Week 9: DALLAS SUCKS

The Cowgirls are terrible. I mean, really, just terrible. There is almost nothing funny about it. Dallas fans continue to whine about losing Romo and claiming, “It is because we lost Romo. It isn’t easy to win without your quarterback. “

NEWSFLASH DALLAS FANS: You just got your butts kicked, 45-7 by the Green Bay Packers. Sure, the Packers are on a roll this season, but 45-7? Seriously? And you think it is all because you lost Romo? Come on! How many positions did he play? Where’s the defense? What is their excuse? Romo has nothing to do with the Defense. Are they sad because Romo isn’t playing, so they aren’t going to play either?

I hate to tell you this… (Who am I kidding? I love it! )…but it isn’t just Romo, Dallas Sucks! The Cowgirls lost Romo in Week Six against the Giants and they were already 1-4. Losing Romo made things worse, I am sure, but Dallas has sucked since week one. Ask Jerry Jones!

Jerry Jones said he couldn’t believe Dallas was 1-7 PRIOR to their loss to the Packers, which made them 1-7. He counted the loss before his team even took the field. So he knew they were going to lose, but perhaps he thought they’d do better than 45-7 because after the game he said that, “someone would pay.” And before they could get out of Green Bay, Wade Phillips was fired.

I wonder if they even let him ride home?



I guess Jerry Jones has some good in him after all because if he REALLY wanted to make Wade Phillips suffer, he would have made him coach the rest of the season.

Two things, you definitely won’t see every year, happened this week.

This first. Well, I can guarantee you won’t see a 300lb man attempts an NFL field goal very often. With the Lions kicker injured, they moved on to the next best thing- they had defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh, kick an extra point. He missed it, but it was actually kinda cute. It was like watching the Pillsbury Dough Boy try to lift his pudgy little leg passed his soft squishy middle.

Really, the Lions went with him because apparently, he can kick. He actually kicks during practice and won a kicking competition in training camp when he booted a 30-yard field goal. (If he can make a 30 yard field goal, I’ll trade you Lawrence Tynes!)

The Jets won that game in overtime 23-20. Up by 3 with a little over a minute to go, the Lions called a pass play. The incomplete pass, stopped the clock and gave the ball back to the Jets with time for a field goal., to go into OT. Only the Lions! I’m pretty sure they are already playing for a good draft pick.

The other thing you don’t see, every day. The Cleveland Browns beat the New England Patriots, 34-14 and celebrated by drenching their coach in Gatorade. Okay, I guess that is a lot of things you don’t see often. The Browns beating the Patriots, the Browns winning at all and the Browns coach getting drenched in Gatorade (unless it is being thrown at him). So which one am I talking about? Gatorade. The Browns are 3-5. It is not everyday that you will see a team at 3-5 celebrating by pouring Gatorade over their coach. You have lost more games than you won, sometimes I forget that you are a team all together, and you wear those ugly brownish-orange uniforms, but hey, you beat the Patriots! I guess if it weren’t for small victories, they wouldn’t have any. So, CONGRATS CLEVELAND!

But wait, that isn’t the craziest part. There is always more. After the game, Browns coach, Eric Mangini, gave a speech. He said, “I feel like I am that movie Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, you get New England this week and the Jets next week. It’s special.” Huh? Wait! I guess I get it, that movie is about a guy who “screwed” a bunch of girls who are now coming back to haunt him. Not as movie most guys would admit to watching. I am pretty sure the moral of the story was that Matthew McConaughey was a bad person who needed to change his ways and you totally lost me on the “it’s special” part, but then again, I am not the “Man-genius.”

The Vikings (in purple pants!) beat the Arizona Cardinals, 27-24 and Favre ran off the field holding up a number one. Seriously, what is with these 3-5 teams? It was the Arizona Cardinals. Is one win against any team really enough for Gatorade showers and thinking you are number one, these days? Yes Favre, if the two teams in front of you should disappear and be unable to perform their duties of kicking your butt, then you will be number one...in your DIVISION!


Anyway, the Vikings achieved this win without Randy Moss, who is still jobless, and they didn’t let you keep those all purple uniforms, Randy. You could get a job as a Fruit of the Loom grape.


The Giants took pity on the Seahawks this week. They beat them 41-7, but left their quarterback in tact. Perhaps it has something to do with the REAL Steve Smith’s relationship with his old USC coach, Pete Caroll.

Don’t worry Seattle, you still have the nicest shirts in the NFL. I love the green gloves. (How much can you really say about bearing the Seahawks?)

