Mr. Irrelevant, et al.

Again, better late...

I didn’t get to watch the draft due to a minor wedding crisis, but to be honest, my impatience trumps my love for football when it comes to sitting for 2 days and 256 draft picks…after a few rounds, it feels like sitting through baseball season.

So after the first round, maybe the second, I am on to other weekend activities and reading the occasional scrolling ticker at the bottom of the screen.

We always know who the first pick is going to be, long before the draft starts (unless there is an Eli Manning switch-a-roo!) and usually, I make it back to the TV on day 2 of the NFL draft for pick number 256, otherwise known as “Mr. Irrelevant.” So I am only covering the first and last picks of the 2009 NFL Draft.

Who is Mr. Irrelevant?

‘Mr. Irrelevant’ is the tongue in cheek name given to the very last pick of the draft by Paul Salata (He was a wide receiver for the Baltimore Colts, like a million years ago) in 1976. He dubbed these final draftees ‘Mr. Irrelevant’ because they are often said to be the most irrelevant players on the field. After all, 256 players were picked before them.

By the time you get to the 256th pick, there can’t be much strategy left. No one is going to make a big trade and all of the star athletes waiting to be drafted in the Radio City Music Hall, are long gone…yes, even Brady Quinn!

Most NFL fans say that once it gets down to the final few picks in the draft, it's better for a player not to get selected, so they can sign a free-agent contract with a team they choose. (Yeah, because it is that easy.) However, very few college football players are sitting by their phones on Day 2 of the draft saying “I hope my phone doesn’t ring and I don’t get drafted.”

In fact, even while the clock counted down the 3-minuets it took to select this years ‘Mr. Irrelevant,’ hundreds of guys were sitting around their TVs waiting to hear their name get called by Paul Salata, in hopes of receiving the Kansas City colored jersey with 256 on the back…and an NFL contract.

This years, Mr. Irrelevant is South Carolina Gamecock, kicker, Ryan Succop. Everyone in Radio City seemed a little disappointed (and by a little, I mean the place filled with boo’s and hisses), when KC picked the kicker, but those people might be interested to know, in the NFL 56 games were decided by a field goal or less.

And if you still don’t think the Kicker is important, ask Ray Finkle…

Or the REAL RAY FINKLE, Scott ‘Wide Right’ Norwood. (I may have added that ‘wide right’ part!)

Anyway, I can’t name any other Mr. Irrelevant without Google, but since Paul Salata, named the last pick in the draft, the worst seat in the house has become the second to last pick in the draft. Mr. Irrelevant is anything but ‘irrelevant.’ (at least for one week!)

This year Ryan Succop, not only gets the famous #256 jersey, but an entire week devoted to him. Mr. Irrelevant week is an entire week of events in Newport, California dedicated to the player picked last in the NFL Draft. According to irrelevantweek.com, this year he gets…

Arrival Party

Press Conference

Shower of Gifts

All-Star Lowsman Banquet (where he will be presented with the Lowsman Award, as opposed to the Heisman)

Tour of Surf City

Irrelevant Rams Cheerleader Contest

Main Street Welcome and Parade

And Closing Ceremonies.

Seems like a pretty good deal, until you see what the FIRST PLAYER DRAFTED GETS:

First pick in the draft was UGA’s Matt Stafford, who received a measly $72 million dollar contract worth $78 if he meets all his incentives (for Detroit, what could incentives possibly be? Double the number of wins they had last year? They can’t possible expects the super bowl…or even playoffs).

Is Mr. Stafford worth 72 millions? Probably not. He is only one kid and let’s face it…the Lions need miracles.

SIDE NOTE: Although, he isn’t just one kid when teamed up with the Detroit’s 82nd pick in the draft; the “Jesus Shuttlesworth” of football (as he was dubbed by LaVar Arrington), 2005 All-Big Ten Freshman Team, 2007 Outback Bowl champion, 2008 First-Team All-Big Ten Team, wide receiver, punt return specialist and the occasional quarterback, the Nittany Lions’ ‘Mr. Versatility,’ Penn State football player, Derrick ‘the Lion Hearted’ Williams (but I may be slightly biased).

While, Mr. Irrelevant will be famous for a week, Matt Stafford’s 72 million is likely to make him AND HIS GIRLFRIEND famous for a little longer.

