Week 14: Build me a Dome

I saw a Mark Sanchez commercial, where he said, “What powers me? Determination. A defensive line trying to put me on my back.” Good news, Sanchez. If having a d-line smash you into the turf, gives you power, you should be all powered up after this passed Sunday! The Dolphins sacked Sanchez six times. And even though the Dolphins lost 3 fumbles, had only ONE positive yard in the third quarter and only 131 yards total, we didn’t have to watch one single Jet flying around the field with his arms out like a fairy, or a plane or whatever he is supposed to be. Why is that? Because they didn’t score a single touchdown. Then, just when you thought the Patriots were the only AFC East cheaters, in the third quarter Jets Sal Alosi, New York's strength and conditioning coach, tripped Miami's Nolan Carroll while the rookie was covering a punt. Yup, the coach actually stuck his knee out as the player ran by and tripped him…during the actual punt coverage. Watch it here:



Come on, Jets! Can’t you hear the Eagles fans using this as their next excuse for Michael Vick? “We know that Vick tortured a bunch of defenseless animals, but Stallworth killed someone. We know that Vick is a psychopath, but Plaxico shot himself in the foot, he could have hurt someone… Yeah, we know Vick ran an illegal dog fighting ring, used live puppies as bait for trained killing dogs to develop a hunger for blood, but the Jets coach tripped someone. A human could have been hurt.” (My favorite is “Vick said he was sorry.” Oh well then by all mean, he must be sorry! Let him play!)

Anyway, if the Jets have any class (which is doubtful) Alosi will be leaving his parking pass and badge with security on his way out.

But not to be outdone, the Pats didn’t want to lose their solid reputation as the NFL’s biggest fraud, New England linebacker Brandon Spikes was suspended 4 games for violating the leagues performance-enhancing drug policy. Ready with an excuse the Pats claim the drug was not illegal, but medication for treatment of his attention deficit disorder. (“Vick is a killer, but Spikes took prescription drugs.”)

When asked about why he didn’t clear his attention deficit disorder meds with the NFL, Spikes replied, “ohhhh, look at the bird!”



Even without Spikes, the Patriots had no trouble with the Bears, trampling Chicago 36-7, despite the 26-degree weather and the ceaseless blizzard that took place for 4 quarters. When I saw the field, I couldn’t believe what I saw…

My shock wasn’t so much the weather, as the fact that there was that much white powder in the NFL without a Dallas Cowboy being involved.

The snow didn’t only stand in the way of the Bears; it caused the NFL to post pone the Giants-Vikings game to Monday night. Apparently, the Mall of America Stadium’s dome collapsed under the weight of the snow above. However, the Fox footage of the snow pouring onto the field through a hole in the roof looked a lot to me like the Dome is just joining the rest of us in throwing up at the news of Favre’s 297th injury of the season. Waaaaa! Waaa! Favre, even the Dome wants you out!

(Again, all that white and not a Cowboy in sight!)

Favre was wavering, as he does every week, about whether he would start against the Giants. But at this point, does anyone want him to play? The old man who cried wolf’s latest injury came after he threw one pass last week to the Buffalo Bills. The interception was Favre’s only pass before the big baby claimed to sprain his shoulder so badly he couldn’t return to the game. Good thing for the Vikings, who were losing 7-0 with Favre, went on to beat the Bills 14-38 in his absence. Sooo, did Favre really get hurt this time or did he just want to throw one pass to keep his streak going and get out of the game? (After all, everyone knows he is a team player!)

You should have saved that one pass excuse for this week Favre, considering reports claim you won’t want to be in for more than one play against the Giants defense. Line of the week: “If he plays against the Giants, it would be like feeding a wounded 41-year-old animal to a predator.” No one wants that, old man! Except maybe Eagle’s fans. (Vick might share the same mental characteristics as a serial killer, but the Giants defense beat up on elderly Brett Favre!)

Giants will take on the Vikings in Detroit, tonight and the tickets are free for those who show up. So the stadium will be filled with hoodlums and hooligans, but unlike in Cincy, they will be off the field, not on it.

On a brighter note, this weeks MVP….Jay Feely. Yes, the kicker. (Former NY Giants kicker, but don’t worry, we’ve got Tynes now! Ugh!) Normally beating the Broncos is nothing to be super excited about, however when a kicker does it on his own, it becomes worth mentioning. The Arizona kicker has 5 field goals, a rushing touch down and an extra point, to outscore Denver, 24-13 by himself. If you factor in the rest of the team the final score was 43-13, but Feely scored enough points on his own. He did miss a 45 yarder, but come on, not everyone can be as perfect as Vick. Congrats Feely, you racked up 29 fantasy points yesterday! (Does anything else really matter?)

Week Nine: Ilegal Use of a Stretcher

Let’s start with the illegal use of a stretcher. I never want to see anyone get seriously hurt. Ok…occasionally, I may have wished McNabb would trip and break an ankle during a bird dance but, nothing serious or fatal. But come on, no one can seriously tell me they still want to turn on their television and see Brett Favre.

I don’t want the guy to die or get seriously injured. That isn’t necessary, the guy like 200 years old in football years. I was thinking something simple, quick and with only a moderate amount of pain (come on, the guy has retired and unretired so many times he deserves a little twinge of something). Soooo, I may of gotten tired of seeing Favre fake an injury every week just to get out of practice. (Notice how his ankle wasn’t in good enough shape for practice all week, but was miraculously cured for the game???)…and I may have wished a real injury upon him. However, I should have been more specific when I said I wanted to see Favre carted off in a stretcher, but who would have thought…

They pull out the stretcher….I see blood…he’s gonna cry…I know it! Here it comes… He was carted off, in what looked like some serious agony. While he was gone, we sat contemplating, “Is it a broken jaw? He can’t play with a broken jaw. With his jaw wired shut, he won’t be able to change the coach’s call at the line. They won’t know when to hike the ball…I bet he broke his jaw…he won’t even be able to give a press conference! We won’t have to hear him all season!”


