Turkey Day: NFL Recap

I guess the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade looked like a better option than ever this year, considering all 3 NFL games were blow outs. Here is what you missed while you were flipping channels and eating Turkey:

The traditional Thanksgiving day game belongs to the Lions. This year you would have thought they would play a little harder considering it may be their only nationally televised game of the season. But the Detroit Lions, have developed their own, new tradition, LOSING… And losing badly!
Kerri Collins lost his first fumble of the season, but mistakes like those mean nothing when you are playing the Lions of Detroit. As a matter of fact, Kerri Collins probably could have stayed home and ate turkey. Better yet, put in the turkey! 47-10, Titans.


But don't worry, Detroit. Some of us thought of you on Thanksgiving...


While you were feasting on Turkey, the Cowgirls were feasting on the Seahawks. What is there to say about a 34-9 win over Seattle? Romo has 3 TDs in his first 3 drives and of course, an interception. Owens had 98 yards receiving and a TD. Seahawks, just laid back and took it.


The closest game of Turkey Day was the other birds, the Eagles’ 48-20 win over the Cardinals. Kurt Warner had three touchdowns passes, however he also had 3 intercepted passes to balance it out. It appeared McNabb, has learned a lot in his last 3 games. First that an NFL game can end in a tie, then that he can and will be benched and most recently throwing the ball to your own team makes it easier to win the game. But where does McNabb get all of his information???
When asked at a press conference Tuesday how he had learned he was still the starting quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles.
"I was told by the janitor," said a smiling McNabb, who will open against the Arizona Cardinals here Thursday night.
"You know, me and him have a pretty good relationship around here. It's a pretty good conversation we had."

Week Eleven in the NFL Recap

Let's start the week, as always... The WORLD CHAMPION NY Football Giants rocked the Baltimore Ravens. Eli had an off day, but its okay because where Eli fell short Bradshaw and Jacobs picked up. The Giants put up 210 rushing yards against the Ravens alleged, number one rushing defense. (Who is ranking these teams? The BCS?). Speaking of Defense....Aaron Ross, had TWO, count'em, one...two interceptions! Giants over Ravens, 30-10.

Despite running out of players, the Denver Broncos beat the Atlanta Falcons, 24-20. Spencer Larsen, for the Broncos played both offense and defense, literally. He played 2 different positions in the same game, where most guys can't even play one. Let's get this guy a game ball, please? The game came down to the final minute where it looked like the Falcons were going to steal the game from Denver, but the Broncos took over after an incomplete pass in the end zone on 4th down.

Panthers v. Lions, not as interesting of a match-up in the NFL as it would be on the discovery channel. I'm not sure that it is even fair to make fun of the Detroit Lions anymore. At ohhhh and ten, they just suck. They had four turnovers against the Carolina Panthers, who literally ran all over the Detroit defense with 2 players putting up over 100 yards rushing, each! 22-31, Carolina. Perhaps, Lions is too strong of a name for Detroit....


Ocho Stinko returned to "play" the Philadelphia Eagles. The only reason I watched this game is because it was on next to the Giants at a sports bar. The game ended in a 13-13 tie. I hope you weren't expecting any highlights. There were 5 quarters of football and each team only manages to score 13 pts.

The Saints were 0-4 on the road before taking on the Chiefs of KC this week. Despite their 0-4 road record and their 5-5 overall record, they are the top ranked offense in the NFL. Seriously? What do you have to do to get there, beat the Chiefs? No offense to the Saints, but who decides this stuff? The Chiefs are one and nine with that one win being the time Jay Cutler screwed up my Survivor pool pick. Saints without Reggie Bush over KC, 30-20.

The long await, return of Tony Romo. Romo had a break out game for his return. Instead of his usual one interception, he threw 2. It was like he never left and the streak of consecutive games with an interception continues. Not to be outdone, he rushed for a whopping negative three yards, with his longest rush being negative one. (So there was no positive yardage). Yet the Cowgirls snuck by the 'Skins, 14-10.

The Vikings had 210 total yards against the Bucs. That is less total yards than the Giants rushing yards against the number one rushing defense. Jeff Garcia was second in rushing for the Bucs and lead the team to a 19-13 win over Minnesota, despite 5 penalties for 54 yards. But the most interesting news of that insanely boring game is that Gus Frerotte is the NFL sl*t. He was sacked five times by five different Bucs, in the same game.


Yes, there were two more, but they declined to have their photo taken!

There was a terrible stench in Miami this weekend. Then I figured out what it was... football gone bad The Raiders were in town. Nothing stinks quite like the Raiders. With only 186 total yard of offense the Oakland Raiders took a 4th Quarter loss to the Miami Dolphins, 15-17. Don't get excited Dol-fans, you contributed to the stink of Dolphin Stadium as well, this is the first time since 2006 the Dolphins won 4 games in a row!

Speaking of "stink..." How 'bout them Bears? It was open season on the Bears of Chicago and Aaron Rodgers and Ryan Grant took full advantage. Rodgers was 27/30 with 227 yards and 2 TDs. Grant rushed for 154 yards and 1 TD, and the Bears....well, they kicked a field goal. 37-3, Pack over Bears.

Joseph Addai had 105 rushing yards, 48 receiving but that was nothing compared to Steve Slaton's 156 yards rushing. So how did the Texans lose to the Colts, 27-33? I think the real question is, WHY IS THIS GUY STILL A QUARTERBACK???
Sage Rosenfels fumbled on Houston's final drive to put an end to their hopes of beating a Manning. By the way, it looks like Peyton's got his groove back, with 320 yards and 2 TDs.


Its not often you get to say that the Niners spanked anyone, so lets give them their moment this week. Niners spanked the Rams. San Fran made five trips to the red zone and scared 5 TDs. So we won't have any Singletary rants this week...his best move was pulling O'Sullivan at QB. He threw one incomplete pass and had one run for negative yards. O'Sullivan can we sending him packing with good ol' Sage? You know what! Take Marc Bulger with you...3 interceptions and a loss to the Niners, means you've gotta go! San Fran over St. Louis, 35-16.

