Wildcard: Fly Eagles Fl...BANG!

There have been reports of birds mysteriously falling out of the skies and no one knows why. I’ll tell you why, the over-inflated sense of self-worth that was keeping the Eagle’s up there was just shot down by the Green Bay Packers, sending the arm-flailing, birds in green back to another year of Super Bowl-less reality.

The Eagles weren’t worried about the Pack. Cocky as always, the Eagles and their “I can see by the scoreboard that we are losing, but I think that I should make hand gestures implying that I am great, anyway” DeSean Jackson, taunted the Green Bay Packers, despite the fact that they NEVER lead the game against the NFC wildcard team. The Eagles converted just 5 of 13 first-down opportunities and David Akers missed two field goals. That pretty much was the ballgame. Oh wait! Did I mention Michael Vick's interception in the end zone on the final drive of the game?

Don’t worry Vick, I still hear the MVP chants, only they are coming from Packer fans, now!

There has been some discussion as to whether off-field stressors have gotten to Akers causing him to miss TWO field goals. Hmmm…how about the stressor of being an Eagle for 10 years and not having a Super Bowl ring? I think those two missed field goals were an intentional cry for mercy…


Maybe Mr. Akers is tired of being the bridesmaid of the NFC. The Eagle’s make it to the playoffs, but never the Super Bowl. They win some games, but never the big one. And they stand on the side, while someone else always gets the ring.
Always the bridesmaids, never the bride.

(That was hard to do. I couldn’t find a full body picture of Andy Reid. I guess the wide lens, just isn’t wide enough!)

But perhaps the best news is that Michael Vick may be writing a book! A book? Seriously? About what? ALMOST winning a playoff game? Or is this a book about his personal life? No, wait! Let me guess…a dog training manual? Come on!

Michael Vick writing a book is a punch line in itself. Isn’t he getting a little ahead of himself? Maybe he should try reading a book before he writes one because I am pretty sure the last thing Vick read was his Miranda rights.

Maybe it’ll be a picture book.


Speaking of Vick’s plans, several Eagles' fans were asking me all week “What is Eli doing on Super Bowl Sunday?” (As if the Eagle’s were going to be there…not, unless they are buying tickets, buddy!) Well, I guess he will be watching the game, just like Vick…only with a ring on his finger and three trophies in his stadium. (Except, he can go to the game without asking his probation officer for permission to leave the state).

In case Eagles fans don't know what that is...it is a SUPER BOWL RING!

So the Eagles are out and we can enjoy yet another year of reminding them that they never won a Super Bowl! But don’t worry Eagle’s fans, you can still wear your “Go Birds!” shirts because the Falcons and the Seahawks are still in it.

Yes. I said the Seahawks. I remember when the playoff’s were only for teams with winning records. Not anymore! The Seahawks at 7-9, not only made the playoffs but they actually won their division (Way to go Cards, Rams and 49ers!). With the worst record ever seen in the playoffs, they hosted the defending Super Bowls champion, Saints…and won!

The Jets played the Colts but not before Rex Ryan could remind the world what a jack ass he is. Ryan announced that no team would ever beat him twice and said that it was “personal” because he wanted to beat Peyton Manning. He has even admitted to centering his entire draft around players that could beat Peyton Manning…obsessed much?
So after calling out Peyton Manning, the Colts took the opportunity to call out Rex

Unfortunately, the Jets beat the Colts when Nick Folk made a 32-yard field goal as time expired Saturday night. (Do you think Rex Ryan gave him a nice foot rub as a reward?)

Creepy!

The win prompted Ryan to take time out of his busy foot-rubbing schedule to remind us once again, that the fact that he has never won anything as defensive coordinator or head coach, doesn’t stop him from running his big mouth.

Rex claims, his next game, against the Patriots is really a matter of “Rex Ryan vs. Bill Belichick” because their teams are equal at every position. Hmmm...is anyone drafting Mark Sanchez over Tom Brady on their fantasy team? Because Ryan’s statement is nothing short of just that…a fantasy.

Apparently, Ryan's selective memory doesn’t recall that the last time they met, Sanchez threw three interceptions and the Pats beat the Jets, 45-3. However, he does remember that Tom Brady was taunting him. “He's going to try to look at me and do what he always does and sprints off the field and all that. ... He always points after he scores to everybody. “ Ryan said.

When asked if Brady points at Ryan, personally. Ryan said, “I don’t think so. I am not as big of a target as I used to be.”

Not as big of a target? Riiiight. Neither is the Goodyear Blimp.

Ps. There is no certainty that Vick will be an Eagle again next year. I wonder how many Eagle fans who compromised their morals for a sociopathic quarterback will suddenly join the movement against animal cruelty and consider Vick a killer, if he signs with another team.