A CHIN LACERATION? Seriously? Since when does a chin laceration require a stretcher? A band-aid, of course! Some stitches, probably. But a stretcher? The guy cut his chin! HE CAN WALK! Meanwhile, after the game he was already running his mouth about how he expects to play next week. All of the excitement and we were only Favre free for an hour?

I guess it is better to be safe than sorry when it comes to the elderly, but seriously? A stretcher? If I had a yellow flag, I’d be all over those over reacting, Favre toters for creating a false sense of Favre silence.

Needless to say, the Vikings lost to the Patriots, 18-28 and Randy Moss knows why. Apparently, Moss told his coach what kind of game the Patriots were going to play and Childress opted not to listen. Childress’s answer was “I listened to him, but that was just his opinion about what was going to happen.”

Hmm…. I don’t even know what to think of that. Did Childress think that he knew more about the Pats than Moss? Whatever his alternate plan was…it didn’t work. Then again, I am sure the Patriots plan has changed since trading Moss. What did Moss tell the Vikings?

“I know what they are going to do coach! New England likes to throw deep in the corner…to me!”

Moss’s displeasure didn’t stop at Childress, in his post game interview he shared his feelings with the media. After being fined $25K for refusing to talk to the press after a game, he said he wouldn’t be talking to the media for the rest of the season. Which won’t really be a problem now, since he was placed on the waiver list immediately after his commentary and now has no game to play in. However, the most comical part of his announcement was this.

“From now on if I’m gonna to give an interview its gonna be done by me. I’m gonna acks me da questions and Imma give ya’ll the answers.”
I can see it now.



I’m sure the press will be fighting to get a hold of those interviews.
I don’t think Randy will be homeless for long though. There has been talk of the Dolphins, Rams and even the Jets.

The Jets. Haha. The Jets who got shut out in a 9-0 loss to the Packers this week. I guess they are still waiting on the “Sanchise” to kick in. I wouldn’t hold me breath guys! Actually, on second thought…go ahead. Hold you breath! It isn’t like they have their own stadium to worry about if their team should disappear.

Giants and Eagles were on a BYE this week, but it was still a great week for Giants (and Eagles) football.

The Dallas Cowgirls suffered a 35-17 loss to the Jags. Kitna threw four interceptions. Bad news for Dallas, Romo will be out for at least 6 more losses…I mean weeks. Although, the Cowgirls franchise doesn’t feel that will be too late claiming, “He will be back in time for the Super Bowl.” When?? What Super Bowl is that? 2025?????

I guess, however delusional that statement may have been, at least they stand behind their team...haha..okay, no. That statement was just crazy!!! But Jerry Jones may be a little less crazy (you won’t hear that often). He struggled through a stuttered speech about his disappointment in the team's 1-6 record. He said he never would have predicted this record at the beginning of the season. Of course, you didn’t Jerry. You used to be one of those crazies who thought they were going to the Super Bowl.

Speaking of teams not going to the Super Bowl. It looks like McNabb, despite his new team, will continue to say “there is always next season.” The Redskins lost on Sunday, 25-37. Give them a break, though…they were playing the DETROIT LIONS!

The Redskins benched McNabb for the final two possessions. Mike Shanahan said McNabb didn’t have the "cardiovascular endurance" for a 2-minute offense. Yup, that’s right, McNabb…he just called you FAT! (Too much Chunky Soup?)

Considering McNabb is old, balding and looking a little flabby, this may not have been such an outrageous decision, IF he weren’t replaced with REX GROSSMAN! How out of shape do you have to be to get benched for Sexy Rexy? I would think he’d have to be, at least, 100lbs overweight, winded, limping and maybe even suffering from a life threatening chin laceration to make Grossman seem like a good option. When was the last time Rex threw a ball? Did anyone know he was still in the league?

Than again, remember the last time McNabb played under pressure??


Well, the decision paid off…FOR THE LIONS! Rex stepped in an did what we all (except Shanahan) knew he would do. He dropped the ball…literally. Good call.

IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!

Last night, I had a dream that an incredibly old man was run over by a car. It was a strange dream but what was really odd was that I wasn’t the least bit sad. I just woke up, washed my face, looked in the mirror and said, “WHO DAT?”

Then it hit me. IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON!

I clearly had that dream because the Saints are going to run over the Vikings tonight, to open the best season of the year…IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON!

The reason I wasn’t sad, when the old man was run over by the car, was because that old man was obviously, Brett Favre! No, I don’t want to see Favre die, but I knew that man in my dream wasn’t dead, because as we all know, it just isn’t that easy to get rid of Brett Favre!





We should be so lucky...his "career" would finally be over- everyone knows the Oakland is where football players go to die. (Sorry, Jason Campbell but you had to know it was coming after your stellar 4-12 season!)

Tonight the Vikings take on the Saints in the Super Dome and finally...IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!!!

Because Making Fun of Favre NEVER Gets Old

A little Super Bowl Commercial Preview...

