Final Week in Regular Season Recap: "Jenny Says"

The final week in the NFL always has a bunch of games that mean nothing and no one cares about, so to talk about all of them would be a waste of time. So I have decided that for this weeks recap, we are going to play a little game you may be familiar with called "Jenny says..." (yeah, just like the song) This is how it works, it is kinda like Simon Says only totally different. I think you will get it. There were 2 major "stars" this week in the NFL, see if you can figure who they were.

Jenny says, "Raise your hand if you completed less than 50% of your passes this week!"



Jenny says, "Raise your hand if you turned the ball over more than three times this week!"



Jenny says, "Raise your hand if your team if not going to the play-offs and it is all your fault!"



Jenny says, "Just stand in front of the mic and look like the Perdue Chicken Guy if you won as many NFL games this season as she did and that your future role as a coach in the NFL is the same as hers!"


Jenny says, "Shed a tear if you are an overage cry baby whose team wishes they had never traded away their quarterback for because now that guy is going to the playoffs and they aren’t."


Jenny says, "Keep crying if you were to retire now the last thing you did as an NFL player was throw an interception to keep your team from going to the playoffs!"


Jenny says, "Cry if a coach got fired just for hiring you as the teams quarterback!"

Jenny says, "Look like a sore loser if you ran off the field and refused to shake Chad Penningtons hand after he beat you for a spot in the playoffs and made a fool of you on National TV!"


The Eagles needed a miracle to go to the play offs and they got it.
Buc lost to the Raiders, 24-31.
Giants lost to the Vikings, 19-20.
Bear lost to the Texans 34-21.
Everyone of those games were upsets and everyone of them were needed for the Eagles to go to the playoffs. McNabb only had to complete 12 passes to get there because the Cowgirls had 5 turnovers, to lose 44-6.

Chad Pennington and the Miami Dolphins had the biggest come back season, winning ten games more than the Dolphins did last year to take a spot in the playoffs, over Brett Favre.

Week Sixteen Recap Quickie: Merry Xmas Giants Fans!

Shhhh....you hear that?

That is right! You can hear it clearly now that all those haters are quiet.
On Sunday Night, the WORLD CHAMPION NY FOOTBALL GIANTS clinched the number one playoff spot and secured home-field advantage for its entirety. Giants fans have been emailing me disappointed that I didn’t post this week and asking me if I watched the game. Did I watch the game? Ha!
In the history of the NFL, three teams have had two running backs rush for 1,000 yards in the same season. The NY Giants plan to make that four teams with Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward. A bum knee can’t hold down Jacobs, who already has 1,089 yards. And his buddy Ward is only 52 yards from reaching 1,000 yards after rushing for a legend...wait for it....dary...215 yards to beat the Carolina Panthers in OT Sunday, 34-28.
*Note: The Giants game against the Vikings means NADA to New York, once Ward gets his 52 yards he will be joining the rest of the first string on the bench. Merry Christmas, Minnesota.

Sorry, Its Christmas for me too, so no full recap this week.

Letters to Santa from NFC East

What's in a name: The Sissy Name Theory

Bet you thought that I forgot about the Houston-Tennessee game, this Sunday. Well, I did. But I am going to make up for it now.

Anyhow, I have, in other posts, presented my ‘Sissy Name Theory' which says that, you can expect, no more, from an athlete, than his name allows. If you give your son a sissy name, expect him to play like one. (See the many posts I have written regarding Sage Rosenfels).
This theory also applies to the spelling of a name.
Ex. Rian Lindell, he missed 2 field goals, from 20 yards out, in the same game. (Ryan Lindell, may have made those). I should also clarify, that Rian is, in fact, listed on the team roster as a kicker. So, yes, that is his job and he sucks at it.
If you get cute and creative with a guys name, sure, he may grow up to be cute and creative, but don’t expect him to be a good football player.
For some reason, I don’t see this happening:

Then again, put nothing passed John Madden.

Still don’t believe me? Allow me to draw your attention to the Houston Texans.

