Slightly Off Topic: Tony Romo's Got Bigger Problems

*There was just no nice way to write this post. I wrote it and I edited it, but it just isn't possible. Sorry.

We have seen Romo choke on several occasion, but perhaps his biggest choke-fest was when girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, attended his football game in Dallas. Romo ended the game with an awesomely low 22% passer rating. He had been averaging over 100%. (Passer ratings are not on a 0-100 scale. It is possible to get over 100 and less than 0, but don't ask me how.)

When Romo went on vacation to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on the Dallas Cowboy bye-week, before the playoffs (they went on to get their butts handed to them), some of the Cowboys referred to Jessica as a "small distraction." Well, they won't be calling her that anymore.

No, Tony and Jessica didn't break up. She just is still a distraction...it is the "small" part that no longer applies.

This weekend Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson were 5 blocks from my house, where Jessica performed at the Kiss Country Chili Cook off. Headlines say she, "showed off her new curves." By curves, they mean fat.




What does Jess have to say about her new LBS?
"Do you think the guys in here are all really looking at all those skinny girls and thinking, Wow, I want to get with her? Or are they looking at the girls with the curves and thinking, Yeah, I want to get with her!"

Gee Jess, I don't know. Let's see what you looked like when Tony said "I want to get with her!"


Yeah, you know what, Jess. You are right. People love you for your witty banter and unparallelled talent. You've got nothing to worry about. I am sure everyone remember what music video this was for...



And just think, now Tony can practice plays in the yard and it will be just like getting hit in a real game.


Plus, it is good news for the rest of us. There is no chance we have to suffer through Jessica's acting in a Dukes of Hazzard II, because she's not putting this in Daisy Dukes.


But perhaps the best news, my chances with Tony Romo have increased by at least a 15lb edge! (He doesn't need to know that I hate the Cowboys!)

Tony, next time you are in town....



*Okay, before you start sending the emails about how I am objectifying women and how I should be ashamed of myself. (yes, I got a few of those regarding the category post- I ignored them). I didn't objectify her, she did! Her fame and identity is based completely on the way she looks, so now it is completely hilarious that she would say she, "doesn't understand the needing to be skinny thing" because she's fat! So lighten up and laugh. Thanks!


And I know that she is not THAT fat. But again, her identity is based on being skinny!!!

Final Week in Regular Season Recap: "Jenny Says"

The final week in the NFL always has a bunch of games that mean nothing and no one cares about, so to talk about all of them would be a waste of time. So I have decided that for this weeks recap, we are going to play a little game you may be familiar with called "Jenny says..." (yeah, just like the song) This is how it works, it is kinda like Simon Says only totally different. I think you will get it. There were 2 major "stars" this week in the NFL, see if you can figure who they were.

Jenny says, "Raise your hand if you completed less than 50% of your passes this week!"



Jenny says, "Raise your hand if you turned the ball over more than three times this week!"



Jenny says, "Raise your hand if your team if not going to the play-offs and it is all your fault!"



Jenny says, "Just stand in front of the mic and look like the Perdue Chicken Guy if you won as many NFL games this season as she did and that your future role as a coach in the NFL is the same as hers!"


Jenny says, "Shed a tear if you are an overage cry baby whose team wishes they had never traded away their quarterback for because now that guy is going to the playoffs and they aren’t."


Jenny says, "Keep crying if you were to retire now the last thing you did as an NFL player was throw an interception to keep your team from going to the playoffs!"


Jenny says, "Cry if a coach got fired just for hiring you as the teams quarterback!"

Jenny says, "Look like a sore loser if you ran off the field and refused to shake Chad Penningtons hand after he beat you for a spot in the playoffs and made a fool of you on National TV!"


The Eagles needed a miracle to go to the play offs and they got it.
Buc lost to the Raiders, 24-31.
Giants lost to the Vikings, 19-20.
Bear lost to the Texans 34-21.
Everyone of those games were upsets and everyone of them were needed for the Eagles to go to the playoffs. McNabb only had to complete 12 passes to get there because the Cowgirls had 5 turnovers, to lose 44-6.

Chad Pennington and the Miami Dolphins had the biggest come back season, winning ten games more than the Dolphins did last year to take a spot in the playoffs, over Brett Favre.