I don’ t know, maybe hoisting kegs over your head in what appears to be a trailer park, is a Georgia thing? :P


Noooo, she wasn’t planning to use this picture later…when you got drafted. She just happens to be the only one smiling at the camera while you cuddle with your friend in the grass.

At least she is a cute girl…

Wait! That isn’t her? Is it? (Funny how these pictures surface when you are guaranteed to be $41.7 million richer). Is that Knowshon with you?

I am not surprised. Knowshon wasn’t worried about getting drafted…even during the draft.


Incase you were wondering, Moreno was picked 12th in the draft by the Denver Broncos and signed a six-year, $40.5 million contract. A little over 9.5 million a year. (But did he get a parade???)

If it is any consolation for being picked number 256 and not 1, Ryan Succop is pretty cute. Mr. Stafford on the other hand...well, at least has $41.7 million guaranteed, but he won't be making my fantasy draft any time soon.

NEW G-MEN:
With their first pick, the G-men took, North Carolina (who knew they had a football team, too) wide receiver, Hakeem Nicks to replace Plax, but Eli was hoping for a more seasoned receiver saying “After being here five years and seeing how rookies come in, it is a learning curve. It is a process. So we'll try to get them as much as they can and see what they can do and how they can help us next year."

Perhaps Eli was hoping for a trade including Braylon Edwards or Anquan Boldin, who were available for a second round draft pick. Honestly, I was too Eli…but the G-men decided to continue to stack their D, after picking up almost every available defensive player in the free agent pool, using their second pick to take yet another outside linebacker.

Even Eagles Don't Like the Eagles

Eagle Cornerback, Sheldon Brown says he doesn't want to be an Eagle and that many of his teammates feel the same way...

http://blogs.nfl.com/2009/04/21/brown-sees-more-problems-with-the-eagles/

Can you blame them? It has gotta be tough, losing every year!

Brown wants to know, "what is the incentive?" Hmmm...incentive to play for the Eagles?

I don't know. I guess you don't have to play very hard. It isn't like McNabb knows the rules to the game or anything. Plus, no one really expects much from the Eagles. (Except Eagle fans, but what do they know....they are Eagle fans!)

Hmmmm...I guess I don't know what the incentive to play for the Eagles might be (unless you count the ridiculous amount of money they pay you to be less than mediocre, every year), but I can tell you what it isn't....

A SUPERBOWL RING!


Oh wait! Could be that you get to play on the same field as the G-men, at least twice a year! There ya go!...if you sign up with the Eagles, twice a year, you get to play with the big boys! :)

Between the Seasons

The time between football season and football season is filled with 200 MLB baseball games, about 15 seconds of interesting NBA basketball and March Madness. Aside from kicking butt in the March Madness pool, ever year, there is rarely anything blog-worthy going on in sports. Which means I have been busy dealing with the parts of life that have no 2-minute warning…you know, so I can slack of during football season!
So what have you missed…

Well, most importantly, MY BIRTHDAY! Your very favorite Monday Morning Cheerleader turned 25 for the third time in her life this past March! Happy Birthday to me! (Don’t worry, you can make it up to me…I am still accepting presents!)

Penn State won the NIT, which means, of all the teams that weren’t good enough to make the real tournament, Penn State sucked the least! Whoo-hoo! Go #66! Love my lions! (Nittany not Detroit)

And in the NFL…

The New York Giants said ‘bye-bye’ to Plaxico Burress! First he was skipping practice to take his 22 month old ‘to school.” (Apparently his son is far smarter than he is and is a student at less than 2 years old! Perhaps he should have asked genius, Mini-Plax, to help him come up with a better excuse!) Driving with no insurance, shooting himself in the leg, with a concealed weapon he had no permit for…sounds like a Dallas Cowgirl, to me! We (and by ‘we’ I mean, me and the NY FOOTBALL GIANTS) are happy to be rid of him and are moving on! Good-bye Plax!

Perhaps the biggest news. Big City, Jay Cutler!


The last thing Bears fans had to be excited about was Rex Grossman, and since he has since, peaked and faded into the invisible distance, (kinda like one of passes to no one), Jay Cutler is the big man on campus…or in Chicago.