This season they played with 2 different Quarterbacks. Matt Schaub started the season as QB-1, but after sustaining a tear in the MCL if his left knee (Remember from “turf toe” post that, tear = bad!). He was then ‘replaced’ (and I use that term very lightly) with back-up, Sage Rosenfels.
So let’s take a look at “Matt versus Sage,” shall we?

Matt (diminutive of Matthew)- male name of Hebrew origin, meaning, Gift from God.
Grace divine is an indispensable gift from God for development, improvement, and character expansion. Without God's grace, there are certain limitations, weaknesses, flaws, impurities, and faults (i.e. carnality) humankind cannot overcome. Therefore, it is necessary to increase in God's gift for added perfection, completeness, and flawlessness.
So who needs, Matt/Matthew, a Gift from God?

Detroit Lions:

Cincinnati Bengals (Ocho Cinco, in particular)

We all could use a little perfection, completeness, and flawlessness...


Sage (diminutive of sixteenth-century English tea)-Unisex (first clue!) name of English origin meaning an herb.
Sage is a perennial shrub (yeah! That sounds manly!) that comes from mountains in the south of Europe, but it grows in gardens in the middle of Europe, as well. Its long and thin leaves are soft and felt-like. From May or June it blossoms white to pink or blueish-purple flowers.
Sage tea inhibits the production of sweat, and is used to lessen strong sweating, resulting from hormonal changes in youth or in menopause. As sage also contains estrogen-like substances, it helps prevent menopausal problems and those of menstruation. Additionally, rinsing with sage tea can alleviate v****** discharge. (I struggled with whether that was too much, but it appears that people were only startled by the bleeped term). This helpful herb can also, strengthen the digestive system and metabolism to guard against obesity and even mouth odors.
So, who needs, Sage, the medicinal herb?

Old fat old women with bad breath

A pubescent teen with an STD...

OR any combination, thereof...

So that is what’s in the name. How does that name, effect the player?
*The following stats are from 2008 only.

Matt Schaub:

*Note: He's not that cute anymore.
Matt started 8 games for the Houston Texans and had a record of 5 wins and 3 losses. (Nope, no ties, McNabb. And one of those losses was the game where he was injured and Sage took over.) He threw for 13 touchdowns, 9 interceptions and 2,460 yards.
Passer Rating: 92.7

Sage Rosenfels:

*Note: He's still that goofy looking
Sage started 6 games for the Houston Texans and had a record of 2 wins and 4 losses (plus the game he blew for Matt). He threw for 6 touchdowns and 10 interceptions (please note that the number of interceptions exceeds the number of TDs), and 1, 431 yards.
Passer Rating: 79.5

Need more?
Sage’s only 2 wins were against the Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9) and the Cleveland Browns (4-10).
Matt’s most recent win (second game after return from injury) is against the Tennessee Titans (12-2).

Maybe it was the weather? Wait, no. They play in a dome. Hmmmm....

So, where they playing with different teams? Different coaches? Different recievers?
Nope. Only with different NAMES!

Matt Schaub and the Texans over the Titans, 13-12. (Obviously, nothing else to talk about).

Week Fifteen in the NFL Recap

*I know as so many of you reminded me, week 16 starts tomorrow, but it is hard to write a football blog when your team fails to score a single TD. Gimme a break and enjoy.