Mean Girls: Dallas Edition

In this new movie, the Girls of Dallas are at it again. Based on true story and recent report by ESPN, covering the cat fights and name calling in the Dallas Cowgirls high school locker room. Tony Romo has a new gal-pal and their gossiping about T.O.

Terrell Owens:


Romo and I used to be like, best friends. I can't even believe that I cried over him! Now he and Witten are Road-game roomies and spend all their time together, gossiping and telling secrets. It is sooo not fair that they are making secret plays together that I don't know about. They are only doing it because they are jealous of me and don't want to get me the ball. I am so tired of quarterbacks being jealous of me. It is, like, so last season! First McNabb and now Romo. I totally, can't help it if I am so good that no one notices them. I'll show them! Just like I did in the Pittsburgh game. Oops! Did I forget to run my route...I am so silly sometimes... I totally didn't mean for that to get intercepted. I would never want my quarterback to look bad. *giggles*

Jason Witten:

Oh...my...God! No...freakin...way! T.O. is such a drama queen. Me and Tony were friends waaay before him and T.O. Like, way back before either of us actually got any play time. Owens is just mad because he totally missed his route last game. It almost looked like he did it on purpose. What a ditz! He is so jealous of me and Tony's relationship. He needs to get over himself.

Tony Romo:

Whatever, T.O.! I can't believe him. He is just like Jessica. You spend one road game with someone else and they think that something is going on. So insecure! I am like, so totally over this! Whatever!

Bradie James:

I am the team captain, so its like my job to like keep the peace. So, when they start pulling each others hair in the locker room, I always have to break it up. I actually broke my nail once, and I was so mad at both of them. Why can't we all just be friends and go shopping like we used to?

Seriously, I can't even make this stuff up. Check out the article here.

Football Fundamentals: What is “turf toe?”

I don’t know about you, but whenever I hear that a football player is out with “turf toe,” I think “What the heck is ‘turf toe’ and how bad can it really hurt? Get out there and start playing on that million dollar contract, baby!” Then again, I have never had turf toe.

I think part of the reason I think that way is because of the name, itself, “turf toe.” Doesn’t have the same effect as “torn ACL” or “fractured tibia.” It is missing that, action word that makes you cringe. When I think turf toe, I think of things like “paper cuts” or “rug burn.” Nothing, season ending.

However, this week, I found out that Jerry Jones, also thinks that a simple toe injury shouldn’t keep a player from the field. As a matter of fact, he tore apart Marion Barber for not playing in the Dallas-Pittsburgh game with a toe injury, (as if that would have helped the Cowgirls, anyway). Jones questioned Barber’s manliness (Remember, Marion Marber, not Tiki…we all know Tiki is not a man), saying "He can play with that injured toe. He can play with the soreness and a combination of those things. I see nothing that led us to believe he couldn’t." He essentially said that Marion’s wittle boo-boo was all in his head.

Now, since I know that no one wants to be thinking the same things as Jerry Jones, I am going to dispel the rumors behind the sissiness of ‘turf toe.’

Turf toe: Turf toe is a condition of pain at the base of the big toe, located at the ball of the foot. (still sounds sissy.)

Why is it called ‘turf toe’: The name turf toe comes from the fact that this injury is especially common among athletes who play on artificial turf. It is caused by the running and jumping on a hard surface. (I guess ‘hard surface toe’ isn’t any better)
What happens to the toe in turf toe: A turf toe injury, is actually the tearing of the capsule that surrounds the joint at the base of the toe. (Ouch! Turf toe sucks!)Tearing this joint capsule can be extremely painful. Turf toe can lead to accelerated cartillege wear and hallux rigidus. (Relax, 'hallux rigidus' is not what you think, its actually, toe arthritis.)

'Tearing of the capsule that surrounds the joint of the toe'…now that sounds painful. If there is tearing, you have to mention that in the name. They could have simply called it “a torn joint capsule” and we would all be saying “Gee! I hope he is okay…” instead of, “Turf toe? Get up, pretty boy!”

I don’t know what it feels like to, tear a capsule in your toe. However, I have worn some really uncomfortable high heels which hurt my toe and the next day, walking on it made my eyes water. There is no way I could have played football on it.

So, I it appears ‘turf toe’ may be a legit pain in the foot. (Then again, if you were paying me millions of dollars, I don’t think my high heels injury would be a problem anymore.)