Week 15: Patriots fans, as pathetic as Giants 4th Quarter Decisions

Okay, so the Giant embarrassed themselves this week. There is no way around it. They blew a 21-point lead in 4 minutes. I have had to deal with the absurdity that has become Eagle’s fans, all day. Seriously, I woke up this morning, checked my Facebook and thought I had missed the Super Bowl. (Then again, you have to give Eagle fans a break. They don’t know what winning a Super Bowl is like).

But even if the Giants can sit back and shine their rings while Eagle fans run their mouths, it was pathetic. A disgusting display of poor decisions and incompetence and every Eagle’s fan deserves today to flap their arms and display their inflated versions of reality because even if they are completely off the wall with comments about how Sunday will be the most remembered game in history (I wouldn’t hold my breath), the Giants should have NOTHING to say to them.

So, why do you all feel a rant of some sort coming? Because, my bone to pick is not with Eagles’ fan, who are entitled to cheer on their teams persistence on Sunday but, with Patriot fans.

Really? The Eagles out played the Giants, not the Patriots! I would love to know what the Pats did to contribute to the Eagle’s win that makes them gloat. Perhaps they recorded some sideline signals and sent them over? Or is it because, no one blows it quite like the Giants….except the Patriots!

Yes Patriots, you lost the Super Bowl to the Giants. Everyone knows it, even Eagle's fan who are probably the only others who wanted to see them lose. It was televised, you can't hide it. The Giants were destroyed by the Ravens in Super Bowl XXXV, but you don’t see me become an instant Ravens-hater or Pittsburgh Steeler fan. We lost. It happens. We got over it. So why is it that Patriot fans can’t seem to wash the bitter taste of failure out of their mouths? (Could it be because they won’t keep them closed long enough?) What makes them such hard core Eagle fans? What makes a victory against the Giants a victory for them?

What makes it so hard for Patriots fans to let go, pull up their shiny pants, brush back their Tom Brady semi-mullets and move on?

Some of them seem to feel as though they were robbed in some way. I constantly hear from Patriot fans that “the Giants got lucky.” Ha. Perhaps I can help you all rest easy by dispelling this ridiculous argument.

First, correct me if I am wrong, but was it not the Patriots that were penalized a second round draft pick for cheating that same year? Wasn’t it the Patriots who got caught taping defensive signals during the Jets game? Given that those actions were a blatant and intentional violation of NFL rules, and had nothing to do with “luck” let’s put this “wedding day pimple” size blemish, on the Cheatroits IMPERFECT season, aside for now. (After these messages from their sponsors)




Okay so let’s see where the Giants just “got lucky,” shall we?

I know! Was it that the Giants were playing their first season without their previous go-to man, Tiki Barber and adapting to a new offensive approach?

Was it that the Giants lost running back Derrick Ward, defensive end Mathias Kiwanuka and tight end Jeremy Shockey, leaving holes all over the team? **LUCKY THEM!**

Was it that the media (an “never heard from again”, Tiki Barber) were constantly in the face of Giants players, questioning their leadership? (After all, I am sure Patriot fans know how easy the media, constantly being in the locker room, can make things, right?)

No wait! I guess the luck came in when, despite the injuries and constant disruption, the Giants went on to win an NFL record 10 away games in a row, with three road playoff wins. (Easy, right?)

I guess they just got lucky and the other teams didn’t show up. They were all won by forfeit, right? Or maybe they played a bunch of pansy teams? Wrong. The Giants went on to beat every team who was allegedly superior to them. That is a whole lot of luck!

Maybe it was luck, or maybe it was because Eli didn’t throw a single interception. I guess the other teams just weren’t playing any defense (even though the Bucs had the #2 defense!).

I guess it was luck and not skill that got them there, even though they beat, the fourth-seeded Tamp Bay Bucs 24–14, they upset the top-seeded Dallas Cowboys 21–17 and advanced to the Super Bowl with a 23–20 overtime win over the second-seeded Green Bay Packers, in the third coldest game of all-time. (Boy, they sure did get lucky with that excellent weather and all the home field advantage, right?)

Let’s blame the refs. But can you? Considering at week 10 the Giants were the third most penalized team in the NFC (damn off-sides!). Hmmm...doesn't sound like that is a good excuse, Pats!

Oh. Wait. I get it. The Giants arrived at the Super Bowl with pure skill and endurance. The luck started at the actual Super Bowl, right? I guess the interception, Eli’s broken tackle to keep their drive alive, Plaxico’s game winning catch in the corner of the end zone (which he had caught many times before), were all the Football fairies coming down from the magical land of “Footballtopia” and sprinkling them with bewitching sparkly luck dust. Please.




Pats fans call it luck. You know what teams, who can put aside delusion and deal with loss, call interceptions? Defense.

When Eli breaks a tackle to complete a pass, you call it luck. When Vick does it, you call it skill? Oh, Patriots, how bitterness can skew the mind.

But even if somewhere in that distorted version of reality, all of the above can be “irrationalized” as some how, pertaining to luck...here, my hallucinating friends, is the real question. If the Patriots were so superior, why was the game left down to one “lucky” drive and one “lucky” touchdown?