As I am sure you know by now, I am a Giants fan. That is the World Champion New York Football Giants, I am referring to, by the way.
As you also know the Giants (up until recently) have had a stellar 2008 season as the reigning Super Bowl Champions and I have loved every minute of every opportunity I have had to rub their eleven wins in the face of World Champion doubters.
However, it appears, they have now reverted to mediocre football and a questionable effort, at best. So it is only fair, that I address their shortcomings, as I would for others.
In the last two games, I have watched the G-men flop around on the football field like last years Dolphins(maybe not that bad…). It is true that the World Champions have been faced with many obstacles in the past weeks, from the Plaxico Burress foolishness to the injury of Brandon Jacobs, but even though I love my Giants, does that really excuse the lack of offensive touchdowns and Eli Manning being sacked 8 times? How many touchdown passes do you expect from a QB lying flat on his back? Where was the O-line that only allowed 15 sacks all season?
Well, I hate to provide another excuse for the G-men under performing, but it appears that Tony Romo and the Cowgirls may have taken advantage of the Giants off-field distractions and provided a little distraction of their own.
Sun-sentinal reported that security at the Stadium had to remove a female fan who was wearing a rather 'racy' Santa outfit and carrying inappropriate signs. Security said that there were children present at the game and her fishnet stockings, bathing suit bottom and high-heeled boots were not suitable for their viewing. The girls response, "you couldn't even see my underwear!" (Yes, that is what she actually said.) Who was this distraction?

(http://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/sfl-ginstfan08,0,5429105.story)
*Note, this actually took place at the Eagles-Giants game in New York, where it was, probably about 20 degrees.
Giants disgraced themselves against the Cowgirls this week, 20-8.

Well, at least we are not the Washington Redskins, right? This Thursday, the 'Skins fumbled their way to a loss against the Cincinnati Bengals. Eleven other teams managed to beat the Bengals, by doing the only thing you have to do, in order to beat them...showing up! Washington just couldn't hang on to the ball, fumbling like a team of 'Tony Romo's in the post season.' The Bengals racked up Big win number 2 and the Skin's fall to 7 and irrelevant. (See ya next season, guys!)

Speaking of irrelevant.
Seattle 23- St. Louis 20.
San Diego 22- Kansas City 21
Philadelphia 30, Cleveland 10.


Actually, I had a request for San Diego, Kansas City. So lets talk about how the Chiefs managed to blow a 21-3 lead, which they were still holding in the 3rd.
After a field goal, the struggling Chargers placed their post season prayers on an onside kick and the football gods were listening. After the ball bounced of the chest of a KC Chief, the Chargers recovered and marched right into the end zone, scoring a touchdown, they couldn’t manage to score the entire game. However, it appeared there was a football god who had the Chiefs in this weeks football pool, because KC got the ball back with plenty of time and a delay of game penalty put them within field goal range. However, only one teams prayers could be answered and it looks like the Bolts prayed harder because the ball was shanked to the left, and after a 21-3 lead, Chiefs lost to Chargers, 22-21.

But that wasn’t the biggest “oops” of the week...
Buffalo Bills lead the New York Bretts with 1:54 on the clock. Buffalo with the ball had to complete one simple task to win the game and knock Blubbering Brett Favre out of the AFC South play-off spot...run out the clock. Hold on tight to the ball and run it. But instead Buffalo decided to opt for the pass, and a ticket home. Instead of running out the clock, Losman fumbled the ball (See Tony Romo in NFC Championship game), which was recovered by a Jet, who fumbled the ball toward the end zone, picked up by another Jet, who was pushed into the end zone by a tackle from a Bill. It was what I am sure Brett Favre would describe as a tear-jerking play for both teams. Bretts over Bills, 31-27.


Indy v. Detroit was half relevant. Peyton Manning showed his obvious favorites and through for 142 yards to Clark and 104 yards to Wayne. Leading the Colts to their seventh straight win and making them a serious post season, Super Bowl contender. As for their opponents...well, we will all be hearing about Detroit in the post-season...everyone will be calling them with trades to secure their uncontested number one draft pick. 21-31, Indy.


Bear beat the Saints in the Dome. It was a rough day for the Saints, who despite allowing 2 kick returns for touchdowns, hung on for over time where, PENN STATER, Robbie Gould kicked one through the uprights to win by three. Bears over Saints, 27-24.
Same deal in the other Dome, where this time the home team took the 3 point over time lead to win. Atlanta and Tampa Bay battled out the lead for both the game and the NFC wild card spot, both teams now 9-5, but the Falcons took home the W. (Well, they were already home, but you know what I mean. ) 10-13, Falcons.