NFL Recap: Week Seven

Before I start, I would like to take a moment of silence for the tragedy that occurred this weekend…

Yes, I am talking about the Giants-Eagles game. It was terrible. It was sad. It was tragic. And at a time like this, I would usually do what any other Giants fan would do (no, not make excuses, that’s what Eagles do)…I would turn to the Dallas Cowgirls. But I can’t, because they played the Seahawks this week, which undoubtedly means, they won (17-38, Dallas). Which leaves me with….

“Eli!!! Your team is wearing white jerseys! Throw to the white jerseys! What is wrong with you?” “Tuck? Where were you? Have too many Eagles on your fantasy team? I hope you didn’t draft yourself, because you didn’t do a damn thing!!!”



That explains why you dropped that interception!

But what about the rest of the defense? Do they know the season isn ‘t over yet? I haven’t seen them in 3 games! You can’t possibly have everyone on your fantasy team. Did you forget how to play?

I know one play you didn’t forget…running Jacobs up the middle. If it didn’t work the first 500 times, it isn’t going to work the 501st. Call another play! Any other play! Call a freakin’ flea flicker, I don’t care...but that one isn’t working!!!! Fake field goal? Just not Jacobs! 17-40, Eagles. So, how bout them Yankees?

After the G-men, I wasn’t much in the mood for football, but there were several games, I am sure that no one watched.

Good news for St. Louis. The Rams won, in the only way they possibly could…they played the Lions. With one win each, both teams are probably done for the season. Good talk guys, see ya next year!

Cleveland and Denver weren’t in the mood for football either.

After 2 straight losses the Bears needed some practice, and who better to do it against than the Browns. But any offensive effort was a waste of energy…with 5 turnovers for Cleveland, all the Bears really had to do was stand around and watch the Browns lose. In fact, the Browns were so desperate, they put Quinn back in. Yeah, that’s gonna be an improvement! Put ME in coach!!!! (6-30, Chicago).

The unbeated Broncos took a day off against the Baltimore Ravens. When asked what happened, Kyle Orton said “we really didn’t do all that much.” Really? Ya think? (7-30, Baltimore).

Brett Favre and what ever team he plays for this week, returned to Green Bay and of course, the media (who didn’t mention Favre’s loss last week) made the old man look like a hero. I can’t be the only one who hates this guy. If I lived in Green Bay, I’d be waiting by Favre’s hotel, with my foot out! But instead the lovely Packers fans voted on “tasteful” ways to Welcome Fav-ruh home!

The Cheese-heads had several good ideas.

*Play a video of all of Favre’s interceptions over the years. (My favorite)
*Make a huge waffle, in the shape of a 4. (Get it. Waffle- in ability to make a decision).
* Hang him in effigy outside Lambeau Field. ( That might not fit the mayor’s definition of “tasteful.”)

What would I have done? (Besides handed out my “Favre, throughout the Tears” post, where I highlight all the time he has cried. ) I would have let Aaron Rodgers wear the number 4.

I can see the NFL's oldest cry baby now!

They did make nice shirts though.


Tennessee over Jacksonville, 13-30. But the best part of that game was a toss up between Gus Johnson saying Chris Johnson ran “like he was being chased by the cops” on his TD run and the awkward silence that followed it. Good call, buddy!

Move on, Judas!

As much as I love being able post pictures of Brett Favre crying on any given week, when I am too lazy to Photo shop a Dallas Cowboy behind bars (they don’t release the real pictures) or an incredibly confused by the NFL, Donovan McNabb (doesn’t require much photoshopping), I want Brett, off my TV!

Brett Favre is a 40-year-old, brittle-boned man. His beard is grey. Ice cream bothers his sensitive teeth. (He is scared of an ice cream cone, See Sensodyne commercial). He cries like a hormonal pregnant woman… (See, Brett Favre, Throughout the Tears)

The Viking Fans have been quoted as saying “Sage Rosenfels can play better than a 40-year-old- Brett Favre out there.” Sage Rosenfels! He is a man, named Sage! (Do I need to remind you of the various, Sage is a stripper’s name posts of last season? See, What's in a Name: The Sissy Name Theory, Week Nine in the NFL, and Week Six in the NFL)

So why are Brett Favre and Brad Childress (Minnesota Viking’s Head Coach) sharing some quality time at Favre's Mississippi home? Maybe they are “fishin' them some catfish?” Or maybe Mr. Childress likes him some fried pickles and sweet potato pie? (I happened to like fried pickles, incase you were wondering). Doubt it, though.

Whether or not Childress was sharing wholesome southern cooking with Favre has yet to be determined, but his reason for being there is obvious…

Brett Favre doesn't want to be a Viking...he wants to stick it to the Green Bay Packers!

"JUDAS!!!!!!"




Have you forgotten that it was the Green Bay Packers that picked your skinny white butt off the Atlanta Falcon’s bench and gave you the opportunity of a lifetime? The Green Bay Packer’s taught us how to say Favre (Far-v ) and made it a household name that appeared in sentences with names like, Montana, Elway, Marino, Bradshaw, Tarkenton, Unitas, Graham, Baugh and Starr. (By the way, you know what those guys did, that you didn’t? RETIRE!) The Green Bay Packers made you the scandal-free, loveable, American quarterback, hated by no one, adored by the state of Wisconsin (not that much else is going on there) and idolized by children proud to wear the #4 jersey in green and gold. (A reputation, you single handedly destroyed with your first “unretirement”).