You just got beat. There is no asterisk next to Super Bowl XLII saying, “Giants got lucky.” So why all of the negativity still? Why the sudden desire to flap your wings with the Eagle fans?

Yes, the Giants were beat by the Eagles. Quite a few times in fact. But I have no excuses. The Eagle’s didn’t “get lucky.” The Giants made stupid decisions (our defense is working too good, let’s change it! Really?) and the Eagles made smart ones. It happens. So why Patriot fans, are you so unable to admit defeat. Why, three seasons later, can you not admit that you were just plain beaten?

Is it the book? Come on. Don’t be sad. So you put out a book about your undefeated season and then got beaten...Whose fault is that, really? Plus, the Patriots can still write a book. They still have a story to tell. They can even use the same cover, with a few minor modifications. (Sorry, I couldn't pick just one title).




(Like how his legs are crossed? Goes with the Title: Premature Exhilaration.”)

Or how about a self-help book for pro-athletes.


Is that not it? Are you bitter because the Patriots bought the legal copyright to “19-0?” if it hurts that bad, I am sure the Giant fan who bought “18-1” will be happy to sell it to you for a reasonable price.

Are you in denial because of all those shirts and hats that went to waste? If that is the case, rest easy. The kids in Nicaragua love them.


As you can see, there are no excuses. You lost, fair and square (a concept I am sure escapes you)!

I know I am wasting my time, because there are people who cannot be reached and rather than show some sportsmanship, admit defeat and congratulate a team on a well-deserved victory, they make excuses and I understand why. They are afraid. It is easier to hate the Giants than to live in a reality of fear. No, not fear that the Giants are going to beat them or that they are a better team this season, but fear that the Giants will define them for the rest of your franchise history. Fear that whenever someone says Patriots, “18-1” won’t be far behind. Fear that no matter how good the team gets, no matter how many games they win or how important the game, the Giants will always have ended the “perfect season.” They can’t shake it. It will never go away. They can hide behind the Eagles, they can win Super Bowls, they can run their mouths, but Super Bowl XLII, the most watched Super Bowl in history, will always be what people remember. It will always be their failure. It will always be OURS!

And as for the argument that the Giants were gloating, post Super Bowl, what is your point? Weren't they entitled? They won the Super Bowl! When else should they gloat? (Apparently, Pats fans gloat when the Eagles do what they couldn't...does that make sense?)No one stops the Patriots from mentioning how many rings they have...that is their right. They earned them.

You hate the Giants because you didn't beat the Giants and even if you do in the future, you didn't beat them in the most important game in New England history! No matter what the Eagles do or what happens from here on out, that won't EVER change. You can make excuses and ride the Eagles until Brett Favre actually retires, but it won't change reality. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can live with it and not hang on to your bitter excuses and accusations of luck. Every year their is a Super Bowl loser and every year that team and their fans GET OVER IT! Join them.

And just in case, if you really can’t accept the loss and co-exist with fans who live in reality. You don’t have to! Move to Nicaragua. Everyone there probably thinks you won!


With all of that being said, what the heck were the Giants thinking? For 3 quarters the only time anyone had to say Vick's name, was to mention that he was eating the turf again or unable to complete yet another pass. I guess that was working too well for the Giants because they changed it! Why? why change your defense when you are putting another team away? Who made that decision? I want their name and their job!

What kind of halftime pep talk did the coaching staff give the Giants? All they had to do was go in there, spank Manningham for his ridiculous fumble and tell the rest of the team "just keep doing what you are doing." Someone on that staff has Vick on their fantasy team! Unbelievable.

I think it is a bit much that some Eagle fans claim they destroyed the Giants, when they really only played quality football for 4 minutes, but those were the 4 that mattered, I guess and a loss is a loss. Giants made a stupid decision and the Eagles took advantage, but guess what...THE PATRIOTS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!

And really Dodge, you couldn't punt out of bounds? You used to ONLY punt out of bounds.

Other teams played Sunday, but I was in no condition to watch.

Week 14: Build me a Dome

I saw a Mark Sanchez commercial, where he said, “What powers me? Determination. A defensive line trying to put me on my back.” Good news, Sanchez. If having a d-line smash you into the turf, gives you power, you should be all powered up after this passed Sunday! The Dolphins sacked Sanchez six times. And even though the Dolphins lost 3 fumbles, had only ONE positive yard in the third quarter and only 131 yards total, we didn’t have to watch one single Jet flying around the field with his arms out like a fairy, or a plane or whatever he is supposed to be. Why is that? Because they didn’t score a single touchdown. Then, just when you thought the Patriots were the only AFC East cheaters, in the third quarter Jets Sal Alosi, New York's strength and conditioning coach, tripped Miami's Nolan Carroll while the rookie was covering a punt. Yup, the coach actually stuck his knee out as the player ran by and tripped him…during the actual punt coverage. Watch it here:



Come on, Jets! Can’t you hear the Eagles fans using this as their next excuse for Michael Vick? “We know that Vick tortured a bunch of defenseless animals, but Stallworth killed someone. We know that Vick is a psychopath, but Plaxico shot himself in the foot, he could have hurt someone… Yeah, we know Vick ran an illegal dog fighting ring, used live puppies as bait for trained killing dogs to develop a hunger for blood, but the Jets coach tripped someone. A human could have been hurt.” (My favorite is “Vick said he was sorry.” Oh well then by all mean, he must be sorry! Let him play!)