Speaking of 2 interceptions, the return of Matt Hasselbeck was as riveting as the return of Tony No'mo, I mean Romo. 196 offensive yards and 4 turnovers for the Seahawks made Romo look pretty. Anqun Boldin had 186 yards receiving for the Cardinals and in a close second Larry Fitzgerald had 151. Big week for the ol' timers, only Kurt Warner didn't cry. Cards over Seahawks, 26-20.

The Titans remain at 10-0 with a win over the Jaguars. The second the Tennessee trailed Jacksonville, the announcers (who never know anything about the game) were all over Collins and his potential loss. Collins threw 3 TD passes in a win over the Jags, 24-14 to keep his perfect season in tact. Can he have a little respect now, please?

Snow fell in Pittsburgh and maybe that's the excuse for the 10-11 score. The snow fall was the most interesting thing to watch in this game, unless you like to watch Phillip Rivers under perform. Tomlinson had one rushing TD and that is where the game peaked, (there was some frolicking in the flurries by Ward, too) but the Steelers came out over the Chargers, 11-10.

MNF:
Apparently Trent Edwards was watching football and taking notes on Sunday because like many QB's this week he had 3 interceptions and that will get you a loss to the Browns (ask Eli!). Brady Quinn may be recovering from having his thunder stolen by Jay Cutler last week because he threw for a measly 186 yards and if it weren't for Edwards rushing for 104 the Browns would have looked as ugly as their jerseys. 29-27, Browns.

Brett Farve Favre, Through out the Tears

Brett Favre has cried on several momentous occasions through out his life. It never mattered to him whether he was on national tv, or when Laura Ingraham said "I didn't know there was a woman quarterback in the NFL." Favre has been true to his emotions, since birth. But before we judge him, many of us cried or would have cried on these occasions as well.

He cried at birth, like most of us. (this is an obvious re-enactment of the birth of Brett Favre, as there was no digital photography back then)



He cried on his first day of school...…you can see how that might be a problem (spelling had to give the poor kid some trouble, Farve, Favre...whatever!).




He cried when they shot Bambi's mom (but didn't we all?)



When he met his true love John Madden for the first time. They do have an unnatural connection.



He cried when he...he bit his tongue? (Oh come on! You know that hurts!)


He cried when the NFL told him he had to go to rehab for his pain killer addiction or pay $900,000. (Thats a pretty tough decision for anyone, isn't it?)


He cried when he broke the most career interceptions record (300)...I wonder if he will cry when Tony Romo takes this over?



I don't know why he is crying here, but my guess would be he either realized that an NFL Quarterback, worth millions, who only works once a week for about 6 months out of the year, has nothing to cry about.


He cried when he saw this image on the Jumbo Tron. (not a good look for old man Fav-ruh)


He cried when he lost to the Giants in the final game of his career (which would only turn out to be his final game as a Green Bay Packer and not as big of a deal as he originally thought).


He cried when he retired from the NFL


And he cried when he unretired from the NFL




All of these events can be devastating or at the very least troublesome. Maybe if we stretch our imaginations and try to conceptualize what it might be like to get paid millions to play a game, hear our name chanted by our fans, have people recognize us wherever we go, win a Superbowl, and have our face on the cover of a video game, we could sympathize with Brett. Its a tough life, but some one's gotta live it. Just because he gets hit by 300 pound linemen doesn't mean it doesn't hurt him when he stubs his toe or someone calls him a blubbering girl. So up until this Thursday, I felt that Brett Favre's tears were genuine and everyone was too harsh on the man for showing his true feelings...

HOWEVER! This Thursday, Brett Favre cried, after beating the New England Patriots.


He cried because he beat a team playing with a Rookie quarterback in his first starting season, who is under the pressure of playing after Tom Brady's almost undefeated season. I don't get it Favre. Was it because you just squeaked by and one with a field goal in OT? Was it because Matt Cassel out played you, throwing for 400 yards and 2 TDs and you finally realize you are too old for the NFL?? I can' figure this on out!

Did Matt Cassel hurt your feelings?


Through tears and sobs, Brett Favre was the second best quarterback to play on Thursday night, throwing for 258 and 2 TDS, but the Bretts beats the Pats in OT, 34-31.

Giant Leap over the Eagles

That is the beauty of being the NY Giants. Well, aside from the obvious of playing the best game of football that can be found in the NFL and the reigning World Champions, the name "Giants" lends itself to so many headline possibilities (like the one above). Watch, this week alone:

GIANT Embarrassment For Philadelphia.

GIANT lead in the NFC

GIANT Takeover at Lincoln Financial Field

or

Donovan McNabb Takes GIANT ****** (the number of asterisks is irrelevant; figured you could insert your own wording there!)

I've Got a Football Hangover...

A hangover describes the sum of unpleasant physiological effects following heavy consumption intoxicating substances and the effects of withdrawal.
Usually, hangovers result from drugs or alcohol, but an undefeated season and the taste of a chance to play in the BCS Championship game can be just as intoxicating and its withdrawal just as devastating. The most symptoms of a football hangover are similar to those of your more common hangover: headache, nausea, sensitivity to light and noise, lethargy, weakness, elevated body temperature, hypersalivation, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, irritability, erratic motor functions, trouble sleeping, and lack of depth perception. Many people will also be repulsed by the thought, of the loss which caused the hangover.

So what happened?

