Eli "Rich" Man(ning)

Eli Manning’s contract extension will be for six years and $97.5 million, with $35 million guaranteed. Making him the highest paid player in the NFL!

So, “Who looks confused now??”



But as usual, being a 28 year old quarterback, in his prime with a Super Bowl ring and excellent breeding, Eli has his haters, who are asking, “Is Eli really worth it?”

Well, let’s see.

In just four years Eli Manning already had more Super Bowl rings than the entire history of the Eagles franchise. (No, that never gets old!)

Sure, Eli started, like any other Giant QB, since 1997, running the ball up the middle (and the season into the ground) with #21, so the little girl running back, wouldn’t cry. Tiki questioned his leadership skills, his own father spoofed a commercial where he traded him for Matt Leinhert (I always wanted a lefty!), others laughed at his blank expression and people wondered if he’d ever be as good as his commercialized brother.

But now, Eli Manning says, “Step aside big brother, because the Citizen Eco-drive is unstoppable as Eli Manning!”

Sure, Peyton has 100 more commercials, but his little brother won a Super Bowl, got his own commercial, trumped big bro’s contract and did it all….with a full head of hair!

If Archie is good, maybe one of his sons well let him see what it feels like to wear a Super Bowl ring and I can imagine “check time” conversation, looks something like this…



As for Tiki Barber, he couldn’t be reached for a comment (for once!).

Did I mention Eli finished last years regular season, 12-4 completing 289 of 479 pass attempts for 3,238 yards and 21 touchdowns...with a run-based offense?

So what does Eli have to say to all the critics barking "Eli may be the highest paid quarterback in th NFL, but he isn't the best!?"

"I am not only the highest paid player in the NFL but in the 90 year history of the league! I am sorry, what was the second part of that sentence, again??"

The End is Near: Season-Threatening Disease Spreads Through NFL

We already knew that there were a few players in the NFL infected with an incurable disease, harboring unlimited side effects from bird dances to team sabotage and uncensored, fine producing commentary.

Usually the disease was contained to a few concentrated areas like Philadelphia and Dallas, with the occasional outbreak resulting in a player shooting himself the thigh.

Unfortunately, stupidity is no longer affecting just Eagles and Cowboys. They should have taken my advice and quaranteened those teams, long before their special breed of contagious stupidity began to spread to the ineffable (side note: up until a few mintues ago, I thought that word, totally meant something else!) proportions it has today.

Because now, it may be too late.

When the end is near the mountains will crumble as the sun's heat ignites the earth. The skies will darken and football players will begin to rally behind TERRELL OWENS FOR THE RETURN OF MICHAEL VICK! (I never read that part of the Bible because when the end comes, I wanna be surpised, but I am pretty sure that this is a sign!)

FROM USA TODAY:

Terrell Owens has taken his campaign for Michael Vick's immediate reinstatement by the NFL to Twitter.

The Bills receiver, who called commissioner Roger Goodell's treatment of Vick "unfair" on Sunday, said Vick has already received enough punishment for his federal dogfighting conviction and should not be suspended more games by the NFL. (Owens referenced an ESPN report on Thursday saying the league would suspend Vick for four games, which the NFL said was premature.)

And then Owens went to Twitter to seek support from his fellow NFL players and his fans.

***What the heck is up with T.O. and Twitter?***

On Sunday evening, he tweeted: "Who's w/me on the Vick situation? All n favor, lemme get a tweet 2 support Mike Vick! He did the time 4 the crime! Let the guy play!!"

Several NFL players, including Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald, responded with support of Owens' campaign for Vick.

-- Fitzgerald: "im in support of mike vick too man.I wanna c him back in action being the human highlight film he is.Im with ya bro."

-- Vikings TE Visanthe Shiancoe: "Never heard him complain or wine... I respect him. Let the man play."

***"Wine" is a beverage. "Whine" is what you are doing about Michael Vick!***

-- Cardinals DE Darnell Dockett: "he did time and lost his shoe deal, and paid fines. Dear Commissioner please reinstate mike vick. PLEASE."

-- Rams RB Steven Jackson: "Don't agree with 4 games, 23 months is enough." ... "He will not be able 2 vote anymore. He has lost enough, allow the man 2 move on with his life. We dnt have a heaven or a hell 2 put him n."

***Am I the only one who has NO IDEA what the hell this guy is talking about?***

Said Owens when he met reporters on Sunday, "The guy's already suffered so much. And to add a four-game suspension on a two-year prison sentence, that's ridiculous."

