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"With 10 days to go before a critical appearance in Manhattan criminal court, the attorney for Plaxico Burress is feverishly working behind the scenes to find a negotiated settlement that would allow Burress to play football in 2009 -- either by reaching a plea deal with minimal jail time or by postponing a possible trial until after the 2009 NFL season with the hopes of playing this fall, a source with knowledge of the case said Friday."

Seriously? I am tired of hearing about the possibility of Plax doing jail time and it isn’t because he was a New York Football Giant, either.

Aren’t we being a little harsh on the guy? (I even saw one cite compare him to O.J. Simpson!) If stupidity were a crime, he should serve a life sentence. (Then again, the world would be an entirely different...and empty…place) But what did Burress really do?

I know. I know. He was carrying a concealed weapon without a permit and that is a crime. But hasn’t he been punished enough?

Come on! He shot himself in the foot! (Literally and figuratively.) Not only did he get shot, but he did it to himself…by accident!

Not only does he look like a fool and have a throbbing, painful limp but the four-game suspension cost Burress $823,529 in lost wages. He was also fined an additional $205,882 (or ONE WEEKS SALARY!) and being dropped by the G-men cost Burress as much as $27 million and his job!

I think he has paid for his crime. Spank the boy and send him on his way!



And don’t give me that “if he wasn’t an NFL player he wouldn’t be getting special treatment” b-o-l-o-g-n-a! Don’t kid yourself; the District Attorney enters plea agreements for much bigger crimes, every...single...day (you just don’t hear about them on ESPN)!

If Plax serves jail time, it is because he didn’t hire me as his attorney. (Do you think they are going to find a panel of jurors in New York, that aren’t Giant fans?) I already have my entire case prepared.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecutor wants you to believe that Plaxico Burress is a criminal, who thinks he doesn’t have to abide by the law because he plays football. But I would like to remind you, who Plaxico Burress really is to New York…(hit the video)"



"…And the Defense rests."

Watching that, I get nervous all over again; biting my nails as Tyree struggles to pull the ball against his helmet; thinking it is all over when Eli gets pulled down by his jersey and then breaks free. My heart races as the clock runs down and my G-men make their way down field. I hold my breath as Manning releases that final pass, my excitement builds watching it float through the air toward the end zone... one last play, one last pass, one last chance to end a perfect season and be the WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK GIANTS...then I jump up and cheer, in pure euphoria as Plaxico makes the final catch in the most amazing drive in Super Bowl history! The joy of the best 2 minutes and 7 seconds of my life comes flooding back! My heart fills with pride and Plaxico Burress is my hero, once again! There won't be a dry eye in the house!

NOT GUILTY!




PS. This guy might be taking it a little to hard...

One man's Rush is Another Man's Trudge

It isn't everyday that a guy wearing a number as high as 92 scores a touchdown.

When they do, I often joke that as the gigantic defender runs down field, he is thinking "Please tackle me! I can't run anymore!"

There are few things more entertaining to watch, than the epic journey of a linebacker, 10 yards down field.

As they near the endzone, their run becomes less of a stride motion and more of a stagger; ending in a collpase of thankfulness, that they have by the grace of God, on their very last breath, FINALLY reached the endzone!

They are then immediately met with water and oxygen masks, as if they have just completed a 3 day trek through the Sahara, when in reality they could probably reach out and touch the very same spot they started running from.

So imagine my amusement when all 250lbs of linebacker, James Harrison returned an interception for the longest play in Super Bowl history. 100 yards. Before his record breaking play, the farthest Harrison ever had to run was from the line of scrimmage to the quarterback pocket and he doesn't do so very quickly.

Watch here as #92 completes his 100 yard pilgrimage from one end zone to the other. His stride remains steady, although he has quite a but of help before he us pushed into the end zone and collpases on the turf like he was shot in the leg by Plaxico Burress.



So what was Harrison thinking? Perhaps something along the lines of:

"What a time to be on a defensive team! Will one of you let me get tackled already?!"

or...

"100 yards didn't seem so far when it was 300 foot long sandwiches."

or...

Maybe we should just ask him...

Week After Super Sunday

A few random thoughts which occurred to me during the Super Bowl:

1. The ‘safety’ has to be the funnest signal in football. The quaterback gets backed up anywhere near the end zone and suddenly everyone in the stadium, including 300 something lbs linebackers are standing with their hands over their heads like genies. Some people signal first downs, other people see holding and grab their wrists, but everyone signals for a safety! It is so much fun!