A Penn Stater's Saturday Recap:
Saturday was one of the saddest days of my life. I looked outside on Sunday morning and my I could no longer see a blue and white sky (could have been because it was a particularly sunny day in Florida and the sun was shining in my eyes), but despite the scorching hot weather, the constant chill of sadness surrounded me. I didn't reach for my phone to taunt my Buckeye friends or check the sports page for scores and rankings...there was no countdown to the next time the Nittany Lions would step on the field. There was no joy or excitement, no proudly hung jersey... no fight song, no PSU chants, no text msgs. reading "we are..." awaiting my response of "Penn State!" All those feelings of pride and hope, so close and yet so far, like the dreams of a chance to play for the BCS title torn right from your finger tips by a 4 loss team. Nothing... but disappointment, shattered dreams and a blue and white jersey, crumpled on the floor, remain. There were no highlights, but in case you missed it, Daryl Clark played like Tony Romo in an NFC Championship game, with the possibilities of an undefeated season wrapped like clenched hands around his throat and he choked. He choked, as he threw an interception, which stole the last breath of life from any hope of being number one. A seasoned, Anthony Scirrotto played like a rookie, missing tackles, leaving receivers wide open, and ultimately receiving the pass interference call which would keep alive Iowas drive to upset the Nittany Lions, who because of a sub par performance, on both sides of the ball, will never reach beyond number 3. The Big Ten is once again, nothing more than a punchline in an "overrated" joke told by the SEC.A season of 9 straight wins, might as well have begun with a loss. The Rose Bowl is an insult and Saturday, is now just the day before the Giants play.

This is a dim comparison to the agony that will be next Saturday, and the empty void that used to be filled with Penn State football.

So with that being said, there will be no recap this week as I am still in recovery.

< Brady Quinn's "Coming Out" It's Jay Cutler Day!

Oh, Jay Cutler! Jay Cutler! I am happy to see that you have gotten my message! I am completely out of Survivor picks now, so you still owe me $120K but your Thursday night performance showed a quarterback who could easily make me forget his flawed past and join my "fantasy team."
Jay Cutler threw for 447 yards and 3 touchdowns! And somewhere in the shadows of the Bronco's comeback from a 13 point deficit and Cutler's 93 yard touchdown pass to Eddie Royal, Brady Quinn was having his coming out party. Much like his appearance at the NFL Draft is was overshadowed by players who didn't come from an overrated, underperforming, Notre Dame and spend less time grooming their high-maintenance hair. Both the Denver Broncos' and Cleveland Browns' homepages present Thursday Nights game as the "Jay Cutler Story." Poor Brady Quinn…
Looks like even his fans have turned on the pretty boy…

Careful Brady, those tears will smear your make-up...Is that a “Jay Cutler” autograph I see on your arm?

Who is that leaving the stadium with Jay Cutler? Is that Brady Quinn’s sister???


I have a lot of questions for Brady Quinn:
1. How did it feel to sit in the green room with the Top Five picks and not get drafted until 22nd?
2. Did it feel worse than having Jay Cutler outshine you on your first day as starting QB?
3. Why did you spend the off season holding out on your Cleveland Brown’s contract when no one else wanted you? Did you think that no one watched the draft? That you could convince them that you were in high demand?
4. Do you really think after losing 10 straight bowl games, Notre Dame still deserves an automatic bowl bid if they make the top 12?
BUT, the one thing, I really must know Brady Quinn, is WHAT IS UP WITH THE BELLY SHIRT???




At least this cute little squirrel came to your party! (I just thought this was cute...)

MNF: Election Day, Special Edition

Last night the Dread-skins played Big Ben and the Steelers. I am not sure “playing” is what I would call what Washington did, the only thing they “played” was dead. Steeler’s D had 23 solo tackles and five sacks. What did Campbell do to p*ss off his offensive line? Maybe nothing. Maybe, there was a little incentive....





I guess, Obama heard the rumors that if the Redskins win the last game before the election, the Republicans win the presidency (yes, that is an actual statistic). Too bad, for Campbell...






Sorry, McCain... the Redskins suck! 23-6, Steelers!

Giants Rock Cowboys!

I worked hard on this photo-shop job and forgot to put it up yesterday!



I know that Romo didn’t play Sunday, but he’s more fun to make fun of than the old guy who QB’s for the Cowgirls now, and either way...the only thing I love more than the Giants, is the Giants rockin’ the Cowgirls!

Week Nine Eight in the NFL Recap

I know its almost Week 10 Week 9. My latest post ever! (Its been a bad week).

Where should we start? How about them NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS!? (Did I mention they are Defending World Champs?)

New York Giants defense defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers 21 to14. Oversized, I mean, Big Ben was under constant pressure. Kiwanuka alone had three sacks and a forced fumble and Kenny Phillips picked off Roethlisberger's final pass to end the game. Eli went untouched with the protection of his O-line and they all played like one big happy family. (Unfortunately, Eli’s big happy family, didn’t include Peyton this time...see MNF).

The Raven’s gave us a lesson in, How To Run a Trick Play:
The best place to test your trick play is probably against the Oakland Raiders, (unless you have Detroit or Cincy on your schedule. In that case, use one of those games to put on a magic show of trick plays...no one will even notice). Anyway, Joe Flacco took a snap, handed the ball off to backup QB Troy Smith, who then passed it back to Flacco, who ran down the left sideline for a 43-yard gain. The only way that could be cooler, is if it ended in 6 instead of 3. Ravens settled for a field goal on that play, but still defeated the Raiders, 29-10.

Perhaps the Raven’s inspired, the Cardinals to try a trick play, only less successful. No Huddle, Shotgun to J.Arrington resulted on an incomplete pass to Boldin. Their entire game was also less successful than the Raven’s, Steve Smith had 5 carries for 117 yards, Jake Delhomme was 20/28 with 2 TD’s and the Panthers beat the Cards despite Warner’s 381 yards passing and Fitzgerald’s 115 yards rushing. Final score, 27-23.