Marion Barber actually had a pinkie toe injury, as well as, one to his calf, which prevented him from playing against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday.
But hey, we can’t all be as tough as Jerry Jones right? Or maybe Jones doesn’t know what a toe injury feels like:


If a toe injury isn’t a legit reason to miss a game, then what is?
Well, this is the GM of the Dallas Cowgirls we are talking about, here. When it comes to the Cowgirls:

Excused Absence:

(Not my best work, but Pacman actually started as a white woman.)

Unexcused Absence:



More tips from the Genius Playbook of Jerry Jones:
If you lose an important game, make sure you alienate your star running back, by calling him a wuss, so that he is ready and willing to perform for the next, more important game!
Good plan! Go Giants!

Turkey Day: NFL Recap

I guess the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade looked like a better option than ever this year, considering all 3 NFL games were blow outs. Here is what you missed while you were flipping channels and eating Turkey:

The traditional Thanksgiving day game belongs to the Lions. This year you would have thought they would play a little harder considering it may be their only nationally televised game of the season. But the Detroit Lions, have developed their own, new tradition, LOSING… And losing badly!
Kerri Collins lost his first fumble of the season, but mistakes like those mean nothing when you are playing the Lions of Detroit. As a matter of fact, Kerri Collins probably could have stayed home and ate turkey. Better yet, put in the turkey! 47-10, Titans.


But don't worry, Detroit. Some of us thought of you on Thanksgiving...


While you were feasting on Turkey, the Cowgirls were feasting on the Seahawks. What is there to say about a 34-9 win over Seattle? Romo has 3 TDs in his first 3 drives and of course, an interception. Owens had 98 yards receiving and a TD. Seahawks, just laid back and took it.


The closest game of Turkey Day was the other birds, the Eagles’ 48-20 win over the Cardinals. Kurt Warner had three touchdowns passes, however he also had 3 intercepted passes to balance it out. It appeared McNabb, has learned a lot in his last 3 games. First that an NFL game can end in a tie, then that he can and will be benched and most recently throwing the ball to your own team makes it easier to win the game. But where does McNabb get all of his information???
When asked at a press conference Tuesday how he had learned he was still the starting quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles.
"I was told by the janitor," said a smiling McNabb, who will open against the Arizona Cardinals here Thursday night.
"You know, me and him have a pretty good relationship around here. It's a pretty good conversation we had."

Giants Rock Cowboys!

I worked hard on this photo-shop job and forgot to put it up yesterday!



I know that Romo didn’t play Sunday, but he’s more fun to make fun of than the old guy who QB’s for the Cowgirls now, and either way...the only thing I love more than the Giants, is the Giants rockin’ the Cowgirls!

Where in the World is "Pacman" Jones?

In case you missed Mr. Jones this week, or were wondering where he was during Sundays brutal beating of the Cowgirls by the St. Louis Rams...
Pacman is suspended for a minimum of four games. When, despite a 24 hour babysitting detail, provided by the Cowboys, for Jones, he got into a “scuffle” with one of his babysitters...er... security guards. Even though GM, Jerry Jones, brushed off of the incident, Adam was suspended indefinitely by the NFL for, again, violating the league’s personal-conduct policy. The suspension will last a minimum of four games, without pay...


However, after hearing Goodall’s comments on the matter, Jerry Jones didn’t seem to sure about Pacman’s future with the Cowgirls.
“Adam was on a very narrow window of behavior coming into the NFL, more so than any player we’ve had on the Cowboys. He did not stay within that narrow range. I regret that it didn’t work for Adam and work for the Cowboys.”
It doesn’ t appear that changing his name back to Adam is going to work for him this time.




Commissioner Goodall also seems fed up with Pacman’s inability to follow the rules.
“Obviously, something is not going correctly — we just reinstated him six weeks ago. Either he’s not getting the message, I’m not communicating it properly, or he has some other issues going on that we would like to understand better.” Goodall said.

So, is Adam “Pacman” Jones, heeding the warnings that are, so obviously, contained in the words of those who sign his paycheck? Where in the world is Pacman Jones, during this four game (and possibly indefinite) suspension?

Is he....

A. Working out in his front yard with T.O.



B. Working on a new video game, where Pacman avoids the police as he gobbles up dollars before the strippers can get to them.