Oops. Did I miss Green Bay and Jacksonville on my list of irrelevants? Add Jacksonville 20, Green Bay 13, to the “who cares?” column.

Wow. There are still a lot of games left to talk about. Long week.

Minnesota Vikings beat the Arizona Cardinals, 35-14. Perhaps I should say Adriene Peterson beat the Arizona Cards. Sure Minnesota’s QB, whatever his name is, threw for 4 TD’s but it was Peterson’s 165 yards rushing that got them there. I wonder, (Giants included), do teams really watch game tape? If you opponent has one player and one play...shouldn’t your game plan be, “shut him down?” Another reason, I should be the NFL’s first female coach...well, I guess, I would be the second, after this one:


Baltimore played Pittsburgh and you would think that with the amount of drama involved...that the Cowgirls were playing. What exactly are the rules of football? The winning TD was scared when Holmes caught the ball with 2 feet in the end zone but the ball outside the end zone. Being ruled a TD, the Ravens challenge was unsuccessful, because there was no conclusive evidence to overturn the call, but had it been called “No TD” that also would have stood. Huh? What the really mean is the referees stood in a circle saying “Did the ball break the plane? Did it not break the plane? Wait! Does it even have to break the plan? I don’t know. Do you? Anyone have a rule book.?” And when the 90 seconds allowed for review was up, they had no answer and the play stood as called. Drama didn’t end there, after the game the Steelers celebrated like they won the Super Bowl, telling the Ravens they were the #1 defense. (Who cares, by the way?) Ray Lewis said “they only had one drive, they didn’t make plays all game.” to which Holmes said “we made plays when it counted!” Again, WHO CARES? Regardless of who made what play when and if it was even in compliance with the NFL rules, Pittsburgh won 13-9.

New England beat Oakland 49-26, but me and nine friends can beat Oakland (yeah, I know that only equals ten, I am trying to help the Raiders out.) So the real point of this game is, who the heck in the AFC East is going to the playoffs? There is a 3-way tie and the only thing that is for sure is that Brett Favre will cry. (You thought I was going to say Buffalo isn’t going, huh? Well, that is also true.)

The other AFC East playoff spot contender is the surprising Miami Dolphins. They continue to play ugly but extremely efficient football. Never scoring a single point more than they have to the Dolphins defense beat the Niners 14-9. The only stand out performance was the one Joey Porter gave in support of Plaxico Burress’s gun toting philosophy.

Porter carries a gun himself and thinks that all NFL players need to protect themselves by carrying a weapon. Maybe you are right, Mr. Porter. Maybe we are being too hard on Plax, but before you lead your crusade to change the NFL to National Firearms League, allow me to remind you, Plaxico is allowed to carry a weapon, he just has to also carry a permit and registration...and if he would like to use it to shoot himself in the leg, far be it of us to stop him, but me must do so in a location where he does not place those who want to keep their limbs, in danger. To put it simply...

Mean Girls: Dallas Edition

In this new movie, the Girls of Dallas are at it again. Based on true story and recent report by ESPN, covering the cat fights and name calling in the Dallas Cowgirls high school locker room. Tony Romo has a new gal-pal and their gossiping about T.O.

Terrell Owens:


Romo and I used to be like, best friends. I can't even believe that I cried over him! Now he and Witten are Road-game roomies and spend all their time together, gossiping and telling secrets. It is sooo not fair that they are making secret plays together that I don't know about. They are only doing it because they are jealous of me and don't want to get me the ball. I am so tired of quarterbacks being jealous of me. It is, like, so last season! First McNabb and now Romo. I totally, can't help it if I am so good that no one notices them. I'll show them! Just like I did in the Pittsburgh game. Oops! Did I forget to run my route...I am so silly sometimes... I totally didn't mean for that to get intercepted. I would never want my quarterback to look bad. *giggles*

Jason Witten:

Oh...my...God! No...freakin...way! T.O. is such a drama queen. Me and Tony were friends waaay before him and T.O. Like, way back before either of us actually got any play time. Owens is just mad because he totally missed his route last game. It almost looked like he did it on purpose. What a ditz! He is so jealous of me and Tony's relationship. He needs to get over himself.