Statistically, the Bucs out played the Cowgirls. They had 267 yards to Dallas’s 172. Garcia threw for 227 over Johnson’s (the old guy who plays where Tony Romo goes) 172. But if you are going to do all that work, you have got to deliver! Neither team delivered anything in this game, but the Bucs delivered even less than the Cowgirls. The biggest and only entertaining play of the game came from a Punter. The Dallas punter wasn’t even the last line of defense against the Bucs return man who was running back the punt. But as Clifton Smith ran through the line, instead of sliding under his feet to trip the runner, in usual punter fashion, Dallas Punter, Paulescu, nailed Smith at midfield and walked off as if he does it everyday. Dallas over Tampa Bay, 9-13. http://www.nfl.com/videos?videoId=09000d5d80bf57d1

My Survivor Pick was almost lost, when I once again, foolishly bet on the Washington Redskins. Luckily, the ‘Skins defeated the Lions, but only because it was the Lions. Detroit lead Washington nearly half of the game, but in true Detroit Lion’s fashion and with the grace of Santana Moss, the lead was gone and the ‘Skins beat the Lions, 25-17.

Speaking of losing...the NFL was forced to say goodbye after a great loss this past week. After hearing that Carson Palmer would not return for the 2008 Season after surgery, the Bengals said goodbye to their already winless season. The season was never really alive (0-8) but there always remained some glitter of hope that like the Dolphins of 2007, they might just pull through long enough for one single, little win. That hope is gone now. It will be remembered only by the stone placed in the end zone by those left behind by Palmer and the touching words of the Cincinnati Enquirer’s Obituary.




Unfortunately for Cincy, they do not play the Detroit Lions (see obit) but perhaps they can get a pick-up game going, after the regular season. By the way, Houston over Cincy, 35-6.


Just when I thought the Buffalo had clinched their division, since there were no other contenders, the Miami Dolphins traded in the “wildcat offense” for something with wings. Chad Pennington and the Miami Dolphins aired out their offense with a passing game to beat the Bills, 16-25.

The St. Louis Rams are back to losing. I didn’t watch the game to be honest. However, New England beat St. Louis, 16-23. Maybe Cassel is getting more comfortable with his position, now that rumors that Brady and the Pats have trouble in Paradise. Feels more like home now, doesn’t it, Matt?

Looks like someone peed in Phillip Rivers’ English Tea. Maybe Drew Brees and the Saints ruined Rivers’ tea party when they beat the Chargers 32-37, in England. I am sure the Chargers, who chose to go with Rivers over Brees were eating crumpets of regret, as Drew Brees for 339 yards and three touchdowns. Saints enjoyed a win, Brees enjoyed revenge over his former team and a cranky Rivers had tea with a lucky fan.




Guess who threw three interceptions?? Brett Fav-ruh did! (But lucky for him he was playing KC.) That makes 11 total going into week 9. Hmmmm….Kharma, Mr. Fav-ruh? It was a close game, 24-28 with the Jets coming out over Chiefs.

Philadelphia over Atlanta, 27-14. Matt Ryan showed his green side when he got picked off in the end zone and a blown call by the referees went unchallenged by the timeout-less Falcons, leading the Eagles to a lucky win. If they played it again, I would still pick the Falcons.

Seneca Wallace was all “2’s” with 222 yards and 2 touch downs. Unfortunately, the last 2 is the number of wins the Seahawks have. This win wasn’t a big won because it was over the ‘9ers and it was overshadowed by Mike Singletary’s anger at Davis’ who after smacking an opponent in the helmet and receiving an unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty, shrugged it off. Singletary didn’t and if you didn’t see the video of his irate ramblings, google it. 34-14, final.

MNF:
The Titans remain undefeated and Peyton is still the lesser brother. What has happened to Peyton Manning? Well, a friend of mine put is best when he said, “it doesn’t matter how good he is, he can’t throw passes from lat on his back.” Where is the offensive line, Indy? Colts D forced a passing game on the Titans who have been “running” all over their opponents all season, but the Tennessee still managed 3 rushing TDs. Constantly under pressure; Manning threw 2 interceptions and still scored every TD for Indy. Throwing for 2 and rushing one in himself. He’s going to need a little help out there, Colts.

MIA is MIA

Oops! Looks like I overlooked the Miami Baltimore game in yesterday's post. While Chad Pennington's Chad Pennington's career completion percentage continues to rank best of all-time, the Dolphins' "Wildcat" offense was crushed by the Ravens. (Total of 71 yards rushing). The Raven's had a nice "pick-6" of poor Chadwick and won the game, 27-13. The Baltimore defense deserves a cookie for this game.

I have no pictures for this game. However, I can bestow some completely random knowledge up on you, if you like:
*Chad's name isn't really Chad, its James(his middle name is "Chadwick").
*Miami's only win last season was over the Baltimore Ravens.
*Since 1999 the Ravens have returned 26 interception for touchdowns (obviously a record).
*Dolphins are the only team to ever go undefeated. In 1972 they had a perfect season and unlike the Patriots, went on to win the Superbowl.
*For the first 2 years the Ravens logo featured raven wings on a shield with the letter "B". However, the US Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals affirmed a jury verdict that the logo infringed on the copyright in a logo drawing by Derek Zero, a Boston amateur architect and security guard. (here, I thought being an architect was lucrative...essentially, he was a security guard who drew pictures). Either way, Zero is now a millionaire, courtesy of the Baltimore Ravens.

Week Seven in the NFL

Due to a long road trip, I am still not on schedule. This week, I will be on top of things!

I know, last week I talked about the WORLD CHAMPION NY GIANTS last, when they lost, but I swear it was because it was MNF. I always talk about MNF last. Anyway…

My boy is back! I took the Giants in my single remaining elimination bowl pick and my “faith” in them paid off. I know they were only playing the 49ers; the team that last week, I said I couldn’t name a single player. But this week, I can name one….O’Sullivan. He is the ‘9ers quarterback and also happens to be the man that Michael Johnson (undrafted, second year safety for the W.C. NY GIANTS) picked off twice.
I was glad to see the Giants win, but I don’t want to give Eli too much credit. This was a win by the defense; a safety, six sacks, 3 turnovers. Good game, D! Giants over those guys in red and gold, 29-17.
(Eli, I expect more from you next week against the Steelers. )

Speaking of Steelers. The Giants get no preview of what is to come next week, because the Steelers didn’t have to play this week. Nope, they weren’t on a bye…almost the same thing though, they were playing the Bengals. Dare I say, I may have mis-spoken, when I called the St. Louis Rams the worst ream in the league. Who would have thought with all that self-serving banter from Ocho Cinco, that his team would be winless going into week 8?