Week Nine: Ilegal Use of a Stretcher

Let’s start with the illegal use of a stretcher. I never want to see anyone get seriously hurt. Ok…occasionally, I may have wished McNabb would trip and break an ankle during a bird dance but, nothing serious or fatal. But come on, no one can seriously tell me they still want to turn on their television and see Brett Favre.

I don’t want the guy to die or get seriously injured. That isn’t necessary, the guy like 200 years old in football years. I was thinking something simple, quick and with only a moderate amount of pain (come on, the guy has retired and unretired so many times he deserves a little twinge of something). Soooo, I may of gotten tired of seeing Favre fake an injury every week just to get out of practice. (Notice how his ankle wasn’t in good enough shape for practice all week, but was miraculously cured for the game???)…and I may have wished a real injury upon him. However, I should have been more specific when I said I wanted to see Favre carted off in a stretcher, but who would have thought…

They pull out the stretcher….I see blood…he’s gonna cry…I know it! Here it comes… He was carted off, in what looked like some serious agony. While he was gone, we sat contemplating, “Is it a broken jaw? He can’t play with a broken jaw. With his jaw wired shut, he won’t be able to change the coach’s call at the line. They won’t know when to hike the ball…I bet he broke his jaw…he won’t even be able to give a press conference! We won’t have to hear him all season!”


A CHIN LACERATION? Seriously? Since when does a chin laceration require a stretcher? A band-aid, of course! Some stitches, probably. But a stretcher? The guy cut his chin! HE CAN WALK! Meanwhile, after the game he was already running his mouth about how he expects to play next week. All of the excitement and we were only Favre free for an hour?

I guess it is better to be safe than sorry when it comes to the elderly, but seriously? A stretcher? If I had a yellow flag, I’d be all over those over reacting, Favre toters for creating a false sense of Favre silence.

Needless to say, the Vikings lost to the Patriots, 18-28 and Randy Moss knows why. Apparently, Moss told his coach what kind of game the Patriots were going to play and Childress opted not to listen. Childress’s answer was “I listened to him, but that was just his opinion about what was going to happen.”

Hmm…. I don’t even know what to think of that. Did Childress think that he knew more about the Pats than Moss? Whatever his alternate plan was…it didn’t work. Then again, I am sure the Patriots plan has changed since trading Moss. What did Moss tell the Vikings?

“I know what they are going to do coach! New England likes to throw deep in the corner…to me!”

Moss’s displeasure didn’t stop at Childress, in his post game interview he shared his feelings with the media. After being fined $25K for refusing to talk to the press after a game, he said he wouldn’t be talking to the media for the rest of the season. Which won’t really be a problem now, since he was placed on the waiver list immediately after his commentary and now has no game to play in. However, the most comical part of his announcement was this.

“From now on if I’m gonna to give an interview its gonna be done by me. I’m gonna acks me da questions and Imma give ya’ll the answers.”
I can see it now.



I’m sure the press will be fighting to get a hold of those interviews.
I don’t think Randy will be homeless for long though. There has been talk of the Dolphins, Rams and even the Jets.

The Jets. Haha. The Jets who got shut out in a 9-0 loss to the Packers this week. I guess they are still waiting on the “Sanchise” to kick in. I wouldn’t hold me breath guys! Actually, on second thought…go ahead. Hold you breath! It isn’t like they have their own stadium to worry about if their team should disappear.

Giants and Eagles were on a BYE this week, but it was still a great week for Giants (and Eagles) football.

The Dallas Cowgirls suffered a 35-17 loss to the Jags. Kitna threw four interceptions. Bad news for Dallas, Romo will be out for at least 6 more losses…I mean weeks. Although, the Cowgirls franchise doesn’t feel that will be too late claiming, “He will be back in time for the Super Bowl.” When?? What Super Bowl is that? 2025?????

I guess, however delusional that statement may have been, at least they stand behind their team...haha..okay, no. That statement was just crazy!!! But Jerry Jones may be a little less crazy (you won’t hear that often). He struggled through a stuttered speech about his disappointment in the team's 1-6 record. He said he never would have predicted this record at the beginning of the season. Of course, you didn’t Jerry. You used to be one of those crazies who thought they were going to the Super Bowl.

Speaking of teams not going to the Super Bowl. It looks like McNabb, despite his new team, will continue to say “there is always next season.” The Redskins lost on Sunday, 25-37. Give them a break, though…they were playing the DETROIT LIONS!

The Redskins benched McNabb for the final two possessions. Mike Shanahan said McNabb didn’t have the "cardiovascular endurance" for a 2-minute offense. Yup, that’s right, McNabb…he just called you FAT! (Too much Chunky Soup?)