Anyway, if the Jets have any class (which is doubtful) Alosi will be leaving his parking pass and badge with security on his way out.

But not to be outdone, the Pats didn’t want to lose their solid reputation as the NFL’s biggest fraud, New England linebacker Brandon Spikes was suspended 4 games for violating the leagues performance-enhancing drug policy. Ready with an excuse the Pats claim the drug was not illegal, but medication for treatment of his attention deficit disorder. (“Vick is a killer, but Spikes took prescription drugs.”)

When asked about why he didn’t clear his attention deficit disorder meds with the NFL, Spikes replied, “ohhhh, look at the bird!”



Even without Spikes, the Patriots had no trouble with the Bears, trampling Chicago 36-7, despite the 26-degree weather and the ceaseless blizzard that took place for 4 quarters. When I saw the field, I couldn’t believe what I saw…

My shock wasn’t so much the weather, as the fact that there was that much white powder in the NFL without a Dallas Cowboy being involved.

The snow didn’t only stand in the way of the Bears; it caused the NFL to post pone the Giants-Vikings game to Monday night. Apparently, the Mall of America Stadium’s dome collapsed under the weight of the snow above. However, the Fox footage of the snow pouring onto the field through a hole in the roof looked a lot to me like the Dome is just joining the rest of us in throwing up at the news of Favre’s 297th injury of the season. Waaaaa! Waaa! Favre, even the Dome wants you out!

(Again, all that white and not a Cowboy in sight!)

Favre was wavering, as he does every week, about whether he would start against the Giants. But at this point, does anyone want him to play? The old man who cried wolf’s latest injury came after he threw one pass last week to the Buffalo Bills. The interception was Favre’s only pass before the big baby claimed to sprain his shoulder so badly he couldn’t return to the game. Good thing for the Vikings, who were losing 7-0 with Favre, went on to beat the Bills 14-38 in his absence. Sooo, did Favre really get hurt this time or did he just want to throw one pass to keep his streak going and get out of the game? (After all, everyone knows he is a team player!)

You should have saved that one pass excuse for this week Favre, considering reports claim you won’t want to be in for more than one play against the Giants defense. Line of the week: “If he plays against the Giants, it would be like feeding a wounded 41-year-old animal to a predator.” No one wants that, old man! Except maybe Eagle’s fans. (Vick might share the same mental characteristics as a serial killer, but the Giants defense beat up on elderly Brett Favre!)

Giants will take on the Vikings in Detroit, tonight and the tickets are free for those who show up. So the stadium will be filled with hoodlums and hooligans, but unlike in Cincy, they will be off the field, not on it.

On a brighter note, this weeks MVP….Jay Feely. Yes, the kicker. (Former NY Giants kicker, but don’t worry, we’ve got Tynes now! Ugh!) Normally beating the Broncos is nothing to be super excited about, however when a kicker does it on his own, it becomes worth mentioning. The Arizona kicker has 5 field goals, a rushing touch down and an extra point, to outscore Denver, 24-13 by himself. If you factor in the rest of the team the final score was 43-13, but Feely scored enough points on his own. He did miss a 45 yarder, but come on, not everyone can be as perfect as Vick. Congrats Feely, you racked up 29 fantasy points yesterday! (Does anything else really matter?)

Week 10: The Night the Lights Went Out in Jersey (@#$%!)

Sooooo, I guess the Cowgirls were still a little upset about that whole, knocking Tony Romo out for the season thing…

The word was out that Dallas had a bounty on Eli Manning’s head (not cool, by the way!). The classy establishment, once known for having a roster filled with criminals, wanted to take Eli out of the game. Surprised? Not really. What did surprise me, was that they didn’t have to because Eli never got in the game.

I wouldn’t attribute the loss to a superior Dallas offense or a stacked Dallas defense because let’s face it…those things aren’t in existence. The Giants were just terrible. Mistakes. Mistakes. Mistakes. Nix broke his pattern, Boss dropped easy catches, and I am pretty sure the defense took a nap the first half. And here is a hint, 3rd and long… don’t run Bradshaw or anyone else for that matter (Fire Coughlin, hire me!).

Luckily, I couldn’t watch this tragedy because I was on a long car ride back from a wedding in North Carolina (yes, some people do get married during football season). But apparently some others couldn’t take it because amidst all the ridiculous play calling someone turned out the lights. That is exactly what we want to see in a new $1.6 billion stadium. There was some concern that fights might break out in the darkened section of the Meadowlands, but stadium security reports “the number of fights which broke out were no greater than that which occurs during a regular Giants-Dallas game.” Good to know.