I know what you are thinking? Who is that guy and why is he wearing the old Dallas uniform? Well, that guy is Brad Johnson and here is what you need to know about him:
1. He is the only NFL player to ever throw a touchdown pass to himself.
2. He was drafted in 1992 and carried the clip board for Warren Moon.
3. He has played for 4 teams in the NFL (and Minnesota twice).
4. He is 4 years older than the Steeler’s head coach.
5. If the question is “who is older then Brett Fav-ruh?” This guy is raising his hand!
The last thing you need to know, is that this same guy played QB for the Dallas Cowgirls Sunday. (Yeah, I mean this past Sunday). Well, “playing” is an overstatement. He was 17 for 34 and threw interceptions. The Dallas Cowgirls lost to the St. Louis Rams; an embarrassing 31-14. (guess Dallas’s D didn’t show up either.) But, why didn’t Romo play? Well, he hurt his finger during last week’s game… “How did he hurt his finger?” Well, I am glad you asked. It actually happened during a commercial break, after Romo called a time out to help his, fundamentally challenged, simpleton girlfriend...




Of course to cover for the already dismantling Cowgirls, they blamed the poor Cards. But look at the bright side Tony, how you have 4 weeks to teach Jess to tie her shoes and you will have so much time to listen to her wonderful, nasal, forced southern twang as she pretends to be “just another Southern girl...” Come on, is there any wonder why Tony spent the week throwing passes past Coach Phillips and begging to play with a broken pinky?


The other geriatric Quarterback, reminded us that “time to retire” comes before 40 years old. The Raiders ended a 4 game losing streak, when Brett Fav-ruh’s 2 interceptions leads to an incredibly boring 13-16 victory for the Raiders over the Jets. I am pretty sure even the coaches took a nap, while the only thing that happened was a longest field goal contest. Jay Feely's 52-yard field goal with three seconds left in regulation tied the game. He actually missed his first attempt, but Raiders coach called timeout before the play started, probably because he had just realized the game was still going on, and the play was blown dead, which gave the Jets another chance. Dragging the game into overtime, where Janikowski (Raiders kicker. I know, no one knows the Raiders by name), said “Hey Feely! Take your 52 yarder and....” kicking a 57-yard field goal to finally put a, long awaited, end to a game that couldn’t have sucked anymore, if Cincy played in it!

Reggie Bush hurt his knee and the Carolina Panthers stomped all over the New Orleans Saints, like they were Tony Romo’s pinky! Final score, a shameful 30-7. I do not know when Bush will return, but he will not be drinking tea with the English next week, when the Saints to go London. Don’t worry, the English won’t notice. During last years “match” abroad between the Giants and the Dolphins, I saw someone wearing a Troy Aikman jersey (at least it wasn’t Michael Vick, right?).

Buffalo still maintains a surprising grip on the AFC East, at 5-1 with their latest victory over San Diego, 23-14. Then again, who else would contend for the division? The Brady-less Pats, The Miami Dolphins or the NY Bretts? Sounds like the Bills have this one clinched. Even more impressive though, the Bills and the Chargers played this game without electricity. Nope, it wasn’t a tribute to Brett Fav-ruh’s first NFL game (you know, since there was no electricity back then). The power went out when balloons hit an outside power line, and they played with no game clock...this small problem didn’t stop the referees from consistently calling delay of game. Perhaps it was the alternative form of timing used and the return of the self-absorbed Rivers, whose need to reassure himself of his importance, after being used as a bargaining chip to fulfill Eli Manning’s wishes, had him yelling at fans for booing him:




Minnesota v. Chicago was the complete opposite of the Jets/Raiders game, meaning that there was actually scoring going on. Despite four interception (one more than Eli last week) thrown by Minnesota, they managed to rack up 41 point against the Bears. Unfortunately for them, the Bears has 48. 48-41, Bears over Vikings.

Had I asked last week, “who is worse, Houston or Detroit?” Most people would have stared blankly at me as if I asked “Who is worse, Detroit or Cincy?” Well, lucky for us, the first of those two questions was answered this week. Houston proved that they are just the tiniest bit better than the Lions, when they won by a touchdown. 21-28, Texans. Leaving the Battle for Worst Team in NFL to be a tight race between the 0 and 6 Lions of Detroit and the ohhhhh and seven, Bengals of Cincinnati. Since the only way these two teams would meet this year would be at the Super Bowl, and we all know the only chance of that is in the stands, we will just have to watch intently as these teams continue to embarrass themselves against the rest of their respective conferences. My pick: Detroit is worse then Cincy.

Big Bro can’t blame the knee surgery after last week’s performance, so what happened Peyton? Interceptions at the one yard line? Looks like the ghost of Eli’s past took a trip to visit Big Brother Manning in Green Bay against the Packers. With a record setting 12 penalties for 110 yards, Colts lost to the Pack, 14-34.

Looks like Kansas City’s single win will remain over the Bronco’s choking performance to lose my Elimination Bowl pick. Despite KC’s attempt to remain consistently inconsistent and use three quarterbacks in a single game, the only thing their noncommittal QB situation lead to was another loss. Looks like the only thing the Chiefs are consistent at, is losing. As much as I enjoyed watching the confusion that ensues from the Chiefs decision to use the “Make a Wish Foundation” as a method of choosing a QB (“Hey kid! You ever wanna play QB for the Chiefs? Today is your lucky day, get in there!” ), I am a big fan of the passing game and Mr. Ex-Giant, Kerri Collins, only threw 18 passes to lead the undefeated Titans over the Chiefs, 34-10.
Perhaps the Chiefs thought, if they looked pathetic enough, Tennessee would give them one of their quarterbacks. After all, Vince Young is just sitting there.

