Wildcard: Fly Eagles Fl...BANG!

There have been reports of birds mysteriously falling out of the skies and no one knows why. I’ll tell you why, the over-inflated sense of self-worth that was keeping the Eagle’s up there was just shot down by the Green Bay Packers, sending the arm-flailing, birds in green back to another year of Super Bowl-less reality.

The Eagles weren’t worried about the Pack. Cocky as always, the Eagles and their “I can see by the scoreboard that we are losing, but I think that I should make hand gestures implying that I am great, anyway” DeSean Jackson, taunted the Green Bay Packers, despite the fact that they NEVER lead the game against the NFC wildcard team. The Eagles converted just 5 of 13 first-down opportunities and David Akers missed two field goals. That pretty much was the ballgame. Oh wait! Did I mention Michael Vick's interception in the end zone on the final drive of the game?

Don’t worry Vick, I still hear the MVP chants, only they are coming from Packer fans, now!

There has been some discussion as to whether off-field stressors have gotten to Akers causing him to miss TWO field goals. Hmmm…how about the stressor of being an Eagle for 10 years and not having a Super Bowl ring? I think those two missed field goals were an intentional cry for mercy…


Maybe Mr. Akers is tired of being the bridesmaid of the NFC. The Eagle’s make it to the playoffs, but never the Super Bowl. They win some games, but never the big one. And they stand on the side, while someone else always gets the ring.
Always the bridesmaids, never the bride.

(That was hard to do. I couldn’t find a full body picture of Andy Reid. I guess the wide lens, just isn’t wide enough!)

But perhaps the best news is that Michael Vick may be writing a book! A book? Seriously? About what? ALMOST winning a playoff game? Or is this a book about his personal life? No, wait! Let me guess…a dog training manual? Come on!

Michael Vick writing a book is a punch line in itself. Isn’t he getting a little ahead of himself? Maybe he should try reading a book before he writes one because I am pretty sure the last thing Vick read was his Miranda rights.

Maybe it’ll be a picture book.


Speaking of Vick’s plans, several Eagles' fans were asking me all week “What is Eli doing on Super Bowl Sunday?” (As if the Eagle’s were going to be there…not, unless they are buying tickets, buddy!) Well, I guess he will be watching the game, just like Vick…only with a ring on his finger and three trophies in his stadium. (Except, he can go to the game without asking his probation officer for permission to leave the state).

In case Eagles fans don't know what that is...it is a SUPER BOWL RING!

So the Eagles are out and we can enjoy yet another year of reminding them that they never won a Super Bowl! But don’t worry Eagle’s fans, you can still wear your “Go Birds!” shirts because the Falcons and the Seahawks are still in it.

Yes. I said the Seahawks. I remember when the playoff’s were only for teams with winning records. Not anymore! The Seahawks at 7-9, not only made the playoffs but they actually won their division (Way to go Cards, Rams and 49ers!). With the worst record ever seen in the playoffs, they hosted the defending Super Bowls champion, Saints…and won!

The Jets played the Colts but not before Rex Ryan could remind the world what a jack ass he is. Ryan announced that no team would ever beat him twice and said that it was “personal” because he wanted to beat Peyton Manning. He has even admitted to centering his entire draft around players that could beat Peyton Manning…obsessed much?
So after calling out Peyton Manning, the Colts took the opportunity to call out Rex

Unfortunately, the Jets beat the Colts when Nick Folk made a 32-yard field goal as time expired Saturday night. (Do you think Rex Ryan gave him a nice foot rub as a reward?)

Creepy!

The win prompted Ryan to take time out of his busy foot-rubbing schedule to remind us once again, that the fact that he has never won anything as defensive coordinator or head coach, doesn’t stop him from running his big mouth.

Rex claims, his next game, against the Patriots is really a matter of “Rex Ryan vs. Bill Belichick” because their teams are equal at every position. Hmmm...is anyone drafting Mark Sanchez over Tom Brady on their fantasy team? Because Ryan’s statement is nothing short of just that…a fantasy.

Apparently, Ryan's selective memory doesn’t recall that the last time they met, Sanchez threw three interceptions and the Pats beat the Jets, 45-3. However, he does remember that Tom Brady was taunting him. “He's going to try to look at me and do what he always does and sprints off the field and all that. ... He always points after he scores to everybody. “ Ryan said.

When asked if Brady points at Ryan, personally. Ryan said, “I don’t think so. I am not as big of a target as I used to be.”

Not as big of a target? Riiiight. Neither is the Goodyear Blimp.

Ps. There is no certainty that Vick will be an Eagle again next year. I wonder how many Eagle fans who compromised their morals for a sociopathic quarterback will suddenly join the movement against animal cruelty and consider Vick a killer, if he signs with another team.