Needless to say, it was a terrible weekend to be a Giant fan (especially one who refers to Dallas as the Cowgirls on a regular basis and recently suggested their fans go into hiding).

At least the Giants showed up in the second half to make the score a more respectable 33-20, which is more than I can say for the Redskins, who lost 59-28 to the Eagles.

The Redskins were 0-10 on 3rd down conversions and McNabb threw 3 interceptions. Down by a billion, the Redskins just wanted it to be over and punted instead of going for it on 4th down. Sounds like it is time to sign McNabb to an extended contract!

That is exactly what the Redskins did. 5-year contract worth 78 million dollars for the washed up, ‘I put the chunky’ in chunky Soup quarterback. But that was the least of the “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME MOMENTS.”

What could beat that?

Well, Eagle’s fans chanting Vick for MVP. Seriously? He has a great game, but let’s wait to see if you make the playoffs before we start passing out ballots, huh?
But the number one, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME MOMENT belongs to DeShaun Jackson who said “we were like a bunch of pitbulls ready to get out of the cage.” He is aware of Vick’s convictions for dog fighting and animal cruelty and that those animals were pitbulls, right?

I understand that Eagle’s fans have no problem selling their souls to an incredibly sick man for a win, but it may be a little too soon for the rest of us Jackson.
Yeah, yeah, I get it. He is fast, so Eagle’s fans think he has paid his debt to society and deserves a chance to play football, but they’d be “barking” other things if he were playing for Dallas. And until someone slams his head on concrete, electrocutes him and drowns him in a pool, like he did to those poor animals, I don’t think he has paid for anything.

But that has nothing to do with football, so moving on, has anyone seen Rex Grossman??
The Vikings lost to the Chicago Bears, 27-13 and Favre with his leg, shoulder, ankle, heel and ego injuries) is actually losing his mind. Apparently he is freaking out other players and has even made Brian Urlacher pity him…and he did it without sending him a picture of his “wee-wee.”



After the game, Favre pulled Urlacher aside to chat. When asked about it Urlacher said, "It wasn't sweet nothings; I don't know, it was weird. He was upset; it was probably his last game at Soldier Field for sure. He wasn't himself. He seemed down in the dumps. I felt bad for him. Usually, even after you lose, you've still got the rest of the season. But he seemed like he was out of it. Like I said, I feel bad for the guy."

It’s okay Brian, just be glad he didn’t text you!

Week 9: DALLAS SUCKS

The Cowgirls are terrible. I mean, really, just terrible. There is almost nothing funny about it. Dallas fans continue to whine about losing Romo and claiming, “It is because we lost Romo. It isn’t easy to win without your quarterback. “

NEWSFLASH DALLAS FANS: You just got your butts kicked, 45-7 by the Green Bay Packers. Sure, the Packers are on a roll this season, but 45-7? Seriously? And you think it is all because you lost Romo? Come on! How many positions did he play? Where’s the defense? What is their excuse? Romo has nothing to do with the Defense. Are they sad because Romo isn’t playing, so they aren’t going to play either?

I hate to tell you this… (Who am I kidding? I love it! )…but it isn’t just Romo, Dallas Sucks! The Cowgirls lost Romo in Week Six against the Giants and they were already 1-4. Losing Romo made things worse, I am sure, but Dallas has sucked since week one. Ask Jerry Jones!

Jerry Jones said he couldn’t believe Dallas was 1-7 PRIOR to their loss to the Packers, which made them 1-7. He counted the loss before his team even took the field. So he knew they were going to lose, but perhaps he thought they’d do better than 45-7 because after the game he said that, “someone would pay.” And before they could get out of Green Bay, Wade Phillips was fired.

I wonder if they even let him ride home?



I guess Jerry Jones has some good in him after all because if he REALLY wanted to make Wade Phillips suffer, he would have made him coach the rest of the season.

Two things, you definitely won’t see every year, happened this week.

This first. Well, I can guarantee you won’t see a 300lb man attempts an NFL field goal very often. With the Lions kicker injured, they moved on to the next best thing- they had defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh, kick an extra point. He missed it, but it was actually kinda cute. It was like watching the Pillsbury Dough Boy try to lift his pudgy little leg passed his soft squishy middle.

Really, the Lions went with him because apparently, he can kick. He actually kicks during practice and won a kicking competition in training camp when he booted a 30-yard field goal. (If he can make a 30 yard field goal, I’ll trade you Lawrence Tynes!)

The Jets won that game in overtime 23-20. Up by 3 with a little over a minute to go, the Lions called a pass play. The incomplete pass, stopped the clock and gave the ball back to the Jets with time for a field goal., to go into OT. Only the Lions! I’m pretty sure they are already playing for a good draft pick.