And in a comment to ESPN, Owens suggested Goodell was not respecting the 20-month sentence Vick served. "The commissioner needs to go sit in jail for 23 months," he told the network.

What really scares me is that you would think, that with the NFL's rap sheet dragging out longer than Brett Favre's career, a few of these guy would understand how jail works.

There is nothing unfair about Vick going to jail. He committed a crime and he served a sentence (barely!). If he didn't want to go to jail...well, here's a thought, how about getting a hobby that does not involve torturing animals? (Drinking and driving, unregistered weapons, unprescribed narcotics, all illegal...keep trying, I am sure you will stumble upon something!)

But if Twitter Dee and Twitter Dumb are going to be the voices to be followed in the NFL this seasnon, we may all need to find a new hobby!

Celebrity Endorsement: OJ McDuffie

Lots of football players endorse other people’s products. But my favorite Miami Dolphin ever (and former Penn Stater), O.J. McDuffie, is endorsing his own product to helps others who have found themselves in his unfortunate position.

O.J. McDuffie introduces, “O.J. McDuffie’s Name Change Kit.”



Are you suffering from locker room ridicule and inability to perform on the field because you parents saddled you with a stripper name, like Sage? (Mr. Rosenfels?) I can help!

Maybe your name is just stupid. (Plaxico??) I can help!

Or perhaps your name was perfectly acceptable until another former NFL player was accused of murdering his wife and her new lover and then evaded police in a slow speed chase, which was nationally televised, all the while proclaiming his innocence, as bloody clothes were discovered in his garbage, only to be found not guilty by twelve people too stupid to get out of jury duty because a glove didn’t fit him. Then just when you thought you the humiliation of sharing his name had subsided, he goes and gets arrested for stealing his own memorabilia.

Are you tired of hearing things like “Where’s your white Bronco, OJ?”

Or “Hey O.J., stab any white women today?”

Well, I am! I feel your pain! But getting your name changed can be expensive and involves a lot of time consuming paper work…

Until Now! Thanks to ‘O.J. McDuffie’s Name Change kit!’

For just 4 installments of 14.99, you can change your name in as much time as you need to decide on a new one (and make 4 payments of $14.99).

Take it anywhere you go, because O.J. McDuffie's Name Change Kit comes in this waterproof tote bag for easy portability! But that's not all....

Order right now and I will double your order…FREE!



That’s right!Get a second kit, ABSOLUTELY FREE! Change your name twice or give one to a friend! O.J. McDuffie’s Name Change Kit makes a great gift for any occasion!

But this is a limited time offer so order yours now!




**Changing your name with the OJ McDuffie Name Change Kit will have no legal effect on the changing of your name and he is not responsible for any confusion which may occur. He also has no idea why you would need to carry your name change kit around, but hey, you get a free tote bag, right?**

Thank God He’s Cute...

Seriously. Tony Romo should get down on his knees every night and thank God for those adorable dimples, innocent smile, flawless complexion, strong arms...

...Anyway, my point is, his football game leaves much to be desired (including a Super Bowl ring) and it appears that his sense of humor is just as lacking.

The only time we are going to get a good joke from him is on 4th and goal, with no time, in the NFC Championship. (See, best fumbled snap ever!)

Check out what I have dubbed Romo’s “I wanna be like Manning” video.

Don’t worry Tony. You are only a few real endorsement deals, a few million passing drills, 7 Pro Bowl Selections, 3 league MVPs, one Super Bowl ring and 2 or 3 acting classes away from being just like Peyton! But this isn’t a good start...

Tony Romo: Product Spokesman from Tony Romo

I guess you can say “He’s no Peyton Manning!” on and off the field!



(I just spent 20 minutes watching Peyton Manning commercials, before picking one to post. It is so hard to choose!!!)


PS. It is okay Tony, you are so much cuter than him!

Now, That's What I Would Call News!

Yesterday, I was reading the USA Today Sports Page when I came across this bit of news about Santonio Holmes...

(I took the liberty of highlighting it for you because I didn't have to change a thing...this is really what the page said. )



Who knew?! Must make for some awkward showers in Pittsburgh!

Cover up, boys!

FREE PLAX!

"With 10 days to go before a critical appearance in Manhattan criminal court, the attorney for Plaxico Burress is feverishly working behind the scenes to find a negotiated settlement that would allow Burress to play football in 2009 -- either by reaching a plea deal with minimal jail time or by postponing a possible trial until after the 2009 NFL season with the hopes of playing this fall, a source with knowledge of the case said Friday."

Seriously? I am tired of hearing about the possibility of Plax doing jail time and it isn’t because he was a New York Football Giant, either.