So why are you so ungrateful, Judas? Is it the bitter taste that, being defeated by the QB you replaced, left in you mouth? (Go Pennington!) Do you blame Green Bay for that? Do you blame the Packers for honoring the commitment they made to Aaron Rodgers, the player who patiently sat in your shadow, after you had said you were leaving the team? The Packers wouldn’t go back on their word and you got stuck playing for the Jets, where the only thing you succeeding in doing was making “unretire” a commonly used word and annoying football fans every where with your incessant crying. You went from the classic American QB to the player who just won’t go away!

GET OFF MY TV!

The Packers have moved on...and so should you, Fav-ruh!

Interesting Fact: My mother called while I was photoshopping and asked what I was doing. When I casually said, "Just turning Brett Favre into Judas..." she thought nothing of it.

So, for good measure and hoping to keep Favre OUT OF THE NFL, FOR GOOD, here is that song we all love, once again:

'Clutch' Retirement Take Two: QB Who Cried Wolf

In case you don't know the story of the little boy who cried wolf, you can read it HERE. But the it's about a boy who lies about a wolf and because he is lying no one believes him and he gets eaten by a wolf. So basically, I don't believe you, FAVRE!

Brett Fav-ruh, once again says he is retiring. (THANK GOD!) The problem is, he said that last year and we all know how that turned out.

My Sports Center was filled with hours of a non-stop Fav-ruh drama fest, tears included! He cried cause he retired and he cried because he wanted to come back and he cried because the Packer's didn't want him and he cried because he signed with the Jets; Then he cried because he's too old and he cried because he sucks at football and then he cried because he ultimately got his "Return from 3 days of Retirement" shoved in his face by the very Quarterback he replaced....and then he cried because he didn't even make the post season!



So will Brett Favre finally disappear into a Mississippi life of crop growin' and tractor fixin? Who know? We should be so lucky; I am tired of seeing him already, but I am holding out on my Favre-free excitement until at least pre-season.

Wonder how the rest of the NFL is reacting?








If Brett would have retired the first time, he might have been missed, but now, before you know it we'll be back to putting our E's before our R's and forgetting #4. GET OFF MY TV FAVRE!

Check out Brett's highlight posts.

Brett Fav-ruh, Throughout the Tears

Everybody Hates Fav-ruh

Jenny Says Favre Sucks!

Favre Wins a Game!

Favre's Ultimate Loss (before the Pennington one)

Pull up your skirt, Favre!

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE! The NEVER SAYO GOOD BYE VIDEO!

Everbody Hates Favre!

Thomas Jones threw Brett Favre under the Madden Horse Trailer this week when he told the world...
"The other day, the three interceptions really hurt us. I mean, that's just reality... If I were to sit here and say, 'Oh, man, it's OK,' that's not reality. ... I don't like it, I know everybody else on the team doesn't like it!"
He wanted Brett Favre out of the game when he was playing poorly and felt like the NFL's cry baby was getting special treatment.
"If somebody is not playing well, they need to come out of the game. You're jeopardizing the whole team because you're having a bad day. To me, that's not fair to everybody else. You're not the only one on the team. So when you get to the wire and somebody is just giving the game up, I mean, it's just not [fair]."


But Thomas Jones wasn't the only one....
Safety Kerry Rhodes gave Fav-ruh an ultimatum, "If he's dedicated and he wants to come back and do this, and do it the right way ... and be here when we're here in training camp and the minicamps and working out with us ... then I'm fine with it. But don't come back if it's going to be half-hearted or he doesn't want to put the time in with us."

But is all this hostility really over Favre's chokingly delicious performance against the Dolphins? Or is it his 'Tiki Barber-like' attitude?


Other Jets were quoted as calling Favre a "distant" teammate. He refused to eat with his teammates, didn't engage in team activities and spent his downtime away from teammates in an office specially designated for him refusing to socialize with other players.
My favorite was a player quoted as saying "The guy throws the ball all over the place and no one calls him out on it!"

Looks like Favre's inability to play well with others extends past the field of play and into the locker room. Go easy on him guys, you wouldn't want to force him into retirement, before he is ready...

Final Week in Regular Season Recap: "Jenny Says"

The final week in the NFL always has a bunch of games that mean nothing and no one cares about, so to talk about all of them would be a waste of time. So I have decided that for this weeks recap, we are going to play a little game you may be familiar with called "Jenny says..." (yeah, just like the song) This is how it works, it is kinda like Simon Says only totally different. I think you will get it. There were 2 major "stars" this week in the NFL, see if you can figure who they were.

Jenny says, "Raise your hand if you completed less than 50% of your passes this week!"



Jenny says, "Raise your hand if you turned the ball over more than three times this week!"



Jenny says, "Raise your hand if your team if not going to the play-offs and it is all your fault!"



Jenny says, "Just stand in front of the mic and look like the Perdue Chicken Guy if you won as many NFL games this season as she did and that your future role as a coach in the NFL is the same as hers!"


Jenny says, "Shed a tear if you are an overage cry baby whose team wishes they had never traded away their quarterback for because now that guy is going to the playoffs and they aren’t."


Jenny says, "Keep crying if you were to retire now the last thing you did as an NFL player was throw an interception to keep your team from going to the playoffs!"


Jenny says, "Cry if a coach got fired just for hiring you as the teams quarterback!"

Jenny says, "Look like a sore loser if you ran off the field and refused to shake Chad Penningtons hand after he beat you for a spot in the playoffs and made a fool of you on National TV!"


The Eagles needed a miracle to go to the play offs and they got it.
Buc lost to the Raiders, 24-31.
Giants lost to the Vikings, 19-20.
Bear lost to the Texans 34-21.
Everyone of those games were upsets and everyone of them were needed for the Eagles to go to the playoffs. McNabb only had to complete 12 passes to get there because the Cowgirls had 5 turnovers, to lose 44-6.