The other thing you don’t see, every day. The Cleveland Browns beat the New England Patriots, 34-14 and celebrated by drenching their coach in Gatorade. Okay, I guess that is a lot of things you don’t see often. The Browns beating the Patriots, the Browns winning at all and the Browns coach getting drenched in Gatorade (unless it is being thrown at him). So which one am I talking about? Gatorade. The Browns are 3-5. It is not everyday that you will see a team at 3-5 celebrating by pouring Gatorade over their coach. You have lost more games than you won, sometimes I forget that you are a team all together, and you wear those ugly brownish-orange uniforms, but hey, you beat the Patriots! I guess if it weren’t for small victories, they wouldn’t have any. So, CONGRATS CLEVELAND!

But wait, that isn’t the craziest part. There is always more. After the game, Browns coach, Eric Mangini, gave a speech. He said, “I feel like I am that movie Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, you get New England this week and the Jets next week. It’s special.” Huh? Wait! I guess I get it, that movie is about a guy who “screwed” a bunch of girls who are now coming back to haunt him. Not as movie most guys would admit to watching. I am pretty sure the moral of the story was that Matthew McConaughey was a bad person who needed to change his ways and you totally lost me on the “it’s special” part, but then again, I am not the “Man-genius.”

The Vikings (in purple pants!) beat the Arizona Cardinals, 27-24 and Favre ran off the field holding up a number one. Seriously, what is with these 3-5 teams? It was the Arizona Cardinals. Is one win against any team really enough for Gatorade showers and thinking you are number one, these days? Yes Favre, if the two teams in front of you should disappear and be unable to perform their duties of kicking your butt, then you will be number one...in your DIVISION!


Anyway, the Vikings achieved this win without Randy Moss, who is still jobless, and they didn’t let you keep those all purple uniforms, Randy. You could get a job as a Fruit of the Loom grape.


The Giants took pity on the Seahawks this week. They beat them 41-7, but left their quarterback in tact. Perhaps it has something to do with the REAL Steve Smith’s relationship with his old USC coach, Pete Caroll.

Don’t worry Seattle, you still have the nicest shirts in the NFL. I love the green gloves. (How much can you really say about bearing the Seahawks?)

Week Nine: Ilegal Use of a Stretcher

Let’s start with the illegal use of a stretcher. I never want to see anyone get seriously hurt. Ok…occasionally, I may have wished McNabb would trip and break an ankle during a bird dance but, nothing serious or fatal. But come on, no one can seriously tell me they still want to turn on their television and see Brett Favre.

I don’t want the guy to die or get seriously injured. That isn’t necessary, the guy like 200 years old in football years. I was thinking something simple, quick and with only a moderate amount of pain (come on, the guy has retired and unretired so many times he deserves a little twinge of something). Soooo, I may of gotten tired of seeing Favre fake an injury every week just to get out of practice. (Notice how his ankle wasn’t in good enough shape for practice all week, but was miraculously cured for the game???)…and I may have wished a real injury upon him. However, I should have been more specific when I said I wanted to see Favre carted off in a stretcher, but who would have thought…

They pull out the stretcher….I see blood…he’s gonna cry…I know it! Here it comes… He was carted off, in what looked like some serious agony. While he was gone, we sat contemplating, “Is it a broken jaw? He can’t play with a broken jaw. With his jaw wired shut, he won’t be able to change the coach’s call at the line. They won’t know when to hike the ball…I bet he broke his jaw…he won’t even be able to give a press conference! We won’t have to hear him all season!”


A CHIN LACERATION? Seriously? Since when does a chin laceration require a stretcher? A band-aid, of course! Some stitches, probably. But a stretcher? The guy cut his chin! HE CAN WALK! Meanwhile, after the game he was already running his mouth about how he expects to play next week. All of the excitement and we were only Favre free for an hour?

I guess it is better to be safe than sorry when it comes to the elderly, but seriously? A stretcher? If I had a yellow flag, I’d be all over those over reacting, Favre toters for creating a false sense of Favre silence.

Needless to say, the Vikings lost to the Patriots, 18-28 and Randy Moss knows why. Apparently, Moss told his coach what kind of game the Patriots were going to play and Childress opted not to listen. Childress’s answer was “I listened to him, but that was just his opinion about what was going to happen.”

Hmm…. I don’t even know what to think of that. Did Childress think that he knew more about the Pats than Moss? Whatever his alternate plan was…it didn’t work. Then again, I am sure the Patriots plan has changed since trading Moss. What did Moss tell the Vikings?

“I know what they are going to do coach! New England likes to throw deep in the corner…to me!”

Moss’s displeasure didn’t stop at Childress, in his post game interview he shared his feelings with the media. After being fined $25K for refusing to talk to the press after a game, he said he wouldn’t be talking to the media for the rest of the season. Which won’t really be a problem now, since he was placed on the waiver list immediately after his commentary and now has no game to play in. However, the most comical part of his announcement was this.

“From now on if I’m gonna to give an interview its gonna be done by me. I’m gonna acks me da questions and Imma give ya’ll the answers.”
I can see it now.