Considering McNabb is old, balding and looking a little flabby, this may not have been such an outrageous decision, IF he weren’t replaced with REX GROSSMAN! How out of shape do you have to be to get benched for Sexy Rexy? I would think he’d have to be, at least, 100lbs overweight, winded, limping and maybe even suffering from a life threatening chin laceration to make Grossman seem like a good option. When was the last time Rex threw a ball? Did anyone know he was still in the league?

Than again, remember the last time McNabb played under pressure??


Well, the decision paid off…FOR THE LIONS! Rex stepped in an did what we all (except Shanahan) knew he would do. He dropped the ball…literally. Good call.

NFL UPDATE: Quaterly-ish Report

I know it has been a while and I've got a million excuses (mostly laziness), but the Giants defense has inspired me. So here is an NFL update.

The Giants were off to a slow and sad start. Eli flew all the way to Indianapolis to get embarrassed by his big brother, 38-14. Eli also holds the record for most interceptions that are not the quarterback’s fault. Trust me, Eli made some poor decisions, but he has to hold the record for tipped passes falling into the wrong hands. Either way, it looks like the Giants have stepped it up and their feared defense is leading the way. They spanked, early Super Bowl favorites, Houston Texans, 34-10. Then went on to have 11 sacks against the Bears and despite NFL cracking down on dangerous hits, have taken out FIVE quarterbacks in SIX games without a single dirty hit.

Jay Cutler, Matt Moore, Todd Collins, Shaun Hill and most recently, Tony Romo, in a 41-35 victory over the Cowgirls. Making six straight wins over the Cowboys for the G-men.

The Giants D is going through QBs like Brett Favre goes through retirement speeches. Respect our defense or we will eat your QB, too!


So, how about them Cowgirls? I think I heard something about the Cowboys being NFC favorites earlier this season. Ha. With their current record at 1-5, anyone who picked the Cowboys should immediately go into hiding. But don’t worry, Wade Phillips says “the Cowboys are better than they appeared in the loss to the Giants” (and we all know he is a genius). Really Wade? What are you saving them for then? Let’s see them! Oh wait. That is really convenient to say now, right? Because you won’t be able to show us, without Tony Romo. The Giants were happy to line that excuse up for you! (Insert Cowboy’s fan whining about how they can’t win without Romo, even though they haven’t been winning WITH Romo, either)—what’s that Cowgirls fans? Huh? I can’t hear you back there in LAST PLACE! There is too much cheering going on up here in first!

The Eagles and Redskins are tied for second in the NFC East, and I don’t know how I feel about that. Watching McNabb play the Eagles was the ultimate conundrum for me. It was like choosing between heat rash and poison ivy. Either way, the end result is uncomfortable and unhappy. Life was so much easier when McNabb was an Eagle; all my distaste was neatly packed in one little team. Now, I don’t even know who the Eagles QB is...sometimes it’s Vick, sometimes it’s Kolb, then Vick, then Kolb. As soon as I get used to hating one quarterback, they put in another. MAKE A DECISION!

Speaking of decisions…the Bears are making decisions…poor ones! Just when I could use a McNabb loss, the Bears hand a win to the Redskins, wrapped all up in Jay Cutler with a Lovie Smith bow (Seriously, who names their kid, Lovie?). Sunday, Jay Cutler completed 4 beautiful passes to DeAngelo Hall…no, he wasn’t traded, THEY ARE NOT ON THE SAME TEAM! However, the Bears would have still won the game if good ol’ Lovie were paying attention, when Cutler fumbled AFTER he reached out and broke the plane of the end zone. The touchdown was ruled a fumble and the Redskins recovered. This is where you want to throw that little red flag…but nothing from the Bears so the Redskins went on to beat the Bears 17-14.

It appears the Cutler will continue to make the same poor decisions. In his post-game interview, Cutler said, "I've played against Hall before, there's no reason to shy away from him. That's hard for me to say throwing four picks to the guy but I still think if we had to play him tomorrow I'd go after him every time.'' YOU THREW 4 PICKS TO THE SAME GUY and given the chance, you’d do it again? Huh? Perhaps the Giants hit you in the head harder than you thought, Jay. Sit out a few more weeks.

And the poor decisions, didn’t stop there…what is with that multi-directional plaid shirt?


That picture doesn’t do it justice. I had to crop a video because no one wanted to photograph that mess. Perhaps he is getting tips from Tom Brady.


There is just no excuse for that suit and his hair looks like a cross between Jason Giambi’s greasy mullet and Justin Beibers helmet cut. I guess he’s going for a trailer park version of a teen pop star.