Chad Pennington and the Miami Dolphins had the biggest come back season, winning ten games more than the Dolphins did last year to take a spot in the playoffs, over Brett Favre.

Week Fifteen in the NFL Recap

*I know as so many of you reminded me, week 16 starts tomorrow, but it is hard to write a football blog when your team fails to score a single TD. Gimme a break and enjoy.

As I am sure you know by now, I am a Giants fan. That is the World Champion New York Football Giants, I am referring to, by the way.
As you also know the Giants (up until recently) have had a stellar 2008 season as the reigning Super Bowl Champions and I have loved every minute of every opportunity I have had to rub their eleven wins in the face of World Champion doubters.
However, it appears, they have now reverted to mediocre football and a questionable effort, at best. So it is only fair, that I address their shortcomings, as I would for others.
In the last two games, I have watched the G-men flop around on the football field like last years Dolphins(maybe not that bad…). It is true that the World Champions have been faced with many obstacles in the past weeks, from the Plaxico Burress foolishness to the injury of Brandon Jacobs, but even though I love my Giants, does that really excuse the lack of offensive touchdowns and Eli Manning being sacked 8 times? How many touchdown passes do you expect from a QB lying flat on his back? Where was the O-line that only allowed 15 sacks all season?
Well, I hate to provide another excuse for the G-men under performing, but it appears that Tony Romo and the Cowgirls may have taken advantage of the Giants off-field distractions and provided a little distraction of their own.
Sun-sentinal reported that security at the Stadium had to remove a female fan who was wearing a rather 'racy' Santa outfit and carrying inappropriate signs. Security said that there were children present at the game and her fishnet stockings, bathing suit bottom and high-heeled boots were not suitable for their viewing. The girls response, "you couldn't even see my underwear!" (Yes, that is what she actually said.) Who was this distraction?

(http://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/sfl-ginstfan08,0,5429105.story)
*Note, this actually took place at the Eagles-Giants game in New York, where it was, probably about 20 degrees.
Giants disgraced themselves against the Cowgirls this week, 20-8.

Well, at least we are not the Washington Redskins, right? This Thursday, the 'Skins fumbled their way to a loss against the Cincinnati Bengals. Eleven other teams managed to beat the Bengals, by doing the only thing you have to do, in order to beat them...showing up! Washington just couldn't hang on to the ball, fumbling like a team of 'Tony Romo's in the post season.' The Bengals racked up Big win number 2 and the Skin's fall to 7 and irrelevant. (See ya next season, guys!)

Speaking of irrelevant.
Seattle 23- St. Louis 20.
San Diego 22- Kansas City 21
Philadelphia 30, Cleveland 10.


Actually, I had a request for San Diego, Kansas City. So lets talk about how the Chiefs managed to blow a 21-3 lead, which they were still holding in the 3rd.
After a field goal, the struggling Chargers placed their post season prayers on an onside kick and the football gods were listening. After the ball bounced of the chest of a KC Chief, the Chargers recovered and marched right into the end zone, scoring a touchdown, they couldn’t manage to score the entire game. However, it appeared there was a football god who had the Chiefs in this weeks football pool, because KC got the ball back with plenty of time and a delay of game penalty put them within field goal range. However, only one teams prayers could be answered and it looks like the Bolts prayed harder because the ball was shanked to the left, and after a 21-3 lead, Chiefs lost to Chargers, 22-21.

But that wasn’t the biggest “oops” of the week...
Buffalo Bills lead the New York Bretts with 1:54 on the clock. Buffalo with the ball had to complete one simple task to win the game and knock Blubbering Brett Favre out of the AFC South play-off spot...run out the clock. Hold on tight to the ball and run it. But instead Buffalo decided to opt for the pass, and a ticket home. Instead of running out the clock, Losman fumbled the ball (See Tony Romo in NFC Championship game), which was recovered by a Jet, who fumbled the ball toward the end zone, picked up by another Jet, who was pushed into the end zone by a tackle from a Bill. It was what I am sure Brett Favre would describe as a tear-jerking play for both teams. Bretts over Bills, 31-27.


Indy v. Detroit was half relevant. Peyton Manning showed his obvious favorites and through for 142 yards to Clark and 104 yards to Wayne. Leading the Colts to their seventh straight win and making them a serious post season, Super Bowl contender. As for their opponents...well, we will all be hearing about Detroit in the post-season...everyone will be calling them with trades to secure their uncontested number one draft pick. 21-31, Indy.


Bear beat the Saints in the Dome. It was a rough day for the Saints, who despite allowing 2 kick returns for touchdowns, hung on for over time where, PENN STATER, Robbie Gould kicked one through the uprights to win by three. Bears over Saints, 27-24.
Same deal in the other Dome, where this time the home team took the 3 point over time lead to win. Atlanta and Tampa Bay battled out the lead for both the game and the NFC wild card spot, both teams now 9-5, but the Falcons took home the W. (Well, they were already home, but you know what I mean. ) 10-13, Falcons.

Oops. Did I miss Green Bay and Jacksonville on my list of irrelevants? Add Jacksonville 20, Green Bay 13, to the “who cares?” column.

Wow. There are still a lot of games left to talk about. Long week.