Redskins continued to prove Strahan right in his comment that they weren’t meant to be front runners, when they barely passed the Browns, 11-14, after a wide right Brown’s field goal attempt. (Yeah, I know the Giants lost to the Browns, so what?)

I have to say, I never thought I would see Seattle in the running for second to the worst team in the NFL (actually 3rd, see Cincy and Detroit). Looks like the Seahawks may be desperate enough to take either Hasselbeck at this point. Senecca Wallace threw for a whopping 73 totals yards for Seattle this week. Despite wearing the prettiest jerseys in the NFL and their perfect use of bright green as an accent color, Seattle lost, yet again. This time to Tampa Bay and Jeff Garcia, who threw for 310 yards...apparently, side ways because they only scored 20 points. 20-10, Bucs.

MNF:
Looks like my favorite blue-eyes, Tom Brady back-up QB, heard what Jay Cutler did to me against KC and took it personally. Apparently he was tired of Boston’s incessant whining about “Tahm Brahdy) (said in that annoying Boston broad “A” accent) and he took it out on the Broncos. In fact, it appears the entire team was fed up, injuring an entire football family and taking out both brothers, Champ and Boss Bailey of the Broncos. Despite it being primarily a running game, Cassel can now say to his “Bahstahn” fans, “Shut up! you could have Jay Cutler!”

Week six in the NFL Recap (Say it isn't so!)

I know, you are all dying to see what I say about last night’s ridiculous performance, but you will just have to wait. Will I rip Eli apart, like I do other quarterbacks on their bad days or will I let him slide because he is the man at the helm of my World Champion NY GIANT heart? It is killing you, isn’t it? I will get to that. But first, Sunday...

The Atlanta Falcons celebrated a win over the Chicago Bears like they had just won the Super Bowl. Maybe it’s because they won the game on a 48 yard field goal, 22-20 or maybe it is because winning doesn’t come easy to the now 4-2 Falcons, but there were players hugging and lifting each other in a giant pile in the center of the field. I like to see players getting along, but I draw the line where I saw one player raise his arms in the air and point one finger on each hand in the air (no, not that one); the one you would use to say you are number one.I could see how they might think this is the end of the season, since this 4th win, tied their total wins for the entire last season. (no, not just in their division, but total). Baby Steps!! You have to learn to win in the regular season before you can play with the big boys.


I also want to congratulate the Houston Texans on their very first win! Before they know it, they will be catching up to the Falcons! Ok, ok, baby steps for them, too. Its obvious getting one win was busting their a**. I will let them bask in the glory of their single victory, after all, they tied the number of wins the team they beat had last year...total! Yup, that’s right, they beat the Dolphins. How did they do it? With Matt Schaub...he was sick in the hospital with IVs and the whole nine yards, but they would have checked him out themselves and made him play with a portable IV if they had to, after Sage’s performance last week. Matt felt no pressure I am sure, as there is no possibile performance worse than Mr. Rosenfels’s. Now that the Texans have won a game, I no longer feel I need to hold back on the Sage jokes.
Does no one else see anything wrong with a man named Sage? Perhaps his inability to perform is due to the fact that he is performing on the wrong stage. He is named after a spice! If Sage were Cinnamon....



I have to give you credit, big bro. The Colts played like the Giants have been playing and didn’t play last night. Colts over Ravens, 31-3 and it is due to Mannings flawless passing into double coverage for touchdowns. The defense had their help with Flacco throwing an interception, losing a fumble and handing off to no one, but Colts D deserves their credit for 4 sacks and holding the Ravens to ZERO first downs into the second quarter. What happened Mr. Manning, did ya feel your little brother clipping at your heels?

The Vikings just barely, and I stress barely, squeaked by the Detroit Lions and again, I saw a celebration of epic proportions, where a Viking put up the universal “we are number one sign.” What is going on? Guys! Hello? You beat a no win team, who is a contender for nothing, other than the worst team in the league. Now you think you are number one? Shall I point out that, had a referee not blown a pass interference call, you would have been out of field goal range and lost?
Come on! The Vikings should have taken their “win” and walked quietly off the field in hopes that no one would remember they almost lost to the Detroit Lions’ BACKUP! (Yeah guys! The guy that backs up Kitna!)
*These guys no that there are 16 weeks in the regular season, right?

Well I have good news and better news. I got a second chance at a survivor pool and this time I bought 2 picks. The better news, the Saints had something to prove after last week and sent the Raiders back to L.A. or Oakland or wherever they go where no one watches them play! An embarressing 34-3 win for the New Orleans Saints and loss for the Oakland Raiders.

HOWEVER, Welcome back Jay Cutler because Jason Campbell is the new Jay Cutler! STUPID JASON CAMPBELL! The Washington Redskins lost to the...St. Louis Rams. My shoe-in for the worst team in the league! Some guy named, Oshiomogho Atogwe, scored the Rams only touchdown to beat the ‘Skins, 19-17. I think Strahan put it best when he said “some teams just can’t handle being front runners!” That’s right Campbell, you cost me a Survivor pick, and you and your stupid Redskins can go and take a seat where you belong, quietly in the back shadows of the NFC EAST. The Eagles, Cowboys and Giants may not be undefeated but they did NOT lose to the Rams!

Whose turn was it to beat up on Cincy? The New York Jets. The Jets wore those ugly throwbacks again and they beat Cincy in a “no big deal game” 26-14. I am starting to wonder if the Jets dry cleaners are on strike because I have seen teams wear their throwbacks, once a season, in an effort to sell more jerseys, but the Jets have chosen this hideous attire more than once this, 6 week, season.