C. Working on his new book; an autobiography and self-help guide.
Adam “Pacman” Jones: Football, Fighting and Felonies.


D. None of the above.

While, at first glance all of the above may seem like viable answers, there is really only one possible answer.
'A' can’t be the answer because while we all know that a public scene with Terrell Owens is the inevitable moment we have all been waiting for since, Jones was picked up by the Cowboys, 'A' implies that he actually cares about things like, staying in shape and his on-field performance.

'B' seems like something he would definitely come up with, but something like developing a video game would actually require backing by a video game distributor/developer and I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen any Pacman Jones endorsements lately and I doubt his phone is ringing with offers.

‘C’ is probably the most obvious wrong answer. We all know that the Cowgirl’s don’t read or write. If they did, they would know that their contracts contain a “no play, no pay” clause, which means if they get arrested and can’t play...they aren’t getting paid.

So the only possible answer is D. None of the above.

I know, I know...so, where in the world is Pacman Jones?? Well, we all know that no one wants NFL players to actually have to take blame for their own actions and Adam has already blamed an innocent video game character; Jerry Jones blamed the body guard and Adam's entourage took the hit for the strip club shooting...
So who are they going to blame this time? Alcohol.

Adam Pacman Jones has checked into an alcohol rehabilitation facility in some other part of the country(guess that rules out Texas). It wasn't Adam's fault, it was the alcohol, right?
Call him a pain in the a**, a criminal, a deviant, but do not call him stupid. In one single move, Adam Jones went from being an, out-of-control, rule breaking, nuisance to the NFL on the verge of being suspended indefinitely from the league to a commiserating alcoholic, victimized by the afflictions of a burdensome disease he cannot control. Puh-lease! Are we not forgetting the real victim here?




BONUS: In case you were wondering where Adam Jones got the nick name "Pacman," perhaps the following chart will help answer.

LOOK FAMILIAR????

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys

"I hope nobody sees me with these guys!"
What's Tony Romo hiding from? Maybe he doesn't want to be seen with the rest of the team!

“America’s Team” doubles as America’s Most Wanted! If the Dallas Cowboys are in town, you should be afraid. Very, very afraid (and not of their football skills)!

IMMEDIATE JOB OPENING: BODYGUARD TO PACMAN JONES’S BODYGUARD/BABYSITTER

It appears as though the bodyguard hired by the Dallas Cowboys to protect Adam “Pacman” Jones need his own bodyguard to protect himself from Pacman Jones.

In the Dallas Cowboys’ latest attempt to show the world that criminals deserve not only second chances, but third, fourth, fifth and sixth chances, Pacman was partying it up on Friday night and upon the “changing of the guards” (yes, he has a full rotation of bodyguards) Pacman’s second shift guard thought he should not be at the party. Needless to say, Pacman disagreed and, as with all things Cowgirls related, complete chaos and disorder ensued.

What exactly does Pacman Jones need protection from? Let’s call this man what he really was, not a body guard but a babysitter, hired by the Cowgirls to make sure Pacman didn’t end up in jail, AGAIN!

Jones is coming off a years suspension by the NFL for “off field conduct.” At a Las Vegas Strip Club, Pacman and his entourage (first sign of trouble, he travels with an entourage) decided to “make it rain” on a stripper. When the strippers picked up $81,000 in one dollars bills that had been thrown at her, “Jones became irate about the loss of his money, and the fact that girls were in a frenzy, picking up the money at their feet." He got angry, grabbed her hair and slammed her head against the stage. (I am far from a strip club expert, but I thought those girls were supposed to keep the money. That is why they are taking their clothes off, right?)

But it would be a shame to the criminals of cowboys past for it to stop there, so two of the men fired some gun shots and left one security guard dead and the club owner paralyzed. The best part is, Pacman claims he didn’t know those two men, who came to the club with him, sat next to him and left with him. Interesting...

This weekend, in a discussion of whether Tim Tebow was a D.B. or a nice boy, I argued for Tebow with “at least he isn’t getting arrested and in jail.” To which my opponent replied, “well then, he could just play for the Dallas Cowboys!”
Now, how can I argue with that.....




When Pacman came back to the NFL, guess who was ready to pick him up? Of Course! Who else cleans up the trash of the NFL? THE DALLAS COWGIRLS!

Now, the Cowgirls have no plans to sit Pacman in “time out” for his latest bodyguard beating offense, but I guess its what they were expecting from a guy who has been arrested 6 times and involved in 13 police related incidents since he was drafted. Which wouldn’t be nearly as bad…if he weren’t in the NFL for only 2 years!!!!! I would think you would actually have to put some effort into having a “run in” with police an average of 9.5 times a year. Where does he find the time?