Minnesota Vikings beat the Arizona Cardinals, 35-14. Perhaps I should say Adriene Peterson beat the Arizona Cards. Sure Minnesota’s QB, whatever his name is, threw for 4 TD’s but it was Peterson’s 165 yards rushing that got them there. I wonder, (Giants included), do teams really watch game tape? If you opponent has one player and one play...shouldn’t your game plan be, “shut him down?” Another reason, I should be the NFL’s first female coach...well, I guess, I would be the second, after this one:


Baltimore played Pittsburgh and you would think that with the amount of drama involved...that the Cowgirls were playing. What exactly are the rules of football? The winning TD was scared when Holmes caught the ball with 2 feet in the end zone but the ball outside the end zone. Being ruled a TD, the Ravens challenge was unsuccessful, because there was no conclusive evidence to overturn the call, but had it been called “No TD” that also would have stood. Huh? What the really mean is the referees stood in a circle saying “Did the ball break the plane? Did it not break the plane? Wait! Does it even have to break the plan? I don’t know. Do you? Anyone have a rule book.?” And when the 90 seconds allowed for review was up, they had no answer and the play stood as called. Drama didn’t end there, after the game the Steelers celebrated like they won the Super Bowl, telling the Ravens they were the #1 defense. (Who cares, by the way?) Ray Lewis said “they only had one drive, they didn’t make plays all game.” to which Holmes said “we made plays when it counted!” Again, WHO CARES? Regardless of who made what play when and if it was even in compliance with the NFL rules, Pittsburgh won 13-9.

New England beat Oakland 49-26, but me and nine friends can beat Oakland (yeah, I know that only equals ten, I am trying to help the Raiders out.) So the real point of this game is, who the heck in the AFC East is going to the playoffs? There is a 3-way tie and the only thing that is for sure is that Brett Favre will cry. (You thought I was going to say Buffalo isn’t going, huh? Well, that is also true.)

The other AFC East playoff spot contender is the surprising Miami Dolphins. They continue to play ugly but extremely efficient football. Never scoring a single point more than they have to the Dolphins defense beat the Niners 14-9. The only stand out performance was the one Joey Porter gave in support of Plaxico Burress’s gun toting philosophy.

Porter carries a gun himself and thinks that all NFL players need to protect themselves by carrying a weapon. Maybe you are right, Mr. Porter. Maybe we are being too hard on Plax, but before you lead your crusade to change the NFL to National Firearms League, allow me to remind you, Plaxico is allowed to carry a weapon, he just has to also carry a permit and registration...and if he would like to use it to shoot himself in the leg, far be it of us to stop him, but me must do so in a location where he does not place those who want to keep their limbs, in danger. To put it simply...

Week Fourteen in the NFL Recap

It is only fair: Yes, I watched the Giants' game this week. They played like...like the Oakland Raiders, out there. Dropped passes, missed tackles. They didn't cover Brian Westbrook!! How could they not cover Brian Westbrook? The Eagles only have one play! Nothing went right for the G-men. Hixon played in the place of Burress and perhaps, in an exhausted attempt to prove they didn't need Plax, the offense forced the ball to Hixon, who dropped a pass that hit him in the chest and would have otherwise, been a touchdown. The Eagles ran the same play over and over. Donovan McNabb played his usual B.S. football and still the Giants didn't catch on. What happened out there guys? 20-14, Philly.

Despite losing to the Eagles, joke of a football team, the Giants clinched the NFC playoff spot this week at 11-2. And in response to McNabb's taunting and waving at the Giants' fans, Eli has this to say (If you can't read it, click on the letter):


The Chargers played the Raiders. Normally, I would say nothing more about these teams, but this game contained a few significant events for Los Angeles Oakland and San Diego; It marked the second win, in seven games for the Chargers, of course, it was against the Oakland Raiders, but a W is a W! Right? L.T. is back, with 91 yards rushing, compared to last weeks 24 and Rivers threw 3 touchdown passes. Jamarcus Russell was carted of the field in the second quarter, but I am not sure if he was hurt or embarrassed, because he did have 2 interceptions and a fumble right before this alleged injury and he is an abnormally large QB, you'd think he wouldn't be easily injured...unless of course that injury was to his ego. (How much "ego" do you really have left at 3-10?) 34-7, Chargers.

The Jags continue to be the biggest flop in the NFL this year (we never thought the Lions were going anywhere) with their fourth straight loss being to the Chicago Bears. At the beginning of the seasons, everyone thought that Jacksonville was going somewhere, and they still are; They're going home in three weeks. The Bears didn't look so bad out there, too bad their playoff hopes were contingent upon the Detroit Lions beating Minnesota. Seriously, the Lions! You can't imagine they were too hopeful, right? 23-10 Chicago.

I would like to thank Pittsburgh for contributing to the New York Football Giants NFC East Champion-dom, by exposing Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowgirls for the fumbling fools that they are. Tony Romo threw 3 interceptions and one of them, in true Romo, 44% passer rating fashion, was to lose the game. PICTURE THIS: Game is tied up at 13, 2 minutes left on the clock. Dallas has the ball. 2nd and 8. Romo is back to pass...short one, up the middle, PICK SIX! If you missed it, it looked something like this:


The Tennessee Titans remain with just one loss. Despite 3 turnovers, they beat the Brown's this week, who if you remember are playing with "Whatever Happened to" Ken Dorsey. (Yes, that explains the win, despite the 2 turnovers). Highlights? Cleveland finished the game with 178 offensive yards...total! Chris Johnson alone, finished with 136 yards rushing for the Titans. Ken Dorsey had 5 less yards passing than Kerri Collins, but made twice as many attempts. In case you were wondering, that is what happened to Ken Dorsey. 28-9, Titans.