Despite the poor style choices, Brady and the Pats stand at 5-1. The question is, for how long. After trading away Randy Moss the Patriots squeaked by the Chargers this week, 20-23 and I am not sure they would have won, if the Chargers knew the rules of football. Any of them! San Diego receiver, Richard Goodman, put the ball on the ground to celebrate a big catch…which would have been okay, if he had been touched by any one of the Patriots. Knowing he needed to be touched in order to be down, the ball was scooped up by the Pats, as a fumble. Perhaps Goodman should sit down with Jacob Hester, who let an incomplete pass roll on the ground…again might have been okay, if that pass weren’t a lateral making the ball rolling around, free to be picked up by the Patriots. With all those mistakes, New England still only won by a missed 50-yard field goal. It looks like they miss Randy Moss…but they won’t have to for long. Next week, they pay him a visit at the Vikings.

I guess I can’t say Vikings without talking about Favre, since I’ve gotten emails asking how I feel about Favre’s latest scandal. As you all know, former Jets employee Jen Sterger says Brett Favre sent her inappropriate text messages, including a picture of little Favre. Favre admits to calling her, but refuses to comment on the picture messages. Hmmm…guilty much? Lucky for Favre, Sterger refuses to cooperate with the NFL investigation. So my question is, how will they identify these pictures messages as being Favre?

Can you hear Roger Goodell saying, “DROP’EM, FAVRE!...Yup, that’s him.”


Whether it is his ego, his reputation or his shoulder, something about Favre is injured every week. We are used to seeing Favre grab his arm and wince in pain, after an interception. He has done it after each one, as if to say “it wasn’t my fault- my arm hurts.” But at his age, we’ve gotta wonder if he’s still making excuses or if those old bones just can’t handle it anymore. Probably both. The Vikings (2-4) latest loss was a sweet victory for Green Bay. After walking on to Lambeau Field to chants of “Go Back Home!” Favre threw 3 interceptions and walked off the field with a 24-28 loss to the Packers (4-3) and apparently some fractures in his foot. He won’t practice this week (of course he wont!) but he may play on Sunday (of course he will). This convenient recovery makes me think Favre is still a big old faker (emphasis on the word old). But you can’t cover up this loss Favre because when asked about the loss, Childress had no problem saying, “It was Favre’s fault.” See what happens when you step on coach’s toes????

In other news, Super Bowl Champion, Drew Brees, threw four interceptions to the Browns. Yes, the CLEVELAND BROWNS! Two of those were for touchdowns by David Bowens, who in 12 years in the league has scored…2 touchdowns. Yup, those 2. He did have a blocked punt once, though. I can’t really explain what happened in the 30-17 win over the Saints (4-3) because the Browns (2-4) only have one other win against buddies Ocho-Cinco and Ocho-Uno in Cinicinatti who are also 2-4.

But the Browns victory over the Saints wasn’t the most shocking victory on Sunday. The Raiders beat the Broncos 59-14. Beating the Bronco’s (5-2) isn’t surprising, but the RAIDERS scored 59 points. Did they even score 59 points all last season? What about the last 2 seasons?

Despite getting destroyed by the Raiders, we didn’t see any Tim Tebow this week. Maybe next week, against the 49ers, who are a whopping 1-6. Although, Sunday after losing to the Panther (1-5), Singletary announced that he plans to take the 49ers to the playoffs this season. Usually, when a team is 1-6 and coming off a loss to a 1-5, I’d say he was crazy, but considering they play in the NFC West, it is quite possible!

Oops! McNabb Still Sucks! (Retraction, kinda)

Oops! My earlier post said that the Cowgirls lost to McNabb. I got caught up in the whole McNabb failure thing! I got the score right, but the teams wrong.

What really happened is that in the finals seconds, Tony Romo threw a game winning touchdown (that doesn't happen everyday!)... and it didn't happen Sunday either. The Cowboys dancing and cheering in the end zone failed to notice the little yellow flag laying in the grass. HOLDING! No touchdown, no time...and McNabb wins by accident.

It's not everyday you get to see the Cowgirls lose and McNabb fail, in the same game. You can imagine my confusion.

The important part of this game though, is still McNabb sucks! Number of touchdowns as a Redskin...ZERO! (Hey, that's the same number of TD's I have as a Redskin!)

Week One: Mcnabb Fails in Red, too!