Week 14: Build me a Dome

I saw a Mark Sanchez commercial, where he said, “What powers me? Determination. A defensive line trying to put me on my back.” Good news, Sanchez. If having a d-line smash you into the turf, gives you power, you should be all powered up after this passed Sunday! The Dolphins sacked Sanchez six times. And even though the Dolphins lost 3 fumbles, had only ONE positive yard in the third quarter and only 131 yards total, we didn’t have to watch one single Jet flying around the field with his arms out like a fairy, or a plane or whatever he is supposed to be. Why is that? Because they didn’t score a single touchdown. Then, just when you thought the Patriots were the only AFC East cheaters, in the third quarter Jets Sal Alosi, New York's strength and conditioning coach, tripped Miami's Nolan Carroll while the rookie was covering a punt. Yup, the coach actually stuck his knee out as the player ran by and tripped him…during the actual punt coverage. Watch it here:



Come on, Jets! Can’t you hear the Eagles fans using this as their next excuse for Michael Vick? “We know that Vick tortured a bunch of defenseless animals, but Stallworth killed someone. We know that Vick is a psychopath, but Plaxico shot himself in the foot, he could have hurt someone… Yeah, we know Vick ran an illegal dog fighting ring, used live puppies as bait for trained killing dogs to develop a hunger for blood, but the Jets coach tripped someone. A human could have been hurt.” (My favorite is “Vick said he was sorry.” Oh well then by all mean, he must be sorry! Let him play!)

Anyway, if the Jets have any class (which is doubtful) Alosi will be leaving his parking pass and badge with security on his way out.

But not to be outdone, the Pats didn’t want to lose their solid reputation as the NFL’s biggest fraud, New England linebacker Brandon Spikes was suspended 4 games for violating the leagues performance-enhancing drug policy. Ready with an excuse the Pats claim the drug was not illegal, but medication for treatment of his attention deficit disorder. (“Vick is a killer, but Spikes took prescription drugs.”)

When asked about why he didn’t clear his attention deficit disorder meds with the NFL, Spikes replied, “ohhhh, look at the bird!”



Even without Spikes, the Patriots had no trouble with the Bears, trampling Chicago 36-7, despite the 26-degree weather and the ceaseless blizzard that took place for 4 quarters. When I saw the field, I couldn’t believe what I saw…

My shock wasn’t so much the weather, as the fact that there was that much white powder in the NFL without a Dallas Cowboy being involved.

The snow didn’t only stand in the way of the Bears; it caused the NFL to post pone the Giants-Vikings game to Monday night. Apparently, the Mall of America Stadium’s dome collapsed under the weight of the snow above. However, the Fox footage of the snow pouring onto the field through a hole in the roof looked a lot to me like the Dome is just joining the rest of us in throwing up at the news of Favre’s 297th injury of the season. Waaaaa! Waaa! Favre, even the Dome wants you out!

(Again, all that white and not a Cowboy in sight!)

Favre was wavering, as he does every week, about whether he would start against the Giants. But at this point, does anyone want him to play? The old man who cried wolf’s latest injury came after he threw one pass last week to the Buffalo Bills. The interception was Favre’s only pass before the big baby claimed to sprain his shoulder so badly he couldn’t return to the game. Good thing for the Vikings, who were losing 7-0 with Favre, went on to beat the Bills 14-38 in his absence. Sooo, did Favre really get hurt this time or did he just want to throw one pass to keep his streak going and get out of the game? (After all, everyone knows he is a team player!)

You should have saved that one pass excuse for this week Favre, considering reports claim you won’t want to be in for more than one play against the Giants defense. Line of the week: “If he plays against the Giants, it would be like feeding a wounded 41-year-old animal to a predator.” No one wants that, old man! Except maybe Eagle’s fans. (Vick might share the same mental characteristics as a serial killer, but the Giants defense beat up on elderly Brett Favre!)

Giants will take on the Vikings in Detroit, tonight and the tickets are free for those who show up. So the stadium will be filled with hoodlums and hooligans, but unlike in Cincy, they will be off the field, not on it.

On a brighter note, this weeks MVP….Jay Feely. Yes, the kicker. (Former NY Giants kicker, but don’t worry, we’ve got Tynes now! Ugh!) Normally beating the Broncos is nothing to be super excited about, however when a kicker does it on his own, it becomes worth mentioning. The Arizona kicker has 5 field goals, a rushing touch down and an extra point, to outscore Denver, 24-13 by himself. If you factor in the rest of the team the final score was 43-13, but Feely scored enough points on his own. He did miss a 45 yarder, but come on, not everyone can be as perfect as Vick. Congrats Feely, you racked up 29 fantasy points yesterday! (Does anything else really matter?)