Aren’t we being a little harsh on the guy? (I even saw one cite compare him to O.J. Simpson!) If stupidity were a crime, he should serve a life sentence. (Then again, the world would be an entirely different...and empty…place) But what did Burress really do?

I know. I know. He was carrying a concealed weapon without a permit and that is a crime. But hasn’t he been punished enough?

Come on! He shot himself in the foot! (Literally and figuratively.) Not only did he get shot, but he did it to himself…by accident!

Not only does he look like a fool and have a throbbing, painful limp but the four-game suspension cost Burress $823,529 in lost wages. He was also fined an additional $205,882 (or ONE WEEKS SALARY!) and being dropped by the G-men cost Burress as much as $27 million and his job!

I think he has paid for his crime. Spank the boy and send him on his way!



And don’t give me that “if he wasn’t an NFL player he wouldn’t be getting special treatment” b-o-l-o-g-n-a! Don’t kid yourself; the District Attorney enters plea agreements for much bigger crimes, every...single...day (you just don’t hear about them on ESPN)!

If Plax serves jail time, it is because he didn’t hire me as his attorney. (Do you think they are going to find a panel of jurors in New York, that aren’t Giant fans?) I already have my entire case prepared.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecutor wants you to believe that Plaxico Burress is a criminal, who thinks he doesn’t have to abide by the law because he plays football. But I would like to remind you, who Plaxico Burress really is to New York…(hit the video)"



"…And the Defense rests."

Watching that, I get nervous all over again; biting my nails as Tyree struggles to pull the ball against his helmet; thinking it is all over when Eli gets pulled down by his jersey and then breaks free. My heart races as the clock runs down and my G-men make their way down field. I hold my breath as Manning releases that final pass, my excitement builds watching it float through the air toward the end zone... one last play, one last pass, one last chance to end a perfect season and be the WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK GIANTS...then I jump up and cheer, in pure euphoria as Plaxico makes the final catch in the most amazing drive in Super Bowl history! The joy of the best 2 minutes and 7 seconds of my life comes flooding back! My heart fills with pride and Plaxico Burress is my hero, once again! There won't be a dry eye in the house!

NOT GUILTY!




PS. This guy might be taking it a little to hard...

“Fantasy” Football Potential Draftee #6: Mark Sanchez

Mark Sanchez
NFL TEAM: New York Jets
POSITION: (I cry less than Brett Fav-ruh at) Quarterback
AGE: 22
HEIGHT: 6'2"
WEIGHT: 227 lbs

Mark Sanchez opted for an early departure from USC and (unfortunately for him) was drafted by the Jets. He was red-shirted his freshman year and lost the QB-1 position the next season to John David Booty, but took over when Booty needed back surgery. A bonus interesting(-ish) fact, in high school, Sanchez served as ball boy for Carson Palmer (See, Bengals suck). But perhaps his biggest honor…Mark is the very first player to be drafted (by me) without playing a single day in the NFL. He is also, the youngest player (and given that he has made me feel really old, will be the last rookie) that I have ever drafted.



While I don’t find Mark to be particularly attractive, he certainly isn’t unattractive (and neither are his abs or his arms...) and his spread in GQ has pointed out the finer qualities in this newest NFLer, who is playing Baywatch with Hilary Rhoda.



Funny guy, Sanchez, joked when he was sent to purgatory, by USC fans, after his controversial announcement that he'd be heading to the NFL a year early, “UCLA and Notre Dame fans are the new Mark Sanchez fans.”

However, it appears that the joke is now on him. The hardest part about being in the NFL so far, is that his new Jets teammates won’t stop teasing him about wearing his formfitting “short shorts” in front of the pretty girl. :P




Mark wasn’t worried about the shoots taunting potential when he was posing with Hilary. “Yeah, she’s, uh…Well, obviously she’s gorgeous.” “She was just giving me pointers the whole time. “ (I wonder if the Jets fond that comment as funny as I did. Go ahead, I’ll give you a second…) :o


So, what is the downside to the new addition of muscle to the NFL? Well, I don’t know too much about Mark’s football ability, but my prediction is, that if you take the pretty boy out of the USC sunshine and the Trojan QB out of the Pac-Ten’s, cupcake schedule, you’ve got…Matt Leinart.



Ex-Trojans look a lot prettier on the side lines than they do on the field.



White jeans, Mark? Seriously? I hope your on field decisions are better than that!

Yes, I know that he beat Penn State in the Rose Bowl, but that is one of those facts that I only acknowledge in a really small, hidden footnote, in order to minimize its importance and the damage it does to my overall argument. :P