Tony Romo:

Whatever, T.O.! I can't believe him. He is just like Jessica. You spend one road game with someone else and they think that something is going on. So insecure! I am like, so totally over this! Whatever!

Bradie James:

I am the team captain, so its like my job to like keep the peace. So, when they start pulling each others hair in the locker room, I always have to break it up. I actually broke my nail once, and I was so mad at both of them. Why can't we all just be friends and go shopping like we used to?

Seriously, I can't even make this stuff up. Check out the article here.

Football Fundamentals: What is “turf toe?”

I don’t know about you, but whenever I hear that a football player is out with “turf toe,” I think “What the heck is ‘turf toe’ and how bad can it really hurt? Get out there and start playing on that million dollar contract, baby!” Then again, I have never had turf toe.

I think part of the reason I think that way is because of the name, itself, “turf toe.” Doesn’t have the same effect as “torn ACL” or “fractured tibia.” It is missing that, action word that makes you cringe. When I think turf toe, I think of things like “paper cuts” or “rug burn.” Nothing, season ending.

However, this week, I found out that Jerry Jones, also thinks that a simple toe injury shouldn’t keep a player from the field. As a matter of fact, he tore apart Marion Barber for not playing in the Dallas-Pittsburgh game with a toe injury, (as if that would have helped the Cowgirls, anyway). Jones questioned Barber’s manliness (Remember, Marion Marber, not Tiki…we all know Tiki is not a man), saying "He can play with that injured toe. He can play with the soreness and a combination of those things. I see nothing that led us to believe he couldn’t." He essentially said that Marion’s wittle boo-boo was all in his head.

Now, since I know that no one wants to be thinking the same things as Jerry Jones, I am going to dispel the rumors behind the sissiness of ‘turf toe.’

Turf toe: Turf toe is a condition of pain at the base of the big toe, located at the ball of the foot. (still sounds sissy.)

Why is it called ‘turf toe’: The name turf toe comes from the fact that this injury is especially common among athletes who play on artificial turf. It is caused by the running and jumping on a hard surface. (I guess ‘hard surface toe’ isn’t any better)
What happens to the toe in turf toe: A turf toe injury, is actually the tearing of the capsule that surrounds the joint at the base of the toe. (Ouch! Turf toe sucks!)Tearing this joint capsule can be extremely painful. Turf toe can lead to accelerated cartillege wear and hallux rigidus. (Relax, 'hallux rigidus' is not what you think, its actually, toe arthritis.)

'Tearing of the capsule that surrounds the joint of the toe'…now that sounds painful. If there is tearing, you have to mention that in the name. They could have simply called it “a torn joint capsule” and we would all be saying “Gee! I hope he is okay…” instead of, “Turf toe? Get up, pretty boy!”

I don’t know what it feels like to, tear a capsule in your toe. However, I have worn some really uncomfortable high heels which hurt my toe and the next day, walking on it made my eyes water. There is no way I could have played football on it.

So, I it appears ‘turf toe’ may be a legit pain in the foot. (Then again, if you were paying me millions of dollars, I don’t think my high heels injury would be a problem anymore.)

Marion Barber actually had a pinkie toe injury, as well as, one to his calf, which prevented him from playing against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday.
But hey, we can’t all be as tough as Jerry Jones right? Or maybe Jones doesn’t know what a toe injury feels like:


If a toe injury isn’t a legit reason to miss a game, then what is?
Well, this is the GM of the Dallas Cowgirls we are talking about, here. When it comes to the Cowgirls:

Excused Absence:

(Not my best work, but Pacman actually started as a white woman.)

Unexcused Absence:



More tips from the Genius Playbook of Jerry Jones:
If you lose an important game, make sure you alienate your star running back, by calling him a wuss, so that he is ready and willing to perform for the next, more important game!
Good plan! Go Giants!