2. I wonder if when a football player makes a huge play and points up to Jesus, he points back at them?


3. Are Omar Epps and Mike Tomlin twins? Do they know each other? Do their mom’s look alike? Have they ever run into each other and thought “Holy Sh*t! You look just like me!?”



4. Just when I thought that saying Palamalu was the coolest name in the Super Bowl, I discovered Coach Wizenhut

5. When Ben Patrick scored a touchdown for the Cards, he was the first 7th round choice to score a touchdown in a Super Bowl since 2005. Is that a significant statistic? Who comes up with those and how are they so readily available? Before the game do they hand the announcers a paper that says “In the event that Ben Patrick scores, say this…”

6. I am discriminating against certain touchdown celebrations. I don’t mind seeing a traditional chest bump or high five. Some guys do a celebration that looks like lunges and I don’t mind that either. Heck, if you just ran 50 yards and you aren’t tired, please, go ahead, do some lunges. I find it disturbing however, when a grown man who regularly smashes his body into 300lb men suddenly gets twinkle toes and ballerinas his flapping arms around the end zone. Then again, if I were to score an NFL touchdown, they wouldn’t have enough flags for the excessive celebrations I would draw. I would be dancing for hours, provided I could still breathe. They would have to carry me off the field.

7. If I had control over the telestrator, I would not be able to resist drawing mustaches on people and writing inappropriate speech bubbles.

8. Can you seriously not review the last play of the Superbowl to see if its a forward pass or fumble?

Either way, congrats Pittsburgh! I look forward to all the Steelers won the Super Bowl songs!!!

Steeler Mania P.S.

P.S. (See, And I thought No one Cared About this years Super Bowl)
I guess this didn't need to be a completely separate post, but a few of you are missing, the insanity of the 'Steeler church video.' I find it important, as the director of your attention to sports absurdities (not my official title), to illustrate this for you.

It is obvious that they are in a church, singing about the Steelers. A church is, a building for public, especially Christian, worship of religion. I understand that they are just singing and at least they didn't break out chicken wings and beer while watching a projection of the game on the altar.

Clearly, they are holding back. And I guess, I can see how some might say that to them, football is a religion. Those people, however, probably don't go to church (other than to pray for the Steelers), so they wouldn't know that the song they are singing is actually, "Jesus, We Adore You." Yes, they have actually replaced Jesus with Steelers...and they did it in a church!

"This week instead of Jesus Christ, we will be worshipping the Steelers. If you would all open your Sports Illustrated, we will now have a reading from the Book of Palamalu."


I am not offended by the Steelers, I am sure God has a sense of humor, look at the Eagles' trophy case!

(Nope, making fun of the Eagles never gets old!)

I am simply pointing out the absurdity of it all! Can you see it now?


In case you don't understand the 'reading,' watch Larry Johnson tackle Troy Palomalu by his hair and then pull him back up by it. (Make sure you watch the replay!)

And I thought No one cared about this years Super Bowl

*This was posted twice and the other copy removed because it was 'defective.'

What better way to honor your team going to the Super Bowl, than to create a song or parody or six? Steeler fans are a very special breed, but lucky for them they were born on the west side of PA or they might have been Eagle fans. (What would they sing about then?)"We've got no ring, our quarter back's old, we're never goin to the Suuuper Bowl!" (sung to the beat of the Steelers Super Bowl song....I should clarify...the FIRST Steeler song, found below)

Okay, this first one is good! Very catchy...even though I am pulling for the Cards, I find myself singing "Pittsburgh's going to the Superbowl," randomly. Actually, I may put this on my ipod. This is an awesome song and they changed it slightly from their last visit to the Superbowl so that it would be accurate. After all, what kind of fan would recycle the same song? Gees! (See end of post for their 5th Super Bowl addition).



That was good, admit it. However, here is where Steeler's fans reach genius status.



And I thought this is where Steeler's fans offended Jesus...


(Lord drop kick the Steelers through the goal posts tonight? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?)

But then, I saw this....IN A CHURCH!


In a church? Seriously?

This one is just stupid. They can't all be winners. I like how this one has credits though, so that other Steeler fans know who wrote this crappy song and shamed the Steeler song genre...