I’m sure the press will be fighting to get a hold of those interviews.
I don’t think Randy will be homeless for long though. There has been talk of the Dolphins, Rams and even the Jets.

The Jets. Haha. The Jets who got shut out in a 9-0 loss to the Packers this week. I guess they are still waiting on the “Sanchise” to kick in. I wouldn’t hold me breath guys! Actually, on second thought…go ahead. Hold you breath! It isn’t like they have their own stadium to worry about if their team should disappear.

Giants and Eagles were on a BYE this week, but it was still a great week for Giants (and Eagles) football.

The Dallas Cowgirls suffered a 35-17 loss to the Jags. Kitna threw four interceptions. Bad news for Dallas, Romo will be out for at least 6 more losses…I mean weeks. Although, the Cowgirls franchise doesn’t feel that will be too late claiming, “He will be back in time for the Super Bowl.” When?? What Super Bowl is that? 2025?????

I guess, however delusional that statement may have been, at least they stand behind their team...haha..okay, no. That statement was just crazy!!! But Jerry Jones may be a little less crazy (you won’t hear that often). He struggled through a stuttered speech about his disappointment in the team's 1-6 record. He said he never would have predicted this record at the beginning of the season. Of course, you didn’t Jerry. You used to be one of those crazies who thought they were going to the Super Bowl.

Speaking of teams not going to the Super Bowl. It looks like McNabb, despite his new team, will continue to say “there is always next season.” The Redskins lost on Sunday, 25-37. Give them a break, though…they were playing the DETROIT LIONS!

The Redskins benched McNabb for the final two possessions. Mike Shanahan said McNabb didn’t have the "cardiovascular endurance" for a 2-minute offense. Yup, that’s right, McNabb…he just called you FAT! (Too much Chunky Soup?)

Considering McNabb is old, balding and looking a little flabby, this may not have been such an outrageous decision, IF he weren’t replaced with REX GROSSMAN! How out of shape do you have to be to get benched for Sexy Rexy? I would think he’d have to be, at least, 100lbs overweight, winded, limping and maybe even suffering from a life threatening chin laceration to make Grossman seem like a good option. When was the last time Rex threw a ball? Did anyone know he was still in the league?

Than again, remember the last time McNabb played under pressure??


Well, the decision paid off…FOR THE LIONS! Rex stepped in an did what we all (except Shanahan) knew he would do. He dropped the ball…literally. Good call.

NFL UPDATE: Quaterly-ish Report

I know it has been a while and I've got a million excuses (mostly laziness), but the Giants defense has inspired me. So here is an NFL update.

The Giants were off to a slow and sad start. Eli flew all the way to Indianapolis to get embarrassed by his big brother, 38-14. Eli also holds the record for most interceptions that are not the quarterback’s fault. Trust me, Eli made some poor decisions, but he has to hold the record for tipped passes falling into the wrong hands. Either way, it looks like the Giants have stepped it up and their feared defense is leading the way. They spanked, early Super Bowl favorites, Houston Texans, 34-10. Then went on to have 11 sacks against the Bears and despite NFL cracking down on dangerous hits, have taken out FIVE quarterbacks in SIX games without a single dirty hit.

Jay Cutler, Matt Moore, Todd Collins, Shaun Hill and most recently, Tony Romo, in a 41-35 victory over the Cowgirls. Making six straight wins over the Cowboys for the G-men.

The Giants D is going through QBs like Brett Favre goes through retirement speeches. Respect our defense or we will eat your QB, too!


So, how about them Cowgirls? I think I heard something about the Cowboys being NFC favorites earlier this season. Ha. With their current record at 1-5, anyone who picked the Cowboys should immediately go into hiding. But don’t worry, Wade Phillips says “the Cowboys are better than they appeared in the loss to the Giants” (and we all know he is a genius). Really Wade? What are you saving them for then? Let’s see them! Oh wait. That is really convenient to say now, right? Because you won’t be able to show us, without Tony Romo. The Giants were happy to line that excuse up for you! (Insert Cowboy’s fan whining about how they can’t win without Romo, even though they haven’t been winning WITH Romo, either)—what’s that Cowgirls fans? Huh? I can’t hear you back there in LAST PLACE! There is too much cheering going on up here in first!

The Eagles and Redskins are tied for second in the NFC East, and I don’t know how I feel about that. Watching McNabb play the Eagles was the ultimate conundrum for me. It was like choosing between heat rash and poison ivy. Either way, the end result is uncomfortable and unhappy. Life was so much easier when McNabb was an Eagle; all my distaste was neatly packed in one little team. Now, I don’t even know who the Eagles QB is...sometimes it’s Vick, sometimes it’s Kolb, then Vick, then Kolb. As soon as I get used to hating one quarterback, they put in another. MAKE A DECISION!