Jay has been taking full advantage of his new-found stardom in the windy city, enjoying more than deep dish pizza, Mr. Cutler went almost a week as a QB in Chicago before entangling himself in the tabloid gossip (or in this case a rather promiscuous brunette) of Page Six.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/04142009/gossip/pagesix/bear_qb_aims_for_end_zone_164274.htm

(You are in big trouble, Jay Cutler!)

The Bears are excited that Jay Cutler landed in their seat during this game of musical quarterbacks. It could be because they haven’t has a franchise quarterback, that I can remember in my lifetime, and they are hoping that Jay Cutler performs better at lower altitudes. He can’t be worse than Kyle Orton, who the Bears gave up to Denver, along with 2 first round picks and a third round pick, for Jay Cutler and a Broncos 5th rounder.

Could Jay Cutler really be a franchise QB? Could he really be worth 2 first round picks? I don’t know. The real question is….WHO THE HECK IS HE GOING TO THROW TO?

$20 to the first person who can name a Chicago Bears receiver without “googling” it! (You can collect from Jay Cutler when he give me my $120K).

Keep an eye out:
Next weekend the Mannings will be in my hometown. Payton Manning will be coaching my high school football team and Eli will be coaching their rival, as the two schools replay the worlds oldest high school football rivalry's 1993 game, which ended in a tie! http://www.lehighvalleylive.com/sports/index.ssf?/base/sports-0/1235451945327370.xml&coll=3

I love you Eli, but for some reason (or facial expressions) Peyton strikes me as the coach I want for my team!

“He’s Just Not That Into You…”

“Harsh words from the best-selling dating coaching book may set single women quarterback-less coaches free.”

Why won’t he call me? Why won’t he play for me?
Why doesn’t he want to go out with me? Why won’t he be my quarterback?
Why doesn’t he like me? (Well, that one is still applicable!)

(Yes, Jay Cutler has his very own 'Bat Phone!' That line goes directly to Jay Cutler.)

Why won’t Jay Cutler call you or play for you, McDaniels? Why doesn’t he want to stay in Denver with you as the head coach?

Well, maybe it is because you openly offered him up for trade, in hopes of obtaining Matt Cassel. (Jay Cutler doesn’t want the sloppy seconds of a desperate man!)

Maybe it is because he was promised that the coaching staff would remain the same even though the Broncos made the ridiculous choice to fire Shanahan and now he doesn’t even know anyone’s name! (You are a liar and a cheat, McDaniels!)

Maybe Jay Cutler is just tired of the Denver weather! (Jay Cutler has feelings too…cold!)

OR…


Maybe, He’s just not that into you!

Yeah, that's the book/movie that tells women (or in this case, coach) that if a man (QB) isn’t calling, you should stop making excuses because, in it’s title’s harsh words, chances are “He’s Just Not that Into You.”

What that book neglects to do is tell men (QBs), that before they get so cocky and think that women/coaches are waiting for their phone calls, they should probably consider that there are other men/players on the market and they just may not be the best one. Perhaps I should write a reply book called “Maybe You are Just too Into Yourself (Jay Cutler)!”: There are a million, nope, billion men out there and you are probably a heck of a lot luckier than you think! So take a look around before you start thinking someone is waiting for your call.

Yup, I mean you, Jay Cutler. You know I love you, but perhaps you should consider a few things.

Maybe, you really aren’t “all that!”: Since you have been on the team (for the third straight season) the Broncos have not made the playoffs! (Okay, maybe we can blame Plummer for some of that)

Maybe, there are better men out there: Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford had an excellent performance at his pro day and the Detroit Lions need picks! Which means, you might end up in Detroit! (Still cold, still sucks…only worse!)

Maybe, you are not that great of a catch (or pass): Your passer rating was an average of 85.

Maybe, you should appreciate how lucky you really are: I am not sure if that is worse then ending up in a trade for a some problem player and Brady “Nobody Picked Me” Quinn with the Browns. Cleveland…seriously?

Maybe, you are unreliable: Worse, you lost me 210K in my elimination pool when you lost to the KC CHIEFS and the OAKLAND RAIDERS!



Yeah, I still like you, (notice at the beginning of the post, I loved you), but I am a very loyal and understanding girl! What are you really worth, Jay Cutler?

