Sounds like a celebrity children’s book, doesn’t it? “Shockey Goes to Rehab: Why Mommy won’t be home for a few months.”
This past weekend Jeremy Shockey showed party-goers that he handles his booze, like he handles a football…very poorly!
(Speaking of handles, what is that I see around your waist there, Shockster?)
Jeremy Shockey was found unconscious at Las Vegas club, Rehab, after drinking too much alcohol in the desert heat. (Fundamentals of Football: Gotta keep hydrated…guess you should’ve paid more attention at practice, mister!)
That this happened on a Sunday afternoon, doesn’t surprise me because I have always found Mr. Shockey’s decision making ability to be especially deficient on Sundays.
What does astound me is that, he was later released and said to be “in good shape.” To which my question must be, “in good shape for what?”
Unless he received liposuction, a hard core military-style workout and a miracle from God (or a complete body transplant) this man is certainly NOT in good shape for football season. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t appear to be fit for any competition that doesn’t involve him shoveling some sort of food product down his massive neck at an alarmingly rapid rate.
If it involves hot dogs and a stop watch, then yeah, he’s in good shape!
But, if he has to do anything more rigorous than a ‘right-hand-to-mouth’ action, I see an oxygen tank and possible coronary in his future.
I’m no doctor, but the only way I would use to describe that shape is “out of!”
Some NFLers have a habit of supporting the old argument that, ‘football players don’t earn college degrees but, skate by on their athletic abilities,’ with their constant display of stupidity.
(Although, sometimes I wonder, “how talented does a guy have to be to hide this level of dumb?”)
But it appears that Memorial Day Weekend had a 2-for-1 sale on stupid. One weekend, Two idiots. Idiot one: Well, you can’t spell idiot without T.O.
A frequent member of the Foot-In-The-Mouth club, Terrell Owens, has now taken to immortalizing his stupidity in written form, on Twitter. (Which I also think is stupid because I don’t care what anyone is doing 24 hours a day).
Anyway, T.O. posted this in response to a fan who wasn’t happy about him being cut from Dallas (whether T.O actually has fans or he posted this to himself has yet to be confirmed).
@terrellowens81: neither ws i, blame the OC & romo!! but i'm happy 2 b where i am but i miss the other guys tht were & r true teammates!!”
(Very creative with the screenname by the way!)
I guess we should all thank God for Twitter’s 140 character limit, but am I the only one who has a hard time picturing T.O. at a computer?
Hmmm… maybe he posted it from his phone.
Either way, his message was the same old “it aint my fault!”
**He reminds me of that old commercial, where they interview a player after a bad loss and he blames all his teammates, the coaches, the media… and when the reporter says “there is no ‘I’ in team.” He replies “yeah, well there aint no ‘we’ either.” **
(The above was more of an internal thought, which was followed by “what was that a commercial for? I wonder if I can find that?” Well, turns out it was a series of commercials and you can find them at the end of this post.)
In response to Owens, other NFLers also Tweeted. (Twittered?)
Tony Romo: @chokoROMO: cudnt hav been all d passes t.o. dropd. g’luck Bills. Ur prob now.
Trent Edwards: @imDbillsQB: @#$%^&!!!!!!
Plaxico Burress: @WutEvaHapn2Buress: Foot bettr. Got no team. les annoying thn TO. Call me. Wont shoot. Promis.
To be continued (with Idiot 2)…
For now, here are the T.O., I mean Leon commercials, as promised:
As much as I love being able post pictures of Brett Favre crying on any given week, when I am too lazy to Photo shop a Dallas Cowboy behind bars (they don’t release the real pictures) or an incredibly confused by the NFL, Donovan McNabb (doesn’t require much photoshopping), I want Brett, off my TV!
Brett Favre is a 40-year-old, brittle-boned man. His beard is grey. Ice cream bothers his sensitive teeth. (He is scared of an ice cream cone, See Sensodyne commercial). He cries like a hormonal pregnant woman… (See, Brett Favre, Throughout the Tears)
The Viking Fans have been quoted as saying “Sage Rosenfels can play better than a 40-year-old- Brett Favre out there.” Sage Rosenfels! He is a man, named Sage! (Do I need to remind you of the various, Sage is a stripper’s name posts of last season? See, What's in a Name: The Sissy Name Theory, Week Nine in the NFL, and Week Six in the NFL)
So why are Brett Favre and Brad Childress (Minnesota Viking’s Head Coach) sharing some quality time at Favre's Mississippi home? Maybe they are “fishin' them some catfish?” Or maybe Mr. Childress likes him some fried pickles and sweet potato pie? (I happened to like fried pickles, incase you were wondering). Doubt it, though.