Perhaps the best game to watch this Sunday was Atlanta @ New Orleans. Each team finished with exactly 414 offensive yards. Matt Ryan continued to play like, Rookie of the year with 313 yards passing. The game was close for each of the 4 quarters. But a court ruling put some of the Saints back on the field and the second year, undrafted RB, Pierre Thomas (I guess the "Sissy name rule" doesn't apply to him) had 102 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns, to lead the Saints over the Falcons, 29-25.

Matt Schaub marked his return to the field with 414 yards passing, in Green Bay. It was cold for the Texans and Matt wore a brace on his leg, but the only Houston mistake was a fumbled punt return by Jacoby Jones. (Ah, there is the "sissy name rule" in effect!) Steve Slaton is giving Matt Ryan a run for his money at Rookie of the year, literally. Slaton had 120 yards rushing (10 less than last week). The best play by Houston however, came from Punter, Matt Turk, who improvised, what looked like his own punt-fake call. After receiving the snap, it appeared that Turk was thinking "Hey, you know, I always wanted to run a fake punt and they never let me, I think I will run one now!" However, there was no audible by the Punter. It turns out that Turk had no choice but to run with the ball to avoid a blocked punt and in fear for his life, he ran for an 18 yard gain. "I was running for my life, I tell you! That's when I run fastest: when someone is chasing me." Punters are so cute and fragile.

The Dolphins are not going down without a fight. This week, Miami played Buffalo in Toronto, Canada. I would love to seize the opportunity to insert a Canada joke here, but to be honest, I don't know a single thing about Canada, other than I have no need or desire to go there. There were no stand out offensive players, in the game but, the Miami defense held Buffalo to a single field goal, to sweep the Bills and keep their dim playoff hopes alive. 16-3, Miami.


Are those tears I see there, Fav-ruh? Well, this week you cry with good reason. Brett Favre was 20/31 for 137 yards, ZERO touchdowns and 1 interception...AGAINST THE NINERS! The Jets had 182 offensive yards, AGAINST THE NINERS! The Jets were dominated in every statistical category, AGAINST THE NINERS! Are you getting the picture? 24-14, NINERS!

I feel sorry for Seattle, every time I see them play. Seneca Wallace threw for 3 touchdowns and had no interceptions, but they still couldn't catch a break. Wes Walker broke out 134 yards receiving for the Pats and helped Matt Cassel convert a two point conversion to give New England a 3 point lead over the 'Hawks. Ddespite stepping up at QB this week, a Wallace fumble allowed New England to run out the clock, hanging on to that 3 point lead and beating Seattle, 24-21.

I know I usually refer to the Denver Broncos game only by Jay Cutler's performance, and this week is no different. In the Broncos domination over the. remnants of a football team. we refer to as the Kansas City Chiefs, Jay Cutler completed passes to 8 different receivers and 2 for touchdowns. I hope you didn't want more highlights cause they played the Chiefs. I think you know what happened. 24-17, Denver.

Arizona clinched their division this week with an easy win over the St. Louis Rams. Again, not sure you are expecting any highlights...it was the St. Louis Rams. 34-10, Cards.

Washington doesn't want to give that last place spot in the NFC East to the Eagles without a fight. Campbell did his part in the quest for last place with two interceptions and Portis added a fumble. But let's not discredit the Raven's defense which finally showed why they are ranked so highly...or maybe only one player should be ranked that highly. The Ravens defense consists of one man, Ed Reed. Reed had both interceptions, forced a fumble and had six tackles and a sack, holding Clinton Portis to 32 yards rushing and single handedly beating the Redskins. 24-10, Ed Reed over Washington.

I forgot about the Colts. It was probably because they were just the latest team to give an old-fashion beat down to the Bengals. Three touchdown passes for this Manning brother, this week, and four turnovers by Cincy put Indy on top, 35-3.

Something else I forgot:
INTERESTING YET USELESS NFL FACT:
Almost every game you hear the announcer say something like, "the Giants are undefeated against the Eagles when wearing their throwback jersey." (which they never wear) Who cares? No one. But they still put it on the screen. So this week, I have one. I watched ALL of the 1:00 games this Sunday, at the same time and at 1:47 pm (EST), exactly three things happened, AT THE SAME TIME:


1. Derrick Ward, FUMBLE! (GIANTS v.Eagles)
2. Own Daniels, FUMBLE! (TEXANS v. Packers)
3. Dallas Clark, FUMBLE! (COLTS v. Bengals)
Obviously, those pictures are not the actual fumbles, especially since Ward's elbow is down and he is still in possession. But if you doubt me, go ahead and check the game recaps and play by plays. They all fumbled, at the EXACT SAME TIME!

MNF:
Jonathon Stewart had 115 yards rushing for the Carolina Panthers and he was SECOND to DeAngelo Williams, who had ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT SIX YARDS RUSHING! 2 touchdowns for each of them. (DO YOU HEAR THAT GIANTS??? WORK ON THAT RUSH DEFENSE!!!)Antonio Bryant had 200 yards receiving for the Bucs, but it just wasn't enough. Carolina over Tampa Bay, 38-23.

Week Thirteen in the NFL Recap

One down two more to go. Looks like after Plaxico’s latest display of stupidity the Giants said “Screw this Pilgrims and Indians Thanksgiving stuff!” and showed no mercy to the Redskins of Washington. Thanksgiving was over and so was the time to play nice. The WORLD CHAMPION NY FOOTBALL GIANTS played as if Burress was already on the Dallas Cowgirl’s Roster of Criminals. The Redskins put “eight and nine men in the box,” but they were no match for Eli who threw his career high 239 yards in the first half and Derrick Ward who had a career high 75 yards receiving. 23-7, Giants.