But don't worry, I have no idea how they get your QB back rating, either...no one does! I am pretty sure it means...absolutely nothing!

Seriously though, stop crying because it is NOT cute! You don't wanna end up this season's Brett Favre!

PS. You can’t just leave Denver, what the **** (I’m not moving to Detroit!)

Signs of the Season

...and by 'season' I mean, football season, of course! What other season, is there?

Football fans have found countless means of expressing their team support. Some incessantly yell threats at the television, as if the fear of losing them as a fan, is the only thing that stands in the way of their team and a victory and when their flawless coaching calls of “What the h*ll were you thinking?” and “Run!!!” are magically heard through the glass barrier via ESP(N), their angry shouting becomes a one-man, never before seen on television, touchdown dance something like a drunken ‘butterfly’ with spirit fingers!

Some actually take their screaming to the game. My brother and I had seats at Giant Stadium in front of a man who insisted on yelling instruction to the team 5000 rows below us. And they were things that were so obviously vital to the teams performance like “Step on his face!” and “Spit in his eye!”

A special breed of fan, shows up early and paint their faces or even their bodies. While other, cold-climate fans, dress inappropriately for the game time weather and demonstrate their loyalty by sacrificing themselves to the threat of pneumonia or frostbite. (Oh no! If we don’t win that crazy girl with the skimpy bikini will have her ******s frozen off for nothing!)


But the most poetic and imaginative of fans, take marker to paper (or the inside of the bathroom stall at Giant Stadium)…


…And share their thoughts and witty banter with other fans, teams, announcers, and even the hearing impaired, by expressing whatever enthusiasm football raises within have within them through signage. Through adequate censoring, strategic sign placement and creativity some even get to share their expression with the at home viewers.

Some signs express discontent with the team’s performance…


...Others with their Quarterback.


Some signs state the obvious (perhaps he is talking to the bikini girl!)


Some explain stupid fans...


Others just point out stupid fans! (If they were SMART, they’d be Giants fans!)


Some are sympathetic to players.


Others, not so much!


Some express the arrival of the long awaited day when your team makes it to the Super Bowl


And few are a once in a lifetime opportunity to embarrass your prom date.


But when it comes to the ultimate signs, once again the passion displayed below the Saturday night lights, where this game, might be your last game to ridicule the opposing teams mascot, players or coach, displays the ultimate in sign making genius and punch-line resourcefulness.

Some signs play on words…


Others spell out words.


Some don’t need words.


Sometimes it isn’t about the words, but sign placement.


Some express thoughts of pleasure…


Others thoughts of pain.


A few border on inappropriate (I love how this guy brought a sign, but couldn’t find one piece of Alabama clothing to wear to the game!)


Some show inter-conference support…


While others show inter-conference rivalry (It says “Tebow helps 3rd World Countries, SEC schedules them!”)


Some poke fun at the quarterback…


Others at his mom!


Some signs ask for help…


Some signs sell the help.


Some signs are educational...


..and some signs are just mean.


Some signs express undying faith…


Others indifference…


And some of them attempt to rationalize the inability to play in a BCS Bowl.


But they all tell express the uniqueness of the fans, the passion of the game and the best of the season. Football Season.

'I'll get you, my pretty...' (G-men Free Agency and Trade Rumors)

"We’ve got Cowboys and Falcons and Seahawks…oh my!"


No Wizard in Oz or Eagle in Philly is going to want a piece of this Defense! The only time these guys are going to see any competition, is with each other!

The G-men have stacked their already stacked defense this week with 3 free agents. Chris Canty, Michael Boley and Rocky Bernard join the Giants D, already comprised of, Justin Tuck, Osi Umenyiora, Mathias Kiwanuka, Dave Tollefson, Fred Robbins, Barry Cofield and Jay Alford.

Do we really need that many men on Defense? Probably not. Far be it for me to question the genius, that is the New York Giants decision making team, but then why on Earth would we acquire so many players for the same unopen positions?

Well, perhaps it is because Osi’s coming back from a knee injury, which limited his 5 Hour energy shots (he did the commercials, remember?) to pacing the sidelines and we are unsure of his ability this season. Maybe it is because, in all honesty, I have no clue who Dave Tollefson is and that guys job is in jeopardy. (the new standard for whether you are making it in the NFL, should be whether I recognize your name or not. If don’t know who you are, don’t spend your last paycheck, quite yet!).