Whether or not Childress was sharing wholesome southern cooking with Favre has yet to be determined, but his reason for being there is obvious…
Brett Favre doesn't want to be a Viking...he wants to stick it to the Green Bay Packers!
"JUDAS!!!!!!"
Have you forgotten that it was the Green Bay Packers that picked your skinny white butt off the Atlanta Falcon’s bench and gave you the opportunity of a lifetime? The Green Bay Packer’s taught us how to say Favre (Far-v ) and made it a household name that appeared in sentences with names like, Montana, Elway, Marino, Bradshaw, Tarkenton, Unitas, Graham, Baugh and Starr. (By the way, you know what those guys did, that you didn’t? RETIRE!) The Green Bay Packers made you the scandal-free, loveable, American quarterback, hated by no one, adored by the state of Wisconsin (not that much else is going on there) and idolized by children proud to wear the #4 jersey in green and gold. (A reputation, you single handedly destroyed with your first “unretirement”).
So why are you so ungrateful, Judas? Is it the bitter taste that, being defeated by the QB you replaced, left in you mouth? (Go Pennington!) Do you blame Green Bay for that? Do you blame the Packers for honoring the commitment they made to Aaron Rodgers, the player who patiently sat in your shadow, after you had said you were leaving the team? The Packers wouldn’t go back on their word and you got stuck playing for the Jets, where the only thing you succeeding in doing was making “unretire” a commonly used word and annoying football fans every where with your incessant crying. You went from the classic American QB to the player who just won’t go away!
GET OFF MY TV!
The Packers have moved on...and so should you, Fav-ruh!
Interesting Fact: My mother called while I was photoshopping and asked what I was doing. When I casually said, "Just turning Brett Favre into Judas..." she thought nothing of it.
So, for good measure and hoping to keep Favre OUT OF THE NFL, FOR GOOD, here is that song we all love, once again:
I didn’t get to watch the draft due to a minor wedding crisis, but to be honest, my impatience trumps my love for football when it comes to sitting for 2 days and 256 draft picks…after a few rounds, it feels like sitting through baseball season.
So after the first round, maybe the second, I am on to other weekend activities and reading the occasional scrolling ticker at the bottom of the screen.
We always know who the first pick is going to be, long before the draft starts (unless there is an Eli Manning switch-a-roo!) and usually, I make it back to the TV on day 2 of the NFL draft for pick number 256, otherwise known as “Mr. Irrelevant.” So I am only covering the first and last picks of the 2009 NFL Draft.
Who is Mr. Irrelevant?
‘Mr. Irrelevant’ is the tongue in cheek name given to the very last pick of the draft by Paul Salata (He was a wide receiver for the Baltimore Colts, like a million years ago) in 1976. He dubbed these final draftees ‘Mr. Irrelevant’ because they are often said to be the most irrelevant players on the field. After all, 256 players were picked before them.
By the time you get to the 256th pick, there can’t be much strategy left. No one is going to make a big trade and all of the star athletes waiting to be drafted in the Radio City Music Hall, are long gone…yes, even Brady Quinn!
Most NFL fans say that once it gets down to the final few picks in the draft, it's better for a player not to get selected, so they can sign a free-agent contract with a team they choose. (Yeah, because it is that easy.) However, very few college football players are sitting by their phones on Day 2 of the draft saying “I hope my phone doesn’t ring and I don’t get drafted.”
In fact, even while the clock counted down the 3-minuets it took to select this years ‘Mr. Irrelevant,’ hundreds of guys were sitting around their TVs waiting to hear their name get called by Paul Salata, in hopes of receiving the Kansas City colored jersey with 256 on the back…and an NFL contract.
This years, Mr. Irrelevant is South Carolina Gamecock, kicker, Ryan Succop. Everyone in Radio City seemed a little disappointed (and by a little, I mean the place filled with boo’s and hisses), when KC picked the kicker, but those people might be interested to know, in the NFL 56 games were decided by a field goal or less.
And if you still don’t think the Kicker is important, ask Ray Finkle…
Or the REAL RAY FINKLE, Scott ‘Wide Right’ Norwood. (I may have added that ‘wide right’ part!)
Anyway, I can’t name any other Mr. Irrelevant without Google, but since Paul Salata, named the last pick in the draft, the worst seat in the house has become the second to last pick in the draft. Mr. Irrelevant is anything but ‘irrelevant.’ (at least for one week!)
This year Ryan Succop, not only gets the famous #256 jersey, but an entire week devoted to him. Mr. Irrelevant week is an entire week of events in Newport, California dedicated to the player picked last in the NFL Draft. According to irrelevantweek.com, this year he gets…
Arrival Party
Press Conference
Shower of Gifts
All-Star Lowsman Banquet (where he will be presented with the Lowsman Award, as opposed to the Heisman)
Tour of Surf City
Irrelevant Rams Cheerleader Contest
Main Street Welcome and Parade
And Closing Ceremonies.