Steeler fans make my life easy. No photoshop, no jokes to come up with...amazing.
I guess you have got to come up with something, when you are following the MOST WATCHED CHAMPIONSHIP GAME IN SPORTS HISTORY! Go, G-men!....oops! I mean, CARDS!


Last Super Bowl visit, this was the Steeler's song, which they remixed this season to be the first one on this page.

What's in a Ring?

What’s in a Ring?


Well, for the New York Giants, it’s Tiffany & Co. white gold, 3 Super Bowl trophies accented with marquise diamonds signifying the team’s Super Bowl XXI, XXV and XLII victories, along with the team’s “NY” logo in bead set round diamonds. “World Champions” is emblazoned in raised letters on the top and bottom bezel, with channel set diamonds on left and right bezel. The ring’s shanks celebrate the Giants’ storybook season leading up to Super Bowl Sunday. “Eleven Straight on the Road,” an NFL record; the NFL shield; player name, along with player number in raised letters appear on one shank; and the final score (NYG 17 NE 14), “Super Bowl XLII,” date (02.03.08) and ‘AZ’ appear on the other shank.


For the Indianapolis Colts, it’s a much simpler, yet meaningful design, containing 50 diamonds and synthetic blue sapphire. There's the word "Faith" on one shank, and on the opposite shank is the phrase "Our time.” A dot of red enamel found on each of the players' rings, forming one rivet in a small horseshoe. The red symbolizes a drop of blood, emblematic of players "leaving it all on the field.”


For the Pittsburgh Steelers, was probably the “simplest” of rings, but with just as much meaning, given it was “the one for the thumb.” It contains five Vince Lombardi trophies in dazzling diamonds around the Steelers' logo on the front and featured yellow gold. It contained each player's name and number on the side, the 21-10 score of the game and the numeral XL. Not as flashy as some of the others, but just as meaningful, I am sure.


The New England Patriotss most recent ring, has a total of 124 diamonds and an approximate weight of 4.94 carats. Flanking the center structure of the ring are the words "WORLD" on the left and "CHAMPIONS" on the right in high cut-out relief with a black-antiqued background. Each word contains twenty-six 0.005 carat round brilliant-cut pave-set diamonds equaling .26 carats total weight. The center of the ring is a football-shaped motif with three Lombardi trophies and the Patriots team emblem embellished with a red and blue translucent simulated stone background. The border of the Patriot emblem contains twenty-one .01 carat round brilliant-cut pave-set diamonds representing twenty-one straight wins. There is one .005 carat round diamond set in the simulated sapphire helmet reflecting the vision and focus of the organization. And that is just the top of the ring…

But for the Philadelphia Eagles, well, they got this… an empty phone call to the SUPERBOWL CHAMPION NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANT'S booth.
(Hope it was worth it, McNabb, it’s the only ring your getting this season!)


McNabb, picked up the phone on his last drive against the REIGNING WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS (how many more times am I going to get to say that?) and made a phone call. Hmmm…wonder what was said?

“Hello? Is this the NFL? I am just calling to find out…’can the NFC Championship game end in a tie?’”

“Hey mom! Guess what? I finally beat Eli Manning! No mom, I didn’t get a Super bowl ring. Yes mom, I know he has one. Yes, I have been in the league 10 years…I know Eli won one in his 4th season… I gotta go, mom!”

“Hi! Whoever this is, I am just calling to remind everyone that even after 10 seasons, I am still an immature ******* and the Eagles are still a classless establishment without any Super bowl rings, so I have to celebrate where I can.”

“Hello, Giant’s booth? I was hoping if you could tell me how to win a super bowl!?”

Sure, McNabb apologized. Actually, he said he was just having fun. "That was the most important thing we had to get back to, just having fun."

Did you have fun this week McNabb? I didn’t see you making any phone calls from the Arizona sideline. I didn’t see any bird dances. No flapping arms… but, maybe it was all that red and white confetti in the way and I couldn’t see.

Cardinals over Eagles, 32-25! Thanks Cards!

Yes, there was another game on. Both the Ravens and the Steelers have Super Bowl rings, however, the Pittsburgh Steelers will be looking for number 6 (which has no cool name like 'one for the thumb') against the Arizona Cardinals. I have a feeling the Steelers are going to be favored, but I am going with the Cards, all the way!