Speaking of decisions…the Bears are making decisions…poor ones! Just when I could use a McNabb loss, the Bears hand a win to the Redskins, wrapped all up in Jay Cutler with a Lovie Smith bow (Seriously, who names their kid, Lovie?). Sunday, Jay Cutler completed 4 beautiful passes to DeAngelo Hall…no, he wasn’t traded, THEY ARE NOT ON THE SAME TEAM! However, the Bears would have still won the game if good ol’ Lovie were paying attention, when Cutler fumbled AFTER he reached out and broke the plane of the end zone. The touchdown was ruled a fumble and the Redskins recovered. This is where you want to throw that little red flag…but nothing from the Bears so the Redskins went on to beat the Bears 17-14.

It appears the Cutler will continue to make the same poor decisions. In his post-game interview, Cutler said, "I've played against Hall before, there's no reason to shy away from him. That's hard for me to say throwing four picks to the guy but I still think if we had to play him tomorrow I'd go after him every time.'' YOU THREW 4 PICKS TO THE SAME GUY and given the chance, you’d do it again? Huh? Perhaps the Giants hit you in the head harder than you thought, Jay. Sit out a few more weeks.

And the poor decisions, didn’t stop there…what is with that multi-directional plaid shirt?


That picture doesn’t do it justice. I had to crop a video because no one wanted to photograph that mess. Perhaps he is getting tips from Tom Brady.


There is just no excuse for that suit and his hair looks like a cross between Jason Giambi’s greasy mullet and Justin Beibers helmet cut. I guess he’s going for a trailer park version of a teen pop star.

Despite the poor style choices, Brady and the Pats stand at 5-1. The question is, for how long. After trading away Randy Moss the Patriots squeaked by the Chargers this week, 20-23 and I am not sure they would have won, if the Chargers knew the rules of football. Any of them! San Diego receiver, Richard Goodman, put the ball on the ground to celebrate a big catch…which would have been okay, if he had been touched by any one of the Patriots. Knowing he needed to be touched in order to be down, the ball was scooped up by the Pats, as a fumble. Perhaps Goodman should sit down with Jacob Hester, who let an incomplete pass roll on the ground…again might have been okay, if that pass weren’t a lateral making the ball rolling around, free to be picked up by the Patriots. With all those mistakes, New England still only won by a missed 50-yard field goal. It looks like they miss Randy Moss…but they won’t have to for long. Next week, they pay him a visit at the Vikings.

I guess I can’t say Vikings without talking about Favre, since I’ve gotten emails asking how I feel about Favre’s latest scandal. As you all know, former Jets employee Jen Sterger says Brett Favre sent her inappropriate text messages, including a picture of little Favre. Favre admits to calling her, but refuses to comment on the picture messages. Hmmm…guilty much? Lucky for Favre, Sterger refuses to cooperate with the NFL investigation. So my question is, how will they identify these pictures messages as being Favre?

Can you hear Roger Goodell saying, “DROP’EM, FAVRE!...Yup, that’s him.”


Whether it is his ego, his reputation or his shoulder, something about Favre is injured every week. We are used to seeing Favre grab his arm and wince in pain, after an interception. He has done it after each one, as if to say “it wasn’t my fault- my arm hurts.” But at his age, we’ve gotta wonder if he’s still making excuses or if those old bones just can’t handle it anymore. Probably both. The Vikings (2-4) latest loss was a sweet victory for Green Bay. After walking on to Lambeau Field to chants of “Go Back Home!” Favre threw 3 interceptions and walked off the field with a 24-28 loss to the Packers (4-3) and apparently some fractures in his foot. He won’t practice this week (of course he wont!) but he may play on Sunday (of course he will). This convenient recovery makes me think Favre is still a big old faker (emphasis on the word old). But you can’t cover up this loss Favre because when asked about the loss, Childress had no problem saying, “It was Favre’s fault.” See what happens when you step on coach’s toes????

In other news, Super Bowl Champion, Drew Brees, threw four interceptions to the Browns. Yes, the CLEVELAND BROWNS! Two of those were for touchdowns by David Bowens, who in 12 years in the league has scored…2 touchdowns. Yup, those 2. He did have a blocked punt once, though. I can’t really explain what happened in the 30-17 win over the Saints (4-3) because the Browns (2-4) only have one other win against buddies Ocho-Cinco and Ocho-Uno in Cinicinatti who are also 2-4.

But the Browns victory over the Saints wasn’t the most shocking victory on Sunday. The Raiders beat the Broncos 59-14. Beating the Bronco’s (5-2) isn’t surprising, but the RAIDERS scored 59 points. Did they even score 59 points all last season? What about the last 2 seasons?

Despite getting destroyed by the Raiders, we didn’t see any Tim Tebow this week. Maybe next week, against the 49ers, who are a whopping 1-6. Although, Sunday after losing to the Panther (1-5), Singletary announced that he plans to take the 49ers to the playoffs this season. Usually, when a team is 1-6 and coming off a loss to a 1-5, I’d say he was crazy, but considering they play in the NFC West, it is quite possible!