Seems like a pretty good deal, until you see what the FIRST PLAYER DRAFTED GETS:
First pick in the draft was UGA’s Matt Stafford, who received a measly $72 million dollar contract worth $78 if he meets all his incentives (for Detroit, what could incentives possibly be? Double the number of wins they had last year? They can’t possible expects the super bowl…or even playoffs).
Is Mr. Stafford worth 72 millions? Probably not. He is only one kid and let’s face it…the Lions need miracles.
SIDE NOTE: Although, he isn’t just one kid when teamed up with the Detroit’s 82nd pick in the draft; the “Jesus Shuttlesworth” of football (as he was dubbed by LaVar Arrington), 2005 All-Big Ten Freshman Team, 2007 Outback Bowl champion, 2008 First-Team All-Big Ten Team, wide receiver, punt return specialist and the occasional quarterback, the Nittany Lions’ ‘Mr. Versatility,’ Penn State football player, Derrick ‘the Lion Hearted’ Williams (but I may be slightly biased).
While, Mr. Irrelevant will be famous for a week, Matt Stafford’s 72 million is likely to make him AND HIS GIRLFRIEND famous for a little longer. I don’ t know, maybe hoisting kegs over your head in what appears to be a trailer park, is a Georgia thing? :P
Noooo, she wasn’t planning to use this picture later…when you got drafted. She just happens to be the only one smiling at the camera while you cuddle with your friend in the grass.
At least she is a cute girl… Wait! That isn’t her? Is it? (Funny how these pictures surface when you are guaranteed to be $41.7 million richer). Is that Knowshon with you?
I am not surprised. Knowshon wasn’t worried about getting drafted…even during the draft.
Incase you were wondering, Moreno was picked 12th in the draft by the Denver Broncos and signed a six-year, $40.5 million contract. A little over 9.5 million a year. (But did he get a parade???)
If it is any consolation for being picked number 256 and not 1, Ryan Succop is pretty cute. Mr. Stafford on the other hand...well, at least has $41.7 million guaranteed, but he won't be making my fantasy draft any time soon.
NEW G-MEN: With their first pick, the G-men took, North Carolina (who knew they had a football team, too) wide receiver, Hakeem Nicks to replace Plax, but Eli was hoping for a more seasoned receiver saying “After being here five years and seeing how rookies come in, it is a learning curve. It is a process. So we'll try to get them as much as they can and see what they can do and how they can help us next year."
Perhaps Eli was hoping for a trade including Braylon Edwards or Anquan Boldin, who were available for a second round draft pick. Honestly, I was too Eli…but the G-men decided to continue to stack their D, after picking up almost every available defensive player in the free agent pool, using their second pick to take yet another outside linebacker.
Can you blame them? It has gotta be tough, losing every year!
Brown wants to know, "what is the incentive?" Hmmm...incentive to play for the Eagles?
I don't know. I guess you don't have to play very hard. It isn't like McNabb knows the rules to the game or anything. Plus, no one really expects much from the Eagles. (Except Eagle fans, but what do they know....they are Eagle fans!)
Hmmmm...I guess I don't know what the incentive to play for the Eagles might be (unless you count the ridiculous amount of money they pay you to be less than mediocre, every year), but I can tell you what it isn't....
A SUPERBOWL RING!
Oh wait! Could be that you get to play on the same field as the G-men, at least twice a year! There ya go!...if you sign up with the Eagles, twice a year, you get to play with the big boys! :)
The time between football season and football season is filled with 200 MLB baseball games, about 15 seconds of interesting NBA basketball and March Madness. Aside from kicking butt in the March Madness pool, ever year, there is rarely anything blog-worthy going on in sports. Which means I have been busy dealing with the parts of life that have no 2-minute warning…you know, so I can slack of during football season! So what have you missed…
Well, most importantly, MY BIRTHDAY! Your very favorite Monday Morning Cheerleader turned 25 for the third time in her life this past March! Happy Birthday to me! (Don’t worry, you can make it up to me…I am still accepting presents!)
Penn State won the NIT, which means, of all the teams that weren’t good enough to make the real tournament, Penn State sucked the least! Whoo-hoo! Go #66! Love my lions! (Nittany not Detroit)
And in the NFL…
The New York Giants said ‘bye-bye’ to Plaxico Burress! First he was skipping practice to take his 22 month old ‘to school.” (Apparently his son is far smarter than he is and is a student at less than 2 years old! Perhaps he should have asked genius, Mini-Plax, to help him come up with a better excuse!) Driving with no insurance, shooting himself in the leg, with a concealed weapon he had no permit for…sounds like a Dallas Cowgirl, to me! We (and by ‘we’ I mean, me and the NY FOOTBALL GIANTS) are happy to be rid of him and are moving on! Good-bye Plax!