Eli, are you suggesting that these talented men are simply a pawn in our scheme to replace Plaxico with a receiver who is “lighter on his feet” (or just that one foot)?

Well, that is what the Giants are denying, and therefore most likely to be true.

Hoz…Houzma…Houzmen…Houshmemama……Houshmandzadeh. That’s right! I may need to brush up on my spelling of this ridiculously long last name, or maybe I will just call him T.J. because rumor has it, Mr. Houshmandzadeh (yeah, I am cutting and pasting that) wants to be a New York freakin’ Giant. Who knew a man who spent so much time with Ocho Cinco (there’s one I won’t misspell) could be so smart. All smart men want to be G-men! The real question is, do the Giants want you, T.J.?

I hear, the Giants really want, Michael Crabtree. He has a, corner end zone, grab like Plaxico, but without all the sirens and flashing lights. Just what my boy, Eli, needs!

The problem is, who doesn’t want Michael Crabtree?

“Out of bounds? Who needs out of bounds? I’ll just make this awesome grab in the corner with 8 seconds and run it in! “

Anyone who watches College Football, especially those tired of seeing that little number 1 next to the name Texas, has seen this first hand:


Now, we all know that the G-men gave a performance this past season, just riveting enough to keep them out of reach of a quality draft pick. So what are the Giants willing to give for the “best wide receiver in college football?”

Rumor in the Northeast is (and we all know, Yankees know best…kidding, as I alienate half of my audience) 3 picks! Yup, you heard me! THREE PICKS! This years first round, this years second round and next years first round.

I have to ask, with guys like Boldin and Houshmandzadeh out there, is he worth three picks? Maybe. But my concern is the Giants will force him the ball, even when he isn’t open, to get these 3 picks worth. When he doesn’t perform under those conditions, they will trade him away, only to see his stellar performance on another team. (Look at Shockey! Ok, you are right, bad example! )

UPDATE: T.J. Houzmenzadah (or whatever) is now a Seattle Seahawk. This stuff happens faster than I can type it. 5 years. $40 million. Not bad.

In other news, you can hang on to your 27 jerseys, Giants fans, but your 34’s are no good in New York. Brandon Jacobs has signed a 4 year, $25 million contract with the Giants, but Derrick Ward will be joining the Bucs for a measly 4 years worth $17 million (and thus the end of Earth, Wind and Fire).

Not so GIANTS news:

The Titans are inking a 2 year contract with my very favorite, Penn State alum, ex-NY Giant, alcoholic, quarterback Kerri Collins, worth 15 million and 8.5 million guaranteed. Not bad for a 36 year old man. That’s what happens when you finish the regular season, 13-3 with a first round bye in the play-offs, FAVRE!


There’s trouble brewing in Denver. I thought getting rid of Shanahan was a dumb move on the Broncos part, but can we all see it now? McDaniels and his peeps, put their quarter back and my favorite, elimination bowl blowing, QB on the trading block; only to lose the trade bid and the trust of his quarterback. Good freakin' luck! Jay Cutler lost to the Chiefs and the Raiders this season, to destroy my elimination bowl picks (Stoopid, Jay Cutler!) and I didn’t piss him off...actually I am pretty sure that he loooves me!

Who were the Broncos offering poor Jay Cutler (yup, I always refer to him by his full name) for? Mr. Matt Cassel, of course. We talked earlier in the season, during my “fantasy draft” about him being a ‘wanted man.’

It appears that the Chiefs wanted him most. Cassel will be playing for a comfortable 14 million for one year in Kansas City. The funny part? The headlines read, ‘Cassel ready to compete for Starting Job with Chiefs.” I am sorry, but who is he competing with? Are the chiefs having another “Quaterback for a Day” raffle? They had 2 wins last season, and one was against the Oakland Raiders (that doesn’t count!). So, I would say, Chief fans, it is safe to go ahead and pre-order your Cassel jerseys!

Still out there….
Ray Lewis and Kurt Warner. My guess, they aren’t going too far. Ravens and Cards, respectively.

Off Season Post: A-Rod is Stoopid

NO EXPLANATION NEEDED.