Week one is a little delayed because San Diego lost my elimination bowl pick (plus I went to buy my wedding gown)! But seriously, who loses their elimination bowl pick in week one?? Better yet, who loses to the Kansas City Chiefs? The Chargers, that’s who! The best performance by Phillips Rivers was the tantrum he threw on the field when the center failed to snap the ball in time delay of game was called. There was stomping and pouting…he even kicked the ball. (It only went a few yards but hey, that’s a step up from his passing game!) 14-21, Chiefs over Chargers.

I do have another pick left, which was safely placed on the Titans. I was a little hesitant because I find Vince Young to be unpredictable, but I can pick up 10 random people on my way to Oakland and beat the Raiders, so I figured it was a safe bet (then again, I also thought I could beat Kansas City…apparently my football skills are superior to those found in San Deigo)! The Raiders were murdered by the Titans, 13-38.

The season opener was played at the new (and waay cooler than Dallas) Giant Stadium (shut-up Jets fans, you know that’s what its called)! I was a little worried when I saw the Eli Manning sad face in the first quarter, but then something changed... until now, few have you believed in my red glove theory, but now it is time you see the light (or the red gloves).

Interceptions were thrown, Eli’s passes were bouncing off players numbers, slipping out of their hands… then Eli looked over and saw something, something familiar, something comforting…


And next thing you know...

Not one!


Not two!


But THREE touchdown passes to Hakeem Nix.


“But that’s Hakeem Nix, not Plaxico Burress!” This is true, but have you seen those gloves somewhere before?


That’s a nice picture of history being made! Wanna see it from a different angle?

Looks like Deon Sanders in the background there may have lost a few bucks on that game. It is all about the red gloves. 18-31, NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS over Panthers (and “the other” Steve Smith).

The Lions (and Tigers) and Bears. OH MY! Okay, now that I got that out of the way, just when you think the Lions can’t lose anymore, they lose Matt Stafford against the Bears to a shoulder injury and just when we thought they’d been beat by everyone…they get beat by the refs. After the officials called this pass incomplete with 25 seconds left, they handed the Lions their 21st consecutive road loss.

Clearly they are not familiar with the “helmet catch.” 14-19 Bears.

The Cowgirls played the Redskins, which is normally an easy call for me. I hate Dallas and Washington is harmless, but not as easy of a decision this season. I hate the Cowgirls, but I also hate Donovan McNabb. I was torn… but as I watched the game, I realized I love watching Donovan McNabb fail in any color!


Déjà vu? 7-13 Cowgirls over McNabb McNabb over Cowgirls in the most boring game ever. (SEE ABOVE SEMI-RETRACTION FOR CLARIFICATION ON MCNABB'S FAILURE).

I take that back the Ravens beat the Jets in a sleep inducing game, 10-9. I like seeing the Jets fail, too...

Oh, but not as much as the Eagles! McNabb, Kolb, Vick…does it really matter? I can tell you that Michael Vick doesn’t care about the first 2 and he doesn’t care much about the Eagles either for that matter. You know who he does care about? Michael Vick!

Eagle’s starting QB Kevin Kolb suffered a concussion and left at halftime leaving Vick to step in, but of course, no one wants to profit from someone else’s injury, right? WRONG! Despite Kolb’s injury and LOSING 27-20 to the Packers, when Michael Vick was questioned about the game Vick's answer was that he was happy about it. I guess that is all that matters right, Vick? After all, those guys out there in the same color shirt as you, they aren’t there to win games…they are just there to make you happy! Now there is a guy who belongs with the Eagles!

Better watch out Kolb, it appears that if Vick had known sooner that all it took was your injury to get some play time, you wouldn’t have survived the pre-season.

The Colts lost to the Texans. I can only hope big brother Manning does as poorly this week against Eli! 24-34, Houston.

IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!

Last night, I had a dream that an incredibly old man was run over by a car. It was a strange dream but what was really odd was that I wasn’t the least bit sad. I just woke up, washed my face, looked in the mirror and said, “WHO DAT?”

Then it hit me. IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON!

I clearly had that dream because the Saints are going to run over the Vikings tonight, to open the best season of the year…IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON!

The reason I wasn’t sad, when the old man was run over by the car, was because that old man was obviously, Brett Favre! No, I don’t want to see Favre die, but I knew that man in my dream wasn’t dead, because as we all know, it just isn’t that easy to get rid of Brett Favre!





We should be so lucky...his "career" would finally be over- everyone knows the Oakland is where football players go to die. (Sorry, Jason Campbell but you had to know it was coming after your stellar 4-12 season!)

Tonight the Vikings take on the Saints in the Super Dome and finally...IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!!!

Because Making Fun of Favre NEVER Gets Old

A little Super Bowl Commercial Preview...