Awwww, Come on! It's cute! He has 8 Redskins in the box! :)

What can I say about a game where the winning team has only 195 TOTAL yards? Marshawn Lynch had 134 yards rushing for Buffalo; that is only 60 yards less than the Niners had, total and only 35 yards less than Hill (Niner’s QB- its okay, I didn’t know who he was either) had passing. So how in the world did the Bills lose this game? Well, 4 of their trips to the Red Zone yielded a combined total of ZERO points. It didn’t help that Rian Lindell, missed TWO kicks and one from 20-yards out. See moms, that’s what happens when you try to give your kids girly names like Sage or cutesy spellings like R-I-A-N...they SUCK at football! Ryan is spelled with a “y.” Niners over Bills, 10-3.

The Niner’s lack of offensive yardage was nothing compared to the 155 yards racked up by Cincy, however the Bengals were the losing team. Unlike the Bills, the Baltimore Ravens took advantage of their opponent's complete lack of football skills and racked up 450 yards of offense, throwing in a touchdown pass by wide receiver, Mark Clayton for show. Willis McGahee was active but didn’t play. I am sure they were thinking one of two things, “Ahhh, we are playing the Bengals, just put anybody in...” or “Hey guys, wanna screw with some fantasy teams?” Either way, they didn’t need him. 34-3, Ravens. (Note: since getting spanked by the Giants, the Ravens now have the NUMBER TWO defense in the NFL as opposed to number one).


Marcus Colston had 106 yards receiving for the Saints....
Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Drew Brees had 3 interceptions and the running game wasn’t available for this game. Reggie Bush returned for 3 rushing attempts but broke even at 0 total yards. Garcia sucks, I don’t care if the Bucs are 9-3. Defense won this game for Tampa Bay, holding the Saints to 2.4 yard per carry. 23-20, Bucs.

Field goals and defense. What else is new in a game played by the Miami Dolphins? A win is a win but, my God are they boring! The most interesting part of the Miami-St. Louis game was betting how many more interceptions Marc Bulger could throw; I was disappointed to see him stop at 3, I thought he had a few more in him. There were 7 successful field goals in the game and the final score was 16-12, Miami, so if you didn’t watch it, you missed nothing.


Since we are already on the subject of boring. I am stripping Peyton Manning of all of his movie covers. He can keep doing commercials though, I wouldn’t deny myself those! He is hilarious! What isn’t funny, are his stats for Sunday’s game against the Browns. Peyton “the lesser” Manning was 15/21 for 125 yards, 0 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. Lucky for the NFL’s funny man, that’s all you need to beat the Brown’s these days. (Shut up! I know they beat the Giants.) By the way, Did anyone ever wonder what happened to Ken Dorsey? You know the University of Miami quarterback that was a Heisman candidate the same year as Larry Johnson, Willis McGahee, and Carson Palmer? Well, he plays..or sits, 4th string,for the Browns now. SUCKERS! He came in long enough to throw 3 incomplete passes and an interception. 10-6, Colts.

I am not sure where Green Bay didn’t catch on, but it is obvious that the Carolina Panthers have 2 plays. Option 1: Throw to Steve Smith, who had 60% of the total yards receiving. Option 2: Run DeAngelo Williams, who had 4 rushing touchdowns. It never occurred to the Green Bay defense to shut those two down and, hey, if it works, keep doing it. For that reason, despite dominating the clock and total yardage, the Packers lost to the Panthers 31-35.

Atlanta played a sloppy game with 3 turnovers, but it was enough for cute little Matt Ryan and the Falcons to beat the worst passing defense in the NFL, San Diego Chargers. Phillip Rivers had no touchdowns at home for the first time this season. It looked like Turner who used to sit the bench behind Tomlinson was taking some notes, and had 120 yards rushing against LT’s 24. Congrats to the Falcons, this week marks them winning twice as many games as they did last season.

Jay Cutler is a complicated man. Last week he got embarrassed by, none other then, the Oakland Raiders and this week, he’s 27/43 for 357 yards and 2 touchdowns. (He also had 1 interception but since he made Brett Favre cry, we will let it slide!) Yes, Brett Fav-ruh did complete one interception but no touch down passes...and the Broncos did trample the Bretts 34-17...but what would be the fun in beating the Jets without a few tears from our favorite NFL cry baby?

In Brett's defense, maybe his skirt was riding up or his legs were cold!

In case you were wondering, those were Aaron Rodgers's legs I used!

FIVE turnovers for New England lead the Steeler’s to an upset win, over the Patriots. The Steelers sacked Cassel five times and forced two fumbles. In Cassel’s defense, Moss dropped 2 possible touchdowns passes that hit him right in the numbers. Maybe it was the pressure of replacing Brady after 2 consecutive 400 plus yard games, or maybe the receivers couldn’t handle the weather, either way the Pats were 1 for 13 on 3rd down and the Steeler’s were ready for them. 33-10, Pittsburgh.

Kansas City played Oakland. 20-13, Chiefs.


Kyle Orton played terribly with 3 interceptions but not bad enough to see the return of Sexy Rexy. He did have 2 touchdown passes, but that was the beginning and the end of anything for the Bears. Adrian Peterson had 131 yards rushing, Bernard Berrian had 122 yards receiving and 4 different Vikings scored touchdowns, leading Minnesota over Chicago, 34-14.