Perhaps the biggest news. Big City, Jay Cutler!
The last thing Bears fans had to be excited about was Rex Grossman, and since he has since, peaked and faded into the invisible distance, (kinda like one of passes to no one), Jay Cutler is the big man on campus…or in Chicago.
Jay has been taking full advantage of his new-found stardom in the windy city, enjoying more than deep dish pizza, Mr. Cutler went almost a week as a QB in Chicago before entangling himself in the tabloid gossip (or in this case a rather promiscuous brunette) of Page Six.
The Bears are excited that Jay Cutler landed in their seat during this game of musical quarterbacks. It could be because they haven’t has a franchise quarterback, that I can remember in my lifetime, and they are hoping that Jay Cutler performs better at lower altitudes. He can’t be worse than Kyle Orton, who the Bears gave up to Denver, along with 2 first round picks and a third round pick, for Jay Cutler and a Broncos 5th rounder.
Could Jay Cutler really be a franchise QB? Could he really be worth 2 first round picks? I don’t know. The real question is….WHO THE HECK IS HE GOING TO THROW TO?
$20 to the first person who can name a Chicago Bears receiver without “googling” it! (You can collect from Jay Cutler when he give me my $120K).
Keep an eye out: Next weekend the Mannings will be in my hometown. Payton Manning will be coaching my high school football team and Eli will be coaching their rival, as the two schools replay the worlds oldest high school football rivalry's 1993 game, which ended in a tie! http://www.lehighvalleylive.com/sports/index.ssf?/base/sports-0/1235451945327370.xml&coll=3
I love you Eli, but for some reason (or facial expressions) Peyton strikes me as the coach I want for my team!
“Harsh words from the best-selling dating coaching book may set single women quarterback-less coaches free.”
Why won’t he call me? Why won’t he play for me? Why doesn’t he want to go out with me? Why won’t he be my quarterback? Why doesn’t he like me? (Well, that one is still applicable!) (Yes, Jay Cutler has his very own 'Bat Phone!' That line goes directly to Jay Cutler.)
Why won’t Jay Cutler call you or play for you, McDaniels? Why doesn’t he want to stay in Denver with you as the head coach?
Well, maybe it is because you openly offered him up for trade, in hopes of obtaining Matt Cassel. (Jay Cutler doesn’t want the sloppy seconds of a desperate man!)
Maybe it is because he was promised that the coaching staff would remain the same even though the Broncos made the ridiculous choice to fire Shanahan and now he doesn’t even know anyone’s name! (You are a liar and a cheat, McDaniels!)
Maybe Jay Cutler is just tired of the Denver weather! (Jay Cutler has feelings too…cold!)
OR…
Maybe, He’s just not that into you!
Yeah, that's the book/movie that tells women (or in this case, coach) that if a man (QB) isn’t calling, you should stop making excuses because, in it’s title’s harsh words, chances are “He’s Just Not that Into You.”
What that book neglects to do is tell men (QBs), that before they get so cocky and think that women/coaches are waiting for their phone calls, they should probably consider that there are other men/players on the market and they just may not be the best one. Perhaps I should write a reply book called “Maybe You are Just too Into Yourself (Jay Cutler)!”: There are a million, nope, billion men out there and you are probably a heck of a lot luckier than you think! So take a look around before you start thinking someone is waiting for your call.
Yup, I mean you, Jay Cutler. You know I love you, but perhaps you should consider a few things. Maybe, you really aren’t “all that!”: Since you have been on the team (for the third straight season) the Broncos have not made the playoffs! (Okay, maybe we can blame Plummer for some of that)
Maybe, there are better men out there: Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford had an excellent performance at his pro day and the Detroit Lions need picks! Which means, you might end up in Detroit! (Still cold, still sucks…only worse!)
Maybe, you are not that great of a catch (or pass): Your passer rating was an average of 85.
Maybe, you should appreciate how lucky you really are: I am not sure if that is worse then ending up in a trade for a some problem player and Brady “Nobody Picked Me” Quinn with the Browns. Cleveland…seriously?
Maybe, you are unreliable: Worse, you lost me 210K in my elimination pool when you lost to the KC CHIEFS and the OAKLAND RAIDERS!
Yeah, I still like you, (notice at the beginning of the post, I loved you), but I am a very loyal and understanding girl! What are you really worth, Jay Cutler?
But don't worry, I have no idea how they get your QB back rating, either...no one does! I am pretty sure it means...absolutely nothing!
Seriously though, stop crying because it is NOT cute! You don't wanna end up this season's Brett Favre!
PS. You can’t just leave Denver, what the **** (I’m not moving to Detroit!)
