’t be interviewed by Michael Irvin?

I could see this condition causing a lot of confusion on a Cowboys huddle. “But coach, I can’t huddle with him, he’s a known felon. I don’t wanna go back to jail!”
I guess that explains the new stadium....