Tampa Bay and Carolina tie up their records at 4-2. The Panthers had three interceptions and a punt that was blocked and returned for a touchdown. Need I say more? Tampa Bay over Carolina, 27-3. I would make fun of Jake Delhomme’s three interceptions, but I can’t for obvious reasons. (If not obvious enough, See Giant game). I, suddenly, feel a deep sympathy for Carolina fans who had to sit and watch their QB throw away a chance to score, over and over and over. “It’s going to be okay, it’s just one game. Everyone is entitled to a bad game and they will be back on track next week.” (Or so I am told over and over as I pretend the Giants didn’t play last night.)

I thought about it, and I am willing to accept Jay Culter’s apology. His loss to Jacksonville was an obvious, “Please don’t hate me anymore, I can’t stand it. Look! I don’t only lose when you are betting on me. Take me back!” plea. So, Jay...it’s okay. I understand. Apparently, all QB’s have bad days (See Giants last night). Apparently, I am supposed to accept that not every game can be won and forgive, Eli. I mean you. After all, you only threw one interception last night...egh...Sunday.

Tony Romo continues his record streak for games with a fumble as the Cowboys purposely tried to lose to the Cardinals. There is no other explanation. Arizona kept a tight lead and on the last drive of regulation the Cowgirls were out of field goal range and down by 3. Read to go home, Arizona jumps offsides to place the Cowboys, barely within range of a 52-yard field goal which rolled over the cross bar to tie the game. (It took 2 tries. The first one was offset by a time out called before the snap by Arizona to ice the kicker.). The Cowgirls clearly upset that they didn’t lose, had their punt blocked in O.T. and returned for a Arizona TD. 24-30, final.

I almost forgot the most important part of that game. Tony Romo broke is finger and hopes to be back to play the Redskins. Yup, weeks from now!

GOOD NEWS: He will be back with plenty of time to choke in the playoffs.
BAD NEWS: He has to explain to Jessica Simpson why he can't just get a new finger.


Donovan McNabb threw 2 interceptions (one less than Eli) in the Eagles game against the 49ers. I can’t say I know why I still have to write about the 49ers. Even if one of them were to do something I love, like pick off McNabb, I wouldn’t even know his name. So in any even, two unnamed men wearing gold and red intercepted McNabb, but couldn’t do anything else to stop their 26-40 loss to the Eagles. Wait! I actually have something to say about the 49ers. Apparently, McNabb and Reid just passed the Montanna and Walsh combo for most wins. Joe Montana was a 49er!

Okay, Green Bay beat Seattle who was playing with a back up quarter back whose name will not be remembered and San Deigo beat New England. I didn’t watch. Sorry. But I can’t take this anymore....

THE FREAKIN GIANTS! What happened? Where was the “hand of God” last night? Eli, oh, Eli! It was like I was living a bad nightmare of your first three seasons in the NFL. The same stupid plays, the same bone head throws, the same blank expressions of “did I do that?”
The Cleveland Browns didn’t beat the Giants! The Giants beat the Giants. Eli was airing out passes to no one like he was Rex Grossman. Naturally, they were intercepted. Where was my Super Bowl Champion? Where was the guy who got angry at interceptions and shook off lineman to avoid sacks? Who was this head shaking, indifferent, rookie, I saw last night?
Are you mad at me for suggesting that I would ice Tony Romo’s hand for him? I was joking Eli. You know that you are my one and only true QB-1. I would never betray you, provided you never get traded to another team. When everyone was saying you hated football and that your daddy made you play or that your brother was the better Manning...I believed in you. When Giant Stadium was filled with T-shirts demanding Phillip Rivers back, I wore #10!So where were you when I needed you Eli? Where were you against the Browns?
They said that you didn’t have it in you, that you couldn’t win a Super Bowl. They said that you would never be as good as Peyton. I defended you. I told them to wait and see, that Eli Manning was a football god! I suffered with you threw seasons of Tiki saying you weren’t a leader and the press saying you didn’t care about winning. Until finally, there you were! A man! All grown up! Leading my team to the Super Bowl. You were yelling at receivers for missing catches. You were exerting authority. You were everything I wanted you to be.
But then last night, it all came back. You threw an interception and then looked down at your feet. You shook you head and walked off the field and returned only to do it again.
They called you OVERRATED! The stupid Browns with their Brady Quinn pity, called you OVERRATED! (Of course the Brown’s are completely ridiculous and rarely get to chant anything, so we give them what we can, as pathetic as they are. )
But you can’t let this happen. You had the Steve Smith connection all night but just couldn’t deliver. No, Eli! We have been through this! You won the Superbowl! You are a big boy now! You even grew "big boy" hair, remember?


But I was told that you are entitled to a bad game and after screaming at the tv, I decided...fine! We can get past this. We aren’t going to let the ghost of Eli’s past, haunt us into forcing passes. I have bad days...so can you. But from now on, have them in the off season.

Week 5 in the NFL (better a date late than two!)

44-6! That is the only way to start this weeks recap. The WORLD CHAMPION NY GIANTS gave a swift 44-6 a** kicking to the Seattle Seahawks. The Giants played beautifully, Eli’s perfectly thrown pass to Hixon on their first drive of the game looked as if the hand of God had reached down to guide the ball safely into the end zone. Brandon Jacobs, 3 T.D.s, 106 yrds rushing; Hixon 1 T.D., 102 yards receiving, Eli Manning 2 T.D.s, no interceptions, 267 yards passing, 523 yards of total offense. Even David Carr had a touch down. It was as if receivers danced poetically in and out of their patterns, to a song written by angels, for Eli while the defense held the Seahawks to 187 total yards, as if they were guarding their end zone like the gates of heaven. It was as if....as if...Plaxico Burress didn’t even exist. You didn’t see that coming did you? Seriously, it was a flawless performance for the WORLD CHAMPS and an embarrassment for Seattle.