What does Owner, Jerry Jones, have to say? "If I suspended Pacman Jones over something like this, I would have had to suspend half the team over the last 20 years."

Please, Jerry, you make this too easy. You can’t just concede that your team is a band of delinquints, who have to call their probation officers to travel to away games.



Please tell me what those two know about jail that the rest of us don't? With smiles like those, it looks like they want to go to jail!

Tank Johnson

Tank Johnson got arrested for possession of everything except a tank.. His first arrest was at a nightclub and he was charged with possession of a handgun, followed by aggravated assault on an officer. Tank was then arrested for possession of six unlicensed firearms, including assault rifles. The Bears finally let him go after he was arrested for every Cowgirls favorite, driving while intoxicated. The Cowboys picked him up following his suspension.


Michael Irvin

Irvin was celebrating his 30th birthday before police entered his hotel room and caught him, apparently, snorting cocaine off of a stripper’s breast. (He actually ends up being one of the more well-behaved Cowboys). He was the only one, however (that I could find a record of) assaulting a teammate during training camp when he allegedly inflicted a two-inch cut in the neck of a Dallas Cowboy guard “during a haircut.” They settled out of court.
Days before the NFC Championship, Irvin and a teammate were accused of sexually assaulting a Dallas woman, with a gun to her head and videotaping it.
*And you were mad at Tony Romo for going to Cabo??


Dwayne Goodrich

Goodrich is currently serving 12.5 years for negligent homicide resulting from a hit and run accident. When 2 kids pulled over to help a man from a burning vehicle, Goodrich struck them at 110 m.p.h and killed them both, before leaving the scene of the crime.


Larry Bethea

This Cowboy defensive lineman was arrested and later convicted of stealing $ 64,000 from his own mother. He was the SECOND Dallas Cowboy accused of stealing from their mother!

Dexter Clinkscale

Clinkscale was arrested for having sexual relations and molesting an 18-year-old boy. Perhaps, he didn’t know that 18 year olds were considered boys in Texas, but either way its disgusting and I am moving on.


Harvey Martin

This is one of my favorites. Martin was arrested three times in 5months for beating a woman. I know that isn’t funny, but the fact that his defense was....”I have been smoking crack all day” is funny!

Bob Hayes

Supposedly Mr. Hayes was so fast, he is why teams invented a zone defense. You know what makes a man run that fast? Cocaine. Bob Hayes was arrested for distributing cocaine. Wasn’t fast enough to get away from the police, huh?

I am starting to wonder if the Cowgirls used cocaine rather than chalk to line the endzone, perhaps they would have an easier time getting to it!


Lance Rentzel

Star wide receiver, Rentzel, was arrested for exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl.


Larry Bethea,

Bethea shot himself in the head before police could arrest him after he was identified as the gunman in 2 armed robberies.

Rafael Septien

Septien molested a 10 year old girl and was fined $2,000. Yeah, Dallas, that will teach him! I didn’t know a fine was an exceptable punishment for a felony, anywhere! But again, I can’t joke about kids getting molested, so moving on.

Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson

Cowboys linebacker Henderson was arrested for smoking crack with two under-aged teenage girls. He was accused of threatening them with a gun and sexually assaulting them. One of the girls was described as a “paraplegic minor.” But Henderson claims he gave the girls crack in exchange for consensual sex. There are so many things wrong with this. It is like a really sick, “how many things are wrong with this picture” game.


Nate Newton

Lineman, Nate Newton was arrested with 213 ponds of marijuana in his car. I know you are thinking “Wow! That’s a lot of drugs!” Five weeks later, he was caught transporting another 175 pounds of weed. Maybe Dallas doesn’t pay enough, cause there is no way he was smoking all of that.

Incase you were wondering how much 213 lbs of marajuana is:

This is only 33 lbs.



Adam “Pacman” Jones only weighs 185 lbs (he was carrying more than a Pacman Jones of marajuana.)



So, my question is, if as a condition of his probation, Jones can’t associate with known felons, does that mean he can’t be interviewed by Michael Irvin?

I could see this condition causing a lot of confusion on a Cowboys huddle. “But coach, I can’t huddle with him, he’s a known felon. I don’t wanna go back to jail!”
I guess that explains the new stadium....