You may find it hard to believe but, there were actually other games on this Sunday. Another thing you may find hard to believe, Kerry Collins continues to lead the Titans to 5-0 with a 13-10 win over the Ravens this week. Why didn’t Kerry play like that for the Giants? (Actually he did, it was the rest of the team that decided not to play back then. You remember Tiki, don’t you?) Let’s see if they can keep this up next week, when rumor has it, the Titans plan on throwing Vince Young back in the mix. In my humble opinion Tennessee, if your quarterback is winning games, you just let him do his thing, I don’t care what your options are. If it aint broke, don’t fix it!

Apparently, the only time Kansas City shows up for a game is when they are screwing up by Survivor pool picks. (Stupid, Jay Cutler!!) Given their win last week, it looks like the Chiefs had something to prove this week..that they were still the worst team in the league. (Next to St. Louis, of course). Coach Edwards was quoted as saying “he didn’t see this coming.” Are you kidding? Did he mean the loss, or the shut out?!? Last week ended a 12 game losing streak for the Chiefs. Maybe he forgot. If he is wondering how they lost, I am happy to explain. Huard was less than 50% with his passing and two of his completed passes were to the other team. There is also the issue that he didn’t manage his second first down of the game until his fate was sealed 24-0. Oh, and did I mention the fumble? Come on guys, you really didn’t see this coming? Well see it now, because until you pick a quarterback and stick with him, it will keep happening. Changing your leading man every game creates the instability that guarantees losses. Wow! Maybe I should coach the Chiefs! Credit to the Panthers though, their defense was excellent, holding Larry Johnson to a total of 2 yards! Final score: 34-0.

Another embarrassment, though not quite as bad, was the Chicago Bears over the Detroit Lions, 34-7. Look at that Detroit. You are exactly one T.D. away from being as bad as the Chiefs. Good work! What was the best play call the Bears ever made? “Pretend Rex Grossman doesn’t exist, on three!!” Orton threw for 334 yards and 2 T.D.s. Detroit did nothing but suck.

Despite Aaron Rodgers’ 313 yards passing and 3 touch downs, 97 yards of penalties and foolishness allowed the Falcons to squeak by the Packers 27-24. But it wasn’t as exciting as the comeback of the week.... Peyton “the lesser” Manning, was being lead by the Texans by 17 points, when in pure Texans fashion...they blew it! They didn’t score again. In under 3 minutes the Colts scored 21 points. What happened next was just pure devastation for Steve Slaton who had two touchdowns and Mario Williams who had two sacks. They did all they could but their quarterback single handedly sealed their fate as contenders for the worst team in the NFL (aside from the Rams). It sounded something like this:
Winless Texans about to beating the Colts by 17 with 8 minutes lef tint he game.
Touchdown Colts! 4 minutes left int he game. Rosenfels back to pass, FUMBLE! Touchdown Colts!Colts down by three just over 3 minutes on the clock.Rosenfels back to pass again, he's SACKED and FUMBLE! Touchdown Colts!Rosenthal has a chance to redeem himself. There is still 2 minutes on the clock, Rosenfel is back, looks left and throws deep...and...it INTERCEPTED! Goodbye, Texans!
*I actually had an entire section here announcing the play by play but, I edited it out. But that is why you will find the remainder of the recaps so short...
I was actually going to put a picture here of Rosenfels Want Ad for friends, or make fun of how even the Dolphins didn't want him or his name being "Sage." But as the list of reasons to make fun of him got longer, I realized, it is just too easy and this guy already has it pretty rough. I mean look how cute and innocent and scared he is....

"Oh God, can you hear me? Its me Sage! Please? If you are done with Eli Manning can you please not let me drop this ball, again...everyone hates me! "


Miami beat San Diego 17-10. Chad Pennington throwing 22/29 is slowly but surely pulling the Dolphins out of the land of no return their 15-1 season sent them to last year. We will be back to hearing how Dolphins aren’t fish but mammals and how they are stronger than sharks, in no time!

Everyone sing with me! Cry, Eagles, Cry! All the way to last place in the NFC East...beat by the Redskins. 23-17.

Stupid Jay Cutler and the Broncos beat Tampa Bay 13-16. Despite throwing for his worst game all season Cutler managed a win this week....probably because he already lost the pool for me last week! This game was terrible. No one played well, it was just lucky.

Upset of the week was, Arizona over Buffalo, 41-17. The Cardinals were scoring like its their job, (wait it is their job!), the first three quarters, but absolutely nothing happened in the 4th. You could have turned off the tv.

I am sure you heard or read Ocho Cincos claims that he would kiss the Dallas star is he scored in Cincys game against Dallas. Well, he didn’t. Not only did Cincy lose their fifth game of the 5-week season, but Ocho Cinco did nothing. 3 receptions for 43 yards. Maybe next time. Ocho wasn’t the only clown in that game. Last week, T.O. said Dallas didn’t win because they didn’t give him the ball either. I can’t imagine he was happy about the win, since he only touched the ball three times...all game!

2 interceptions by Cassel was met with three interceptions by O’Sullivan. It was like they were trying to beat each other out in a game of “who can be the worst QB of the week.” Although, clearly they didn’t see the Texans game. Anyway, assuming they were playing to win, New England came out on top of the 49ers, 30-21.

Pittsburgh v. Jacksonville was down to the wire. Steelers took the lead at the end of the 4th with a TD and a failed 2 pt. conversion, but the win was sealed when the Jags turned the ball over on downs in the final seconds. Steelers, 26-21.

Saints wrote the recipe on Monday night for “How to Lose to the Vikings at home.” You take 2 interceptions by Brees and add 2 fumbles by Reggie Bush. You would think that would be enough, but just to make sure the loss turns out just right, you want to add 3 more fumbles by Drew Brees and wait until they result in Viking points. Then incase the Saints get in the red zone again, it is recommended that you seal the loss and top it off with 2 missed field goals.
Come on Saints! What happened? You disappoint me, Reggie.